So Long 2008!

Don't let the New Year's Door hit you in the ass on your way out, you G-d awful year! OK, perhaps in the grand scheme of my life 2008 will simply be a year of major change and it even could and probably will be for the best, but it was still a hell of a year to endure and I am not the least bit sad to see it go. Ironically,
for all the Hell 2008 brought, I am strangely optimistic for 2009. I can't wait til tomorrow so we can get this rockin' year started!

Happy New Year to All Wayward Lemmings! I am honored to have you spend time here.

Just Incase...

I want to wish every Wayward Lemming out there a very Merry and a very Happy to you and yours and to those that don't belong to you just incase I get busy, or lazy...probably lazy, and don't update before Christmas.

Another Friday?

Where oh where are my weeks going to? I planned on blogging this week, but here we are at yet another Friday and I have not posted word one since last Friday. 'Tis the season to not be blogging or what? Perhaps Motorcycle Jacket's post yesterday congratulating me on my upcoming nuptials scared the blog right out of me or something.

For the record, no, the Kanrei has not lost his mind and decided to take a vow of whatever marriage is. I assure you that I am quite happy and nowhere near suicidal at this moment, but if I ever did decide to severely alter the quality of my life, you would be the first to know.

We have the office Holiday party today in about 3 hours, so have a great weekend to you all and to all...um, a great weekend...

Happy Friday

I have a wedding to goto today, so no major update, just a "have a great weekend" to you all.

Oh, and Jennifer Aniston, if you want your privacy you should consider not posing nude on magazine covers in the future. Also, how many interviews are you going to give about how you don't want to give interviews?

Happy Friday

Since I really want you to read the rejected post and let me know where exactly I failed (the only way I can learn), I am not going to post anything for It' Friday except the link to the rejected post. Please let me know and have a happy weekend.

THE REJECTED POST

The Rejected Lost Post

After 72 hours in edit-Hell, I have withdrawn this piece after they rejected one time already. I admit it is not my best work, but I don't think it was all that bad.

To: the Children of Tomorrow
From: a Child of Yesterday
Subject: the Confusing Events of Today

Let me start by saying this up front: I’m sorry. We really did not think this all the way through and we obviously did not learn from the mistakes of our past, so I feel that some member of this generation should apologize and make amend. I am willing to take the hit and say once again that I am sorry. Learning history and keeping names and dates straight is hard enough without our complicating it further. The last fifteen years or so almost appears like we have gone out of our way to make it difficult for you, but I swear it just is how things worked out. I can only offer you this as a sort of study guide to help you steer through the confusing mess we've left in your history books.

1. Barack Hussein Obama and Saddam Hussein are not related. I realize Hussein is not all that common of a name in our history prior to 1991, but it really is coincidence and they are not related in any way, shape, or form despite what opinion pieces you make have unearthed during some archeological expedition.

2. Obama and Osama are not the same person. Osama is the one with the Mel Gibson beard and the bad kidneys who we can't find while Obama is the guy who has not been sworn in as President just yet, but is seen more often than the current President is and listened to more.

3. George H. W. Bush went to war with Saddam Hussein in 1991 to liberate Kuwait while George W. Bush went to war with Saddam Hussein in 2003 to…well, we're not totally sure. Amazing what a difference a letter makes. Also, unlike the previous Obama Hussien/Saddam/ Osama confusion, these Bushes are actually related.

4. Bill Clinton served two terms (1992, 1996) as President and it was Hillary Clinton who was in the Senate and ran for President in 2008. Bill was instead eager to get back to the White House Interns.

5. Hillary, not Bill, was selected as Secretary of State for Obama's, not Osama's cabinet. Osama's cabinet is not that large and most of the space is taken up by his portable nuclear powered dialysis machine and his copy of "How Not to Be Seen" by Monty Python.*

*Bill Clinton, the former President, will probably take over Hillary's Senate seat, so references to Senator Clinton from New York probably will be as confusing to you as which Bush waged war on Iraq when. Neither Clinton however should be confused with Governor DeWitt Clinton of New York who built the Erie Canal or George Clinton of the Parliament Funkadelic who filled the 70's with funk and brought us Bootsy Collins, who then helped us learn about Dee-Lite and showed us that the groove was in the heart all along.

I really had though that the confusion we underwent trying to keep Teddy Roosevelt straight from Franklin Roosevelt and remembering which Kennedy was President, which was Attorney General, and which was a drunk with a problem crossing bridges, would have kept us from further political dynasties, but it didn’t. Instead we used initials to keep them straight, such as FDR and JFK, and they slowly got lost in the alphabet soup that is our government (DEA, FBI, CIA, CDC,etc) so much so that we really don't know which is a former President, which is a government agency, and which is the international airport our flight is leaving from.

I beg you to learn from our mistakes and please try to keep some variety in the names of your leaders so that future generations can keep their history straight and perhaps actually learn from it instead of repeating it over and over again.

Rejected!

They turned down my piece, but sent me an email explaining why and gave me the option to resubmit. The political editor added some jokes to it that actually work quite well and flesh out the joke I was going for much better than I did. I am going to now rewrite it using his ideas, but with my humor, and do exactly that, so you will have to wait a little longer for the mystery post. I am sorry, but you deserve the best I can offer and that was apparently not it.

Immortal Insecurity and Worry

In the immortal words of Charlie Brown: aaugh; in the immortal words of Tom Petty: the waiting is the hardest part. I am questioning it all right now and going slowly mad. Maybe my piece is not funny enough or, even worse, at all. Maybe I lost my mojo again! Maybe they just don’t like me anymore! I honestly cannot say for certain, but I submitted a new piece to Blogcritics yesterday morning and it still has yet to be posted while two stories submitted afterwards have been posted. Of course, both those stories are by the political editor…

Regardless, I was hoping to post my copy of it here today, but I cannot since they have yet to post it and I must wait 24 hours after they do it for me to do it. In the immortal words of Charlie Brown: aaugh; in the immortal words of Tom Petty: the waiting is the hardest part.

Rats! Curses!

My neighbors tried to tell me that I had rats in my backyard; I say “tried” because they cannot speak English. They tried weeks ago to tell me, through their twelve year old son, that a palm tree I have in my backyard that is artistically overgrown has become a haven for rats, a “rat's nest” if you will. Doubtful, I went into my backyard weeks ago with a broom in hand and smacked the living hell out of the overgrown palm tree. I lifted virtually each and every frond to see if any vermin were hiding in the mass, but not a single rat was seen, so I forgot all about it.

Once again today my neighbors, via their twelve year old son, told me that the tree was a rat's nest and I needed to do something about it. I borrowed a limb cutter from my parents and proceeded to destroy my artistically overgrown palm tree to the tune of a massive mountain of dead fronds all about my backyard, yet not a single rat to be seen in all my cutting, shaking, and pulling. Aside from the logical thought that my cats who spend hours on end in that backyard would have brought me a rat by now if any were there, all that cutting, shaking, and pulling certainly would have disturbed even a deaf rat enough into making some sound, but nothing. I officially became annoyed and let my cats out for their daily run through the neighborhood.

After an hour or two I go outside to watch my cats act like cats and low and behold do I see a grey mouse/rat sitting right by my newly destroyed formerly artistically overgrown palm tree on the white cement wall facing east while Oreo, my black and white seven year old cat sat on the very same white cement wall a mere inches from the mouse/rat, facing west. I stood there in disbelief as Oreo looked to his left and to his right; looked up and down; even looked behind him, yet never saw the rat. The blame does not go entirely to Oreo however since the rat looked in all the same directions and never once saw Oreo. It explained to me two things: 1) there were rats in my backyard and 2) my cats are useless as cats.

I am not one to leave a problem alone once it has made itself known, so I had to discover where exactly these rats were coming from. I live near a canal, so that is certainly the original source, but since my neighbors had been complaining for months, the rats obviously had set up a nest somewhere in the immediate area. I began to check every inch of my backyard, but aside from lots of spiderwebs, a phobia unto itself for me, I did not find anything, so I decided to check the other side of the wall, not on my property and you will never guess what I found! That's right; a hole. There is a hole in the white cement wall just large enough for a rat to fit through and deep enough for me to stick a stick and rock in. The ironic part: it is on my neighbor's side. I informed the president of the home owner's association of the problem and even showed him the hole that I filled with rat poison and he told me all will be taken care of.

I am upset about a few things with this story.

1. My neighbors blamed me immediately without doing any research.

2. They were so convinced they were right that they let the problem go without looking into other sources for months.

3. My neighbors kept using their twelve year old son to tell me which kept me from cursing at them.

4. My cats are useless when it comes to rats.

Thanks Friday!

I realize today is Friday, but it is also our Thanksgiving celebration at work, so there will be no "It's Friday" today. I am sorry, but I know the post-Turkey nap will really stand in the way. Happy weekend to you all!

Fog Free Friday!

Finally a Friday free of the fog! Full disclosure time: I am on medication to treat depression. For the last few months or so, I have been mis-medicated and it has basically created a “Dark and Mean Brad” that has possessed my body and tried to ruin my life. About a month or so ago we noticed the control the “Dark and Mean Brad” had over me, and we began switching my medication back to what it was before the grand experiment. Well, it has taken some time to shake out the last few hostile bits of me, but I think I am back now. I feel good, I feel light, and I don't feel angry. I really hope this to be my last major obstacle to returning to blogging. I do so miss you all.

Happy Friday and have a great weekend.

My Promise

Yesterday was "Your Mission," so today is "My Promise."

This is the last Political Friday, I swear, but I have a promise to make and it is important because none of my blogger buddies knew me when we had a Democratic president and therefore probably assume me to be a liberal based on the last eight years. I am not a liberal, although I do lean left on65% of the issue, but what I am is a libertarian and a strict Constitutionalist who believes it is the sacred duty of all citizens to never allow their governments to rule unquestioned. I am promising to you that, even though I voted for Obama, I will hold him to every standard I held Bush too and will never look the other way simply because he is a liberal. I will watch every move and question every choice. My loyalty is to my country and to my state and to my family and that is all, and it is also in the reverse order since my family comes first and my state does come before my country. Does this make me a traitor or simply someone who believes in the 10th Amendment? That is for other people to decide.

My sarcasm, my quick wit, and my incredibly partial analysis will continue in the name of all Wayward Lemmings, regardless of who you voted for or who you voted against.

Have a great weekend...even if you voted McCain =P

Your Mission

Our jobs as Americans is to support our candidate until that time that they are no longer "OUR" candidate and are instead the President of the entire nation. Once that happens, it is every American's duty to watch and question and demand answers to every action that person does. Once they are POTUS, they are no longer totally trustworthy.

American Pride

I have not been this proud of my country in quite sometime and it has nothing to do with the fact that my candidate won the election yesterday, but rather how the losing side accepted their loss. I watched Foxnews for most of last night’s coverage because I was looking for some good schadenfreude. What I got instead, from both Foxnews and McCain, was a humble and approving defeat…the kind of defeat we imagine those qualified to serve as President accepting rather than the bitterness we have come to expect from the losing side. Perhaps Republicans take defeat better than Democrats or perhaps they never really expected to win and were prepared for the loss, but either way, their gracious defeat brought tears to my eyes and I believed for the first time that this partisan divide could possibly be coming to an end.

Quick Political Humor for Election Day

Quick Sarah joke....
Move the "L" and it shows Palin is really Plain.
Drop the "L" all together and see what a Pain she really is.


Sorry, just Biden my time until an Obama victory and that is the Palin truth, so don't McCain about it.

INFORMED VOTERS ONLY PLEASE!

That is all. I am not going to say who to vote for or who to vote against. I am not going to say who I am voting for or against. All I am going to say is that you should spend the next day learning as much as you can about the things you know very little about (for me, it is the economy), and to make an informed vote tomorrow, not one based on hearsay or fear. If you cannot find the time to educate yourself then it really is more patriotic of you to stay home tomorrow rather than to make an uninformed decision.

Friday's Important Voting Rules

Well, well, well: it is Friday and it is Halloween! Have I got a scary thing for you on this day to think about: President Palin!


NO! WAIT! COME BACK! I WAS ONLY JOKING!

Damnit! I lost you. Oh well, have a great weekend, a safe and happy Halloween, and remember to leave out your milk and cookies for the Great Pumpkin.

Remember: to avoid the lines at voting, we have set up a system that will make it easier for all. Obama voters should show up on Tuesday, November 4th and McCain voters should show up on Wednesday, November 5th. We feel this should reduce confusion by pollsters and will decrease line length. Remember to show up ONLY on the date you are allowed to vote for your candidate. All votes for Obama on November 5th, for example, will be marked for McCain. Take care and arrive at the right day.

One last thing, Democrats should vote early and often. We have set up special lines for dead voters and for pets. Cartoon characters should send in absentee ballots only, thanks.

Faux Lemming Endorsement

With the election just a measly seven days away I have decided it is time to end the debate, speculation, and wonderment, and tell you all once and for all exactly whom the Lemmings are supporting this year for President.

We have thought long and hard on this subject and have weighed both side's arguments before coming to any decision and, in a race between John McClane and Osama Bin Lauden, how can we not endorse Mr Die Hard himself, John McClane? The man is a retired police officer who has repeatedly battled and overcome terrorists, both international and domestic, and all in the name of country and family! Osama has, on the other hand, killed numerous people, both internationally and domestically, all in the name of opposing country and family, well, my country and family at any rate. I am almost as shocked that the DNC would ask Osama to run on their ticket as I was amazed that the RNC would turn to retired NYPD detective John McClane. Here is to eight great years of dying harder than the last one! Yippie-Ki-Yay Mother F*ckers in 2008!


IMPORTANT UPDATE: It has just been brought to my attention that the race this year is actually between John McCain, not McClane, and Barack Obama, not Osama. That kind of changes everything. I guess that is what I get for listening to Fox News.

Friday's Pathetic Attempt!

This is a photo of a McCain supporter after she was supposedly attacked by a Obama supporter. Does anyone else notice the many things wrong with this photo?

1. If her left eye were bruised to the point of having that much discoloration around it, wouldn't there also be busted blood vessels in her eye? The actual eyeball is way too white and clear for that much discoloration to be around it.

2. There is a slight start of a bruise on her right eye as well, as if she started applying the make-up to that eye as well, then decided it was too much to believably sell.

3. The "B" carved into her cheek is not very deep at all; in fact, I would say it is not "carved" at all, but rather lightly scratched, as if someone did it themselves as a way to show damage without actually causing any.

4. The "B" is backwards! I realize this should really be number one, but a sense of the dramatic forced me to save it. It is pretty much exactly the way a person would do it if they were, say, looking in a mirror and doing it to themselves.

5. She has that "runaway bride" look in her eyes.

And that is just the photo! Read here for even more large holes in this pathetic attempt for attention that I guess worked since even I have now written about it. This is also the day after McCain has a film of his POW days released and the day Palin is denying she kept the clothes. Full court press time!

Sorry to get political on a Friday again, but this story just begged me to say something. Happy weekend.

UPDATED @ 1:41: IT WAS ALL A HOAX AND WE CALLED IT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE WHO HEARD THE STORY DID! KDKA is now reporting that she has admitted to making it up and will be facing charges.

Unneccessary Statements of Truth

So people are going apeshit over Joe Biden’s guarantee that, should Obama be elected, the nation will be involved in a major international crisis. The right are using this to say things like “the world believes Obama to be weak and even Joe Biden says they will test him” or that they will create a crisis to justify themselves, or, even worse, that they will use it as a chance to sell America out to the world’s governments: I really love election year delusions. The left, well, they are just putting their heads in their hands and shaking in disbelief that once again Joe Biden places his foot firmly in his mouth by saying something everyone already knows, yet no one believes needs to be said aloud.

It has been my firm belief for quite sometime that every new President is tested by some element of the world community within their first year in office and it has been that way for at least my lifetime. Every President since Carter has faced some major crisis that defines their administration. Here are just the few I can think of off the top of my head:

Carter- Iran hostage crisis
Reagan- shot within first ninety days in office
- Beirut Marines barracks attacked in 1984
GHWB- Iraq invading Kuwait
Clinton- 1992 WTC attack
- the attack on the USS Cole
GWB- 2001 WTC
-North Korea nukes
-Iran nukes

The problem is that Biden should know better than to say something that could be so easily used by the other side, even though it is true. The fact is that, should Palin ascend to the Oval Office, she will be tested even worse than Obama would be, but Democrats do not pedal in fear the same way the Republicans do. The fact is that, just like Hillary would be a better VP choice, Biden needs to learn how to keep his mouth shut or, at the very least, learn to think before he speaks. It is this flaw in his character that has stopped his White House bid every other time he has tried.

Friday and Politics Again?

Welcome to “It’s Monday” AKA “It’s Friday in Opposite World” because, you see, we live in Opposite World. I never knew it either, but there ya go. There is no other explanation to a world where McCain has served in the Senate for 26 years and Obama only since 2004, yet Obama is the establishment and McCain the breath of fresh air. Only in Opposite World could the economy be bad for eight solid years and the Democrats have control of the Congress for two, yet the entire economic mess is their fault. Only in Opposite World would a man associated with Charles Keating and a member of the Keating Five call Obama a terrorist for his association with Bill Ayers. Only in Opposite World would a man associated with Charles Keating and a member of the Keating Five be taken seriously as someone who can reform corruption. Only in Opposite World would a man say his first term Senator opponent is too inexperienced to be President, then defend his one term Governor running mate as being more than ready to be President.

Crappy Weekend everyone...since it is Opposite World and all.

The Website of the Day...no, Week...no, Year!

Palin as President. If it were not so true, it would be so much more funny. Click most things more than once to get more than one response. For example- the door on the left has three different things behind it. Have your speakers hooked up as well. This is wonderful....better than Fey.

"Now THAT is a Maverick!"
"I can see Alaksa"
"Uh-Oh"

Yeah, and Bugger the Other One Too!

Can someone please explain “Columbus Day” to me? We don’t celebrate any other major failures, so why does this guy get his own day? Think about the sheer amount of failures this guy is credited with and you too will be wondering why the Hell he gets a day.

Columbus:

1. Set off to find a new trade route from Europe to India: he didn’t. He never made it even close to India. He instead landed in the Caribbean.

2. Thought he landed in India even though he was not even close and this is why, to this day, Indians are called Indians and the Caribbean is also referred to as the “West Indies.”

3. Never set foot in North America, yet still to this day we credit him with “discovering” the place. Leif Ericson, a Viking, actually did land in America long before Chris ever thought of boats, but he gets nothing. Why? Chris had a better press agent. Perhaps it is the alliteration: Chris Columbus just rolls off the tongue while Leif Ericson is impossible to even spell right without looking up.

4. Still to this day has never found that trade route to India

Did Columbus start our country’s desire to reward the undeserving based on intent rather than accomplishment? Is he to blame for why we accept Bush as President and why we are even considering either candidate we are currently choosing between?

I guess Columbus really is a real American hero and deserving of his own holiday. He did not discover the physical land of America, but perhaps he did discover the “close but no cigar” attitude that makes us and drives us to mediocrity.

Praised Be Jawsus Christ

Jawsus-Christ, Super Friday

You really have to admire a holiday like Yom Kippur when you stop to think about it. It is brilliant in its simplicity, yet devious enough to justify its own existence; a self perpetuation holiday if you will. Only the people who came up with guilt and the Jewish mother could come up with such a ponzi-scheme of a holiday.

For those who don't know, Yom Kippur is the day of atonement for one's sins. It is always celebrated after Rosh Hashana (New Year) so that you start each year sin free and this is done by starving oneself or fasting if you prefer for twenty-four hours, to be followed by a braking of the fast with one's entire family. Do you see the problem here yet? I don't know about you, but after five hour of hunger I tend to be none-too-chipper to be around let alone 24 hours and neither are most members of my family. We suffer from low-blood sugar and, for the most part, require homicide or food to alleviate this. Since Yom Kippur denies us of food until the sun sets, you can probably picture the scene for those first two hours.

Oh, we will all deny it and say “but this year wasn't so bad,” but, at least for me, I can say I got annoyed at my uncle and could tell he got very annoyed at me. Sure, once we ate it was a love fest, but there was tension before that first bite hit our stomachs and that is the ponzi-scheme aspect of Yom Kippur: you will fight with a family member at some time before you eat, thus committing your first sin of the year and requiring you do it all again next year. Like I said, it is brilliant in its simplicity, yet devious enough to justify its own existence.

A vital aspect of Yom Kippur is also to remember those who passed away and to honor them. Luckily for me, I have been blessed so far in my life to not have had to observe this part of the day.

Happy Friday to you one and all and remember that things Palin...I mean plain are bad for America.

PS- did anyone else see the story of Jawsus Christ being born? No, really. A shark has just had a virgin birth! The sharks' savior has cometh! Join Sharkianity today!

The Kanrei Plan 08 -OR- The Confuse a Republican Act

Today was a shocking day for me and it is only 10:19 in the morning which is leaving quite a lot of time for quite a lot of shocks still to come too. You see, I thought today on my way to work and actually came up with an idea. Yes, this idea was sparked once again by my watching of a bad movie, but the stimulus does not matter when the results are as great as they are this time. With the simple help of Starship Troopers I have solved both the military problem and the immigration problem in one fail swoop. I am not sure “fail” is the right word, but considering the likely hood of this idea actually being accepted let alone working, perhaps “fail” is preemptively right.

One central theme in Starship Troopers was that there was a difference between civilians and citizens: civilians are normal people, but without many rights that a citizen has earned through military service (right to vote and such). We are always saying “illegal immigrants are doing the jobs that Americans simply won’t do” and let’s be honest here, the war is not a popular thing at the moment. I have not done any research (because facts often ruin great theories), but I would assume that the current quagmire in Iraq is lowering troop moral and even lessening the pool of those willing to volunteer. Why not, instead of deporting illegals, offer them the chance to enlist and fight for their adopted country?

Most people who hate illegal immigrants (the right) place veterans on pedestals, so just the irony alone of their situation would make this worth a try at least. We could call it “The Confuse a Republican Act.” They could even have these newly sworn in citizens patrol the boarder when they return because, let’s face it, they already know the holes in our system and they speak the language. It is win/win!

Drug dealers for the DEA! Murderers working Homicide! And Terrorists for Homeland Security!

OK, maybe it wasn’t such a great idea after all…

I Need Your Help

The National Federation of the Blind is planning a protest of a new movie called "Blindness" which I believe is about a plague that makes everyone in the world blind except for one person. I am not totally sure on the plot other than the whole world blind except for Julianne Moore and the fact that the National Federation of the Blind is planning a protest based on the movie's portrayal of blind people. My standard reaction a group planning to protest a movie is usually "then don't see it," but how can I say that in reference to the National Federation of the Blind without being an asshole?

I would say this protest is slightly retarded, but that would only cause yet another protest to start on the heels of this one.

Good Bye Blue Eyes

Rest in Peace Paul Newman.

Friday

Welcome to Friday and I am swamped, but in a good way. The debate will go on as scheduled so my evening's plans are a go and my inner junkie is thrilled. I only hope, no pray that they took my suggestion to add either boxing gloves or a mud pit to the debates...they do have to compete with cable after all.

Have a great weekend and please go back and visit any of this week's updates you may have missed and I know you have missed at least one. Contrary to most weeks, I actually blogged this week; four times including this one.

McLame and Plain Strike Again

Just a quick blurb on the current campaign…not because I don’t have deep thoughts on what is occurring, but rather because a quick blurb is all this really deserves. You see, what is happening right now is 100% Political Theater and matters not.

If one suspends their campaign when a major crisis hits then it is a noble act of placing the country above one’s personal desires. McCain has just suspended his campaign for President, but the problem is that the crisis began last week when, according to McCain:

“Our economy, I think, is still -- the fundamentals of our economy are strong, but these are very, very difficult times.''

Of course, that was also during the time just after the Republican convention and he was ahead in the polls. Now, just two days before his first debate and the day polls show him running 9 points behind Obama, is the economic crisis so bad that he is suspending his campaign to help in this time of crisis.

Is this really a man we can trust to run things if he wins, or will he just pass the buck to his trainee, Plain?

PS- I saw this being sold…I think it answers that question. Remember, you are allowed to serve two terms OR ten years as President. McCain, if he wins, will serve two years and resign due to "health concerns" and give the White House to Palin. This I guarantee. She is an even more empty vessel than Dumbya was and she will give the Neo-Cons another shot at Iran.



PPS- How many John McCain supporters actually think they are voting for John McClane from the Die Hard movies?

The (Lack of) Drugs in Sports Problem

So if you use a performance enhancing drug they take your medal away, but do they give you an extra medal if you use a performance deteriorating one? I know that steroids can make an athlete better, faster, stronger, but what if someone took let’s say ten hits of acid before doing their floor routine? There is no person on the face of this planet that would argue a person tripping their brains out on ten hits would do better than a person not tripping. In fact, I would say the person on ten hits has very little chance of even finishing their routine let alone winning any medals for it so, if they actually manage to out score everyone else AND they are tripping their minds away, they should get like a platinum medal. We are so quick to punish people and so slow to reward people.

I would argue that any person able to perform an Olympic feat on any sort of hallucinogen, or say a marathon runner coming in first on Quaaludes, or a golfer winning Augusta on speed should be viewed as an exceptional human being of not only incredible physical skill, but obviously are master of their minds as well and we should call them “G-ds.” I call for an end of drug testing in sports unless we are talking quantity and quality. We know anyone can catch a ball; that isn’t impressive, but do it so fucked up on coke that you can’t tell hash marks from blow lines and now you are talking skill! Give me a receiver that is trying to catch the sun during a pop fly and accidentally catching the ball over a sober out fielder any day of the week. Trust me: driving is much more challenging drunk than sober and those that make it home after 20 beers are teh drivers of true skill. These are the people I want to see in NASCAR, but only after those 20 beers.

Who’s with me?

Ebert on Palin: A Lemming Must Read

Roger Ebert is a film critic who happened to have written the best analysis of Sarah Plain...Palin I have ever read and I am reprinting it here incase you happened to not be a fan who reads his stuff as often as I happen to.

BY ROGER EBERT Sun-Times Movie Critic
I think I might be able to explain some of Sarah Palin's appeal. She's the "American Idol" candidate. Consider. What defines an "American Idol" finalist? They're good-looking, work well on television, have a sunny personality, are fierce competitors, and so talented, why, they're darned near the real thing. There's a reason "American Idol" gets such high ratings. People identify with the contestants. They think, Hey, that could be me up there on that show!

My problem is, I don't want to be up there. I don't want a vice president who is darned near good enough. I want a vice president who is better, wiser, well-traveled, has met world leaders, who three months ago had an opinion on Iraq. Someone who doesn't repeat bald- faced lies about earmarks and the Bridge to Nowhere. Someone who doesn't appoint Alaskan politicians to "study" global warming, because, hello! It has been studied. The returns are convincing enough that John McCain and Barack Obama are darned near in agreement.

I would also want someone who didn't make a teeny little sneer when referring to "people who go to the Ivy League." When I was a teen I dreamed of going to Harvard, but my dad, an electrician, told me, "Boy, we don't have the money. Thank your lucky stars you were born in Urbana and can go to the University of Illinois right here in town." So I did, very happily. Although Palin gets laughs when she mentions the "elite" Ivy League, she sure did attend the heck out of college.

Five different schools in six years. What was that about?

And how can a politician her age have never have gone to Europe? My dad had died, my mom was working as a book-keeper and I had a job at the local newspaper when, at 19, I scraped together $240 for a charter flight to Europe. I had Arthur Frommer's $5 a Day under my arm, started in London, even rented a Vespa and drove in the traffic of Rome. A few years later, I was able to send my mom, along with the $15 a Day book.

You don't need to be a pointy-headed elitist to travel abroad. You need curiosity and a hunger to see the world. What kind of a person (who has the money) arrives at the age of 44 and has only been out of the country once, on an official tour to Iraq? Sarah Palin's travel record is that of a provincial, not someone who is equipped to deal with global issues.

But some people like that. She's never traveled to Europe, Asia, Africa, South America or Down Under? That makes her like them. She didn't go to Harvard? Good for her! There a lot of hockey moms who haven't seen London, but most of them would probably love to, if they had the dough. And they'd be proud if one of their kids won a scholarship to Harvard.

I trust the American people will see through Palin, and save the Republic in November. The most damning indictment against her is that she considered herself a good choice to be a heartbeat away. That shows bad judgment.

Vote in November!

Blogger is Wrong and This is Friday's Post

Welcome to yet another “It’s Friday” on this, a very scary week. I am so happy to know nothing about economics right now because ignorance is indeed bliss. I realize it is horrible for the most part and that many people are panicking (not window-jumping panic, but close), but I just cannot understand the current crisis and, therefore, cannot be panicked by it. It also helps to be broke. It also helps to be busy at work and not having very much time to read about it. It also helps to be apathetic, selfish, and narrow-minded, but I am not those things. I wish I were and many claim me to be, but they are wrong. Who are you going to believe?

Time to return to my work and maybe I can get to the weekend in one piece. Have a great weekend everyone. Maybe I will have time to blog next week….ya think?

Tasteless Humor for Tasteless Politics

To the tune of Winne-The-Pooh

John McCain
John McCain
Presidential hopeful whose brain is lame
He’s John McCain
John McCain
Senile silly old man

I find it ironic that a former beauty pageant contestant’s last name, Palin, includes all the letters of the word Plain. And speaking of former beauty pageant contestant, they are claiming Plain has an 80% approval rating in Alaska. Well, considering she is a former beauty contestant and the population of Alaska is overwhelmingly male, is it any wonder they would approve of her? She is probably the only woman most of them had seen in years and all her speeches were heavily viewed by constituents with one hand very busy. “Yea mama, tell me about that economy.” Oh no, did I just make a masturbation joke about a Vice Presidential candidate? I guess to be fair I have to make one about Biden now…let’s see….do you think he will have one hand under the podium during his debate with her? Could it be called a de(master)bate?

OK, I am done. This is the bad humor running through my mind this week and why I have not posted since last Friday. I bet you are really wishing I had kept this to myself as well.

A Busy Week, A Busy Friday

I am a busy beaver lately. Wednesday and Thursday were meeting intensive and today is going to be filled with all the fun stuff I normally do on Wednesday and Thursday, but did not have the time due to said meetings. This means that if I hope to fulfill my “It’s Friday” obligation, I need to do it now. The down side of this equation is that I have not yet really done anything or read anything yet today to spark any thought, so instead you will get the joke I woke up with in my head. Yes, while I do suffer from earworms, I also tend to wake up with a joke in my head most mornings. It really makes me wish I remembered my dreams because I am dying to know the reason for this weirdness.

Three people die and find themselves outside the Pearly Gates of Heaven waiting for the OK to go in. Unfortunately, they learn once they reach the gate that Heaven recently changed some of the rules to admittance and that they were to be the first three to fall under these new rules. The good news, they were told, was that being the first three, they would also get it the easiest.

“So, what is the new policy,” asked the first of the three men.

“Too many people were getting in that did not really know anything about this place,” said the gate keeper, “and it was causing too many problems so we are instituting a rule where you must have biblical knowledge to get in.”

A sweat broke out on all three men. They were all good men, but none of them really subscribed to any particular faith and now worried about their eternal souls.

“Ok,” said the gate keeper to the closest man, “first question is: who was the first man?”

“Um….Adam,” said the man with some hesitation expecting a trick question.

“Great! Come on in and welcome to Heaven!” The gate keeper then turned to the next man and said “What was the name of the first woman?”

“EVE,” screamed the second man, shocked he was worried about this in the first place.

“Great! Come on in and welcome to Heaven!” The gate keeper then turned to the next man and said “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”

This was not the question the third man was expecting and now he was really worried. He repeated the question to himself a couple of times stalling in hopes some force would plant the answer in his head. Muttering to himself he said “Damn is that a hard one.”

“Great! Come on in and welcome to Heaven!”

Happy Friday and have a great weekend.

9-11

Time to blog finds me on a day where my sense of humor is best kept away so I am simply going to take a moment to remember and mourn. The world changed on this day seven years ago. The world changed before that date and it will change many more times, but it had not been changed so much so quickly and for the worse in a very long time and let us pray it will be a very long time before the next time.

Friday Hiding from Ike Turner

Another Friday sneaks up on me yet again and once again I miss a week of blogging. How does this keep happening? I remember that, and not that long ago, I used to come to work, do about 45 minutes of crap, and then coast until lunch. After lunch I would usually have errands to run and then my day would soon be over with plenty of time left to blog and surf on the clock. Not great from my boss’s point of view I am sure, but everything was done and done to perfection so I don’t think he minded that much. I tend to view my pay as more per job rather than per hour because I tend to work many hours off the clock: I am someone who cannot let a problem go until solved so I am usually working well into the night and, to be frank, quite often my job disrupts my sleep due to worry. Well, not anymore. No, I can’t even keep track of paragraphs anymore and the election? What election? I have techs and patients and that is all: no country, no wars, no economy, no nothing but work, work, work…and video games. I do need some form of stress release naturally and, since I still am not smoking, games have won the day. For the record, I am not complaining about the work situation at all because I was growing bored of surfing all day long, but there should be a compromise somewhere between getting things done, worrying about things to do, expanding my mind, and relaxing. I think I just need three more hours in the day and that should be perfect.

Happy weekend and please pray for south Florida that Ike does not treat us like he used to treat Tina.

Friday and Politics? I Know and I'm Sorry

Friday…sorry I missed last Friday. I am not really sure why I did to be honest. I know I worked last Friday and pretty sure I was online, but I can’t remember why it is that I did not post anything last Friday. My mind never shuts up so I know there was something on it that day; may not have been interesting to anyone anywhere, but there was something on it for certain. I guess I just plain screwed up and forgot to post on a Friday and that is rather pathetic. Well, onto this Friday…

“If they want a woman, I’ll give them a woman.”

Does anyone else think this was the sum total of thought put into McCain’s VP pick? I really think he would have tried for Hillary if he thought there was a chance.

I am viewing this election year so far like a game of the old Mad Magazine Game which was Monopoly, except the objective was to lose everything first. I look at the campaigns and cannot help but wonder if anyone really wants the White House in 2009, or has everyone come to the same conclusion as me that everything Bush as done is going to come home to roost in 2009-20012 and whoever is in the Oval Office will get the blame. Barrack may prove to be the best choice ever, but I really think his main support was due to the overwhelming fact that no one believed he could win. I really think the DNC wanted Hillary just so she could lose already and shut up. McCain is getting his chance before death and that is why he is running and Bush is supporting him as a last “Fuck You” for McCain daring to run against Dubya in 2000.

While not wanting to take a Friday to talk politics, it is what is on my mind today and therefore is what is also on my blog today. The KHWL staff is proud to endorse the Obama/Biden ticket for President of the United States. I feel that, while Obama is weak in key areas, he is smart enough to listen to a person like Biden who is strong in those very same areas. Obama, I believe, will view the VP as a co-president when he knows he doesn’t know enough to move forward. Obama does not strike me as a person who lets pride stand in his way of admitting weakness.

I was holding off on McCain to see who he was going to pick to run with. At McCain’s age, there is a very strong chance that health will claim him before his term is up and the VP becomes a very important person in that case. While Obama picked someone who balances out his weakness, McCain picked someone to patronize the Hillary supporters who have yet to decide where they will land. A one term governor from Alaska with no national presence does not offer any strength to his already weak ticket. The choice became a “no-brainer” as of this morning.

Sorry to do politics on a Friday. I realize it breaks one of the very first rules I put in place when I started here, but it has been a long time without any here and today was kind of major.

Happy weekend.

It's Fey Day

Another storm that almost was in my life’s story and once again, while happy no major hurricane came and destroyed my happy abode, I am saddened by the lack of a good storm. Yes I had the day off work yesterday and yes I did feel the thump-thump-thump of my heart a few times while watching the news and hearing predictions, but the storm-watcher side of me was left in the dark and, sadly, not literally. There was not so much as a single bolt of lightening or even the slightest of rumbles of thunder to entertain me the entire day; and let’s not even discuss the lack of events that was my night. No, we won’t speak of my quiet and uneventful night in my bed after a day spent dreaming of great storms to rock me to sleep. Instead, we will say how happy I am that there is nothing for me to clean up on this day after and how happy I am that my frozen food remained frozen and my windows remained intact. There is always a bright side I suppose.

The Obligatory “It’s Friday” Post

Hello and welcome to the ending of another week and it has been a decent week blog-wise. I updated almost everyday this week (although you did not notice yesterday…for shame) and even had some thoughts I am quite proud to have posted. In fact, the only filler post of the week is today’s post simply because I really do not have all that much to say today and am posting just so I don’t miss another edition of “It’s Friday.”

Oh, I do have one thing on my mind: Red. If you get the chance to see a movie called “Red” starring Brian Cox, see it! It is a very slow building story about an old man who lived a tragic life only to see his last friend, a dog named Red, shot for no reason and his constantly blocked quest for justice that becomes vengeance. The middle is a little bit slow, but the beginning, the ending, and a particularly heart-wrenching monologue by the very underrated actor Brian Cox makes it time very well spent.

Have a great weekend to all and to all a great weekend.

Quick Thoughts

I am entertained by dead people…wait that sounds morbid…even for me.

The people I find entertaining today are mostly dead…again, not sounding right.

Nothing entertains me like a dead guy….no that is way wrong. Ah, I’ve got it…

I have noticed a trend lately in the things I find entertaining and that is that most of the people involved are currently very much not alive. It dawned on my last night while watching Hogan’s Heroes and realizing that five of the seven main characters and two of the three supporting characters are dead today. The comedians I love (Mitch Hedberg, George Carlin, Richard Pryor) are all dead. The bands I love (Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, The Grateful Dead) all have at least one dead member and more in some cases (Lynard Skynard). Every night I go to sleep with the radio on and listen to dead people tell me stories through the Classic Radio station on Sirius; people like Jack Benny, Rod Sering, and the entire cast of “Gunsmoke.” Even the authors I read are dead: Hunter Thompson, Oscar Wilde.

Weird, huh? It also severely reduces my chances of seeing any of these people live.

The Return of the Kanrei Rant

Today’s rant is about political correctness and how incorrect many of those people who think they are correct are actually not. The spark for this rant: the fact that people are protesting Tropical Thunder because they use the word “retarded” for a person mentally handicapped. I wonder just when did the definition of “retarded” change.

The American Heritage Dictionary defines “retarded” as:

re•tard
v. re•tard•ed, re•tard•ing, re•tards

v. tr.
To cause to move or proceed slowly; delay or impede.

v. intr.
To be delayed.
n.
1. A slowing down or hindering of progress; a delay.
2. Music A slackening of tempo.

Now then, a person who is mentally handicapped is, by definition, retarded. I am sorry if the word offends some people, but it is the correct term. The people referred to as retarded are usually developmentally behind; they have mentally proceeded slowly compared to others their age; their mental development has been delayed or impeded.

I have recently seen many cases where the word “retarded” has been compared to the word “nigger” and has even been referred to as the “R-word” in an attempt to make it just as bad of a word, but it isn’t. No one was ever lynched simply for being retarded. To me, an offensive “R-word” is republican, but that is for another rant on another day. Today I am attacking the left because it is the left that seems to need to justify itself by defending everyone they feel cannot defend themselves: a sort of bigotry all on its own really.

True story: I used to work at a pizza place in Tampa and one of my co-workers was a black man. This was around the time “African-American” had replaced the term “black” to describe people of color and, being the good Liberal that I was, I referred to him as an “African-American.” This pissed him off as if I had called him that N-word.

“What makes you think I am African? Because I am black? I am Haitian and my parents are Haitian and so were their parents. We have always lived on Haiti. I have no Africa in me and calling me African-American insults my Haitian heritage. Besides, I don’t call you a German-Jewish-Russian-Polish-American, do I? NO, I say you are white and you are American; one has nothing to do with the other.”

The following day I saw a bumper sticker that read “Proud to be an American: If you Hyphen You are NOT!” This suddenly reinforced my previous days conversation and I realized that by calling a person “African-American” I am splitting their loyalties and lessening their place as an American: it was racism hidden in being non-racist.

Look at it this way:
Queer means different than the norm. A homosexual is different from the norm so it is technically “queer” for someone to be gay.

Gay means happy, and doesn’t everyone want to be happy? Being called gay is not a bad thing. The Flinstones have a gay old time, but that does not Barney is fucking Fred.

Retarded mean slower. A person who is mentally handicapped is mentally retarded.


People need to stop trying to find offense where there is none. The world is an offensive enough place on its own without us trying to create new ways to be offended.

This is KHWL and the time is 24 minutes after the hour. The views reflected here do not reflect KHWL, Kanrei's family, friends, or readers.

More Potential Bad Taste

I cannot help it if news sparks some neuron of creativity in my head. I am sorry if that neuron is not very often sensitive to timing and/or feelings and I am also very sorry that said neuron continues to fire the same idea over and over again until I put it somewhere other than my head. Consider this your warning to yet another Kanrei post in potentially bad taste.

I had this idea where Death was planning a big party off in whatever Death reality he exists on. Perhaps he was getting a raise or maybe it would be a retirement party for Bob down in accounting, or possibly Phil over in records, either way, somehow Death is responsible for the entertainment (yes, you can already see where this is going to go and, once again, sorry)so he begins asking all the rock stars and celebrities currently in residence for help at the party, but each and everyone of them, still rather bitter over their encounter with Death, usually at the peaks of their careers, turns him down and, for added spite, laughs at him. This leaves Death with no other option than to come down to Earth and kill a massive amount of celebrities to force them to do the show in exchange for a second chance at life. Oh the hilarity.

Yeah, well it sounded better in my head, but if I delete it I am afraid it will just come home so you are kind of stuck with this as a post.

Bon Appetit

No Title

Isaac Hayes and Bernie Mac have passed away this weekend, both way too young. Hayes was 65 and Bernie was only a mere 50. Hayes died from a so far unknown cause, but sources say he fell from his treadmill which leads me to think heart attack and Bernie died of complications from Pneumonia. While not a huge fan of either man, I do realize the cultural impact both men have had over their careers and that the loss of these men will be felt for a very long time; who doesn’t love “The Theme from Shaft” after all or the chef from South Park and we all know Bernie from the Ocean’s Eleven movies and my personal favorite role of his: the security guard in Bad Santa.

RIP to you both.

An Angry Friday

My G-d, another Friday; what a week. I should be happy that my Fridays have returned to normal, but considering that my Fridays are normally Hell, a return to a normal Friday has been rather painful to be frank. This has been the week of people testing us. You see, when people think you are weak, they tend to see how far they can push you and this week has been a lesson for those people that I have already been pushed as far as I can go and only have the option left of pushing back. Oh, and I push hard.

DO NOT THINK YOU HAVE ME IN A CORNER AND THEREFORE WILL CAVE INTO YOUR DEMANDS! DO NOT THINK FOR EVEN A SINGLE SECOND THAT I NEED YOU MORE THAN YOU NEED ME AND THEREFORE I WILL CAVE INTO YOUR DEMANDS! I HAVE SURVIVED WITHOUT YOU IN THE PAST AND HAVE NO DOUBTS THAT I WILL SURVIVE AND GROW WITHOUT YOU IN MY FUTURE! WEAKNESS DOES MAKE MOST PEOPLE WEAK, BUT THERE ARE THOSE LIKE ME THAT SEE WEAKNESS AS MERELY AN INCONVIENCE TO BE OVERCOME. DON’T MESS WITH THE BULL OR YOU WILL GET THE HORNS!

Just a note to any person involved in my last week who may or may not happen to land here. We are in a period of re-growth and we are not as strong as we once were, but we are not so weak as to need to cave in to every pointless demand of those who think they have something over on us.

Happy weekend.

A Friday at Last!

This could count as last week’s It’s Friday, or it could be this week’s; I am not sure considering I still owe one from last week. Perhaps I should instead summarize my life since that missed “It’s Friday” instead and allow you a glimpse into the reasons said post never happened.

THURSDAY, July 24th: The steering in my car sounds funny. Every time I turn my wheel I can hear grinding. I really don’t think this is a good sound. Perhaps I should take my car in on Saturday for a check up.

FRIDAY, July 25th: My car won’t turn left or right this morning. I am trying to get to work, but my car only wants to go straight. I don’t think I am making it into work today. My insurance offers free towing, so at least there is that.

SATURDAY, July 26th: After spending all day yesterday at the car repair place, I feel happy to have my car back. They had a hard time fixing it, but it is fixed and I can now drive off to my brother’s baby shower.

SUNDAY, July 27th: My steering stopped working yesterday while I was driving back from my brother’s baby shower. I was traveling about 70 on the 826 when it suddenly decided to no longer turn left or right. Thank G-d for that little bit of upper arm strength I have. I was able to, with hazards flashing, get into the right lane and make it home. So that is the difference power steering fluid makes.

MONDAY, July 28th: My car was towed again to the place where I wasted my Friday. They are so sorry that it happened and they are checking into what went wrong. I think I am missing work again today.

TUESDAY, July 29th: I got my car back last night about 5:30. They told me that the clamp they used was bad and they had to order a new one. I drove to work without any issues, but on the drive home the grinding returned. I did not waste any time and drove from my office back to the car repair place, now slightly annoyed. They said they need to keep it over night.

WEDNESDAY, July 30th: Missed work again today. Sounds like fun I know, but being stuck at home with no food and no car really sucks. My boss is slightly unthrilled at my missing so much work at such an important time in the company’s history.

THURSDAY, July 31st: Got my car back last night about 6. They blamed the entire problem on Jeep and Jeep’s changing of pumps without telling anyone. It is possible that Jeep just decided to deal with this on a case by case basis instead of issuing a full recall. Either way, I drove to work again today, for the second time this week; only my car did not like starting this morning. By lunchtime, my car was dead at my office’s parking lot; the battery was dead. They left it running every day they had my car. Towed once again back to the same place, on their dollar this time, for a new battery. I am now pissed.

FRIDAY, August 1st: I am sitting at my desk right now, lunch 30 minutes away, and I am terrified of what is going to go wrong with my car today. I have errands to run for work and a date with my parents for dinner tonight. Please let my car finally be fixed.

Happy weekend.

I Picked my Post!

What is worse: being caught picking your nose or having someone think they caught you picking your nose? For me I would guess having someone think they caught me. I have never been one to take issue when caught doing something wrong. Who am I to deprive you of the joy I get when I catch someone in the act of embarrassing themselves? Sure, I could be like everyone else and live by the double standard of “it ain’t funny if I am the punchline” and many will say I already do live that way (mom), but I cannot always be that selfish. The fear of being busted is the only excitement picking your nose has left. It stopped being a source for snacks after I turned 7.

Today, I find myself scratching the outside of my nose more and more often. I probably appear like someone with a really bad coke habit by the amount my nostrils itch, but I assure you they just itch; especially when driving. Besides, I live in Miami and everyone is scratching their noses…usually due to a really bad coke habit.

I am not sure what it is about the car that makes my nose itch so badly, but most nostril scratching is done while driving. Perhaps it is the combination of the vibration and those weird new hairs that seem to grow amazingly fast and long in my nose causing the itching. Either way, I am sure while I drive around numerous people glance over at me in disgust and wonder things like “how can a grown man be so involved in picking his nose” or “doesn’t he realize glass is transparent both ways and we can see his digging for gold very clearly?” The answer is “I am not picking it, just scratching the outside because it itches,” but who would believe that?

The most common answer given by people who are caught picking their nose is that they were not picking, but scratching. Kind of like when I was 13, I was not playing with myself, just adjusting…for a long, long time. While it is probably true that more times than not the person really is just scratching an itch, but try to convince anyone they did not see what they thought they saw when what they thought they saw was really gross, embarrassing, and funny and did not involve themselves for the joke.

Do I still pick my nose at 37? Sometimes yes, I have been known to “clean house” as Seinfeld put it once in an episode, and I am willing to bet more people do it than will ever admit to doing it. How do you dispose of your winnings if you do? I tend to use tissue, paper towels, or the back of a near-by friend’s shirt. Sometimes, when at a friend’s house, their furniture will do in a pinch…or a pet if they have an especially furry one.

So, did you make it through this entire post without touching your nose once? Yeah, right. You were picking and you know it! =P

A Post Too Far?

The following is in horribly bad taste and I readily admit it, but this is how my mind works and sometimes it is a dark place. I apologize in advance.

Dateline: Hollywood. After years of seeing declining ticket sales at the box office, movie executive today feel they have finally found the missing ingredient to get movie goers in theater seats: tragic death! Yes! You read that correctly; tragic death.

This weekend, the latest Batman movie, the Dark Knight, broke every record put before it. It pounced on the one day gross record, destroyed the weekend gross record, and even garnered total critical approval: a feat Hollywood has not achieved in quite some time. The reason? Star Heath Leger’s tragic and untimely death. Untimely? It was perfectly timed for the suits in Hollywood based on the ticket sales this weekend. They are even talking Oscar.

This obvious case of “cause and effect” has given those in their high Hollywood towers a brilliant idea to help with sales. Hidden within every contract signed in Hollywood starting today there will be a “Death Clause” which states that the signer agrees to terminate their life if it is viewed to be in the best commercial interest of the project. Of course, this clause will be printed in white ink on white paper. Most people would not willingly sign their lives away in the name of art, but then again… Besides, no one talks ill of the dead which guarantees the movie stellar reviews on top of massive box office sales.

Tom Cruise should really consider this given his recent track record. He used to be a star with massive appeal: Mel Gibson should as well. I really do believe people would flock to see their last movies, at least more people than have gone to see their more recent ones.

END BAD TASTE

Another "TGIF" Moment in Lemming History

I do believe that today is only my second time ever thanking G-d that it is finally Friday. Fridays and me have a long history of hating one another and Friday usually wins out, but today I am welcoming my old enemy with open arms. I am even upset it took my foe so long to arrive. You see, I am getting sick and, with my parents out of town, have not had the luxury of being able to call in sick.

I am basically, for all intent and purpose, the final word in making decisions during their absence since this time around they are in the Baltic sea and fairly unreachable. Normally they are just in North Carolina, only a phone call away, and therefore the company does not rely on me as much. This month however, I have been here and active in the day to day aspects of the business.

Well, off to do more work. Lunch is over and I have to go buy doorbells for the lab and have them working by tonight. Don't get too impressed though: they will be wireless doorbells I buy at Radioshack or something and should take a total of 10 minutes to install. I am handy, but lazy. The two usually work very well together in my case.

Have a great weekend to you all!

I Have Been MIA This Week

I realize I am slacking (again) this week, but this is my "Geek Week" and I am in full geek mode. You see, the E3 conference is this week in LA, and, even though I am far from LA, I am watching it daily when I get home from work and reading about the latest news whenever I am online, so blogging has taken a back seat this week. Fear not however, because today is the last day of E3 and I shall be returning to my other geek activities with plenty of time to prepare for the "It's Friday" coming tomorrow.

What is E3? E3 is a video game convention where all the biggies in the industry announce their latest hardware, preview new games about to be released, and basically reveal their plans for global domination. As a very loyal Playstation fan boy, I was very eager to learn of the wondrous things they had in mind to further keep a real life far from yours truly. Oh my...what a year I have coming. Sorry mom, but probably no grandkids from me again next year if E3 has any say in it.

Until tomorrow, happy gaming! Mario and Sonic say "hi!"

Hell

I found Hell. Bet you didn’t even know I was looking for it because I sure as, well, Hell didn’t know I was, but I found it. Hell is located on Sirius Satellite channel 3. Yes, Hell is a radio station. What would make Sirius 3 Hell you ask? Simple really: it was a Neil Diamond station playing 24 hours a day of nothing but Neil “Turn on Your Heart Light” Diamond.

“But Kanrei,” I can hear you saying, “you said it ‘was’ a Neil Diamond station. Surely that must mean that it is no longer one since any station that is no longer exclusively Neil cannot be Hell; what is more Hellish than 24 hours of straight Neil ‘Turn on Your Heart Light’ Diamond.”

Well my dear inquisitive reader, I can tell you exactly what is more Hellish than 24 hours of straight Neil ‘Turn on Your Heart Light’ Diamond: the new Sirius 3 and it’s 24 hours a day of ABBA and nothing but ABBA!!! The anti-Christ has arrived and is a programming director.

Does it affect me really? No. I never listen to that station, but I needed something to post about today.

It's Friday (Two Years Ago)

Today is the two year anniversary of my blogging career. This is not a moment to congratulate me for anything, but rather to thank you. Without your coming here, I would have probably quit long ago, but your comments and inspiration has kept this Lemming House open through the droughts and famines of creativity. I want to thank you for keeping me going. I count you all among my friends.

In honor of today's being not only the anniversary of this site, but also a Friday, let's take a trip down memory lane to the very first "It's Friday" and see a tradition start.

Tradition is tradition and Friday is not a day for heavy political thought. It is a day to prepare for all the braincells that are scheduled to die in a few hours. Today's news is trying very hard to be noticed, like some pathetic child not getting his way. No matter what you do to try and move past it, WAR WAR WAR is everywhere. If you are not looking for it, don't worry because it is looking for you. It has become the global pastime. A sporting event where we all have our favorite teams, we hope the other side is not just beaten, but humiliated, and we prefer to watch it on TV over the hassle of going to the event. More over, tons of writers and commentators are making huge dollars off of this event because we are all glued to our TV's and radios. We see the event happen, but we do not trust our own minds and eyes to interpret what we saw. We need people to tell us what to think about it instead.
Less news, more commentary.
CHEERLEADING THE APOCALYPSE! GO TEAM GO!
I understand the postgame coverage will be hell.

I was kind of bitter back then, huh? I mean, I agree with it all, but damn was I in your face on a supposed "non-political" post. Glad I started tempering that with humor and sarcasim, huh?

Happy weekend to you all! Here's to another two years of joy!

Movie Plot Idea: Volume One

This is not so much of a post as it is a note to myself to remember this plot I just thought of. You see, I want to make a Hogan’s Heroes movie. The show, a personal favorite, never got to have a finale; it just stopped. This makes the ending a story still waiting to be told. Here is what I have in mind.

As we all know, Hogan’s Heroes was about a group of POWs in Germany during WW2 who were working with the resistance from within the Stalag they in which they were being held. The show ran for almost five years (the length of WW2) and therefore the movie should take place as the war in Germany is coming to a close. Hogan and his men must escape from Germany, but they receive news that Klink, the German commander of the camp, is due to be arrested in blame for the acts of sabotage Hogan and his men have been committing in the area for years. The Gestapo believes either Klink was involved or was too stupid to stop it: either way he is to blame for their losing the war. Considering the bond that Klink and Hogan have forged over the years despite being enemies, Hogan must figure out a way to get Klink to Switzerland before he is arrested by the Gestapo and before the Allies free the camp and arrest Klink themselves.

Let me know what you think please.

It's Fri....um, Monday?

I have to admit that the Monday after a long holiday weekend is such a horrid experience that I am almost willing to give up the extra day off….almost. I think today has been made even more horrid by the fact that I took a nap on Saturday, which made Saturday feel like two days and therefore creating a four day weekend sleepwise and making today an even harder Monday. Case in point: the previous sentence made sense in my head before it made it to the paper. Further case in point: the sentence I thought made no sense appears to make perfect sense upon re-re-reading it; today is Monday for certain.

Sorry for the lack of a Friday update this week. I was working on a bit, skit, parody, whatever you wish to call it on the subject of July 4th being a celebration of the world’s most famous “Dear John” letter, but found myself still working on it Saturday morning. Since Saturday was July 5th, it meant that I missed both the “its Friday” and the “July 4th” post: double failure! I think that would make it more than just a “swing and a miss,” but rather as sleeping through my turn at bat. Sorry, but summer is the season for baseball metaphors. By the way, a metaphorse is when a horse is used to symbolize something else. Just a little F.Y.I. for your Monday morning blues.

Back to work.

Kanrei's Honest to G-d, No Bullsh*t Unsolved Mysteries

In what can only be described as the “strangest case of a mass suicide in Earth's history,” twenty-four American bees killed themselves Monday by taking up residency in the home of yours truly, AKA the Physical Home for Wayward Lemmings, here in the warmth of south Florida.

No explanation can be found for this pointless act of self-termination, which therefore, by default, links the deaths of these twenty-four bees with the mass disappearances of Honey Bees nationwide. The only real difference between the cases being that I can tell you exactly where the bodies of the twenty-four wayward lemming bees can be found: the Miami-Dade sewer system. I flushed their corpses to get rid of the evidence. I fear bees and therefore do not need any of their kin coming in vendetta or something.

To this date, the case remains a mystery and will very likely always be so. There are no access points that can be found to allow the bees entry to the Physical Home for Wayward Lemmings, nor can any reasonable explanation be found as to why these twenty-four bees calmly allowed yours truly to kill them one by one with a rolled up newspaper without so much as a fly-by in self defense.

Had these bees even hinted that they may have defended themselves and the chickenshit you call “Kanrei” would have happily signed my home over to them for a new hive. No, this can only be called “the strangest case of mass suicide in the Earth's history.”

I am Kanrei and this has been "Kanrei's Honest to G-d, No Bullshit Unsolved Mysteries."

The Friday Enema

Friday. I went to McDonald’s and had a homeless guy say to me “Smiles in an unsmiling world” as I passed by him to my car. I do tend to walk through life with a pretty much constant smile on my face, but that is not to say I am a happy person; rather that I just tend to see the subliminal joke in most situations that the average person is too busy to notice. And yes, every situation in life does contain a subliminal joke designed solely for the entertainment of the supreme deity of your choosing, this deity being the only real choice you have in life. All other events are dictated by the character the deity has written for you and the situations that deity decides to place you in.

Why reality television? Because we are all made in the supreme deity’s image and this deity loves reality television. Our lives and every facet of them are the reality shows they watch. Each of us is another channel they can view because, let’s face it, omnipotence has got to be boring. That explains the slightly free will we have been cursed with. I call it only slightly free will because the choices we make are usually already dictated by the person we are. For example, people who know me know that I would never ever kill another human being in any situation ever. This is because of who I am and how I was raised. I could never choose to kill someone, no matter the reasons. Do I have free will? Sure. Is there room for drama if say someone is not that familiar with my character? Absolutely.

Why did we watch “Growing Pains?” We knew Mike Seaver was not going to cheat on that test he had at the end of the episode, but we did not know how we was going to avoid cheating and therefore watched. Our chosen supreme deity watches over us for the same reasons: morbid curiosity of how we will end up where they already know where we will be.

That mental enema I had at lunch really seems to have worked. How could all that crap have been stuck in my lower cerebellum? No wonder rational thought had such a difficult time coming out. I hope this means I will have a logical weekend, as I hope you will as well.

Watch out for cliffs and clavens.

Random Thoughts on June 24, 2008

• Do they have American BBQ restaurants in Japan like we have Japanese Steakhouses in America? I am imagining a restaurant filled with giant BBQ pits, surrounded by tables that enable eight people to sit in a semi-circle and watch an American in cliché BBQ apparel cooking hot dogs and hamburgers. Of course there would have to be a show aspect to the place as the BBQ Kings twirled their spatulas, juggled their salt and pepper shakers, and did funky tricks with their wieners. I can foresee a franchise starting just as soon as I move to Japan.

• Every year stoners celebrate April 20th as the national pot smoking holiday. The reasons behind why 420 and not say 515 are varied, but it is universally agreed that 4:20 is the time to smoke pot and April 20th, being the twentieth day of the fourth month, is 420 all day long. Many a stoner throws a massive party on this day in celebration. The interesting part of this is that April 20th is also Adolf Hitler’s birthday. I have to wonder if any group of stoners, in their mind hazed wanderings from party to party ever stumbled into a Neo-Nazi celebration. I do know that my college roommates and myself, all Jewish, threw many parties on April 20th before realizing this horrible irony. Cops driving by wondered “are they stoners or Nazis or possibly Nazi-stoners throwing the ultimate bash.” I think the Nazi-stoner crowd probably gets the most out of April 20th actually.

• I was at a friend's house last night who is working on learning self defense and was watching a video on "grappling and holds" while I was there. I was wondering if they make videos for the other side, like for criminals. The companies that make radar detectors are the same companies that make the radar guns- they are basically selling to both sides to keep their customer base alive. Every time they make a new speed gun, they then release the detector to beat it, causing the cops to need a new speed gun. I was thinking that, if the self defense companies followed this example, they could rake in millions. I mean, for every video teaching a suburban housewife new defense techniques, they could also sell videos to prospective and upcoming criminals on how to counter these methods. They then could install the fear of G-d in these housewives over the fact that all their self-defense techniques are outdated and easily countered. It would be a never ending cycle of sales! Of course, one has to have no soul to do this, but, looking around the business world I can see plenty of souless chaps eager for a dime. Me? I just want my 10% for the idea. I can live with being 10% evil.

• I miss George Carlin.

Thomas Lost his Conductor

I was all prepared to write today until I was on my way into work and learned that my first official hero, George Carlin, has passed away. My love of words and how they can be used in different ways can be traced back directly to this man. Quite a bit of my philosophy of life can be traced back directly to this man. I never felt he told jokes so much as just phrased reality in a "laugh or kill yourself" kind of truth.

More than just a dirty comic for adults, George also was the VW in the Pixar film Cars and the conductor in Thomas Tank Engine. His passing is a loss for the entire world and this is one case where I believe the world will take notice.


R.I.P. Mr. Carlin and thank you for everything! This is the first famous passing to ever bring tears to my eyes.

A Great Friday Too All

Today the office took me out to lunch to celebrate my birthday so there was no "It's Friday" update. The Month from Hell is at a close it seems just a few weeks too late, but at least things are returning to their normally scheduled viewings. Have a great weekend. I will be sleeping until Monday.

Yet Another Week From Hell Diary Entry

Today I ripped someone’s guts out and shat upon them as they sat festering in the scorching noonday’s sun. I took someone’s concept of reality and shattered it into a thousand pieces and then spread those pieces out around the globe knowing they will never find them all again. Today I looked a man in the eyes and told him that he was no longer a part of the company of which we both once worked. This was my first firing ever and it felt worse than I ever imagined anything could. I mean to see a grown man cry and beg for his life and there being nothing you can do other than try some half-assed pathetic and slightly transparent attempt to empathize with this man is impossible.

How can I honestly empathize with him when, come tomorrow, I will still be employed and he will not be? How can I honestly empathize with someone who is about to get their last pay check with no prospects on the horizon? The answer is I can’t, but there I was, going through the motions, pretending like I knew how he felt; the depths of the fear and worry that is now his life is something I could never know.

I told him I would do anything I could for him as if there is anything I could do for him. If I couldn’t save his job, how can I get him a new one? He called me on it and said that what he needed was to work. That just felt so peaches. I told him that he still had vacation time left, so he had another paycheck still coming, but that was no help. It is sort of like telling someone that, after this next swallow of water you are going to dehydrate for a while. It makes it kind of hard to really enjoy that last glass.

Now I know in the grand scheme of things that it is for the best. Nobody likes having an operation to have something removed either, but, when leaving it in will cause more damage, you have to take the discomfortable path and remove it. Ask any pre-op patient if the pain is really worth the surgery they are about to have and almost all would say that the pain is not all that bad. They would probably say that the preparation for the operation was more painful than the thing being treated. This does not mean that the operation should be avoided. I realize that letting this person go today is going allow this company to survive where as it was questionable if it could with them. There is no doubt about that, but that does not make the operation any easier to endure.

The week from Hell AKA the Fortnight from Hell is rapidly becoming the Month from Hell and it officially now has a body count. Call me the serial killer because today I gave someone the “axe.” I only prey…I mean pray that he was this killer’s last victim because I really did not enjoy the taste of raw employee flesh.

The Blog Nobody Reads

This is the blog that nobody reads.

These are the words on the blog that nobody reads

These are the thoughts contained within the words embedded on the blog that nobody reads

This could have been the spark of creativity caused by the thoughts contained within the words embedded on the blog that nobody reads

This could have been the Earth changing idea born of the spark of creativity caused by the thoughts contained within the words embedded on the blog that nobody reads.

Friday the 13th: Part Pi

It is late for a Friday, but that is just indicative of the week from Hell that has extended into the Fortnight from Hell! It just never ends. Yes, today has been mostly calm and no bombs have gone off from any unexpected places, but we went out to lunch today to say “good-bye” to more collateral damage from the break up and that was kind of sad. Don’t worry, she is not unemployed. In today’s economy we would do everything we could before allowing someone to lose their job over something that is no fault of their own. No, they will be working with the other half of our split which guarantees a friendly relationship between the two offices.

On the Playstation 3 front: it works perfectly. Everything I said before about Sony I must now officially take back. I had a bad service person last time, but Sony showed me that they can do things right when they want to. I had my new PS3 in my hands 3 days after sending it back to Sony….3 days! This includes the day I mailed it off to them and the day I got it back. That means that I was technically without a PS3 for only two days total. Now that is turn around. I watched Spiderman 2 on BluRay last night to check that it worked and it worked!

This weekend I am fixing a toilet that lead me to a $126 water bill. I called to complain, but they had me check my toilets and damnit if the one I thought I fixed weeks ago was not still very slowly still leaking! Blast it! I know toilet water is clean, but I still really hate dealing with the inside of a toilet. Fecalphobia I suppose.

Have a great weekend and a happy Father’s Day to all you dads our there. If, like me you have no children, then enjoy the quiet Sunday and remember that you probably already have enough ties.

In honor of today I will repost the ditty from the Friday, October 13, 2006 post:

My friend Jason has an axe
Blood and gore and guts
He puts it into people’s backs
Blood and gore and guts
With a “chop-chop” here
And a “chop-chop” there
Here a “chop”
There a “chop”
Everywhere a “chop-chop”
My friend Jason has an axe
Blood and gore and guts


My friend Jason has a knife
Blood and gore and guts
He used that thing all his life
Blood and gore and guts
With a “stab-stab” here
And a “jab-jab” there
Here a “stab”
There a “jab”
Everywhere a “stab-jab”
My friend Jason has a knife
Blood and gore and guts


My friend Jason has a machete
Blood and gore and guts
He likes to turn people into confetti
Blood and gore and guts
With a “slice dice” here
And a “slice dice” there
Here a “slice”
There a “dice”
My friend Jason has a machete
Blood and gore and guts

Selling the Drama

Drama, drama, drama; I feel like Michael Corleone: everytime I think I’m out, they pull me back in. Nothing is ever smooth in a divorce and, let’s be frank, that is what is happening right now at work. The partners are splitting up and are dividing assets and that is never a pretty sight. Add into the mix that third party, the other woman if you will and “her” desires to have it all and you have a major FUBAR in the making. It is taking quite a bit of my time and, it is so exhausting to deal with, that it is also zapping the life from the free time I have left. All I want to do is sit on my couch with my remote in hand and veg.

I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, but I thought I had seen one before. I am going to assume that it is just a reflection off of some new dilemma waiting for its chance to jump out and say “boo!” I am ready for it. I can’t wait to get back to blogging though. I forgot what it was like to have time to try and kill at work. So this is what it is like to actually work for a living!

My First Ever TGIF

I used to hate Fridays as many who have read here for a while know, but not today. Today I fully understand "Thank G-d It's Friday!"

I spoke too soon about my return to full time honest to G-d blogging. The storm is officially over, but there is quite a bit more post-storm clean up than I expected. For example, it is now 1:26 and I am sitting at my desk for the first time all day and only for the few moments is will take me to type this out. See, you do take priority with me. I will be getting back up shortly to get back to my phone calls. I hate phone calls.

Anyways, have a wonderful weekend to each and every one of you. I survived this week nicotine free! I will be visiting you later tonight.

...I Have To Wear Shades

The Week from Hell continues, but is getting less and less Hellish every day. Where I had to convince myself earlier this week that all was not lost, today I actually believe it in my soul. It could be the minor rapture I experienced the other night while praying (yes, I do pray, but my relationship with G-d is between me and G-d so I don’t talk about it much), or it could be the vibe I got from the meeting today with all of our techs, but I feel confident right now that all is going to be better than OK, it will be better than it ever has been.

OK, rapture. I prayed the other night because of all that is happening right now in my life. I worry about my parents because they are not cynics and are not as prepared for betrayal as I am. I worried about my co-workers and if they believe us when we reassure them all will be OK, or if they think it is just empty spin. I worried that, if they do have faith in us that we might let them down. I worried that, if they didn’t and went to the other company, that the other company would let them down. I worried that the person who betrayed me and my family so deeply was not the evil person, but rather just a fool who trusted the wrong person and now their family will be screwed as a result. Yes, I worried about the futures of those that betray me. I am a nice guy when push comes to shove, so I prayed to G-d to guide all of these things to the outcome that is best for all. I did not ask for a specific outcome, because who am I to pray for anything specific in anyone else’s life. I just asked G-d to guide all concerned to the best outcome for all concerned.

I finish my prayer and begin to feel chills. My face contorts to a smile and I begin laughing while tears fall down my face. The hairs on my neck stand up and I feel that everything is going to be fine. I am not some religious freak, so I don’t mind you disbelieving me or thinking it was something else. I would be doing the same if I read that on your blog, but I believe it to be true. It was as if G-d were reassuring me that all is as it should be and that is good. I slept for the first time in days.

Today was the rally meeting with the techs. We gathered those who have generally worked at our location and told them they have to decide which facility they want to work at. We told them our plans and what we wanted from them. When asked about the other place, we were honest and said that we had no idea what was going to be. It might be more money, might be less. It could be more work, could be less. We could not say. At the end, I think a good percent is going to stay with us and that makes me very happy. I did just wreck my car though seeing one of them at the other place and wondering what they were doing there. Probably reporting to the enemy what happened during the meeting, but they have nothing to report. As the Grateful Dead once sang: We Will Survive!

Tomorrow will be a return to regular blogging, both here and at your sights. I have a lot of reading to do and will be commenting on more than just your most recent post, I promise. My political essay fell by the wayside this week due to the excitement, but it is not lost or forgotten.

Life can be a wild ride sometimes.