Friday, February 27, 2009

And Still More

“Your Honor,” Stanley prepared to make another ridiculous statement in a long career of ridiculous statements, “it's very easy to view my client as the psychopathic killer the prosecution is so eager to portray him as, but I ask you to look at his supposed 'crimes' and ask yourself if a 'psychopathic killer' would really be capable of the things my client is accused of.
“Do you have any idea how difficult it is to kill someone using only an eggbeater, a spatula, and a misshapen large novelty paper clip? And not just one person, but sixteen people no less! Sixteen healthy teens, two dogs, and a pet gopher: all with an eggbeater, a spatula, and a misshapen large novelty paper clip? Does this really sound like the work of a 'psychopathic killer?' Could a 'psychopathic killer', a man so insane that he is compelled to kill; would such a man show such creativity I ask you? No, not a psychopath, but an artist, your artist would.
“Yes your honor, this man, my client, the accused, is an artist. Sure, his medium is slightly unconventional and his presentation extreme, but he is an artist none the less and to find him guilty is to infringe on his first amendment rights to free expression, speech, and religion. Yes, religion! It may not be one you practice, or one I practice, or one anyone on Earth other than this man practices or has even heard of, but he practices it and you cannot infringe on that right either, or did we move this trial from America?
“The defense rests.”

Stanley took his seat next to his psychopathic misunderstood artist of the week. He had used this defense once before on an incredibly stupid jury in Jersey and it actually worked, but this Judge looked as if she were paying attention. That, and female judges are always harder on the serial killers with teenage victims for some reason.

Stanley glanced at his client and noticed for the first time a rather disturbing ear to ear grin the man kept on his face. He wasn't' sure if it was always there or if he was just happy with the defense, but either way he wished the guy would cut it out. It was one of the creepiest things Stanley had ever seen. It was creepy to the point of him not really needing the mask he wore to kill at all.

Stanley leaned in and whispered in his clients ear, “why did you wear that George Bush mask anyway?”

“ I was making a statement.”

“What was the statement?”

“It was open to interpretation.”

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

More of Yesterday's Idea

Stanley Schwartzenburg is the defense attorney to the horror movie slashers. A body count of at least 15 is required in addition to the fact that a unique mask must be worn at the time of the killings and a different method of killing must be used for each victim. Stanley Schwartzenburg will represent slashers, spree killers, mass murderers, homicidal maniacs, and vengeful retarded or inbred man-children, but will not represent serial killers. It is not for any real reason other than Stanley Schwartzenburg felt he must draw a line somewhere and most serial killers, in reality, are rather boring and obsessive people.

Stanley Schwartzenburg doesn't charge his clients, but he does retain movie rights; that's where the money is. It also explains his real motives behind the "no serial killers" stance. Serial killers rarely wear unique masks and, without the mask, you can only really get one, maybe two movies out of a subject, but with a mask and a little marketing, a good killer can get four or five movies based on his work. The real honor in the business is to get Jason or Freddie sequel numbers, but you kind of have to die and come back from the dead for those deals and Stanley Schwartzenburg is scared of zombies. No serial killers and no zombies!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Stanley Schwartzenburg, Attorney to the Slashers


To read the full list of atrocities would almost be an atrocity on its own; a fact he took pride in. It was the culmination of the last few years' work and the looks on the juror's faces as the details of that life and that work were revealed made it all momentarily worth it. It isn't easy to do something like that and honestly shock people anymore. Hollywood has become so fierce competition to the honest to G-d monsters out there like him that they really have to do their homework and come up with something unique and original: something to scare the kids around a campfire over the summer. In the old days, a butcher's knife and Shatner mask was enough to make your average teen piss her pants and cling to her man for safety, but not anymore.

“...And that is the aspect no one really understood,” his lawyer lamented to the jury, “that his poor man was aiding in the sexual exploits of hundreds of hormonal teenagers everywhere. He wasn't killing for himself: no! He was killing to scare those girls right into the arms and therefore the beds of teenage boys...”

The lawyer was interrupted as his client whispered in his ear. Then he continued, “...or other teenage girls as the case maybe."

A lawyer for horror movie quality serial killers such as the above. What do you think?

Friday, February 20, 2009


Welcome to another Friday here at the Lemming House. Sadly, your host is fighting off a bug this week, winning for the record, but the bug is hard up to admit defeat. I have a splitting headache today and really cannot come up with a post for the day. Have a great weekend!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Friday the 13th Was Great!

It was not a smart movie, but only dolts go to a Friday the 13th movie looking for deep characters and plot. The movie is about what they have always been about: teens go into the woods to smoke pot and have sex and instead find Jason, the ultimate mother's boy this side of Norman Bates. You go to laugh at the stupidity of the victims and to gaze in awe at the originality of the kills.

A Friday the 13th movie is basically just one set piece to the next and, if you like one, you will like them all. This one takes you back to the first three movies, when Jason was a retarded half-drowned hillbilly instead of the super-human zombie most people know and love. This Jason runs, feels pain, reacts, and shows emotion...yes, homicidal rage is an emotion.

There is an attempt by the new writers and director to add a new twist to the story involving brother searching for his lost sister who is being held by Jason because she looks like mommy, but that is really a minor point and thankfully does not come up very often until the ponderous and never-ending end. This movie should have ended 10 minutes sooner, but then we would have missed out on the :SPOILER WARNING: final jump scare that ends every Friday the 13th movie.

It has been a long time since I have seen a Friday the 13th that is worthy of the title, and as much as I hate remakes and reboots, this was one of the rare few that was great for both new fans and long time fans. We even get a "death by sleeping bag" which any fan can tell you is among the all time classic Jason kills.

Leave your brain at the door and go have a great time which is not only what Friday the 13th is really about, but is exactly what we need in this day and age.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Can't See the Friday for the Woods

Another week come to an end and so quickly too! I have been waiting for today for months and I cannot believe it is here already: I am almost not fully psyched yet it came so fast. Yes, today is not only Friday, and not only Friday the 13th, but is the fourth Friday the 13th in my life that I am going to see a new Friday the 13th movie in the theaters! This is not so much of a day as it is an event in my reality! Jason returns, I am 37, and I am going to see a new Friday the 13th movie tonight in a theater filled hopefully with a large crowd of very vocal and easily frightened young people. I can’t wait for that first cat to run across the screen to create that fake scare and hear the teenage girls all scream in unison. I am counting on at least one “he’s behind you” as well. Yes, I love vocal theater crowds; reminds me I am seeing the movie in a theater.

Happy weekend and a “ch-ch-ch-ha-ha-ha” to you all!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Black Saturday

Where is Kanrei? Simple really- it is Valentine's Day this week so Kanrei is hiding under a rock per his usual VD routine, and is yelling “Bah Humbug!” to every gooey-eyed couple he sees. We do what we can when we can after all. See you guys this Friday for Jason's day.