Friday, January 08, 2016

Personal Update Time

Been a while since I spoke of myself here, so here we go.  I know you are all dying of curiosity of my current state a mere 4 months out from that life-altering surgery.  I know I am dying to find out how I'm doing.   I don't tell myself either as I don't want me to worry.

Let's get the first thing out there first: I hate this fucking bag!   I do.  I hate it.  I hate the smell.  I hate the bulge it makes in my shirt.  I hate dealing with it.  I hate having a constant reminder of what I went through.   The worst is that I often forget it is there and the sudden realization that it is, is sometimes like getting again for the first time: I have to adjust to it and remind myself that it is permanent and how I am forever.    But it isn't all bad...I wear boxers again and that is awesome!  I don't buy toilet paper and my toilet seat hasn't gone down in months.  I hated taking shits, I just haven't decided if I hated shits more or less than I hate this bag.

I have started working full time-ish again.  Our office has everyone down one day a week, so that is the "ish."   I am not out of my hole of debt, but I can see the bottom which means I can stop sinking and should start rising again soon.   My nihilism is still going strong and that is a problem as I don't think I have fully committed back to the living again.   I feel like I mentally still have one foot in the grave and am simply biding time between outbreaks.  I have to constantly remind myself it is not the length of time one has, but what one does with it that matters and I need to commit to this life.  I am trying though.  I am forcing myself to go out some.  I have gotten back in touch with old friends and am forcing myself to hang out with them.   By forcing, I mean that my natural inclination is to stay home alone as that is my comfort zone, so I force myself to go to them rather than having them come to me.

I am obsessed with comedy programming now.  I won't watch anything serious I've noticed.  I tried Jessica Jones and I can see it is a show I should love, but the unrelenting darkness seems to get to me now where it didn't before.   I've continued trying to learn more and more about myself and to find comfort in what I find.  I have accepted perfection is never going to be attained, but that is not a reason not to strive for it.   I used to use that as an excuse to not try, but I've realized that, while you can't reach perfection, you can get pretty damn close if you try.    This is the concept I am trying to apply to my life now: it will never be perfect and there is officially now no chance of it ever being perfect, but I can get close if I really want to and I think I really want to.   I mean, why did I go through all that Hell if I am just going to wait to die?

Thursday, January 07, 2016

Yeah, I Love Quotes

My boss said to me today "stop quoting song lyrics to me" while we were having a debate about life, but I can't help myself.   I have always loved quotes and always found value in them.  I know why.  Want to know?  Keep reading.  If not, sorry I lost you.

Once upon a time, I said something profound that I believed was an original thought.  I was proud of it as it ended the debate and I had won...I thought.  The truth is the debate changed gears to my unattributed quote I had heard, but forgot I heard and thought was original.  All my credibility was shot at that moment and I lost the debate.  If I was wrong about the source, I could very easily be wrong about everything else I said.   It sucked.  I felt shamed.  I began a quest, or rather resumed a quest started in childhood.

I always had an ear for lyrics.  Yes, I didn't always get them right ( "We are the Champions" is NOT "we are the trappers), but I always focused on them.   And, speaking of shameful moments, "we are the trappers" is a big one and another factor to my quote obsession.   Hang on for a tangent.

I forget the year, but "We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions" was a huge hit and constantly on the radio.  I think I was 7 or maybe 6 and was living in Snapper Creek with my mom and her new husband who became my dad years later.   His son had just moved in with us or was visiting, but I clearly remember being in the downstairs bathroom and singing "we are the trappers" as my brother walked by.

"It is 'We are the Champions, Brad" he said.   Stupidly, I argued.  I insisted.  I fought.  I failed.  I was wrong.  And he holds that over my head to this day and rightly so.  If I had a Trump Card that good to use on him to end every debate, I would use it in a heartbeat and laminate it so it never wore out.

Anyway, quotes are now an obsession and have been.  Breakfast Club and Heathers were movies I memorized start to finish.  I tried learning Monty Python movies, but they keep changing the scripts on me.   I swear I learn it down to the adverb, and then suddenly it is something different.   Screw you, Monty Python!

So I love quotes and use them all the time.   Even my cancer support group has noticed and called me out for always sourcing things I say, but it all goes back to that being called out.   I realized everything I could say has already been said and probably far better than I could say it; certainly said with more authority than I could give it.  I mean, what weighs more: Kanrei said or Ghandi said?  If you said Kanrei, thank you.

So I find myself when I write or blog looking up quote sites, typing in what I want to say, and finding someone who said it better and learn their quote.  And as annoying as it is when talking to me, I must always source my quote out of fear of reliving an embarrassing moment.

Sorry.   As Steve Martin said in "Grand Canyon": That's part of your problem: you haven't seen enough movies. All of life's riddles are answered in the movies.