Thursday, April 28, 2011

Trump: a Parody to the Tune of Lump

Trump sat a home
"How can this be?"
It has been five minutes
He hasn't been on the TV
Trumps broken ego
Hatched a pathetic plan
"I'll join the Tea Party
And say Obama's an African"

He's Trump
He's Trump
He's Trump
What's that on his head?
He's Trump
He's Trump
He's Trump
I think he's brain dead.

Trump got inspired
Went on TV
Said "Obama ain't American
Like you and like me"
Obama then proved
That wasn't the case
Then Trump switch attacks
To keep the egg from his face

He's Trump
He's Trump
He's Trump
He has no clue
He's Trump
He's Trump
He's Trump
I thank G-d he ain't a Jew

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Obama's Birth Certificate- Why I Can't Accept It

I just realized this is not enough information. I need the following before I can accept this as valid:

The medical license of the presiding doctor.

The medical school records of the presiding doctor.

The accreditation of the medical school attended by the presiding doctor.

The accreditation of the hospital

The complete history of the hospital and all administrators

The names of every other person born the same week as Obama so I can ask if they remember seeing him.

The qualifications of every instructor the presiding doctor had while attending medical school.

The qualifications of every administrator who had a role in the hiring of every instructor the presiding doctor had while attending medical school

The prior experience of the construction company that built the hospital

Three witnesses not in Hawaii at the time of birth who saw the birth.

One partridge in a pare-tree.

Is that so much really?

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Arguing Against the Existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Since I have decided to start blogging more often to get my "writing chops" back into shape, I have picked today, 4/20, to argue against the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

What is the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Well, according to their website (yes, the follower of the Flying Spaghetti Monster have a website):

I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

Bet you thought I was making it up. They call the practice "Pastafarianism." My sense of humor is abstract and sharp, but not THAT abstract and sharp. I am in awe of this. Anyway, here are my three top reasons it cannot exist:

1. There is no evidence that it flies. It does move through the air, but is this the result of self-propulsion or the after effects of a leap we don't know.

2. Are we sure it is made up of Spaghetti and not say Linguini or even Lasagna noodles? Can we even say for certain that the FSM is of Italian descent as is implied by the use of Italian cuisine to name it?

3. Is "Monster" accurate? Could not the flying spaghetti aspect simply be the result of an unwatched child at Olive Garden and not the sign of a sentient being?

3B. Also, the word "Monster" has such a negative connotation that it is hard to imagine such a being being benevolent and therefore worthy of worship.

Stupid as all Hell I know. Happy 420

Monday, April 18, 2011

Brief View on Scre4m (AKA Scream 4)

Brief View: That sucked eggs.

Longer View: No, that really sucked eggs and the eggs were rotten to begin with. I thought I was watching a parody of the Scream movies rather than an actual Scream flick. I mean the actors were there from the other Scream movies, and the mask was there, and the voice, the knife, the clumsy killer, but the frights...not so much.

To give you an idea how bad it was, I saw it on a Saturday night on opening weekend and, even though the theater was three-quarters full of teens, it was silent for the entire length of the movie. Seriously, not a single scream or shriek or even gasp for the entire runtime of this supposed "horror" movie.

I am not even going to go on with this review. It would be pointless. I am just not in the mood to be as negative as would be required to do this wreck of an insult of a parody of a horror movie. That alone should tell anyone who knows me just how horrid this movie was as I love to rag on weak movies. This was just bad, horrible, and not even good enough to mock.

There was one redeeming factor: I used a free pass so I didn't have to pay for this insult to my senses.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Brief View on Hanna

Brief View: Damn Fun

Longer View: I saw Hanna this weekend. I will not spoil anything story wise, mainly because I can't; there really isn't much of one: a girl who can kill on the run from a government agency. Think Bourne Identity mixed with La Femme Nikita with sprinkles of Run, Lola Run and The Professional liberally spread all over. Basically, the makers of this movie were obviously real big Luc Besson fans and made a very effective tribute to the director.

While the story is weak and more a method to get from one action set piece to the next, they are very well done. The director, Joe Wright, showed a lot of faith in the ability of his actors to pull off the choreography the fight scenes demanded; something you don't see often enough in today's world of quick cuts and tight camera shots. The highlight for me came in the form of a 360 degree, one take fight sequence that really made me forget this was a PG-13 film.

And speaking of the rating, for a PG-13 movie, I am quite surprised at how effective the suspense of the chase sequences and the quality of the fight scenes actually were. I very quickly forgot there were things that could not happen due to the rating of the film and found myself wondering a few times "what is going to happen next?"

The weakness of the film sadly comes across anytime and every time a connection is supposed to be made between characters, any characters. The father/daughter dynamic is barely there, the villains seem to act villainous because they are expected to, and the main character runs and fights because it is what the scene calls for. Even a British family we spend some time with seems more like a collection of actors playing parts rather than an actual family on vacation.

Overall, this movie was fun and that is what we go to the movies for, right? Even with no story, I am eager for a sequel and I think and hope the world has found a great new action star in Saoirse Ronan.

Monday, April 04, 2011

Brief View on Insidious

I saw Insidious this weekend. I will not spoil anything story wise.

The Bullet Point Version
If you are looking for a creepy movie, then go see Insidious, but leave once you see the gas mask.

If you are looking for a good and well made ghost story, then go see Insidious, but leave once you see the gas mask.

If you are not concerned with story or consistency or payoff, then stay until the end.

The Sort of Longer Version
The first half was one of the scariest movies I have seen in quite sometime. The problem with the movie is that the "myth" it uses is designed for a series of films and they kind of lose focus half way through with the story and go instead to define the rules of this new myth for future movies.

Overall, a good solid creepy ghost story that overstays its welcome and tries to be a small fish in a big pond instead of being the quality big fish in the small pond it started as.