Wednesday, July 23, 2008

I Picked my Post!

What is worse: being caught picking your nose or having someone think they caught you picking your nose? For me I would guess having someone think they caught me. I have never been one to take issue when caught doing something wrong. Who am I to deprive you of the joy I get when I catch someone in the act of embarrassing themselves? Sure, I could be like everyone else and live by the double standard of “it ain’t funny if I am the punchline” and many will say I already do live that way (mom), but I cannot always be that selfish. The fear of being busted is the only excitement picking your nose has left. It stopped being a source for snacks after I turned 7.

Today, I find myself scratching the outside of my nose more and more often. I probably appear like someone with a really bad coke habit by the amount my nostrils itch, but I assure you they just itch; especially when driving. Besides, I live in Miami and everyone is scratching their noses…usually due to a really bad coke habit.

I am not sure what it is about the car that makes my nose itch so badly, but most nostril scratching is done while driving. Perhaps it is the combination of the vibration and those weird new hairs that seem to grow amazingly fast and long in my nose causing the itching. Either way, I am sure while I drive around numerous people glance over at me in disgust and wonder things like “how can a grown man be so involved in picking his nose” or “doesn’t he realize glass is transparent both ways and we can see his digging for gold very clearly?” The answer is “I am not picking it, just scratching the outside because it itches,” but who would believe that?

The most common answer given by people who are caught picking their nose is that they were not picking, but scratching. Kind of like when I was 13, I was not playing with myself, just adjusting…for a long, long time. While it is probably true that more times than not the person really is just scratching an itch, but try to convince anyone they did not see what they thought they saw when what they thought they saw was really gross, embarrassing, and funny and did not involve themselves for the joke.

Do I still pick my nose at 37? Sometimes yes, I have been known to “clean house” as Seinfeld put it once in an episode, and I am willing to bet more people do it than will ever admit to doing it. How do you dispose of your winnings if you do? I tend to use tissue, paper towels, or the back of a near-by friend’s shirt. Sometimes, when at a friend’s house, their furniture will do in a pinch…or a pet if they have an especially furry one.

So, did you make it through this entire post without touching your nose once? Yeah, right. You were picking and you know it! =P

Monday, July 21, 2008

A Post Too Far?

The following is in horribly bad taste and I readily admit it, but this is how my mind works and sometimes it is a dark place. I apologize in advance.

Dateline: Hollywood. After years of seeing declining ticket sales at the box office, movie executive today feel they have finally found the missing ingredient to get movie goers in theater seats: tragic death! Yes! You read that correctly; tragic death.

This weekend, the latest Batman movie, the Dark Knight, broke every record put before it. It pounced on the one day gross record, destroyed the weekend gross record, and even garnered total critical approval: a feat Hollywood has not achieved in quite some time. The reason? Star Heath Leger’s tragic and untimely death. Untimely? It was perfectly timed for the suits in Hollywood based on the ticket sales this weekend. They are even talking Oscar.

This obvious case of “cause and effect” has given those in their high Hollywood towers a brilliant idea to help with sales. Hidden within every contract signed in Hollywood starting today there will be a “Death Clause” which states that the signer agrees to terminate their life if it is viewed to be in the best commercial interest of the project. Of course, this clause will be printed in white ink on white paper. Most people would not willingly sign their lives away in the name of art, but then again… Besides, no one talks ill of the dead which guarantees the movie stellar reviews on top of massive box office sales.

Tom Cruise should really consider this given his recent track record. He used to be a star with massive appeal: Mel Gibson should as well. I really do believe people would flock to see their last movies, at least more people than have gone to see their more recent ones.


Friday, July 18, 2008

Another "TGIF" Moment in Lemming History

I do believe that today is only my second time ever thanking G-d that it is finally Friday. Fridays and me have a long history of hating one another and Friday usually wins out, but today I am welcoming my old enemy with open arms. I am even upset it took my foe so long to arrive. You see, I am getting sick and, with my parents out of town, have not had the luxury of being able to call in sick.

I am basically, for all intent and purpose, the final word in making decisions during their absence since this time around they are in the Baltic sea and fairly unreachable. Normally they are just in North Carolina, only a phone call away, and therefore the company does not rely on me as much. This month however, I have been here and active in the day to day aspects of the business.

Well, off to do more work. Lunch is over and I have to go buy doorbells for the lab and have them working by tonight. Don't get too impressed though: they will be wireless doorbells I buy at Radioshack or something and should take a total of 10 minutes to install. I am handy, but lazy. The two usually work very well together in my case.

Have a great weekend to you all!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

I Have Been MIA This Week

I realize I am slacking (again) this week, but this is my "Geek Week" and I am in full geek mode. You see, the E3 conference is this week in LA, and, even though I am far from LA, I am watching it daily when I get home from work and reading about the latest news whenever I am online, so blogging has taken a back seat this week. Fear not however, because today is the last day of E3 and I shall be returning to my other geek activities with plenty of time to prepare for the "It's Friday" coming tomorrow.

What is E3? E3 is a video game convention where all the biggies in the industry announce their latest hardware, preview new games about to be released, and basically reveal their plans for global domination. As a very loyal Playstation fan boy, I was very eager to learn of the wondrous things they had in mind to further keep a real life far from yours truly. Oh my...what a year I have coming. Sorry mom, but probably no grandkids from me again next year if E3 has any say in it.

Until tomorrow, happy gaming! Mario and Sonic say "hi!"

Monday, July 14, 2008


I found Hell. Bet you didn’t even know I was looking for it because I sure as, well, Hell didn’t know I was, but I found it. Hell is located on Sirius Satellite channel 3. Yes, Hell is a radio station. What would make Sirius 3 Hell you ask? Simple really: it was a Neil Diamond station playing 24 hours a day of nothing but Neil “Turn on Your Heart Light” Diamond.

“But Kanrei,” I can hear you saying, “you said it ‘was’ a Neil Diamond station. Surely that must mean that it is no longer one since any station that is no longer exclusively Neil cannot be Hell; what is more Hellish than 24 hours of straight Neil ‘Turn on Your Heart Light’ Diamond.”

Well my dear inquisitive reader, I can tell you exactly what is more Hellish than 24 hours of straight Neil ‘Turn on Your Heart Light’ Diamond: the new Sirius 3 and it’s 24 hours a day of ABBA and nothing but ABBA!!! The anti-Christ has arrived and is a programming director.

Does it affect me really? No. I never listen to that station, but I needed something to post about today.

Friday, July 11, 2008

It's Friday (Two Years Ago)

Today is the two year anniversary of my blogging career. This is not a moment to congratulate me for anything, but rather to thank you. Without your coming here, I would have probably quit long ago, but your comments and inspiration has kept this Lemming House open through the droughts and famines of creativity. I want to thank you for keeping me going. I count you all among my friends.

In honor of today's being not only the anniversary of this site, but also a Friday, let's take a trip down memory lane to the very first "It's Friday" and see a tradition start.

Tradition is tradition and Friday is not a day for heavy political thought. It is a day to prepare for all the braincells that are scheduled to die in a few hours. Today's news is trying very hard to be noticed, like some pathetic child not getting his way. No matter what you do to try and move past it, WAR WAR WAR is everywhere. If you are not looking for it, don't worry because it is looking for you. It has become the global pastime. A sporting event where we all have our favorite teams, we hope the other side is not just beaten, but humiliated, and we prefer to watch it on TV over the hassle of going to the event. More over, tons of writers and commentators are making huge dollars off of this event because we are all glued to our TV's and radios. We see the event happen, but we do not trust our own minds and eyes to interpret what we saw. We need people to tell us what to think about it instead.
Less news, more commentary.
I understand the postgame coverage will be hell.

I was kind of bitter back then, huh? I mean, I agree with it all, but damn was I in your face on a supposed "non-political" post. Glad I started tempering that with humor and sarcasim, huh?

Happy weekend to you all! Here's to another two years of joy!

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Movie Plot Idea: Volume One

This is not so much of a post as it is a note to myself to remember this plot I just thought of. You see, I want to make a Hogan’s Heroes movie. The show, a personal favorite, never got to have a finale; it just stopped. This makes the ending a story still waiting to be told. Here is what I have in mind.

As we all know, Hogan’s Heroes was about a group of POWs in Germany during WW2 who were working with the resistance from within the Stalag they in which they were being held. The show ran for almost five years (the length of WW2) and therefore the movie should take place as the war in Germany is coming to a close. Hogan and his men must escape from Germany, but they receive news that Klink, the German commander of the camp, is due to be arrested in blame for the acts of sabotage Hogan and his men have been committing in the area for years. The Gestapo believes either Klink was involved or was too stupid to stop it: either way he is to blame for their losing the war. Considering the bond that Klink and Hogan have forged over the years despite being enemies, Hogan must figure out a way to get Klink to Switzerland before he is arrested by the Gestapo and before the Allies free the camp and arrest Klink themselves.

Let me know what you think please.

Monday, July 07, 2008

It's, Monday?

I have to admit that the Monday after a long holiday weekend is such a horrid experience that I am almost willing to give up the extra day off….almost. I think today has been made even more horrid by the fact that I took a nap on Saturday, which made Saturday feel like two days and therefore creating a four day weekend sleepwise and making today an even harder Monday. Case in point: the previous sentence made sense in my head before it made it to the paper. Further case in point: the sentence I thought made no sense appears to make perfect sense upon re-re-reading it; today is Monday for certain.

Sorry for the lack of a Friday update this week. I was working on a bit, skit, parody, whatever you wish to call it on the subject of July 4th being a celebration of the world’s most famous “Dear John” letter, but found myself still working on it Saturday morning. Since Saturday was July 5th, it meant that I missed both the “its Friday” and the “July 4th” post: double failure! I think that would make it more than just a “swing and a miss,” but rather as sleeping through my turn at bat. Sorry, but summer is the season for baseball metaphors. By the way, a metaphorse is when a horse is used to symbolize something else. Just a little F.Y.I. for your Monday morning blues.

Back to work.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Kanrei's Honest to G-d, No Bullsh*t Unsolved Mysteries

In what can only be described as the “strangest case of a mass suicide in Earth's history,” twenty-four American bees killed themselves Monday by taking up residency in the home of yours truly, AKA the Physical Home for Wayward Lemmings, here in the warmth of south Florida.

No explanation can be found for this pointless act of self-termination, which therefore, by default, links the deaths of these twenty-four bees with the mass disappearances of Honey Bees nationwide. The only real difference between the cases being that I can tell you exactly where the bodies of the twenty-four wayward lemming bees can be found: the Miami-Dade sewer system. I flushed their corpses to get rid of the evidence. I fear bees and therefore do not need any of their kin coming in vendetta or something.

To this date, the case remains a mystery and will very likely always be so. There are no access points that can be found to allow the bees entry to the Physical Home for Wayward Lemmings, nor can any reasonable explanation be found as to why these twenty-four bees calmly allowed yours truly to kill them one by one with a rolled up newspaper without so much as a fly-by in self defense.

Had these bees even hinted that they may have defended themselves and the chickenshit you call “Kanrei” would have happily signed my home over to them for a new hive. No, this can only be called “the strangest case of mass suicide in the Earth's history.”

I am Kanrei and this has been "Kanrei's Honest to G-d, No Bullshit Unsolved Mysteries."