Saturday, June 30, 2007

Diary of a Guinea Pig Part II

Today is day two of “The Great Pill to Quit Smoking Experiment 2007” and I am still alive. No flipper babies or strange voices in my head or anything; well, not new strange voices. Herbie is still there with Mauve and Phyllis. I am not sure where Eugene wandered off to, but I am sure he will return eventually. He always does.

Today I took half my usual Prozac does to go with the “Great Pill to Quit Smoking” and my spaciness did slightly diminish, but not entirely. I think that means it is the new pill doing it to me and I just need to ride it out. If it continues on Sunday I am going to quit the pill, but not my quest to quit smoking.

On the quitting front I think the pill is working. Cigarettes taste different today. They leave a nasty “school milk” aftertaste in my mouth. I really can't stand to finish them, but soon want one because my nicotine craving was not yet satisfied. This means more cigs lit while less smoked. I suppose each day I will light less until I don't light any at all. Might be worth riding the side effects out.

More later. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Get It?

The latest "We need more money/attention" tour of the decade starring:

and Featuring

Get your tickets now before they sell ou...who are we kidding? Act now and we will pay you.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

It Begins

I did it finally! I started the “quit smoking” pill this morning after two weeks of not filling the script and two days of putting off starting. I feel….intoxicated. Not fully drunk or stoned, but just mellow. I cannot concentrate fully right now on things so I am very happy for the light day of work today. I have yawned thirteen times in the last hour for example.

I am still smoking today and should be for the next seven days. Next Thursday is the magic day for me and July 4th the last nicotine day of my life. I feel more confident in my decision to quit smoking today, but I am also fearful of the side effects to come. More later, I am feeling a bit spacey right now. I wonder if I should quit the Prozac while I am on these new pills.

Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.

UPDATE I just got off the phone with the company that makes the pill. It seems no testing was done to see the possible effects of Prozac on people taking it so I am the offical testing bunny. They are going to call my doctor in a few weeks to check and see how I am doing. The side effects I have felt thus far are new to them however so it can be anything. Tomorrow I skip my Prozac to see if the effects continue. If they do then it is probably the pill; if they don't then it is the interaction of the two and something will have to be planned. More later.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

This is The End/ Carcinogenic Friend, The End

It begins tomorrow. It was supposed to begin this morning, but I chickened out at the last minute. I have the pills. I filled my prescription yesterday at lunch. Life changing events tend to be rather scary sometimes and easy to put off.

They claim it will only take seven days to quit smoking once I start taking them, although I will have to remain on the pill for up to twelve weeks to guarantee no more smoking. I think that is what is scaring me the most to be perfectly frank- quitting in seven days. In one week a friend of sixteen years will be out of my life forever. Yes, a friend that has been slowly killing me, but a friend just the same.

This friend has been there to give me breaks when the work day gets to stressful or boring. This friend has been there every morning with me and said goodnight to me every evening. This friend has comforted me when I was down and helped me celebrate when I was up. I am going to miss this friend more than I realized when I agreed to end our relationship.

Funny how the right thing to do never feels right, isn’t it? I mean we all know veggies are better for us than chocolate, but which would we honestly rather eat? We know stories about certain celebrities will only cause us to become just a tad bit dumber, but we still read them. I knew smoking was bad for me long before I took my first drag, but I still did and I am a fairly smart guy. The stupid path is just so much easier to take most of the time.

Well, procrastination must end at some point in time and I suppose there is no time like the present; or rather the soon to be present. I am still at work and do not have the pills with me here, but I suppose I should start right after dinner tonight. The pills say to only take them on a full stomach. Wish me luck.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The Over-Due Return of the Real Media

Click Here to witness the triumph of real news over gossip. We at the Lemming House have a new hero. Mika Brzezinski, we love you. Forever and ever, amen.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Why Does Reality Have to Hurt?

Let’s talk vacation for a moment, shall we? I just took one, a real one, and I feel great! I am sorry if I worried you at all over these last nine days, but I felt the need to see how long I could go without turning on my computer. Since I am an admitted computer addict I figured my vacation should be from that world. The answer to how long can I last without going online- nine days!

Do you remember a world before computers? Do you remember what you did with your time before the world was available to you on a tiny screen? I didn’t. I forgot what seeing a friend was like at night. I forgot what going out was like. I forgot what entertaining myself was like. I loved it! Yes, I missed you all, but I was on a mission. Everyday I had to fight the temptation to just check my email or see what was happening in the world.

I had nightmares of a computer-free world before this week, but no more. Now I think I am going to remain offline for three days a week just to try and regain my sense of self. Those three days will most certainly not be in a row, I am an addict after all, but I think I really need to try. If nothing else my eyes feel better after not staring at a screen all day.

Glad to be back and I did think of you everyday. Most of it was “tee hee, I bet they have to work today”, but that counts as a thought.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Happy Friday To You

“I’m thirsty,” said Tom.

“Hi Thirsty,” answered Peter, “I’m Friday. Why not come over Saturday and we’ll have a Sunday.”

A bad joke involving days of the week? That can only mean one thing: its time for another edition of “Its Friday!!!”

(Wait for applause to die down)
(Still waiting)
(Still waiting)
(OK, shaddup already.)

This Friday we have a very special episode planned and it does not involve the “Diff’rent Strokes” kids and a perverted bike shop owner. This special episode also does not feature the “Facts of Life” girls and that uncomfortable dating request on prom. This special episode does not even have techs not wanting to work or patients not wanting to come in. No, this special episode features a very happy Kanrei and his co-workers going to a Japanese Steak House for his birthday lunch. It also features a very happy Kanrei right before taking three days off next week. Yes, this is a rare very happy Kanrei episode, thus the special nature.

On the lonely update- I did not feel lonely at all last night. Not even for a second. The other night was either a fluke or the beginning of a slow gradual change; not sure which. I welcome the change if that is it and am happy it was a one time fluke if that is what it is. I suppose my Gemini twins are debating to be alone or not to be alone. Is that not the ultimate question? Eager minds await the answer.

The one political issue on my mind is Palestine. Being Jewish I can’t help feel some connection to Israel and I have watched the world blame Israel for the situation in that area for most of my life. Those of us who are Jewish have accepted Israel’s role in the mess, but have always questioned who exactly Israel is supposed to negotiate with. The situation right now in Palestine I hope shows the world this problem we Jews have faced for years- namely that those opposed to Israel’s existence are also opposed to each other’s. One cannot seek peace with people who are not at peace with themselves. It is time for the Muslim world to look at itself and decide where it wants to fit into today’s world. The Jews had to do it and the Christians had to do it. Time for the newest faith on the block to do it.

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there. Have another amazing weekend and avoid those cliffs.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Strange Scenes Inside the Gold Mines

Last night was a strange night. I felt something I never felt before in my life and I really did not like it that much. I felt…wait for it….lonely.

How weird is that? I have lived alone for six years now and have relished every second of it. I have loved coming home to a dark and silent house; loved not speaking for hours on end on weekends, and doing whatever I want whenever I feel. I look at couples and actually pity their lack of security in themselves. I have mocked those who “need” another person to validate their lives. I have never understood how a person could voluntarily give up their isolation in exchange for some mindless and pointless banter, until last night. Last night I wanted another person around to talk to, to share my excitement with.

It was 100% pure selfishness that caused my loneliness and I realize I still have yet to think about what someone else might expect of me, but it is a start I suppose. Wanting another person around might just cause me to re-examine myself and see what parts could use some tweaking. I love who I am, but that does not mean I am the best me I can be. Maybe being around another person will force me to grow beyond what I thought I needed.

It is honestly longer than six years I have been alone, it is only six years that I have been living alone. Prior to that, I had roommates and friends, but no significant other. I have been single since 1994 and never once felt the need to alter that until last night.

Funny how these things creep up on you sometimes. Maybe it is my coming birthday causing me to want some changes in my life. The interesting thing is going to be to see if I get lonely again tonight or if last night was just a one shot deal.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

R.I.P. Mr. Wizard

Don Herbert: 1917 - 2007

The world will never be seen the same again.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

I Live!!!! Oh Thank the Deity of Your Choice I Live!!!

I have no idea how exactly I made it home today alive. I should have died at least four times by my count and I am a lazy counter so the actual number is probably closer to six. I can honestly say, without fear of committing hyperbole that I have never seen as heavy of rain as I saw today. Forget measuring this one in inches and instead check for anyone building an ark with a rather large animal collection nearby. This storm is biblical.

On the drive home it was a total white-knuckle ride. There was zero visibility to begin with, but nature had to one up itself by adding waves of water completely overpowering my wipers and leaving me looking through a fish eye. It was surreal. There were moments I felt like I wasn't moving and looked as if I wasn't moving, but my speedometer said 10MPH so I obviously was moving. I lived through hurricanes and have not seen rain this thick before in my life. Bad day to leave work early.

Looking out my window from the safety of my house it is obvious that G-d spilled His drink. I think maybe He needs to lighten up on His mid-week drinking. I can think of no other reason small chunks of ice would be smashing into the roof of my car in Florida while I was driving home. I can also think of no other reason the morning temperature of 98 is now an afternoon temperature of 66. It is supposed to get warmer as the day progresses, not have a 30 degree drop. I really hope I am still in Florida.

Oreo, my little hellion of a cat usually greets me at the door everyday when I get home from work...wait, that is incorrect. Oreo, my little hellion of a cat usually tries to bolt past me to freedom everyday as I get home from work, but not today. Today he simple peaked his head around the corner and gave me a single soft “meow.” The cat equivalent of “sup” I believe. Right now he is still in my closet which is endlessly ironic to me since that room still slightly leaks in very heavy storms. Not the best place to hide from falling water in my humble opinion.

The best course of action is obviously to take a nap. Sleeping in rain is great. Actually sleeping in rain is rather hard, but sleeping indoors during a rainstorm is amazing. Nature's perfect and sweetest lullaby. I just wish the angels were not quite the bowling enthusiasts they are today. I am a grown man I know, but thunder still gets to me sometimes. It's like those cheap “jump scares” in movies. You know it is coming, but the exact moment when still catches you off-guard.

Good night to all. Hope my house holds up and I don't wake up in Kansas.

Friday, June 08, 2007

Scary Monster's Challenge

A Polish woman marries a Greek man. Before the wedding the Polish woman's mother gave her a warning about Greek men.

"He is going to ask things of you," she said, "and I want you to promise me right here and now that you will never ever allow him to turn you over in bed. Never!"

"I promise mom," the daughter agreed.

The two get married and, for three years have sex at least three times a week and never once did he ask her to turn over until one fateful night.

"Honey," he said almost begging, "do you think we can try something different tonight? You know, possibly maybe you could turn over just tonight?"

The girl could not believe her mother was right. "My mom told me you would ask this of me one day and I promised her that I would never ever let you turn me over.

The man was naturally disappointed and calmly asked his wife...


Hey kids! Do you know what time it is?

Its Kanrei Friday ty-ty-time.
Its Kanrei Friday ty-ty-time.

Yes, that’s right. Its time for yet another installment of “Its Friday” here at the Lemming house. Oh how I wish I could write the name of the person annoying me so this week here on this blog, but I honestly do not want to give her any more Google hits than necessary. The nerve and balls on this chick are so infuriating though that it is hard not to bitch and complain about it. I mean she is supposed to be under house arrest yet has catering trucks coming to her home today for tonight’s party. And after she left prison early due to some vague “medical problem” that obviously was beyond the skills of the prison medical staff, but not serious enough to stand in the way of a good party.

Enough about the horse-faced whore and onto better things. I am in my last 24 hours of watching standard definition TV. Yes, that’s right. Tomorrow my new LCD HDTV is delivered. Happy birthday to me!

Now before you start accusing me of being in the same league as those I hate (spoiled rotten) it should be noted that I have saved up six years worth of birthday gifts to afford said present. This is not a usual gift for me. In fact, I hate spending money. I am more like Jack Benny than Par….almost typed the name.

For the comically challenged- Jack Benny was a radio and television comedian from the 30’s and 40’s best known for the running joke of was how cheap he was. The most famous of these famous jokes was when Jack got mugged.

Mugger- Your money or your life.

Benny- (says nothing)

Mugger- I said “your money or your life.”

Benny- I know, I’m thinking it over.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. Find those words gone wrong, write 5000 words, and pass the next level. I have faith in you.

Thursday, June 07, 2007


If I cry at my desk can I work from home? I will wear a braclet and not go out partying. I feel working from my desk in my tiny office is cruel and unusal punishment that I cannot mentally handle. It is too cold in my office and my chair sucks. I want to go home. If she can I should!

UPDATE- My boss said no. I think it is time to start the "FREE KANREI" movement.

One Last Baby Blog

I have written so much about this birth you might think it was my child coming into this world, but it isn't; just a good friend's. The reason I am writing today is that I noticed something very cool that I forgot to write about yesterday. Trust me when I say this is worthy of yet another baby blog.

Babs, the mother, was born on December 7th. That date might sound familiar to you. Think historically. It was on December 7th, 1941 that Pearl Harbor was attacked and World War Two began. I always find birthdays that fall on historical dates to be so interesting and easy to remember.

And now for the weird part. You see, Babs' child was born yesterday, June 6th. That date should also sound familiar to you if you think historically around the same era as the mother's birthday. Yes, June 6th, 1944 was the start of the Normandy invasion that started the end of World War Two.

What are the odds a mother born on the date that started a war having a child born on the date that ended it? You cannot make this stuff up.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Welcome to Reality Fellow June Gemini

There must be something to June births or maybe its just June births with the number seven, but it seems we like to be C-sectioned instead of coming out the traditional way. It also seems we like to wrap the umbilical chords around our necks to ensure said birthing method. We June babies can be quite lazy refusing even to be born if there is an easier option you might say.

“OK Kanrei, you got me curious. What exactly are you babbling about THIS time?”

Babs gave birth today....Babs delivered her baby today! Little Casey is officially “Little Casey” now! The poor thing had to have a C-section this morning at 4:20 (woo-hoo 420!) and she was still out of it when I spoke to her around 4 this afternoon (woo-hoo, almost 420).

It was so cute; she just gave birth yet spent most of the conversation with me bragging about this new printer/fax/copier she bought two days ago. She told me how she hooked it up and everything it could do and how she was eager to do some work from home to test it out and on and on. I asked how the baby looked and she worked her printer into it by saying she was going to send me photos on her new printer when she got home. I finally had to interrupt her and say “Babs, you just had a baby and all you can tell me about is your printer” and she responded with “it's a really cool printer.” It was really cute.

I have known Babs for almost 20 years and I have never heard her that out of it and happy at the same time. I have seen her happy and out of it of course, but never at the same time until now. She had this sound in her voice of total and complete bliss. It could have been the drugs from the operation of course.

If there is ever a moment when a person has it all it has to be just after birth (EW after-birth). I am so proud of her. I feel like I just became an uncle.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Big Bada Boom!

These events happen from out of nowhere. They happen suddenly and without warning. To the observer they happen in the blink of an eye, but to the participant they occur in slow motion. They can see every moment of every second unfold before their eyes yet are unable to alter the course they are on. We all know the behavior expected of the participants in such occasions, but what of the observers? As usual for one of my posts some clarity is needed I see.

I was on my way home from work today after one of those rare amazing days. Everything fell into place, everyone got along, and we went out as an office together for lunch. It was one of those days in a good way.

So there I am, sitting at a red light going home when I hear a loud sustained honk. I glance up to see a black Honda making a left turn regardless of the white Honda that was going straight. Needless to say the loud sustained honk was quickly followed by a loud crash, the squealing of white Honda's tires as it spun out of control and then, quite unexpectedly came a second crash and not from the Honda careening out of control. Rather it seems the black Honda was not finished with its chaos creation and it just had to slam into the front end of yet another white Honda. Yes, it was Honda day here in Miami and they were only giving them obviously to the driving impaired.

The proper thing for those involved in surprise parties such as this is to exchange information after making sure everyone is alive and reasonably well. What exactly was I supposed to do having seen the whole thing? My instinct told me to pull over and help, but a co-worker driving behind me drove on. Was this the correct thing to do? Was I placing myself in danger or being nosy by pulling over?

I walked over to the carnage after every other witness quickly fled the scene and checked each car to make sure the people were alive. I offered my cellphone to anyone who might have needed it and asked if they needed a witness at all. They all were fine and thanked me, but said they didn't need me so I left. Only one other person stopped.

Was I stupid for stopping or was I wrong for leaving? I really don't know what is the “right” thing to do. Luckily I do not witness that many accidents.

In regards to Birdie's post of yesterday, my inner child did say “cool, car crashes rock”, then I quickly grounded the little bastard for being so insensitive.

The First Step is Knowing You Have a Problem

The temptation has almost been too great to overcome, but I think I have done it. It was hard not to, but I have stood firmly in not writing about it and no, this does not count as writing about it because I will not define what “it” is here and therefore will not be talking about “it” per say, but rather the fact that I have not talked about “it” even though everyone (myself included) expected me to. Now THAT was a run on sentence almost. Maybe just too wordy.

I will say I have been following “it” for some masochistic reason only my psyche understands and I have been laughing my ass off. Sorry mom, but I have been. I know you think that is cruel of me, but I cannot help what I find amusing. If there were some “Big Brother” type monthly pay-per-view service I would almost certainly be one of the first subscribers. Maybe it would be in High Def so I could feel like I was there. Oh that would be cool and Fox News- everything here is copy written (or copy righted) so the idea is mine. Pay me and its yours.

Perhaps if I can not write about “it” then SJ can get help with her Depparations. Remember, the first step is admitting you have a problem. =D

Monday, June 04, 2007

The "Less Than Two Week" Countdown Begins

Mark your calendars and make sure you have the day free. Considering it is a Sunday I am sure you will have it free, but it being Father’s Day makes it a crapshoot. You may decide wishing your father a happy day takes priority, but I assure you that pseudo-holiday is nothing compared to the grandeur hidden from most on that day. Oh yes, there will be blood…I mean joy. Sorry, “Saw” quote slipped in somehow.

Sunday! June Seventeenth! Two Thousand Seven! There are no days more important to you than Sunday, June 17th, 2007. Your world should stop turning, phones should be unplugged, and checks better already be in the mail because Sunday, June 17th, 2007 is the day that your one and only Kanrei turns…..wait for it…..36!

“Dude, that is sooooooo old.”

I know, I know. My bones creak already and I am forgetting….something. I forgot what I forgot which makes forgetting less painful come to think of it, but I am getting old. And to celebrate my birthday I am quitting smoking on that day for good. For ever. Once and for all. No more tobacco products will be purchased or consumed by me ever again.

I never expected to live to 30, but since I have I figured I should try and see just how long I can ride this adventure out. Smoking is only going to end the quest before it is over and I can’t have that. I’ve got too much invested in this story to not see it through. Too many people would find life boring without me around to annoy and/or confuse them. I mean think of the poor office staff that relies on me to validate how normal they are. Without me they might start to doubt their own sanity so I am quitting smoking for them more than me. I am taking a hit for the team. Wish me luck.

It’s almost 3 so I have to get back to work before I leave for the day. I should try to squeeze in at least an hour of work before leaving early, don’t ya think?

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Dear Democratic Presidential Hopefuls,

I realize you do not know me or honestly care what I have to say, but I feel the need to give you some advice just the same. I also realize the odds of you actually listening to my advice is less than my sneezing the Mona Lisa, but I feel I must at least try.

I should state upfront that I do not yet support any of you for the position you are vying for right now, but there is still a long time before the election. Most of you seem to want the job just to show someone up or prove something to yourself, but are any of you honestly qualified to be President in any way, shape, or form? The three Democratic front runners have a sum total of just over three terms in Congress to their names. Only Hillary is in her second term and that so far has been mostly campaigning which is better than Obama who is spending his entire FIRST term on the trail and not representing his state.

I am trying to learn your positions, but so far that has been impossible. I have tried to watch the debates, but there is nothing there that really matters. Each of you are acting as if you are running against George W. Bush. Last time I checked he cannot run again. I don't want to hear about his failed policies and how your plans are better than his. He is the definition of “lame duck” and comparing yourself to a lame duck who cannot run makes you what?

Right now you should be concentrating on telling us what makes you different and why we should support you. You are not running against GWB right now nor are you running against the Republicans. Right now you are running against the other people on that stage with you. Speak of their ideas and how they are weak compared to your's and leave the Bush-bashing for the pundants.

Hillary, you voted for the war so get over it. Say YOU messed up. Do not blame anyone else. You voted. Stop trying to spin it and just move on. Anything less makes you look pathetically like a politician and we are sick of politicians right now.

Obama, you might one day make a great President, but 2008 does not contain that day. Your inexperience in politics shows when you are forced to think on your feet. You are young and I would recommend you sticking to the Senate for a few terms and make a difference there.

John, John, John. What are we going to do with you? You lost once already. Your running now seems desperately like you regret giving up your Senate seat and want to justify your bad choice in 2004. Winning now would really make losing the VP in 2004 worth it, huh? The thing is we didn't understand why Kerry picked you in 2004 to run with him when you have no experience in government really either. One term in the Senate hardly qualifies you to be Commander in Chief. I suppose you just think it would be “neat.”

You do have one thing going in your favor right now and that should bring you comfort- the GOP is in just as bad of shape with their prospects and I always say “no ideas beat bad ones” so you have hope.


Friday, June 01, 2007

President Needed: Spelling Optional

This is for Serena's Twisted Linguistics. See if you can spot the error.

Hey Kids! Do You Know What Day It Is?

So here we are once again at yet another Friday. What are the odds? There are about 52 Fridays each year and somehow we seem to stumble upon one at the end of every week. They are unavoidable. Even though we wake up everyday with only a 14% chance of it being Friday we still manage to find one. I wish the other things I had a 14% chance of doing would happen with the same frequency.

It only being 11:00 means I am not going to define this particular Friday as either good or bad. I think it is still asleep and dreaming of the day it plans to give me. So far it has gone smoothly, but I have gone through enough Fridays to know never judge it by its pre-noon behavior. Most times it is just warming up by 1 and reached its full fury by 3. Probably because 3 is when my techs are waking up and getting the messages about work.

My arm…is weird right now. Most of the pain is gone, but sadly so is most of the muscle. I am left-handed and actually am struggling to lift a cup just to drink right now. It is a very odd feeling, but fixable. I just need to work it out and it should be back to normal in a few weeks. A lack of strength is nothing compared to the constant pain I was in and I would gladly take weakness over pain any day of the week. I am a wimp after all and a feeling of weakness is really nothing new to me, but pain I hate.

Did any of you notice that we all seem to flake out on our blogs around the same time? I was gone for a few weeks and, while catching up on all my favorite haunts I am noticing other people apologizing for their absence as well. Almost like the universe took our little circle of bloggers and decided we all needed a time out or something. Very strange if you ask me, but I suppose it explains why we all found each other- we are the same person existing in difference spaces simultaneously. Explain that one Einstein and Hawkins.

Happy weekend to everyone.