Monday, October 11, 2010

The Columbus Facts

Here are the offical facts of Columbus and his time spent discovering America:

He Missed

So I hope you enjoyed this well researched and in depth piece I just finished writing about the triumphs and success of Christopher Columbus. I think this work I have just done best reflects the true nature of his fame and glory. The details you have found contained within this piece of historically accurate literature are based 100% on the factual records of Columbus and his journeys and time spent in North America.

Saturday, October 09, 2010

The Trials of Brad: Thursday

And upon the rising of the sun, so did G-d, in all his glory, gaze down upon yon sleeping Brad, safe within the confines of his bed, and did He say unto Himself "today beith the day for him."

And so Brad awoke as usual 15 minutes before his alarm and stretched within the confines of his bed, and did he say unto himself "this is good," but G-d did laughth.

And so Brad stubbed his toe on the corner of his bed whilst on his sleepy-eyed journey to the bathroom and so G-d did giggle.

And as Brad walkith to retrieve his garbage bin did he see the garbage bags removed, but a ton of clumps of cat litter sitting comfortably within the confines of the bin and so G-d did sayith "gotcha!"

And so upon returning from the bid, did Brad's alarm system begin beeping and flashing the holy number "14" repeatedly and did G-d sayth "you ain't seen nothing yet."

And so Brad driveith to work and all is well and he did say unto himself "that G-d that's over" and G-d did respond "ya think?"

And as Brad sat at his desk at work, so did the phones and internet die suddenly and without cause and G-d sayith "whatcha gonna do now?"

And so Brad driveith himself over to the lab which uses a different phone system only for his driver side car window to die suddenly and without cause and G-d sayith "I got more; oh I got more."

And upon Brad's desk at the lab sat not one, but devices used for sleep studies which did die suddenly and without cause and G-d did say "told ya I had more."

And Brad's cell phone did ring and the alarm company did callith to tell him that his alarm was beeping and flashing the holy number "14" and that it required his attention. A new battery, double A in size is all that is needed. And Brad did think a ray of sunshine had come into his day and G-d did bring the clouds.

And on his return to the office from the lab did Brad learn two patients had canceled for that night and that a Tech would now have to be told he wasn't going to work. And Brad did sigh and G-d did say "I know how much you love that."

And even though Brad had pickith up a Double A battery on his way home, two in fact, so did he come to realize upon getting home that double A was the wrong battery and he would have a flashing holy number "14" for one more day.

And G-d began to take pity on poor Brad who still had yet to curse or scream or even kill anyone.

And so that day ended for Brad at 6:00PM as he went back and safe within the confines of his bed to cheat bad luck and he did awake the next day to sunshine and good fortune, thank G-d. And G-d did say "you are very welcome."

Thursday, October 07, 2010

I Got It!

Just what makes that little old ant think he can move that rubber tree plant?

Delusion and possibly drugs.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

A Creative Spark

I read a story today about a man's girlfriend who called 911 on him because he would not get a job.
LEBANON, Mo. — A 35-year-old man was charged in Missouri with possessing marijuana after his girlfriend called 911 and said she was tired of him smoking pot all day instead of working.

This sparked a few songs in my head that I would like to share with you.

The first is to the tune of Paul Simon's "50 Ways to Leave your Lover"

My girlfriend asked me if I plan to get a job
She was tired of dating an unemployed stoned slob
But I told her
Wouldn't it be nice
If she got a job instead.

She said there was no way that she was gonna work
She said I was acting like a loser stoned jerk
But I told her
I do this for fun
I didn't know she'd call 911

You can be a narc on Clark"
"Just call the 5-0, ho"
Don't hit the pipe, Mike
Just get a job.

Don't try and inhale Gale
Stay away from the pot, Scott
Don't get the munchies, Louise
Just get a job

Then I had another flash of inspiration:

To the tune of "The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel

On the sofa sits a stoner
Who cannot find a trade
He would rather just watch the TV
Smoke some pot and then get laid
But his girlfriend had enough
She cannot take no more
"I am leaving
I am leaving"
And she heads out of the door

I really enjoy sight seeing in my mind sometimes. I never know what is waiting for me there.

Monday, October 04, 2010

The Big 3/4th!

Well, that was fucking FUN! I went to see Anthrax, Megadeth, and Slayer last night. Wouldn't you know this was the first show I was running late for in my life? For the first time in Metal history, a show that was supposed to start at 7 actually began at 6:45: old rocker friendly! The sad part is that I ended up missing half of Anthrax. I came in as "Indians" was hitting the climax.

What I did hear and see of Anthrax blew me away! They sounded better than ever and age has not slowed them down at all; either speed of music or antics on stage. They know how to work a crowd and get them ready for the chaos to come.

Megadeth came out next and started by playing 1991's Rust in Peace from beginning to end and then followed with a mix of new and old songs. I did not get the songs I wanted from the mix, but my fandom is pretty much limited to the first four of theirs, so I didn't expect much considering they have 30 years of material to choose from and I was lucky to get what I did. They did not really engage the crowd much, but that is what you expect from Dave Mustane: ego. He makes up for it with skill and my G-d was that on display.

Slayer...never a fan so I didn't hang around for them actually. It was a Sunday show and I had a 10 am meeting scheduled for Monday. If one of those two were not true, I would have stayed. Slayer is Slayer and a legend of metal.

Now then, if you want entertainment you must go check this tour out. The 35+ Mosh pit was something to behold. No kids allowed and it was awesome as kids today do not know how to mosh properly. It is not a fight and not about drawing blood. No fists, no elbows, no knees. If someone falls, pick them up. Any kid that tried to mosh was quickly tossed to the sidelines since they don't seem to understand the order of the chaos.

Did I mosh? No, but I always seem to be on the outer rim of the pit so I am always right there anyway.

It was the 80's reborn with bald spots! So fun.