Friday, October 31, 2008

Friday's Important Voting Rules

Well, well, well: it is Friday and it is Halloween! Have I got a scary thing for you on this day to think about: President Palin!


Damnit! I lost you. Oh well, have a great weekend, a safe and happy Halloween, and remember to leave out your milk and cookies for the Great Pumpkin.

Remember: to avoid the lines at voting, we have set up a system that will make it easier for all. Obama voters should show up on Tuesday, November 4th and McCain voters should show up on Wednesday, November 5th. We feel this should reduce confusion by pollsters and will decrease line length. Remember to show up ONLY on the date you are allowed to vote for your candidate. All votes for Obama on November 5th, for example, will be marked for McCain. Take care and arrive at the right day.

One last thing, Democrats should vote early and often. We have set up special lines for dead voters and for pets. Cartoon characters should send in absentee ballots only, thanks.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Faux Lemming Endorsement

With the election just a measly seven days away I have decided it is time to end the debate, speculation, and wonderment, and tell you all once and for all exactly whom the Lemmings are supporting this year for President.

We have thought long and hard on this subject and have weighed both side's arguments before coming to any decision and, in a race between John McClane and Osama Bin Lauden, how can we not endorse Mr Die Hard himself, John McClane? The man is a retired police officer who has repeatedly battled and overcome terrorists, both international and domestic, and all in the name of country and family! Osama has, on the other hand, killed numerous people, both internationally and domestically, all in the name of opposing country and family, well, my country and family at any rate. I am almost as shocked that the DNC would ask Osama to run on their ticket as I was amazed that the RNC would turn to retired NYPD detective John McClane. Here is to eight great years of dying harder than the last one! Yippie-Ki-Yay Mother F*ckers in 2008!

IMPORTANT UPDATE: It has just been brought to my attention that the race this year is actually between John McCain, not McClane, and Barack Obama, not Osama. That kind of changes everything. I guess that is what I get for listening to Fox News.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Friday's Pathetic Attempt!

This is a photo of a McCain supporter after she was supposedly attacked by a Obama supporter. Does anyone else notice the many things wrong with this photo?

1. If her left eye were bruised to the point of having that much discoloration around it, wouldn't there also be busted blood vessels in her eye? The actual eyeball is way too white and clear for that much discoloration to be around it.

2. There is a slight start of a bruise on her right eye as well, as if she started applying the make-up to that eye as well, then decided it was too much to believably sell.

3. The "B" carved into her cheek is not very deep at all; in fact, I would say it is not "carved" at all, but rather lightly scratched, as if someone did it themselves as a way to show damage without actually causing any.

4. The "B" is backwards! I realize this should really be number one, but a sense of the dramatic forced me to save it. It is pretty much exactly the way a person would do it if they were, say, looking in a mirror and doing it to themselves.

5. She has that "runaway bride" look in her eyes.

And that is just the photo! Read here for even more large holes in this pathetic attempt for attention that I guess worked since even I have now written about it. This is also the day after McCain has a film of his POW days released and the day Palin is denying she kept the clothes. Full court press time!

Sorry to get political on a Friday again, but this story just begged me to say something. Happy weekend.

UPDATED @ 1:41: IT WAS ALL A HOAX AND WE CALLED IT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE WHO HEARD THE STORY DID! KDKA is now reporting that she has admitted to making it up and will be facing charges.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Unneccessary Statements of Truth

So people are going apeshit over Joe Biden’s guarantee that, should Obama be elected, the nation will be involved in a major international crisis. The right are using this to say things like “the world believes Obama to be weak and even Joe Biden says they will test him” or that they will create a crisis to justify themselves, or, even worse, that they will use it as a chance to sell America out to the world’s governments: I really love election year delusions. The left, well, they are just putting their heads in their hands and shaking in disbelief that once again Joe Biden places his foot firmly in his mouth by saying something everyone already knows, yet no one believes needs to be said aloud.

It has been my firm belief for quite sometime that every new President is tested by some element of the world community within their first year in office and it has been that way for at least my lifetime. Every President since Carter has faced some major crisis that defines their administration. Here are just the few I can think of off the top of my head:

Carter- Iran hostage crisis
Reagan- shot within first ninety days in office
- Beirut Marines barracks attacked in 1984
GHWB- Iraq invading Kuwait
Clinton- 1992 WTC attack
- the attack on the USS Cole
GWB- 2001 WTC
-North Korea nukes
-Iran nukes

The problem is that Biden should know better than to say something that could be so easily used by the other side, even though it is true. The fact is that, should Palin ascend to the Oval Office, she will be tested even worse than Obama would be, but Democrats do not pedal in fear the same way the Republicans do. The fact is that, just like Hillary would be a better VP choice, Biden needs to learn how to keep his mouth shut or, at the very least, learn to think before he speaks. It is this flaw in his character that has stopped his White House bid every other time he has tried.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Friday and Politics Again?

Welcome to “It’s Monday” AKA “It’s Friday in Opposite World” because, you see, we live in Opposite World. I never knew it either, but there ya go. There is no other explanation to a world where McCain has served in the Senate for 26 years and Obama only since 2004, yet Obama is the establishment and McCain the breath of fresh air. Only in Opposite World could the economy be bad for eight solid years and the Democrats have control of the Congress for two, yet the entire economic mess is their fault. Only in Opposite World would a man associated with Charles Keating and a member of the Keating Five call Obama a terrorist for his association with Bill Ayers. Only in Opposite World would a man associated with Charles Keating and a member of the Keating Five be taken seriously as someone who can reform corruption. Only in Opposite World would a man say his first term Senator opponent is too inexperienced to be President, then defend his one term Governor running mate as being more than ready to be President.

Crappy Weekend everyone...since it is Opposite World and all.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

The Website of the,, Year!

Palin as President. If it were not so true, it would be so much more funny. Click most things more than once to get more than one response. For example- the door on the left has three different things behind it. Have your speakers hooked up as well. This is wonderful....better than Fey.

"Now THAT is a Maverick!"
"I can see Alaksa"

Monday, October 13, 2008

Yeah, and Bugger the Other One Too!

Can someone please explain “Columbus Day” to me? We don’t celebrate any other major failures, so why does this guy get his own day? Think about the sheer amount of failures this guy is credited with and you too will be wondering why the Hell he gets a day.


1. Set off to find a new trade route from Europe to India: he didn’t. He never made it even close to India. He instead landed in the Caribbean.

2. Thought he landed in India even though he was not even close and this is why, to this day, Indians are called Indians and the Caribbean is also referred to as the “West Indies.”

3. Never set foot in North America, yet still to this day we credit him with “discovering” the place. Leif Ericson, a Viking, actually did land in America long before Chris ever thought of boats, but he gets nothing. Why? Chris had a better press agent. Perhaps it is the alliteration: Chris Columbus just rolls off the tongue while Leif Ericson is impossible to even spell right without looking up.

4. Still to this day has never found that trade route to India

Did Columbus start our country’s desire to reward the undeserving based on intent rather than accomplishment? Is he to blame for why we accept Bush as President and why we are even considering either candidate we are currently choosing between?

I guess Columbus really is a real American hero and deserving of his own holiday. He did not discover the physical land of America, but perhaps he did discover the “close but no cigar” attitude that makes us and drives us to mediocrity.

Praised Be Jawsus Christ

Friday, October 10, 2008

Jawsus-Christ, Super Friday

You really have to admire a holiday like Yom Kippur when you stop to think about it. It is brilliant in its simplicity, yet devious enough to justify its own existence; a self perpetuation holiday if you will. Only the people who came up with guilt and the Jewish mother could come up with such a ponzi-scheme of a holiday.

For those who don't know, Yom Kippur is the day of atonement for one's sins. It is always celebrated after Rosh Hashana (New Year) so that you start each year sin free and this is done by starving oneself or fasting if you prefer for twenty-four hours, to be followed by a braking of the fast with one's entire family. Do you see the problem here yet? I don't know about you, but after five hour of hunger I tend to be none-too-chipper to be around let alone 24 hours and neither are most members of my family. We suffer from low-blood sugar and, for the most part, require homicide or food to alleviate this. Since Yom Kippur denies us of food until the sun sets, you can probably picture the scene for those first two hours.

Oh, we will all deny it and say “but this year wasn't so bad,” but, at least for me, I can say I got annoyed at my uncle and could tell he got very annoyed at me. Sure, once we ate it was a love fest, but there was tension before that first bite hit our stomachs and that is the ponzi-scheme aspect of Yom Kippur: you will fight with a family member at some time before you eat, thus committing your first sin of the year and requiring you do it all again next year. Like I said, it is brilliant in its simplicity, yet devious enough to justify its own existence.

A vital aspect of Yom Kippur is also to remember those who passed away and to honor them. Luckily for me, I have been blessed so far in my life to not have had to observe this part of the day.

Happy Friday to you one and all and remember that things Palin...I mean plain are bad for America.

PS- did anyone else see the story of Jawsus Christ being born? No, really. A shark has just had a virgin birth! The sharks' savior has cometh! Join Sharkianity today!

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

The Kanrei Plan 08 -OR- The Confuse a Republican Act

Today was a shocking day for me and it is only 10:19 in the morning which is leaving quite a lot of time for quite a lot of shocks still to come too. You see, I thought today on my way to work and actually came up with an idea. Yes, this idea was sparked once again by my watching of a bad movie, but the stimulus does not matter when the results are as great as they are this time. With the simple help of Starship Troopers I have solved both the military problem and the immigration problem in one fail swoop. I am not sure “fail” is the right word, but considering the likely hood of this idea actually being accepted let alone working, perhaps “fail” is preemptively right.

One central theme in Starship Troopers was that there was a difference between civilians and citizens: civilians are normal people, but without many rights that a citizen has earned through military service (right to vote and such). We are always saying “illegal immigrants are doing the jobs that Americans simply won’t do” and let’s be honest here, the war is not a popular thing at the moment. I have not done any research (because facts often ruin great theories), but I would assume that the current quagmire in Iraq is lowering troop moral and even lessening the pool of those willing to volunteer. Why not, instead of deporting illegals, offer them the chance to enlist and fight for their adopted country?

Most people who hate illegal immigrants (the right) place veterans on pedestals, so just the irony alone of their situation would make this worth a try at least. We could call it “The Confuse a Republican Act.” They could even have these newly sworn in citizens patrol the boarder when they return because, let’s face it, they already know the holes in our system and they speak the language. It is win/win!

Drug dealers for the DEA! Murderers working Homicide! And Terrorists for Homeland Security!

OK, maybe it wasn’t such a great idea after all…

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

I Need Your Help

The National Federation of the Blind is planning a protest of a new movie called "Blindness" which I believe is about a plague that makes everyone in the world blind except for one person. I am not totally sure on the plot other than the whole world blind except for Julianne Moore and the fact that the National Federation of the Blind is planning a protest based on the movie's portrayal of blind people. My standard reaction a group planning to protest a movie is usually "then don't see it," but how can I say that in reference to the National Federation of the Blind without being an asshole?

I would say this protest is slightly retarded, but that would only cause yet another protest to start on the heels of this one.