Sunday, July 05, 2015

My Dear Rectum

Dear Rectum,

Have fun these next few weeks because this is your last hurrah.   I will not miss you.   I will not sit back and reminisce fondly of the unrelenting hours of nonstop fecal parades.   I will not buy toilet paper or tushy wipes out of a sense of nostalgia for lost days.   I will happily wear boxers once again and never fund the Depend industry again.  The bathroom stalls of gas stations, restaurants, movie theaters, concert halls, and grocery stores will not see my ass again, although I have been mostly impressed with how clean they are nowadays.

I used to fear the colostomy bag.   I couldn't think of a more humiliating hell that that, but I was wrong.    Believe me when I say NOT having one has been way worse.   Yes, I appear normal, but am not.   With the bag, I won't appear normal, but I will be and that is a great trade.

I only mourn one thing and will have to make a point of having lots of photos taken without my shirt on next week on vacation since that will be a sight I am going to lose.

Other than that, bring it on Ass!  I am ready for anything you bring and you better bring it because this is your last chance to show me what you got.  I'm ready; are you?


PS- I would have said "fuck you ass," but that might seem gay and I'm not gay...not that there's anything wrong with it.

Thursday, July 02, 2015

Three In A Row?

Three days of posts in a row; you'd almost think I was a blogger or something!    Fact is, this is my legacy and I want it complete.  I have no kids to pass on my life lessons to, so I have you Lemmings instead; my people.   And I want to post while I can because there is a chance things might overshadow my desire to share at some point and, if I can make this habit instead of desire, then it will be easier if I am weaker.

So far there is no chemo in my future and, thank G-d no radiation; just an operation.    And people are shocked I am psyched for the colostomy bag, but if you knew what I have been seeing (and I won't share because even I have limits) you too would be counting down the days until you never shat again.   Besides, Depends are getting expensive.

OK, so aside from the cancer, what else has been going on this last year?   Well, I sold my condo and live in an apartment now.   Taxes and insurance were out of control, so better rent without headaches IMHO.   Same job, but less hours due to my condition.   Overall, I am actually and surprisingly quite happy.    Cancer is the best thing that ever happened to me.    I almost wish it happened sooner so I could have started this new me earlier in life.

Are you sitting down those who knew me for years?   I'm happy.   I am beyond happy.   I don't care if the glass is half full or half empty so long as you are happy with the choice of glass and its contents.   Where I used to search for a touch of grey in a world of shadow, I now am surrounded by a world of light.   I wake up happy.   Even when I am bored, I am happy to be bored.   It is amazing the way something "Tragic" can make your outlook better.

Sadly, this new found outlook has destroyed one of my previous life's joys: being a sarcastic bitter political cynical junkie.   I can't do it anymore; I don't care.   I now see how stupid the game is where I used to love the way it was played.   I laugh at the pundits and partisan hacks now and actually pity them where I was once one of them.   I kind of miss it.   "Kanrei" was a good political warrior once upon a time and now he is an old wise man seeking balance and peace.   What a waste of a talent.   And with Trump in the race too...

Well, that's good for today.   Wonder if I'll do it again tomorrow...

Wednesday, July 01, 2015

24 Hours Later

OK, so I've had twenty-four hours now to digest the news that cancer had returned.   I use past tense because the polyp that had the cancer has been removed, but it is an issue because I just had a colonoscopy three months ago where a monster of a polyp was removed and my colon declared clean.      And "Monster Polyp" is an understatement when my surgeon said it was the largest he had ever seen and had an OR on standby "just in case."

But to get back on subject, what this changes is simply wording for me and timing.   I had already decided to have an optional operation to have half my colon removed.   I had decided to do it in September, so when my doctor called last night heralding Cancer's return performance, all the news really did was change "optional" to "mandatory" and "September" to "in three weeks."

Why  "three weeks?"   I got vacation planned and I would rather go in diapers than with a bag.   After this vacation, I will have the rest of my life to party with the bag.  

I have noticed the universe listens, so be careful what you say.   Just two day before the doctor called, or three days ago I guess I could have just said, I was telling my mom that I wished I could do the operation sooner, but felt I should give myself the waiting period.    Universe heard me and said "waiting period over."

I can't wait to never wipe again though.   No, seriously!  I hated wiping before the creations my body creates post-cancer; now I really hate it and it takes for freaking ever!   I aspire to the consistency of a new born with diarrhea sometimes.

Too far?  Sorry  =D

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

It Is Ok, Really

And just like that I'm a cancer patient again. Came in the form of a phone call this time. My doctor called my parents instead of me because he figured it was news I would rather hear from them. Rob being a doctor makes hearing bad news easier. A small polyp was found inside by colon and tested positive for cancer which means my body isn't finished with me yet and my victory laps were premature.

Part of me expected cancer's return and I was waiting for it like a horror movie survivor who suddenly finds themselves in the sequel. It was too easy last time. Everything went far too smoothly and the villain vanquished with far too little of a struggle. He wasn't defeated so much as he simply retreated to regroup.

How should I be responding right now? Crying? Questioning G-d? Self-loathing? Probably all of the above, but instead I am calm, cool, collected. In shock? Perhaps, but I don't think so. I think it is more of this new me with this new outlook. I was, pardon the cliché', transformed by my experiences and am not scared of it this time around. I know the pattern, the game, and the rules this time.

“Do nothing and die or fight and live, but to live you will have to hurt yourself.”

This is the central theme of the Saw franchise, a series I didn't fully “get” until I was diagnosed with cancer. I used to think I didn't mind if I died and, if I were in one of those traps, figured I would have simply just died without a struggle. I have learned not only how much I want to live, but how much there is to love about life. I am not ready to give it up yet. It took cancer to show me this and, much like a survivor of a Jigsaw trap, I have come out the other side with a newfound joy and desire to live.

Nothing is standing in my way; not even my colon. See ya! Good riddance. I hated taking shits anyway.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

To the Tune of "The Adams Family"

It has been a while. Hope you enjoy

 They're racist and they're greedy
A little bit too needy
They like their interns seedy
They're the Republican Party

They hate to see their women
Do anything than have children
We should see and never hear them
The Republican Party
Do-do-do-do (snap snap)
Do-do-do-do (snap snap)

So gather up the stupid
We love the Jackbooted
Watch your bodily fluids
The Republican Party

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Did I Ever Tell You I'm Still Alive

Yes kids, I am still here. Gimme Five...I'm Still Alive. The cancer, according to my doctors, is 100% GONE! History! Memorex! A Scar and a memory! Now I am on preventative chemo for 3 months to make sure it doesn't return. Praise Jeebus!

The ostomy I had was Hell, pure and simple. These last few months have had me in the deepest depression of my life. What I had instead of the classic colostomy was the far more Hellish ileostomy. I cannot NOT recommend one of those enough. Here is the medical jargon on such a nightmare since I really can’t explain that well myself:

“An ileostomy is an opening in your belly wall that is made during surgery.
An ileostomy is used to move waste out of the body when the colon or rectum is not working properly.

The word "ileostomy" comes from the words "ileum" and "stoma." Your ileum is the lowest part of your small intestine. "Stoma" means "opening." Your ileum will pass through a stoma after your surgery.”

Here is the link to me nice and legal:

Basically, to keep things nice and gross, a colostomy collects solid waste where an ileostomy collects liquid and liquid will find any flaw in any system it can. In other words, the ileostomy leaks like a sieve. There are few things that compares to waking up covered in liquid shit I can assure you and it does wonders to your psyche.

The depression I fell into as I said before was darker than any I had ever been in before and I have had some pretty dark depressions as anyone who knows me can attest to. I refused to leave my parents’ house for two months because of not knowing when the damn bag was going to leak next. I felt less than human in many ways. There was no sense of security anywhere to be found and the fear that it would never be reversed really weighed on me. It was pure Hell.

To add to the complications, it appears nobody in Miami-Dade who works in medicine knows anything about ileostomies. We (my parents and I) went from nurse to nurse, hospital to hospital, home care to home care in search of just one person who understood and could set up an ileostomy correctly only to return with a leak and a little less self-confidence. In the end, we (my parents and I) figured out how to jury-rig it so I could have a few days before the great flood returned.

Now I have some pain and the chemo sucks, but it is far better than what I have gone through. I am on the mend and going in the right direction. I have gained 10 pounds and my color has returned. Everyone keeps telling me how great I look which is a new Hell for me as I never have responded to compliments well, but I’ll take it compared to where I have been.

I can’t thank my parents enough…all of them. Be it support mentally, financially, or just being there for me to rage against, they have all stepped up far beyond what I thought was possible. My friends too for your concerns. Thank you all.