Friday, December 28, 2007

The Last Friday of @))&

Today is Friday and, in honor of it being the last Friday of @))& (or 2007 for those not Shift key literate.) I am going to request your New Year’s Resolutions to be placed here. Don’t worry, no one reads this blog so no one other than me will know if you lived up to it or not and no one listens to me anyway so your secret will be safe. I am just curious what types of resolutions are going to be broken next year.

My resolution is the following: to try my best to do everything exactly the same again this year. Now before you accuse me of having a cop out resolution you should remember some of my feats of this past year.

1. I quit smoking
2. I re-enrolled in school
3. I did not bounce as many checks this year as last
4. I kept blogging during those four months of total depression when I wanted to quit and am so happy I kept at it.
5. I am happy
6. I am alive
7. I am employed with a great job for great pay
8. I am loved by my family and friends

I would call that a very successful year overall and I would be stupid to try anything that would alter this path IMHO. I instead should do all I can to stay on this path and keep moving forward so that is my resolution. What’s yours?

On a side note, I have a question for everyone: what failed so horribly in my last post? Was it the dialogue? Was it the subject? Was it just stupid? Where did I lose you? How far did you get before you stopped reading? I really want to know because I always learn more from failure than success and that last post was a total and complete failure.

Friday, December 21, 2007


So yesterday VE and I both posted our “take” on the newest expectant member of the Spears clan and Serena asks a question that is the start to a dialogue I have been toying with. I believe this to be a sign that it is time to post the conversation and get some feed back on it.

Oh, it's Friday if you lost your calender.

“Do you dream in color?”

“Yes, but in black and white.”

“What do you mean? How can you dream of color if you dream in black and white?”

“I dream of the concept of color, not the application. “

“Of course.”

“Color, to me at least, adds emotion to objects usually devoid of sentimental attachment. The “little red wagon” of your childhood would not be so memorable if it were, say, black. Even saying “little black wagon” has a morbid feel to it; like a funeral procession for Barbie or something. It doesn't even flow; not in the mind or off the lips. I can dream of that little red wagon and still have my dream be free of color.”

“I see. Like food without taste maybe?”

“Not at all. There are many foods with either no taste or an unfavorable one that we still eat. If you don't believe me, think of the condiment industry and the money Heinz makes. How about gravy? Sauces? No, it is nothing like food with no taste. Nothing at all.”

“What then? How can you help me imagine the concept of color without the actual application of it?”

“A blind man can never know what “blue” is, right?”


“So therefore, while they can touch a vase and learn the shape and feel of one, they can never know the emotional response a blue vase would have over, say, a red one. They are losing a certain aspect of the experience. That is “black and white in a color world” if you will. What I am talking about is the exact opposite experience. Having the emotional response without ever really knowing the shape or feel of it. That is what I dream of at night.”

“No objects? NO people? No real things in your dreams? “

“No, just pure emotion. Flashes of color sometimes, maybe, but in shapeless abstraction and with a blinding white orb in the center. I think I am supposed to get to the other side of the orb one day, but I can't seem to figure out how. I suppose I will when its time. “

“Do you believe there is some meaning behind this orb or is this just some “Arthur C. Clarke type” anomaly?”

“You mean like in a “2001” sense”?”

“Yea, like in a “2001” sense. Could your “pure emotion” just be a dream of deep space? Could your orb be a planet? I'm starting to doubt you on your dream. At best this could be an out of body experience, but this “dreaming of color without color” nonsense is just telling me you really need to cut back on the pipe.”

“Dude, I am working on 100% pure unfiltered logic only right now my friend. I am a logic problem machine to the extreme in every way, shape, form, and way.”

“So you don't think there is even the slightest chance you are just being stoned and babbling again then?”

“No chance, its all there to see man. Right there in the open.”

“You really need to cut back.”

They had been going in circles like this for the last three hours, passing their blue glass bong the entire time. It was their microphone it seemed for they would only speak while holding it, then take a hit and pass it on for the response. They had forgotten the subject they were debating, and the one they were debating before that, and the subject before that. They only remembered that they did not agree and that was all they needed. A knock on the door was the only thing that could break the cycle and, luckily for the readers, one soon came.

“Was that you?” Oz asked. KB was right and he did smoke entirely too much.

“No, I think it was the door.” KB was not that much brighter than Oz however “Is the cat inside?”

“You think the cat's knocking on the door? And you want me to cut back?”

“No I don't think the cat's knocking on the door asshole. He could be inside and knocked something over.”

“In three rhythmic pounds?”

The knock on the door returned and this time it was “Shave and a Haircut.”

“Do cops knock in jovial rhythm?” Oz asked.

“What do you mean?” They were both huddled in a corner of the room and whispering to one another.

“Would you not consider 'Shave and a Haircut' jovial” Oz asked in a voice louder than a whisper, but not quite talking. “Do cops even knock?”

“Dude,” KB began realizing the security of their situation, “no, cops coming for us would not knock and there is even a lower chance of them knocking in a jovial fashion.”

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Oops, They Showed No Judgement Again

Britney Spears little sisters is preggers, but it gets better.

Britney Spears little sister is only 16, but it gets better.

Britney Spears little sister stars in a wholesome Nickelodeon show and is a role model to little girls between 9-14 everywhere, but it gets better.

Britney Spears little sister met her baby’s daddy at Church, but it gets better.

Britney Spears little sister’s baby’s daddy was supposedly 19 at the time, which could make this statutory rape, but it gets better.

Britney Spears little sister’s mother was in the process of releasing a book on how to raise children the Christian way, like she did.

Looking at Britney Spears and little sister I have to wonder how much of an expert mommy is on the subject of child raising. Child exploiting I am positive she is the Dali Lama of, but raising I honest can’t say. It does make me wonder how much of Britney's weirdness can really be blamed on the Brister and how much is a direct result of mommy dearest.

I forget the movie that said it, but the quote applies: you need a license to get married or to drive a car, but they let any asshole be a parent.

On a semi-related note, this is funny. Jessica Simpson worked (and failed) for years to get out from under the shadow of Britney. Now, Ashlee Simpson, Jessica's younger sister, who was releasing a major career re-start on December 19th is finding herself trapped under the shadow of Britney's little sister. December 19th is the day Britney's little sister announced. Isn't that ironic? Don't ya think?

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Dear Santa...

Serena, lemming superstar, posted this on her blog:If it's Tuesday, then it's time to Pimp Some Poetry and Vamp me some Verses. Today I'd like rhyming verses on "All I Want for Christmas Is..." I answered her request, but was unhappy with what I came up with at work... I mean at home after work. I always forget my boss reads this blog. Anyway, here is my real thing. I hope you like it.

Dear Mister Santa Claus,
I know this time of year is rough
But I have somethings to ask for
And I cannot emphasize enough
The importance of every detail
To my monumental Christmas Day request
And it's not to say I don't appreciate
Last year's olive and lavender silk vest
Its just that I know something,
Something that, if quite true
Could cause quite a bit of damage to the rep
Of a Saintly person-type person, like you
Now the details are kind of fuzzy
But this still is a laugh riot
Cause it seems that dear Saint Nick
You are a toy making pirate
The toys you make all year
In your sweatshop of a store
All have brand names you don't own
And I have plenty more
Those elves who you work,
Who slave day and night
Are really just “bad” kids
Or those who didn't sit on your lap just right
Oh the shame it would cause
If ever this got out
The children would cry
So the parents would pout
And all this distress
would add to the suicide rate
And the lawsuits would come in
Too fast to contemplate
So I think it would be best
If, between just you and me
I get what I asked for
And that's the last you'll hear from me

Monday, December 17, 2007

R.I.P. Dan Fogelberg

You were a living legacy to the leader of the band...

In Defense of Last Night's Rant

In support of yesterday’s controversial rant point of view comes an article in today’s New York Times about Mike Huckabee’s supporters. I could not come up with a better example of someone who should NOT vote.

“I have not been super-active in politics over the years, and so I am not current with all the issues and position papers…But with Mike Huckabee, I know he’s a Christian. So I know he sees the world the way I see it.”

I left the name of the person who said it out because it is not my place to call this person out, but the article can be found right here.

Here is another winner of a quote from another person:
“Beyond all that, a lot of people are tired of the fact that we can’t say Merry Christmas any more, and that ‘God’ is removed from every public place…Here’s a guy, Mike Huckabee, who comes along, and he’s not mad about anything, but he’s just saying, ‘Hey, let’s take another look at what’s happening here.’”

We are electing a political leader for this country, not a spiritual guide or moral compass. If you cannot be bothered to learn something about politics then your opinion about politics does not matter and should not count. Bush already served two terms because these people felt the same way about Bush that they feel about Huckabee and look at all the damage Bush has wrought.

Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Can I call these people insane yet?

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Voting Rant -OR- I Can't Think of a Decent Title

It is Sunday so it must be time for “Kanrei's Rant.” That weekly douche for the mind of our favorite tinfoil cap wearing Lemming. So, without further procrastination, here's Kanrei

(Insert theme music here)
Don't want to be an American idiot.
One nation controlled by the media.
Information age of hysteria.
It's calling out to idiot America.

Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alien nation.
Where everything isn't meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We're not the ones who're meant to follow.
For that's enough to argue.
Green Day's American Idiot

Today's rant is less of an actual rant and more of a plea; a plea for my country. You see, we are entering election season with the Iowa caucus happening any day now (I am too lazy to look up the date) and there are or will be commercials on television every few minutes reminding you to do your civic duty and vote. While true, it is only part of the entire “civic duty” requirement. The other part is research, homework, listening and analyzing, weighing consequences and values, and deciding something on your own for an entire nation.

Those commercials telling you to vote are wrong and I am here to beg you not to vote if any of the following are you:

I don't care who wins, they are all the same
I don't really know who is running.
I always vote “blank” (either Republican or Democrat regardless of who they run)
I don't know that much about the issues
Is there an election coming this year already
Which one will cut my taxes
I will vote for whom the L-rd tells me to vote for
I vote for the one I like as a person more
I vote for who my friends vote for

On bended knee I am begging you not to vote if any of these sound like something you would say. Elections are too important of a matter to be left to random chance and public relation firms. Honestly, if a commercial can sway your vote then please, for the love of G-d, don't vote.

OK.....while we usually disavow knowledge of Kanrei's rant, this time we must stress that these opinions are his and, quite often, his alone. They certainly do not in any way, shape, or form reflect the views of KHWL's staff, advertisers, listeners, or detractors. We must apologize for allowing him on the air without eating something first.

You are listening to KHWL and the time is forty-three minutes after the hour.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Friday on KHWL: Ho Ho Ho and Ha Ha Ha

Hello and welcome back. You are listening to KHWL on the Blogger dial and the current Lemming News Time is forty-nine minutes after the hour which means its time for “It’s Friday!” KHWL’s weekly round up of the week and celebration of the weekend to come. And now, here’s your host: Kanrei

(crickets chirping)

Hello and thank you. Please, sit down. A stand ovation is just too much, well, ok, just for a few more seconds. Thank you, thank you. No, you rock and I mean that sincerely. Yes, yes, thank you. I love you too.

So, here we are at Friday once again and now is that time where the fun really begins. You see, we are now a little over just one week away from Christmas and tis the season to stress and worry, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la. I am not sure what the “Tickle Me Elmo” of 2007 is, but I can guarantee that there are exactly fifteen thousand more parents shopping for it than there are “it” on the shelves. I think I may go to Toys R Us this weekend, not to buy anything, but to enjoy the carnage. Joy to the world and peace on Earth, but the toy isle at Target is every man for himself.

Now then, I know all my fellow Lemmings got their shopping done long ago and will not be suffering this weekend in the rush. This is why I can happily enjoy the chaos. It imagine it will be quite a bit like the day before a hurricane hits Miami: long lines of humorless people waiting to purchase what they can since what they came for sold out long ago. I usually go enjoy the chaos then as well since I know those secret stores that always have what I want. Kind of like with Christmas shopping: I never panic because I know those secret stores that always stocked with everything I want. Well, that and I don’t know many people so my gift list is really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really short.

Have a great weekend. I did have a political thing on my mind, but we can save that for another day. This is Friday after all.

KHWL Lemming News Time is one minute after the hour.


I feel I should apologize if I offended anyone's beliefs with yesterday's rant. I am afraid of heights and it should seem obvious that an acrophobic should avoid the proverbial high-horse, but I tend to see the tiny details and miss the big picture. I think the expression is something like “can't see the forest for the trees” or something like that. Either way, I am sorry if I offended anyone.

Why the need to apologize?

Well, there is one paragraph that bothered me before I posted yesterday's rant, but laziness forced me to keep it in. I was then going to take it out later in the day, but felt that would be censoring myself, so an update would be in order. I tried an update, but the warning before the post I knew would keep people from reading it and one after the fact would kind of defeat the purpose of a warning.

The following program contained graphic depictions of violence and intimate details of both hetero and homosexual activites. Children should have been cleared from the room; hopefully long before that scene with Santa and the Easter Bunny...

I am going to have to apologize for that “Santa and the Easter Bunny” crack tomorrow, aren't I? Anyway, I posted “Oh, and for the record, Jesus was killed by the Romans (the place the Catholic Church is based out of)” in a post that was celebrating the actions of a Muslim kid who rose to defend a Jewish couple being attacked in a subway. In my celebration, I took things a tad bit too far.

Kanrei, you are being silly here. There is no need to apologize for that.

Yes, there is actually. There is a slight “Catholic bash” in that sentence that I did not feel when I wrote it nor did I notice it; the paragraph was just not sitting right with my conscious when it bothered me. It wasn't until re-reading my post hours later that I noticed exactly what it was that was bothering me. It seems in my being so happy that one faith stood up for another faith that the cliché dictates must hate each other that I then infered the Catholics killed Jesus. You may not have seen that there, but I do and it bothers me greatly. I rant and rave against all these people who put their beliefs above other's in importance and here I am doing the exact same thing.

I am honestly sorry if I offended your faith, particularly at this time of year when we should be coming together.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

A Christmas Miracle

It is everywhere and it deserves to be everywhere so now it is here as well: Hassan Askari is a hero and an “Honorary Lemming.” Well, his being named “Honorary Lemming” is not everywhere (although it should be), but the fact that this man is a hero is everywhere. In a world (I am sounding like that “movie announcer guy”) where Muslim villains hating Jews for being Jewish is par for the course comes a story of a Muslim youth defending a group of Jews being attacked by Christians. We have officially jumped the shark folks.

Dear G-d,
Sorry to disturb you,
But I feel that I should be heard loud and clear.
We all need a big reduction in amount of tears,
And all the people that you made in your image,
See them fighting in the street,
cause they cant make opinions meet,
About G-d,
I cant believe in you.

XTC's Dear G-d

The “War on Christmas” has finally been exposed for what it is: a War BY Christmas. I have spoken here about how “Merry Christmas” is the new “Fuck You” and a story in the New York Post shows this tragically clearly.

It all began when Adler, his girlfriend, Maria Parsheva, and two other pals boarded the subway at Canal Street bound for Brooklyn and someone in another group wished them "Merry Christmas."
Adler and his pal Angelica Krischanovich responded: "Happy Hanukkah."
Apparently, those were fighting words.
"They just came at us so fast. The first thing that came into my mind was, 'Yeah, this is going to be violent,' " said Parsheva, 20.
One of the group immediately hiked up his sleeve to reveal a tattoo of Christ.
"He said, 'Happy Hanukkah, that's when the Jews killed Jesus,' " said Adler.
The group of about 14 men and women then allegedly began taunting Adler and his pals as "dirty Jews" and "Jew bitches."
Amid a huge scrum, Askari jumped in.
"I'm bleeding all over the place, there's lots of people, they're fighting with Hassan still, and I'm like, why isn't anyone else doing anything?" Adler said.
He pulled the emergency brake right before entering the DeKalb Avenue station.
Police came aboard and arrested 10 people, charging six with assault and four with unlawful assembly.

This is so clearly a symptom of all this weight placed not upon whether our faith is right for us, but whether or not another shares our faith. Jesus, who celebrated Hanukah by the way and died Jewish, came to Earth, according to Christians, to spread love. Love is never located in your fists.

Now you re punching
And you re kicking
And you re shouting at me
And I'm relying on your common decency
So far it hasn't surfaced
But I'm sure it exists
It just takes a while to travel
From your head to your fist (head to your fists)
-Depeche Mode's People are People

Oh, and for the record, Jesus was killed by the Romans (the place the Catholic Church is based out of) not the Jews and it was on Passover, not Hanukkah. I don’t mind intelligent hate, but this ignorant hate is just too much to handle. I can discuss differences with the intelligent. I can only run so fast from the stupid.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas;
Soon the bells will start,
And the thing that will make them ring is the carol that you sing
Right within your heart.

Johnny Mathis' It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

Thanks again to Hassan Askari who rose above those petty differences of faith and showed that when push comes to shove, the basics are all the same: love your brother.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Bonus Hump-Day Rant

It is perfectly safe to throw stones once your glass house is shattered and good old Mike Huckabee is happily tossing boulders from his shell of an abode. His release of a rapist as Governor of Arkansas and his 1992 desire to segregate people with AIDS are damaging enough to his campaign, but now stating that Mormons believe Jesus and the Devil are brothers is just wonderful. Obviously, a world where Muslims and Jews and Christians constantly try to off each other is not enough for this “preacher”. No, he wants to return to the good old days of Catholic vs. Protestant and Christian against Mormon. Infighting is the way of the future and the future is now!

No longer is simply accepting Christ as your personal savior enough to get you into the Promised Land. Sorry to all my fellow Jews out there seeking to be perfected. You see, you need to also decide what flavor of savior is the right one. Jesus Christ is the product, much like a television or a radio, but pick the wrong brand and you are screwed. Sorry Sony, the correct answer was Magnavox. The warranty you bought for this Jesus only gets you out of Hell. To actually enter the Kingdom of G-d, you need to buy this Jesus. Order now and we will include a Saint and two Angels at no extra cost.

Maybe it is just that Rudy and Mitt got so much attention for their lover’s spat that Mike just wants in. Maybe Preacher Mike is getting confused thinking a Chuck Norris endorsement makes him tough through osmosis. I am not sure, but I do know to judge a man not by his words, but by his actions. Preacher Huckabee so far does not seem like a man of G-d to me, or, at the very least, not like a man of a G-d worthy of being worshipped. He must have read his bible sometime in becoming a preacher, so I wonder how he missed “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Quick Humor Moment and 100% True Story

The scene: a hallway in my office
The characters: myself and a female co-worker

Female: Brad, I need to know where to find…what’s it called?

Brad: I don’t know

Female: It’s that thing you put more things on…

Brad: Ok…

Female: Do you know where to find a….you put songs and stuff on it…

Brad: A MP3 player?

Female: No, it’s for your computer. Do you know where to find a… fuck?

Brad: If I knew where to find a fuck, I would be much happier person.

The words she was struggling for were “external hard drive.”

The moral of the story: I have a very quick and fairly dirty mind most days so be careful what exactly you ask me.

PS- You may have noticed nothing here about the Colorado Church shootings yet. There is a simple reason for this- I cannot find the names of the victims anywhere. I can find the name of the shooter in about 1,000 different places, but not one name of those who matter; the dead. Policy here at the Lemming House is to never print the name of a murdering fame seeking prick who should have used the first bullet on himself. My prayers to everyone who suffered a loss by this asshole. A place of worship is supposed to be a refuge from the threats of daily life.

Monday, December 10, 2007

I Was Right? Is the World Ending or Something?

Vindication baby! I talk out of my ass so often that I do sometimes wonder if I am contributing to global warming, but today two of my thoughts have been vindicated and I am ecstatic! One through a photo and the other through a single person in Australia, but it’s a start and I will gladly take it.

First, in some weird cosmic synchronicity, this photo appeared in the New York Times showing a large group of people who have lost their jobs due to a prolonged and increasingly petty writer’s strike. It was just last night (I had no idea this photo existed) that I dedicated my “Kanrei’s Sunday Rant” to this very subject and POW, today I get an image to go with my words.

Secondly, I have been constantly fighting with everyone and usually their mothers that the leading cause of carbon emissions are humans. I have said that two people having one child is negative population growth, two people with two children is no growth and two people with three or more is positive population growth. People breathe out CO2, the leading cause of global warming so naturally more people would mean an increase in these gases. Add to it that trees are removed to make room for these new people and trees are one of the few things that filters CO2 from the air if I remember 8th grade correctly and you have a problem; simple logic, right? Today Associate Professor Barry Walters wrote in the Medical Journal of Australia that people with more than two children should be taxed more, not credited to help reduce global warming.

"Every newborn baby in Australia represents a potent source of greenhouse gas emissions for an average of 80 years, not simply by breathing but by the profligate consumption of resources typical of our society."

"Far from showering financial booty on new mothers and rewarding greenhouse-unfriendly behaviour, a 'baby levy' in the form of a carbon tax should apply, in line with the 'polluter pays' principle."

According to Professor Walters, the average Australian contributes 17 metric tons of CO2 yearly. Now multiply that by about 7 billion and the answer should be clear. Anyone serious about global warming, in my opinion, should have less children and support sex education and birth control as well as all the anti-corporation actions Mr Gore and the others desire of you. The solution honestly will lie somewhere in the middle, as it always does.

Now, if I were you, I would wrap up any business you may have because a comet or something is going to destroy us all. Maybe GWB will push the button; I can't say, but when the world is agreeing with yours truly, I would fear for my life.

(Title on Strike)

Update/ Correction-An important correction to Kanrei's original entry is that gaffers, make-up artists, costumers, cameramen etc DO have their own unions - posted by NYC PA Thanks for the correction.

Hello and welcome back to KHWL on the Blogger dial. My name is Kanrei and I am forced to introduce myself today because Ed, the announcer guy has gone on a sympathy strike in support of the Lemmings who still have yet to go over the cliff. I wish I could tell you exactly how long the strike has gone on, but my fact checker has gone on strike in support of my announcer guy. I also will not be taking any calls for a little while because my call screener has gone on strike to support his sisters in the fact checking department, but that one really doesn't hurt all that much considering my caller has gone on strike to show unity with the call screener who is striking to support the fact checking sisterhood (just trying to get laid if you ask me, but you didn't hear that here) who are striking to support the announcer guy who will not introduce me until the Lemmings go over the cliff. And why are the Lemmings striking anyway? I can't tell you that... their reason, it seems, has gone on strike.

Now, on with today's rant.

(Theme music on strike so please hum something catchy here)

Ironically, today's rant has to do with the current writer's strike and why I have slowly begun to switch sides in the fight. I am going to apologize in advance for any offense I may create by defending my newly growing position, but I really am starting not to support the studios per say, but I am having a very hard time supporting the writers.

It is ironic to me that “liberal guilt” is what is driving me to not support the strike, but that seems to be the primary thorn sticking in my paw when I tried to march for the writer's. You see, their quest for a percent or two is literally destroying numerous families at this time of year and, because these people have no union, their stories are going untold.

A show or movie take a tad bit more than a writer, a producer, actors, and a studio to create; read a credit roll some time instead of rushing out to your car sometime and you will see how many people it takes. And these people, these hundreds of low wage earners are now unemployed, or, more correctly, fired for the holiday season. The writer's will not work and the studios cannot afford to pay the masses for nothing.

Looking at it from a more distant view point, what about all those businesses in Los Angeles that these gaffers, make-up artists, assistants, set designers, and such frequent? I am sure these people are eating out quite a bit less considering the strike is now looking endless which means their employment hopes in their chosen field are rather slim right now.

Now for the possible offensive part. I really do not mean to belittle the writers considering I do consider myself one. OK...

While film writers do have a point when it comes to getting a cut from the profits of their work, it is a different story with the “studio pool” writers in my humble opinion. They are hired by the studio to write. What they write is sometimes their choice, but sometimes not. They are performing the task to which they were hired. They were paid for performing said task. Anything more is up to the discretion of their employers. For example:

I wrote the company news letter for where I work. I designed it, did all the research for it, wrote the stories, and published it. That was my job and I was paid to do it, but, when push comes to shove, my boss owns all that I produced. I can include it in a portfolio of my work, but, if he were to sell those articles to some other company, I am not entitled to one cent of it. I would hope I would see something for it and would be hurt if I didn't, but I really am not “entitled” to any of it.

I would really like to hear your perspectives on this. We are all either writers in reality or fantasy and this is an issue that will play into all of our futures if all goes well.

You are listening to KHWL and I can't tell you what time it is right now because my clock has just gone on strike in support of the callers who are showing unity with the call screener who is trying to get laid by the striking fact checker who is supporting my announcer guy who just wants the Lemmings to go over the cliff already.

Whew, that is getting hard to say. Of course, if my readers are on strike then I just babbled to myself. Does that mean I am going insane? Who am I asking?

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Prayers to Omaha

An unimportant, worthless asshole went on a shooting rampage in an Omaha, Nebraska mall Wednesday and killed nine people, including himself. His suicide note declared his desire for fame as a reason for this stupid and selfish act. As usual, his name will never ever appear on this blog, but the names of those unlucky enough to have encountered this pathetic waste of sperm shall be immortalized here as they should be everywhere this story is reported on. Screw the guy who did it. Forget him and remember those we lost; especially at this time of year.

Gary Scharf, 48, a customer and resident of Lincoln
John McDonald, 65, a customer and resident of Council Bluffs, Iowa
Angie Schuster, 36, an employee
Maggie Webb, 24, an employee
Janet Jorgenson, 66, an employee
Diane Trent, 53, an employee
Gary Joy, 56, an employee
Beverly Flynn, 47, an employee

The names are from KETV Omaha's website. Please visit the site to learn a little about them.

Rest in Peace and my prayers to your families.

It's (Not) Friday Still

Guess what- it’s not Wednesday either. That last one I myself just found out, a full two hours into my work day. How exactly did I do those first two hours thinking it was yesterday anyway? One would think I would notice the date on that calendar I use as a vital part of my daily chores. You know, like finding out how many patients there are tonight and how many techs will be needed. Somehow I seemed to have gotten it all done correctly while still ignoring that “Thursday, December 6” at the top of my page.

“So, if today is in fact Thursday, why the hell are you doing your Friday post today?”

Tomorrow is our Christmas party and I will be otherwise occupied during that window of opportunity that allows me to do “It’s Friday.” I suppose I could blog from the party, but I have no laptop and borrowing my mother’s blackberry, while an option, is just not that Smurfy of a way to blog. Thumb-cramps and all ya know…

So, what is on my mind today? Nothing actually. Nada. The big zero. There may be a tumbleweed rolling around somewhere in my mind, but that is about it. I cannot even think of any clever way to work Kiefer Sutherland, star of 24, getting 48 days in jail for DUI. I know there is a joke there and I am positive VE has already thought of it and worked into one of his brilliant song parodies, but I’ll be damned if I can see it just yet. It’s probably just too early for me to be blogging. My mind is still asleep I think. The joke will come to me at a moment when there is no computer anywhere near me. It always works out that way.

Happy Weekend everyone!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Additional to Last Post

I wanted to include this, but I could not remember the name of the song I took the title of my post from until now. Consider this your basic "same shit, different day" kind of post.

I dedicate this to the President and his impressive ability to look a fact in the eye and make the fact blink.

Cross-eyed and Painless
By the Talking Heads
Lost my shape-Trying to act casual!
Can't stop-I might end up in the hospital
I'm changing my shape-I feel like an accident
They're back!-To explain their experience

Isn't it weird/Looks too obscure to me
Wasting away/And that was their policy

I'm ready to leave-I push the fact in front of me
Facts lost-Facts are never what they seem to be
Nothing there!-No information left of any kind
Lifting my head-Looking for danger signs

There was a line/There was a formula
Sharp as a knife/Facts cut a hole in us
There was a line/There was a formula
Sharp as a knife/Facts cut a hole in us

I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...
I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...
I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...
The feeling returns/Whenever we close out eyes
Lifting my head/looking around inside

The island of doubt-It's like the taste of medicine
Working by hindsight-Got the message from the oxygen
Making a list-Find the cost of opportunity
Doing it right-Facts are useless in emergencies

The feeling returns/Whenever we close out eyes
Lifting my head/Looking around inside.

Facts are simple and facts are straight
Facts are lazy and facts are late
Facts all come with points of view
Facts don't do what I want them to
Facts just twist the truth around
Facts are living turned inside out
Facts are getting the best of them
Facts are nothing on the face of things
Facts don't stain the furniture
Facts go out and slam the door
Facts are written all over your face
Facts continue to change their shape

I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...
I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...
I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...

Good Ole' Talking Heads really knew how to sum things up abstractly, huh?

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Facts Are Simple and Easy to Abuse

We went to war in Iraq because of their WMDs. After the overthrow of Saddam and no WMDs were found, Bush said it did not matter.

Today, reports come out that Iran not only has no active nuclear program, but that they ended what program they did have years ago. Bush has stated Iran's nuclear program as a growing threat to the world as recently as today, in response to this very report.

"I have said Iran is dangerous, and the NIE doesn't do anything to change my opinion about the danger Iran poses to the world."

"I view this report as a warning signal that they had the program, they halted the program...The reason why it's a warning signal is they could restart it."

What can you do when your President thinks his beliefs are above the facts? Ya know, like Rove saying Congress rushed Bush to war. It would be funny if it weren't my reality they were screwing around with.

Remember, North Korea has been working on the "Nuke Question" since before the war in Iraq. So far, only one country in the Axis of Evil is living up to its name and we, so far, have ignored it. Isn't that ironic? Don't ya think?

P.S.-Bush picture found at I am not endorsing the website so much as I am worried about not properly crediting the artist for their work. We don't want or need an Cartoonist's Strike on our hands after all.

P.P.S.- Man, it feels good to use that "Political" tag again.


So this is what “Post Number Five Hundred” feels like. Not really much different than “Post Number Four Hundred Ninety-Nine” to be perfectly honest. I imagine the next couple of posts, perhaps even the next fifty or so, will feel pretty much the same.

I imagine I will stop keeping count for a time now that a landmark has been reached. Free from numbers, they will once again be simply posts and not steps towards a goal. They will return to a rambling flow from a subconscious grown bored by a stagnate reality and then one day, I will find myself looking back at “Post Number Five Hundred” with longing and nostalgia.

I will wonder what it must have felt like to achieve five hundred posts. I will tell myself that I hope I took time out to acknowledge such a milestone for a person who quits most everything he has ever tried that he did not get instant success. In fact, success is still that carrot dangling in front of this jackass behind the keyboard.

I guess five hundred posts is much like a birthday. You don't really feel it until a long time has passed and, once you realize its gone, you ache to feel what it was like just once. What is the old expression: youth is wasted on the young?

Thank you for inspiring me, prodding me, and believing in me for the last 500 posts and for the next 500 to come.

KHWL Lemming-time: fifteen minutes after the hour.

And now, for something completely different...

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Post 499 -OR- Tis The Season, Bah Humbug

KHWL is proud to present: Kanrei's Rant. A weekly feature where our very own lemming extraordinaire, Kanrei, will take requests throughout the week for subjects that bother you beyond words, and, on Sunday night, will create a complaining, bitching, ranting, raving, hollering, foaming work of art for your enjoyment. Hey, if a piece of tin welded to an umbrella next to a bucket of piss can be art, then so can these rants, regardless of their quality.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for Kanrei's Rant.

(insert theme music here)
Tis the season to fain neglect
Fa-la-la, la-la, la-la, la, la
My holiday doesn't get enough respect
Wah-wa-wa, wah-wa, wah-wah, wa, wa.
Sure there are others
But they don't matter
Cause mine is the one that I like best
So stop your whining
And join my party
Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha, Haaaaaaaaa!

Yes, that's right, it is my former favorite time of year once again. I loved “free stuff days” as my adolescent self would call them: the Hanukkah and Christmas season. Everyone always perked up around this time of year. Adults enjoyed a relatively lower work load while children dreamed year round of getting that great new bike and having two weeks free from school in which to enjoy it. Then it all changed...

Suddenly, without warning, a war was declared from out of nowhere. This was a war where the only people who seemed to be aware of it were those who felt themselves persecuted by it. There were no casualties as a result of this supposed war, but there have been many since the perceived persecuted have decided to fight back against all enemies; particularly those imagined. Now, because of this, “Merry Christmas” has become the seasonal way of saying “F*ck You” today instead of the warm greeting it once was.

In every parking lot in America today, I personally guarantee that there is, at any given time, at least one car boasting “The Reason for the Season.” Where we once looked at the many faiths as simply many paths to the same place, we now view even acknowledging another faith as a threat to our very own survival. There cannot be any other holiday during any given season- plain and simple. My faith is the right one and, therefore, any other holiday is an offense to my G-d because, in spite of being omniscient and omnipresent, He is very insecure and needs constant reassuring. I worship my G-d because He needs me; supernatural co-dependence compounded with father abandonment issues I would guess, but this way is easier. As long as I see some threat that I must fight against, I can ignore those pesky day-to-day details of my life that haunt my dreams at night.

Two simple questions:

1.If G-d is as powerful as you proclaim, then does He really need you to attack the other faiths? If they really bug Him that much then I am sure He could do something about it.

2.Is any G-d so insecure that He needs a steady stream of reassuring from His followers really worthy of unquestioning devotion?

Ramadan vs Christmas, Ramadan vs Hanukkah, Christmas vs Quanza, It is all pointless and destroys the one central theme to all the holidays of this season- peace on Earth and goodwill towards man.

What we need, and quickly, is the return of the classic Coke commercial from my childhood because “I would like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. I'd like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company."

Is it a coincidence that this ad faded away and the the world went insane?

The views expressed here are those of Kanrei and do not necessarily reflect those of the owners, staff, or advertisers of KHWL.

Be It Ever So Humble..

A lemming takes a vacation a tad bit differently than most people do. When a lemming decides to take a substantial time off from work, a rare feat at that, he tends to take the vacation from all his usual activities in addition to those work related. If he tends to drive a great deal during his normal life for example, he may choose to avoid cars for the length of his vacation. I hope that lemming lives in a small town, but it can be done. I had no car the year I lived in Boulder and got along just dandy. This is the reason I have not updated my blog in, what is it now, eleven days?

I plan to have a new rant for tomorrow night, so I would expect it when you wake up Monday morning. I hope you all had a great turkey day. I did miss you all, but it would hardly be a real vacation if I blogged during it. A vacation is a vacation from all you do, not just parts.