Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Frankenstein's Earworm

The song I have in my head today is one of my own creation, which should be a cool thing except that it is only in my head. Oh, the musical aspect of it is on my iPad and has been for 2 days now, but the vocal part, one I swore to give up on trying, is on a repeat cycle in my cranium which happens to have amazing acoustics, but I digress...

The problem seems so simple which only seems to complicate it; the Earworm only consists of two lines: 1) They're Getting Ready; 2) Time to Run. The first line is repeated 3 times and the last only once. Sounds simple, right? Two fucking days I have sung those two lines over and over and over again in various pitches and even trying silly voices hoping they might sound cool to no avail. All I have accomplished is having it perfected in my head, mocking me as it now knows I lack the ability to get it out.

How do you kill an Earworm you have no way of sharing?

Monday, December 19, 2011

To the tune of "Black Water" by the Doobie Brothers

Well, I've built me some bombs and they're ready for dropping
Oh Saddam Hussain, I wish there were 10 more like you
The troops may be leaving
But the Iraqis are fighting
Which means there's still money to be made today

Oh Blackwater
Keep on killing
Politician folk gonna keep on paying your bills
Oh Blackwater
Keep on killing
Politician folk gonna keep on paying your bills
Gonna keep on paying
Pretty momma, gonna keep on paying those bills

And we aren't there no more
'Cause Mercs don't wear a uniform

Well if you mind, I don't care
Don't make no difference to me
Just put those troops coming home on TV
Gonna hear some patriotic bands
And dance the Honky Tonk
While I'll be killing every Iraqi around

Oh Blackwater
Keep on killing
Politician folk gonna keep on paying your bills
Oh Blackwater
Keep on killing
Politician folk gonna keep on paying your bills
Gonna keep on paying
Pretty momma, gonna keep on paying those bills

And we aren't there no more
'Cause Mercs don't wear a uniform

Gonna hear some patriotic bands
And forget about the Mercs in foreign lands
Foreign lands
Take some foreign lands, pretty momma
Gonna pay those Mercs in foreign lands

Cartoon Villains Unite!

Is it just me, or does this photo of Newt and Ron Paul look a little too much like the Staypuff Marshmallow Man and Penguin?

Maybe its just me.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Three Cheers for the Red, White, and Screwed

Three Cheers to the Red, White, and Screwed
To those who believe we are leaving
With 16,000 more mercs on their way
We will see more US deaths another day

And to those who think Obama did this
To those so easily lead asunder
He tried to extend our stay
But they said "no way
Enough with the plunder"

So wrap yourself up in the flag
Pretend this is something worth celebrating
But you know as well as do I
This is a lie
We are just masturbating.

So three cheers to the Red, White, and Screwed
To the warhawks, both old and new
You have thrown the world into Hell
You did so well
And so fuck you

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

To the tune of "Frosty the Snowman"


Obama, the Spineless President
Still has an awful lot to learn
That when you're caught spying
The drone you can't ask to be returned
When Iran found it
You were busted once again
Acting like a Neocon
But you're different, let's all pretend
Then one sorry election year
The Republicans did say
Obama, with your flaws so bright
We will help you win election night
Then how the GOP loved him
As he carried out their policies
Obama, the Spineless President
You might as well be GOP

To the tune (again) of "American Woman" by the Guess Who

American Drone
Stay away from me
American Drone
Just let me be

Don't go hanging around my door
I am very aware of Amendment number 4
My privacy shouldn't be denied
Just so paranoia you can pacify

American Drone
Get away
American Drone
Don't record what I say

Asking for the military to be used
To spy on me should be refused
Fighting crime is just fine
But don't invade the rights that are mine

American Drone
Gotta getaway
Gotta getaway
Gotta leave
Gotta go

Monday, December 12, 2011

To the tune of "In the Still of the Night" by Whitesnake

In the town of Bedrock
I use my feet to stop my car
When I get home at the end of the day
In the town of Bedrock
When I get happy
"Yabba-Dabba-Doo" is what I say

In Mr Slate's Quarry
Is where I work
It's hard and takes it toll
But in the evening time
They call me "Twinkle Toes"
When with the Water-buffaloes I bowl

Now I just wanna get home tonight
And see my Wilma some more
But I got stuck outside screaming all night
Cause Dino locked me out of the door

In the town of Bedrock
In the town that I rock
I feel myself evolving
In the town of Beeeeeeeeeeddddddrrrrroooooccccckkkk!

Thursday, December 08, 2011

To the tune of "You're a Mean One, Mr Grinch"

You’re resilient, Mr Gingrich
You really won’t go away
You’re as stubborn as a burro
With a campaign in total disarray
Mr Gingrich
I’ll be amazed if you reach Election Day.

You're like fungus, Mr Gingrich
Kept out of the light and you grow
You're as electable as a puppet
Including the hand up your ass for the show
Mr Gingrich
I can't believe our expectations have gotten so low

Sunday, December 04, 2011

One story from my the wedding of my sister

Had an amazing weekend at my sister’s Wedding to her perfect man and I am happy to have him in our family, but that is not the purpose of this posting. This posting is to share a really funny moment I hope translates to text and isn't a “you had to be there moment.”

The wedding was held at a nature preserve and, as most nature preserves do, this one had a gift shop showcasing local artist to help raise money and this particular nature reserve was smart enough to keep it open on a night there was a weed ing reception with an open bar.

Anyone who knows me knows I am very uncomfortable in a social setting and this night I found myself staying with my big brother; I suppose finding security in his shadow. Anyway...I caught him looking at some of the art and debating buying something which, in my little brother state, had me looking at the art with a purchase in mind as well. I found myself standing before a scroll with a koi fish ying yang that was next to a larger copy of the same scroll (important to note there was a larger copy hanging).

As I was looking and pondering a purchase, my unle came up behind me and asked if I was buyi g something. After saying out loud “I think I I'll regret not buying it,” I bought the smaller version.

That was set up; now the story:

When not clinging to my big brother, I was spending time catching up with my two cousins whom I don't see very often. They have great senses of humor that, like mine, can often drift into “blue” territory. This time would be no different.

I sat at their table with my purchase in a bag. I don't use real names so I will call them Michelle and Liz.

Liz: what did you buy?
Me: A scroll with fish
Michelle: let’s see it
Liz: yeah, take it out
Me: Um...I know we’re Southern, but...

They caught it and it began: they were Office fans too and we began sharing our favorite “that’s what she said” moments and he innuendo kept escalating and escalating as did the laughter.

Finally, my mom walked up to the table and, while speaking of the scroll I bought, said “did you show it to your cousins yet, or should they see the big one in the hall?”

I stared at Michelle trying to refrain from saying anything...this was my MOTHER, but was such a fucking great set up. I saw my cousins had as many remarks flooding her mind as I did and they couldn't say anything because this was their aunt. We just sat silent and staring and holding the flood in.

As my mom turned to leave, we just lost it.

I hope this translated into a story and wasn't a moment.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

To the tune of "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake

Herman Cain has ANOTHER woman coming forward and his response to it: Here we go again. Of course a song was coming.

I don’t know who I’m boning, but I know when I stick it in
Giving up on teases who demand that I pay
And I so love to grind
A woman without her own mind
Here we go again, here we go again

Though I keep searching for a slut bag
I never seem to find one who can keep her mouth shut
Oh Lord I pray you give me one without a tongue
But then again that won’t do
Bill Clinton, how I envy you

Here we go again, another ho
Telling all the things about me that she knows
Like a Clinton I have a need a woman who likes to blow
And won’t speak her mind
If about her, the media does find

I’m just another man in search of booty
Waiting for a rear to present itself
And I’m gonna grab it and squeeze it for days
Cause I can’t control it
How I love me those legs, ass, and tits

Here we go again, another ho
Telling all the things about me that she knows
Like a Clinton I have a need a woman who likes to blow
And won’t speak her mind
If about her, the media does find

Monday, November 28, 2011

Manuh-Ma-WAH! Twilight Stole My Muppets

How many fucking theaters do you need to show Twilight? Is it that important to you to break a box office record that you must have a showing every 30 minutes? And more importantly: DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE SO MANY THEATERS THAT MY MUPPETS MOVIE WAS A) LIMITED TO 3 SHOWINGS A DAY AND B) NOT SHOWN IN 3D? What is the point of a Muppets 3D movie when it isn't being shown in 3D? And I am not exaggerating about Twilight showings either; it was ever half hour which took at least what, 6 theaters to pull off with a 3 hour movie?

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

To the Tune of "Carry On My Wayward Son" by Kansas

Mitt says he tried a beer once...just once.

Don't inhale my wayward son
Be careful or you may have fun
There'll be a buzz if you ingest to much
Don't you drink no more

Once he fell into the depth of temptation
And he smoked, drank, and tried masturbation
He didn't dig the first two
But the third was just great
Playing with himself became an obsession
It felt so good, it cured his depression
And his right arm grew much larger
As he loved to masturbate

Don't inhale my wayward son
Be careful or you may have fun
There'll be a buzz if you ingest to much
Don't you drink no more

Monday, November 21, 2011

To the tune of "Stand" by REM

Get Pepper sprayed in the place that you sit
Now in the face
Think about obeying the unlawful things I have to say
Get Pepper sprayed in the place that you stand
Now fall down
Think about obeying me, now get down on the ground

The police are outnumbered
And have no clue
So what in the Hell
Do you expect them to do
Under educated
And driven by fear
They all just want to go home
A drink a few beers

Get Pepper sprayed in the place that you sit
Now in the face
Think about obeying the things I have to say
Get Pepper sprayed in the place that you stand
Now fall down
Think about obeying me, now get down on the ground

The people are trying
To have their say
And when it comes to riots
UC knows the way
The police are assholes
And acting like thugs
Perhaps they would be more mellow
If they took a few drugs

Get Pepper sprayed in the place that you sit
Now in the face
Think about obeying the things I have to say
Get Pepper sprayed in the place that you stand
Now fall down
Think about obeying me, now get down on the ground

Friday, November 18, 2011

To the tune of "Blinded by the Light"

My Rick Perry
Thinks this is way to scary
Cause the media ain't playing fair
And Herman Cain
Wants to change his name
And maybe dye his hair
As Newt is for sale
And probably should be in jail
Waiting on Freddie to pay
While Mitt takes a shit
Allowing them to take the hits
And hopes to make to election day

So long as they're blinded by the Right
These bunch of douches keep them from seeing the light
Blinded by the Right
The nation is down and we may never get a chance
Think we will make it to the night?

An Example of my Life

Ever work with people who thrive on drama and therefore must create it wherever they can? Me too. Here is one such story of how my days go:

On my way into work this morning I received a text from a tech who was scheduled to work tonight. She told me her daughter was in the hospital and she could not work tonight and that she was so sorry about that. This sucks, but shit happens. We had a busy week and I needed her to work tonight rather badly, but her child takes priority. Sadly, I had already given another tech this weekend off (she had asked on Monday).

When I got to work, the Office Manager was the only other person there and she had just returned from a week's vacation. I wanted to let her know about my schedule problem before anyone came it to present her with problems and I gave her a solution. I said:

“Hey, I know we have four patients tonight and one of my techs who was scheduled tonight called in because her daughter was taken to the hospital. I had given another tech the weekend off at the start of this week, so I need your approval to give Tech C some overtime.”

How did my Office Manager convey this to the rest of the staff when they arrived?

“Brad gave two techs the weekend off, so we need to find another tech or give Tech C overtime.”

The reality was I had the schedule covered, but an unforeseen event happened beyond my control.

The story she implied was I was irresponsible and fucked up and am costing the company money unless they can think of a solution.

To my mom and Boss who will read this, DO NOT DO ANYTHING! I am just venting which is part of what my blog is for.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

To the Tune of "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" by the Band

As sung by Karl Rove

Herman Cain is his name and he’s running for the Presidency
“But that won’t happen,” said Rove. “Not if it’s up to me
See I don’t mind not playing fair
And if you don’t like it, well, I don’t care
I swear by the blood that never reaches Cheney’s heart
If he continues to run I will tear that man apart.”

The fortnight they brought down Herman Cain
Off all the media was feeding
The fortnight they brought down Herman Cain
And Karl Rove was laughing
He went: Ha, ha-ha-ha, ha-ha.
Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha

“Back when he was in the NRA they say he was a lecherous man
And I’ve found lots of women who are willing to go with my plan
See, it don’t take much to ruin someone
And I must admit it is lots of fun
It is what I do and how I made my name
Ruining people is my claim to fame!”

The fortnight they brought down Herman Cain
Off all the media was feeding
The fortnight they brought down Herman Cain
And Karl Rove was laughing
He went: Ha, ha-ha-ha, ha-ha.
Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha

Now that the media has the scent of blood I can slowly back off
And condemn the liberal media, saying on Obama they were too soft
Politics today is just a game
And I play it and put everyone else to shame
You may think I’m not as relevant as I once was
But I say you only have to ask Herman Cain because

The fortnight they brought down Herman Cain
Off all the media was feeding
The fortnight they brought down Herman Cain
And Karl Rove was laughing
He went: Ha, ha-ha-ha, ha-ha.
Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha

Lucy, that Bitch!

I pictured myself on a boat, on a river, but the Tangerine skies kept dripping citric acid in my eyes and I couldn't see who was calling behind me. When I turned to answer quite slowly due to the burning pain in my eyes, the bitch ran off!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

To the tune of "Pardon Me" by Incubus

It was a few weeks ago
My G-d, could it be
Herman Cain was the front runner in the GOP
But the limelight was bright
And he couldn't see
The myriad of hurdles that leads to the Presidency

So Pardon him while he bursts into flames
He's had enough of this race
He can't seem to play the game
(so) Pardon him, pardon him

Friday, November 11, 2011

Veteran's Day

Thank you to anyone who put their life on the line for something larger than themselves and thank you for every freedom I enjoy. I am free to be a pacifist because of people like you.

I will continue to try and live up to my end of making sure those in power don't risk your lives without reason. I don't always succeed, and have really failed as of late, but I will not stop. You deserve having a country that values your willingness to sacrifice and not one that sees you as pawns in a larger game.

Monday, October 31, 2011

To the Tune of "You're So Vain"

You walked into the Godfathers
Like it was Tuesday Night, Ladies Drink Free
Your hand strategically cupping both your balls
Yes, you were feeling quite frisky

You had one eye on her rear end
As you said something she couldn't refuse
And you keep thinking she would be flattered
She would be flattered

Herman Cain
I bet you thought this race was about you
Herman Cain
I bet you thought this race was about you
Don't you
Don't you

Yeah, you came up high in the last poll
With a target firmly on your back
And Karl Rove said "this won't do"
And he went on the attack

You screwed up many years ago
And Karl found your mistake
Now every reporter is hoping to bust you
Hoping to bust you

Herman Cain
I bet you thought this race was about you
Herman Cain
I bet you thought this race was about you
Don't you

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Special Message About My Parodies

I write quite a few, but I feel I should explain why and how. They do not reflect my personal politics ever and knowing the why and how should help you understanding them.

I have been a member of a political blog for about 9 years now and we debate any and everything. Quite often, a member will say something and the way they phrase it makes me think of a song and, as any of you know, I am subject to being tormented by Earworms. My choices at that point are to either suffer or to try and turn it against itself.

Writing parodies is something I have done for years. Anyone who ever got stuck with me in a busy pizza kitchen on a Saturday night knows I love writing parodies. Hell, I even remember my sister and I writing a parody of Footloose called "Quaaludes" and I include that example to show how my parodies come from various characters' points of view and do not reflect my own. Neither my sister nor I did drugs when we wrote that song; I was in 7th grade and she in 9th.

So basically, what I am saying is that the songs I post here do not reflect my own personal view points but rather are all based on a vast assortment of online personalities I have experienced in my tenure as a blogger.

I hope that clears some things up.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Some OWS parodies

To the tune of the Theme from the Monkees

Here we come
The 99%
We should be looking for a job
So we can pay our rent

Hey, hey
We're protesting
Gives us something to do
Gives me an excuse
So I can blame my problems on you

We're just trying for handouts
Pissed my lotto numbers didn't win
Then I would be real rich
And the 1% would let me join in


Mine eyes have seen the ever shifting reasons for the protest
The justifications shifting like a tumbleweed in the Old West
The hatred of the 1 without defining the 99 percent
Their protest rages on

In their anger logic and reason it seems they did abort
They protest the very people who Obama just did court
They refuse to define their reasons because it will lessen their support
Their madness rages on

Camera, camera
Take my picture
Media, media
Show me on the TV
Internet, internet
Show my neat sign
This bullshit rages on

And one pro to the tune of 50 Ways to Leave your Lover.

It seemed lately I could not find a job
I had become an unkempt unemployed and unmotivated slob
Until one day
When I saw on the TV
About 50,000 like me

It then struck me that I must get involved
Even though I did not believe this is a problem that could be solved
I went do DC
And wouldn't you believe
Obama was calling out to me

Can't think of a chorus though.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Not A Parody This Time

The Republicans are crazy and evil and the Democrats are emotional and stupid and neither seems to work very well. I keep hoping that we will wake up to the realization that we don't have two parties; we have the left and right side of a single party with a stranglehold on the system. The American people were supposed to be the ones steering this ship we call America and now pawns to be brought out every two years for this masturbation we call elections. Our system is rigged and the ones we count on to change it are the same ones who profit from the corrupt system; it is like putting convicts on their own parole board.

I look at the Tea Party and the Occupy movement and I keep seeing how similar their complaints are and how they view the same problems and am amazed they are fighting one another rather than working together. It is as if the system has invented a new way to divide us even more.

Think of it like this: insanity is defined as doing the same thing and expecting different results. For over 100 years we have looked to the Republicans to clean up Democrat messes and then to the Democrats to fix the Republican messes and we wonder why things never get any better. The answer is simple actually: there is always another election in two years and there is always a need for a good wedge issue. That is why there is still the gay marriage and abortion debates regardless of both parties holding all the branches of government at various times.

Pardon my rant, but these are thoughts I have been holding in lately and are just growing within me. This is not some manifesto or anything, so don't go worrying about that. I know you are thinking “well, what would you do,” so I am actually going to give some ideas:

1.Sell bonds with a greater return rate than anything else on the market to encourage reinvestment in America. I listen to old radio programs a lot and I hear ads for war bonds all the time where they say “get back $5 for every $4 you invest.” That is a 20% return. Who wouldn't take a guaranteed return like that in this economy?

2.End the wars and that includes our drone strikes in various countries. When Obama took office, we were involved in 2 countries; today we are involved in 6. Even with Iraq ending at the end of this year, we are still in more conflicts today than when Obama took office. That strikes me as furthering the PNAC agenda.

3.Use the money saved from ending the occupations to rebuild the nation's infrastructure. To help with employing the returning troops, offer them incentive programs to join a “Peace Corps” like group for domestic repair.

4.End the Electoral College. There was a time for it, but that time has passed. The internet, television, and radio makes the issue of candidates not getting to every state irrelevant. Everyone can hear and see all the candidates. Also, states with a greater percent of the population should have a greater percent of the vote. What the Electoral College does is not so much as give smaller states and equal voice as it gives people who live in bigger states a smaller voice.

5.End Corporate and Union donations to national races. The people who are members of both already have rights as individuals and giving rights to Corporations or Unions gives a second set of rights to the board of directors of those organizations and that is not fair as they control bottomless pockets.

OK, the whole “numbered list” thing doesn't help my “this is not a manifesto” argument, but it I swear it isnt. I am just someone who spends a lot of time debating politics online and is trying to figure out a solution that will actually work.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

To the Tune of "Time Warp"

I am now including a link to the news story that inspired the parody since I think most themes are lost without the proper context. Today's is based on this story:

NEW YORK (AP) — Catholic and Jewish groups are condemning actress Susan Sarandon for referring to Pope Benedict XVI as a Nazi.

So join in with me everyone:

It's depressing
As her celebrity's fleeting
Makes her put on a show

And her relevence
Won't last very much longer
If it was ever there
At all

I remember
Susan Sarandon
Up the screen
In Rocky Horror
And especially in Bull Durham

Please Return to Acting Again
Please Return to Acting Again

You moved too far to the Left
And lost your fame overnight
You put your hand on your hip
And waved your finger at the Right
But your bleeding heart
Made you go insane

Please Return to Acting Again
Please Return to Acting Again

Friday, October 14, 2011

To the Tune of "Fire and Rain"

Just yesterday morning you erupted in flames
Susanne, that perfume you used is highly flammable
So I took out a cigarette and I lit it off you
The flames so bright I couldn't think of anything else to do

Oh, the teacher's on fire and in pain
Somebody put her out or it may spread
She's burning from her toes up to her head
Why didn't we just throw her out into the rain?

Won't you do something for her, Jesus
Before she burns away
Maybe turn on a fire extinguisher
Her body's burning and parts are flying away
And I've yet to turn my homework into her

Oh, the teacher's on fire and in pain
Somebody put her out or it may spread
She's burning from her toes up to her head
Why didn't we just throw her out into the rain?

Cheap Shot Mr Drudge

Did you think you were being slick? The intent is crystal clear by your positioning of the similar photos of Obama, Pelosi, and Iran's leader whose name I will never type out.

Come on man, that is a pretty cheap shot...even for you.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

To the tune of Send in the Clowns

Isn't it sad?
Doesn't anybody care?
Though we have no troops on the ground,
We're still killing from the air.
Send in the drone.

Isn't it cheap?
Don't you approve?
We're nation-building still
And don't need Congress to approve
So send in the drones
Or I'll have to spread fear

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

To the Tune of "Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer"

Grandma got flattened by a sky dive
Jumping out of a plane Christmas eve
You can say she her last words were "Geronimo!"
But as for me and Grandpa, we just grieve.

She was watching Patrick Swayze
And Keanu in Point Break
And during the sky diving sequence
A very bad decision did she make

She called for an appointment
And she took the proper class
But she had a senior moment
Jumped out, forgot her name
And lost her ass

Grandma got flattened by a sky dive
Jumping out of a plane Christmas eve
You can say she her last words were "Geronimo!"
But as for me and Grandpa, we just grieve.

Friday, October 07, 2011

Steve Jobs...

It just dawned on me that we didn't just lose Steve Jobs the other day; we lost the last great American pioneer. He was our last Edison, Einstein. We lost someone who not only saw how the world could/should be, but someone with the drive and ability to actually shape the world and someone who cared enough about the world to not use this drive and ability for nefarious or self-serving purposes. Yes, he did grow rich on the back of his innovations, but he did more good than 99.9% of those with even half his means.

I was never an Apple fan, but I was a Steve Jobs fan and I mourn not only the loss of him, but of the future's loss of what he had planned for it.

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

To the Tune of "I Want a New Drug" by Huey Lewis and the News

I need a new phone
Blackberry or a Droid
One that won't drop my calls
And make me feel annoyed

I need a new phone
An Iphone sounds fine
I just wanna have a keyboard
For when I surf online

(With) A plan that is affordable
One that will always let me get through
One that lets me sext like I sext when I'm without you
When I'm alone and blue

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The Palestinian Tar Baby

Brer Middle East and Brer Europe have set a trap for Brer America. A Palestinian Tar Baby holding a sign that reads "Statehood?" has been placed on the UN road and Brer America needs to just walk on by.

It is a smart trap. Brer Middle East and Brer Europe knows Brer America can't not help, but also can't help too much. They know Brer America will first trying to move it, thus getting slightly entangled in it. Brer America will then start shuffling back and forth, to and fro, to free himself from it, but will only end up getting more entangled. Finally, Brer America will fight against the Tar Baby and end up weakened, messy, and stuck in the end.

Brer Middle East and Brer Europe don't care for the Tar Baby, they just like the damage they know will be caused by its introduction to Brer America's ego. The best thing for Brer America to do is nothing.

The moral of the story is America should not vote at all. A "yes" vote or a "no" vote is getting entangled in the Tar Baby and we can't win. Let the vote turn out however it will turn out free from our involvement.

The Title is also a link to this same article on where you can see either the abuse or support I get for it. Either way, should be an interesting read.

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

To the Tune of "Colors" by Ice-T

I am a bullshit squawking, politically balking
King of the Flip Flop just a hypocrite talking
Spreading lies like a fire to a sea of fools
Then I laugh like a maniac as I don't follow the rules
Red or Blue, Repub or Dem, it just don't matter
In the light of day all my bullshit scatters
But you'll re-elect me anyway- no matter what I say

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

Review: Shark Night 3D

Short version: ...

Longer version: I am still in shock from the experience of seeing "Shark Night 3D." I have never seen a movie THIS bad before in my life and I love bad movies. I am someone who, at least half the time, had seen the movie MST3K was mocking prior to the episode. This was not a movie so much as 3 different thirds of three different movies someone found laying around a studio and decided to make them into a movie.

While I don't believe in "Spoilers," in this case they are actually "Friendly Warning Signs" to keep you from making the mistake I made.

First Third: This is the set up for an 80's Slasher movie ALA Friday the 13th. Our heroes (who will be known as "Shark Food" for the rest of this review) meet up at college to go for a long weekend in the small town where one of the group went for summers as a kid, but a tragedy has kept her from going there for 3 years.

Our first introduction to this small town (after a five minute high speed montage of every single road the shark food took to get there from their college campus) is with a pick up truck pulling next to our lone Black character and his Hispanic girlfriend. Naturally this truck contains racist locals and naturally a history with our "summers as a kid" shark food emerges and blocks a confrontation. Nothing like pointless land-based drama in a shark movie.

30 minutes in and only one pre-credit shark attack so far for those keeping score at home.

Our shark food arrives at the house on an island and the slasher film ends with our "summers as a kid" shark food telling the appetizers that their cell phones won't work; creating the perfect setting for a slasher like Jason, but this is a shark movie.

Helpful Hint: If you want to make a horror movie not based in the 80's, you have to set it someplace where cell phones don't work.

Second Third: This is what one expects from the FIRST ACT of a shark movie; skiing, girls with tight bodies in bikinis, a dog playing fetch in the water, poorly done CGI fins following people ominously and point of view shots from underwater. All it was missing was the "duh-nuh" music from Jaws...and the suspense...and the plot.

Normally, too much explanation in a horror movie distracts from the actual story, but in this case it would be nice to know why one of every species of shark is in this river/lake and why they are attacking humans so fiercely. Hammerheads, Great Whites, and Nurses are not that common. The "Katrina put them here" story didn't work for me in the slightest.

Now then, one goes to a shark movie for the kills, right? Someone should have told the director this little factoid. Maybe I got spoiled by the prolonged and graphic kills of Piranha, but this movie's kills consisted of shark food on jet ski; shark jumps from water; jet ski left alone; the end. If the CGI shark looked less like something I fought in the Atari 2600's Jaws game, I might have been happy with the kills. Sharks jumping out of water is pretty cool to watch as Shark Week proves, but come on. More than half the time the camera wasn't even aimed at the kill. Considering the sharks were placed in the shots with computers, there is no excuse for the camera missing the vital and cool parts we all went to see.


The third act is where this shark movie (pardon the pun) jumped the shark. Our local racists from the first act return and the movie turns once again; this time into a "revenge thriller" as our locals are behind the attacks all along. Seems three years ago "summers as a kid" shark food and racist local were an item until she accidentally sliced his face open with a propeller while they were diving together. Now he isn't cute anymore and wants revenge and is using the sharks to kill her friends.

While that would be a decent story, it is not the real reason for the events of this movie, just a side-motivation. The real reason is even dumber...remeber I spoke of "Shark Week" before? See, our racist locals attach cameras to the sharks (how is never explained) and film the attacks to sell online because "Shark Week is the most watched cable event and some people will pay to see the real thing." Even the sheriff is involved.

How did they know "summers as a kid" shark food would return out of the blue? How did they get the sharks? How did they attach the cameras to the sharks? How did they get the sharks to attack on command? Unimportant questions only a lucid audience would ask and the makers of this movie clearly intended to lull the audience into a coma of accepting any nonsense they threw on the screen.

I cannot stress how bad this movie was, and not in a "let's go see how bad this movie is" way. Stay far away from this horrible disaster of a movie.

To give you an idea of just how bad it is: I got in with a free pass and wanted my money back.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

To the tune of "Wanted Dead or Live" by Bon Jovi

It's all the same
Only the names have changed
Our economy
It seems its wasting away
Another four year term
Is what he asks of us
But when we question "where's the change"
His supporters raise a fuss

He's Obama
With Bush's policies he will rule
And you will support him
Because you're a weak-minded fool
Yeah He's Obama
No matter what he has the Left on his side
And you'll support him
Because he has you petrified
Has you petrified

Sometimes he says one thing
And then he does the opposite
And as the Congress fights
On his hands he sits
His positions are everywhere
And impossible to pin down
He'll tell you he'll do one thing
And then turn it all around

He's Obama
With Bush's policies he will rule
And you will support him
Because you're a weak-minded fool
Yeah He's Obama
No matter what he has the Left on his side
And you'll support him
Because he has you petrified
Has you petrified

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Nobody Will Agree With This, But...

The first song in the new Obama musical:

Anything Bush can screw
I can screw better
I can screw anything better than you
I'll take a recession
And cause a depression
And I will blame it squarely on you

(No you can't)
Yes I can
(No you can't)

So you want to close Gitmo
Well now then you know
I will say yes, but keep it anyway
And now the Patriot Act
Never mind the fact
I promised it would end after my election day

Yes anything Bush did screw
I will screw better
I will screw everything better than him
If you still support me
HA, that's your fallacy
I can't believe so many people are so incredibly dim

To the tune of "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton

Would you want to remain
If there was no beer in Heaven
Would you act the same
If you knew you would be sober in Heaven
I hope its wrong; eternity's too long
Cause I know I don't belong
(without) Beers in Heaven

Would you still be good
If there was no beer in Heaven
Do you think G-d would
Disallow liquid peace in Heaven
That is not right; G-d's too uptight
Cause I won't spend a single night
(without) Beers in Heaven

Friday, August 12, 2011

To the tune of People are People by Depeche Mode

If Corporations are people
Then why should it be
Wal-Mart and I get treated
So differently
If Corporations are people
Then why should it be
Wal-Mart and I get treated
So differently

I pay my taxes in full
And always on time
I pay a dollar in taxes
To every one of your dimes
You get a voice as an individual
Now you want one for your cash
As Politicians bend backwards for a piece
Of your stash

I can't understand
Why we let the government
Give to corporations
What they give to man

If Corporations are people
Then why should it be
Wal-Mart and I get treated
So differently

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Sorry Ruskies

My blog seems to have been taken over by some Russians having a conversation in Russian and it is annoying me to no ends. I have put moderation back on to stop this. I will talk about my leg later, but I just got to work.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Palin Wonders "Where's My Headline?"

After years of dominating the discussion, a recent drought in Palin-related stories has pushed her non-campaign into "Panic Mode."

"She is very worried," a close source who wised to remain anonymous recently told me in a fever-dream. "The 'Palin Brand' was once synonymous with stupidity and we are seeing a very real and viable threat from Michelle Bachmann. This is like Dr Frankenstein being killed by his own monster."

Palin had real hopes her "Paul Revere" gaff combined with the premature end of her "One Nation" bus tour would have propelled her not only to the top of the polls, but the headlines. However, Bachmann's combination of light blue deer-eyes in headlights and tenuous grasp on reality to say the least has made her the GOP darling.

More to come....

Remember Eisenhower's Words! Please! End the Endless War!

Our military organization today bears little relation to that known by any of my predecessors in peacetime, or indeed by the fighting men of World War II or Korea.

Until the latest of our world conflicts, the United States had no armaments industry. American makers of plowshares could, with time and as required, make swords as well. But now we can no longer risk emergency improvisation of national defense; we have been compelled to create a permanent armaments industry of vast proportions. Added to this, three and a half million men and women are directly engaged in the defense establishment. We annually spend on military security more than the net income of all United States corporations.

This conjunction of an immense military establishment and a large arms industry is new in the American experience. The total influence -- economic, political, even spiritual -- is felt in every city, every State house, every office of the Federal government. We recognize the imperative need for this development. Yet we must not fail to comprehend its grave implications. Our toil, resources and livelihood are all involved; so is the very structure of our society.

In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the militaryindustrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.

We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1961

Sunday, June 19, 2011

D-Day Recovery

I am not a verbally gifted person for the most part. It may be because I have been solitary for so long or maybe I never was very loquacious in the first place, but either way I don't express myself very well with the spoken word and therefore was mostly emotionally silent this weekend. This may lead those attending my festivities with the impression I was not having a good time. This could not be further from the truth. The reality is that this was the best birthday I think I have ever had in my life and I can't thank each one of you enough, but let's try.

MOM- I am awestruck with the planning you put into this weekend and I am humbled to have you as my mother. I could not have asked for a better weekend and you were behind it all. I love you more than I can ever express.

ROB- This was your weekend as well and I hope your Father's day matched my birthday in the amount of joy. All your children and your grandchild were here all weekend long and it was a thing of beauty to watch you with your granddaughter.

JEFF and LAURA- Happty Father's Day to you Jeff as well. And thank you both for coming down on Friday in all that traffic to spend my actual birthday with me even though we were coming up on Saturday. It was very touching you took the time to drive down. I know what a pain the drive is and Nola can be to get ready for anything. Thank you both for coming.

JULIE- Speaking of driving, it would have been a glaring absense had you not drvien down from Gainesville to spend this weekend with me. Of all the gifts I recieved, your coming down was the best.

GORDON- Your love was felt and appreciated. I know you wanted to come down, but the guilt of how much you would have had to go through to get here would have overshadowed the joy of seeing you. We will get together soon.

CAST of HAIR- Wow. Just wow. I got chills during Walking in Space (my favorite song from the show) and was moved at the end. I had grown up on the movie, but now I feel I have finally seen Hair for the first time. Just wow.

For my 41st, I will try to learn how to express myself verbally. Until then, I hope you got to see this and to know how much this weekend meant to me.

Come to think of it...there are no words to cover this feeling of joy and being loved. Thank you so much.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

D-Day +1

I can see it on the horizon. I have less than 24 hours now at this point. At 11:40-ish AM tomorrow I start my 40th year in this reality. Funny and I know it is a cliché, but I don't feel 40. Or maybe I do feel 40 and, having never been 40 before just don't recognize it as such. Maybe THIS is how 40 feels; exactly like 30. It is rather weird the weight we assign to arbitrary numbers and how we define ourselves based on how society thinks that number should behave.

"He doesn't act 40."

If it wasn't for the mirror, I would say I was turning 25. I feel the same as I did. The parts of me I can see without a mirror look basically the same; hands, feet, legs, etc. I do have a bald spot, but at my height, who can see it? Even my thoughts are the same as when I was 25. First on my mind right now are the amazing records I found yesterday after work and I can't wait to get home and listen to them some more; just like when I was 25. I am even playing video games nightly; just like 25.

So, how does 40 act? When I was a kid, I thought 40 was when you started sizing dentures. I thought it was the age Depends became underwear and "sir" became a polite way of saying "asshole" as in "excuse me, but you are in the way, sir" or "no sir, you must wait over there." I was preparing for my first Social Security check and AARP application. I was thinking of burial plots. These may have been an incorrect assumptions on my part.

Tomorrow I am having a Carvel Ice Cream Cake for my 40th and my brother, sister, sister-in-law, and niece are going to spend it with me and my parents. I can't wait.

Oh, and when tomorrow does come, wish my mother a happy birthday instead of me. I was a C-section baby delivered a month late so I literally didn't do a damn thing on that day. Yes, I was lazy even in utero .

Happy Giving Birth Day Mom

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

How I See the Parties Today: A Two Act Play

Act 1: The Democrats

Lib1: This should be changed.

Lib2: Yes, it should be bigger.

Lib1: No, smaller.

Lib3: And blue.

Lib1 and 2: Blue? Green!

Lib1: and smaller.

Lib2: No, bigger.

Lib3: Whatever Bushlover.

Lib1: I voted for Kerry.

Lib2: Sure you did. Nobody who wants smaller voted for Kerry.

Lib3: Nobody who wants Green did either.

Act 2: The Republicans

Con1: This must not be changed

Con2: No.

Con3: And we should screw someone at the same time.

Con1: Agreed.

Con2: Male or female?

Con 1 and 3: WHAT?

Con2: Just kidding. Don't fags suck? I think I need to form a committee against them.

D-Day +2

The heavy rain knocked my antenna loose and I lost a channel...well, three. Channel 39 is one of those taking advantage of the HD broadcasting spectrum and they have 39-1, 39-2, and 39-3. 39-1 is regular Jerry Springer, Maury, Steve Wilcos, and daytime court shows while being CW at night. 39-2 is called "Antenna TV" and they show 3 Stooges, 3's Company, Hazel, etc. 39-3 is called THIS TV and they show crap. Of the three, I watch -2 on Fridays for my 3 Stooges marathon and -1 way too much. I have even set my TIVO to record particularly spicy Springer shows that air when I am at work. This is not proper behavior for someone turning 39+1.

I guess I should thank Mother Nature for doing what I lacked the strength to do on my own- cut the Springer umbilical cord. I will miss it, but it is time to move on. Besides, I still will have Judge Judy on channel 10. I love her; she's a total bitch.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The 2012 GOP Nominees

Gingrich-Sleezy...I mean Sneezy

Friday, June 10, 2011

D-Day +6

I am one week away from 40 and am suffering my last cold of my 30's and it figures it would take place over my last weekend of my 30's. OK, it is not like I was going to do anything anyways with my lack of a life, but it would be nice to not be sick as I enter 40, or rather 39 Part2.

Got my first present yesterday from a great and dear friend. I didn't see it coming and was shocked and bewildered when the UPS guy was leaving my door. I opened the box and there was a blue gift bag with four Simpsons figures contained within. I got chills and not because I was sick. It was beyond words amazing and touching to have gotten a gift in the mail from this person. Thank you again.

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Tribute to the Diceman

Little Miss Muffet
Decided to rough it
And left her lube at home
While Little Bo Peep
Was ramming her sheep
With a huge black rubber synthetic bone
Miss Muffet saw the sight
Said "that sheep looks so tight"
And decided it would be her turn
But since she had no lube
It was slightly rude
The friction caused the poor sheep to burn

Weiner-gate? My Thoughts

He needs to stand firm in the light of this exposure; rigid and stiff. He can't afford to lean or soften in his resolve. He must keep one eye on the prize and not soften in his commitment to see his term to completion. No early withdrawal for this man. His day will cum. His favorite band? Climax.

Monday, June 06, 2011

Paul Revere's Ride According to Palin: A Three Line Play

(A cold Arlington night. Enter a lone figure on horseback carrying a torch and riding like the Devil himself was chasing him)

Paul Revere: Alert! Alert! Take heed! The British are coming! The British are coming!

The British: We know.

Paul Revere: Just making sure. Carry on.

(close scene)

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

To the Tune of "St Stephen" by the Grateful Dead

This Hurt to Write

St Sarah
With her bus
Skipping events
Just because
Will she run
She doesn't know
Anything to make her bank account grow

Sarah prospered
Then she quit
Mobile talking point spewing
Either way she cannot lose
Sarah is employed by Fox News

Election season
She has no reason
Why is she touring across the USA
Skipping rallies
Her decision dallies
Anything to keep her in the press today
And she keeps talking
And she keeps balking
When the subject of her running comes around again

St Sarah
Go away
It's the greatest thing
You could do today
To save this nation
Shut your mouth....**

*It hurt writing a Dead parody about Palin.
** In honor of St Sarah, the writer of this parody quit before it was finished

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Great Idea for a Horror Movie

Climbers reach the peak only to be attacked by the zomibes of people who didn't make it and they must battle their way back down before they get killed by the zombies or their supplies run out.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Simon Rumley’s “Red White & Blue”- A Sort of Review

I watched this movie on Friday night and have tried for the past 3 days to figure out how I can sell this movie to you without ruining it. It has a very slow and seemingly pointless first hour that leads to an intense last 30 minutes that has left me still in a state of slight shock and made me watch the entire movie again as soon as it ended. Here is the little I can tell you:

Erica (played by Amanda Fuller) cleans a half-way house and sleeps around. One night she meets Franki (played by Marc Senter) who is a drummer in a local band. She later meets Nate (played by Noah Taylor) who lives in the half-way house and is an Iraqi war vet. Their lives cross, and then cross again; people end up dead in horribly, yet incredibly simplistic ways; and nobody is really what they seem.

I know all the above sounds incredibly cliché', and it would be if not for the haunting score and inventive direction of Simon Rumley. Trust me when I say this movie will stay with you long after you have watched it and most of what you thought you saw will change upon reflection.

Like Jack Ketchum's Red, this is a Southern bred revenge story where the character drama is so engrossing....I really need to stop before I give too much away.

"Red, White, and Blue" is streaming on Netflix and you will not be sorry you saw it.

Friday, May 20, 2011

To the Tune of "Parents Just Don't Understand" by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince

I only wrote this because I learned the Situation is suing his father, who is named the Confrontation. How can I let that go without mocking?

OK, here's the situation
A stupid moron with way too much attention
He's on the TV so he must be a star
Are you a fan?
Yeah, of course you are
Famous for stupid
On the Jersey Shore
And Dancing with the Stars
Do you need more?
Well fine, you asked
You are going to regret you had
Cause now the Situation is gonna sue his dad.
A confrontation
With the Confrontation
And endless battle worth less than masturbation
So to all you kids who want a fancy car
Be a moron and they will make you a star

Thursday, May 19, 2011

My First of Many Thoughts on 40

OK, this one will be a bit convoluted, so do your best to follow my train-wreck of thought. In my defense, I am turning 40.

So, I am turning 40, but I feel like I am turning 30. This would mean my 20's lasted 20 years. Assuming this makes the start of a pattern, then that would mean my new 30's will last 30 years and I won't have to worry about 40 until I am 70. Of course, this does mean I will be turning 50 at 110, so odds are I will have a very inactive 50's and I don't even want to get into how my 60's would be starting at 160, but for now I am quite happy to be turning 30 at 40.

Of course, all this is null and void since I am actually doing 39 again this year in honor of Jack Benny and don't even have to worry about any of this for quite some time to come...if ever. I can keep turning 39 for ever.

Confused yet?

Friday, May 13, 2011

Friday the 13th?

So, I hope everyone has a....(Chi-chi-chi-ha-ha-ha)...what was that?

Probably the wind. Anyway, I was going to say I hope everyone has a....(Chi-chi-chi-ha-ha-ha)...OK, I know I heard it that time...

What the Hell is that?

I think I am going to go check out the noise alone...

I'll be right back....





Monday, May 02, 2011

Dear 18 Year Old Me...

I owe you a very deep felt apology for I failed you. I tried my best and fought against all obstacles, but in the end it just was not meant to be. I had to abandon my quest for the betterment of the 40 Year Old Me and, last Saturday, I cut off my ponytail.

I remember quite clearly that day sitting in Fontana Hall’s cafeteria, red-eyed and foggy minded, while eating a bowl of mixed of every cereal they offered and talking about the value of long hair with a few friends. They need names and I never use real names out of respect for people’s privacy, so let’s call them: Mike and John. The third person will be called “Droopy Fonzerelli” because that is what we called him behind his back. The guy looked like Fonzi and Droopy had a kid! Oh, and I am not proud of the “behind his back” thing, but I was only 18 so cut me some slack. Anywho…

Come Along” by Salty Dog played over the cafeteria’s P.A. system and Mike and I, who both were growing our hair out, were asked about it by John. I can only assume the song sparked the curiosity, but he asked us if we ever planned on cutting our hair. “Never” being the standard 18 year old Long Hair response and John pressed the issue by offering hypothetical monetary values to the question and Mike and I continued to say “no.”

“I’ll bet you will cut your hair,” John said smugly, leaving “I will turn 40 with a ponytail” as my only logical recourse.

Needless to say, both Mike and I have had short hair in the days since, but around the time I turned 38 the conversation suddenly reappeared clearly in my mind. Many nights I fell asleep with that afternoon in Fontana Hall replaying verbatim over and over until I decided I had to keep that promise to myself. I stopped getting my hair cut that moment and spent the next year and a half looking bad.

At first, I had a rather “Bozo the clown”ish appearance. The male pattern baldness my head choose to take made my top frizz upwards as my sides ballooned outward. I rode the horror of my reflection out for months on end until I reached a “Page Boy” bob that was even more horrendous than the Bozo. As my sides grew to a point I could push them behind my ears, the “Page Boy” became a “Poser Tail” or one of those pathetic ponytails you saw people have in the 80’s when they tried to hide their mullet. That slowly morphed into what can be called a “Nicolas Cage Cut” to those feeling kind or just “YUCH” to those being honest.

For the last two weeks, I have been pulling my hair back and thinking about cutting my hair, but my promise/bet stayed in my head. I would grab the scissors and hear Crosby, Stills, and Nash singing Almost Cut My Hair/ Happened Just the Other Day and would climax with my tossing the scissors down as the lyrics I Feel Like I Owe It to Someone blasted in my head. Despite the Earworm enticing me to keep my hair, a voice in the back of my head compelled me to pick up the scissors again everyday and repeat the process until Saturday when the scissors finally closed.

I felt my heart pounding just before I pulled a Delilah on my Samson persona fearing the same outcome, but the sound of the steel splitting the fibers of hair compelled me to keep going. The sound even managed to drown out the Earworm begging me to keep the hair. I could hear crowds cheering as I made each following cut. I knew I made the right choice.

I tried my best to fulfill your promise to “John” made all those years ago. I told my boss that growing my hair was the form my “midlife crisis” was going to take so he would allow me to grow it out. I put up with over two years of looking horrible all in the name of “turning 40 with a ponytail,” but that was 18 Year Old Me Idealism. 40 Year Old Me Realism realized I don’t have anywhere near enough hair to grow it out and not look like one of those old men with a ponytail I used to make fun of. Ironically, my hair looks fuller and my bald spot smaller now.

Don’t take it personally 18 Year Old Me. As I get older and my time with you gets further and further away, you become cooler and cooler in my mind than you probably ever were and I even envy you sometimes.

Love Always,
40 Year Old Me

Osama Been Gotten

I just wanted to use that headline. A few more jokes. You won't like the second one at all:

1. I feel bad for my niece, Nola. It was going to be hard enough keeping which President Bush went to war against Iraq and Saddam, but now she must also remember it was Obama who got Osama, and not the other way around. Thank G-d Clinton didn't win or else she would have had to learn "Bush went to war with Iraq followed by Clinton followed by Bush going to war with Iraq followed by Clinton who killed Osama."

2. I am so proud Obama FINALLY did something different than Bush: he actually got Osama.

3. How long until the Birthers start demanding to see the Long Form Death Certificate?

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Trump: a Parody to the Tune of Lump

Trump sat a home
"How can this be?"
It has been five minutes
He hasn't been on the TV
Trumps broken ego
Hatched a pathetic plan
"I'll join the Tea Party
And say Obama's an African"

He's Trump
He's Trump
He's Trump
What's that on his head?
He's Trump
He's Trump
He's Trump
I think he's brain dead.

Trump got inspired
Went on TV
Said "Obama ain't American
Like you and like me"
Obama then proved
That wasn't the case
Then Trump switch attacks
To keep the egg from his face

He's Trump
He's Trump
He's Trump
He has no clue
He's Trump
He's Trump
He's Trump
I thank G-d he ain't a Jew

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Obama's Birth Certificate- Why I Can't Accept It

I just realized this is not enough information. I need the following before I can accept this as valid:

The medical license of the presiding doctor.

The medical school records of the presiding doctor.

The accreditation of the medical school attended by the presiding doctor.

The accreditation of the hospital

The complete history of the hospital and all administrators

The names of every other person born the same week as Obama so I can ask if they remember seeing him.

The qualifications of every instructor the presiding doctor had while attending medical school.

The qualifications of every administrator who had a role in the hiring of every instructor the presiding doctor had while attending medical school

The prior experience of the construction company that built the hospital

Three witnesses not in Hawaii at the time of birth who saw the birth.

One partridge in a pare-tree.

Is that so much really?

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Arguing Against the Existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Since I have decided to start blogging more often to get my "writing chops" back into shape, I have picked today, 4/20, to argue against the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

What is the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Well, according to their website (yes, the follower of the Flying Spaghetti Monster have a website):

I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

Bet you thought I was making it up. They call the practice "Pastafarianism." My sense of humor is abstract and sharp, but not THAT abstract and sharp. I am in awe of this. Anyway, here are my three top reasons it cannot exist:

1. There is no evidence that it flies. It does move through the air, but is this the result of self-propulsion or the after effects of a leap we don't know.

2. Are we sure it is made up of Spaghetti and not say Linguini or even Lasagna noodles? Can we even say for certain that the FSM is of Italian descent as is implied by the use of Italian cuisine to name it?

3. Is "Monster" accurate? Could not the flying spaghetti aspect simply be the result of an unwatched child at Olive Garden and not the sign of a sentient being?

3B. Also, the word "Monster" has such a negative connotation that it is hard to imagine such a being being benevolent and therefore worthy of worship.

Stupid as all Hell I know. Happy 420

Monday, April 18, 2011

Brief View on Scre4m (AKA Scream 4)

Brief View: That sucked eggs.

Longer View: No, that really sucked eggs and the eggs were rotten to begin with. I thought I was watching a parody of the Scream movies rather than an actual Scream flick. I mean the actors were there from the other Scream movies, and the mask was there, and the voice, the knife, the clumsy killer, but the frights...not so much.

To give you an idea how bad it was, I saw it on a Saturday night on opening weekend and, even though the theater was three-quarters full of teens, it was silent for the entire length of the movie. Seriously, not a single scream or shriek or even gasp for the entire runtime of this supposed "horror" movie.

I am not even going to go on with this review. It would be pointless. I am just not in the mood to be as negative as would be required to do this wreck of an insult of a parody of a horror movie. That alone should tell anyone who knows me just how horrid this movie was as I love to rag on weak movies. This was just bad, horrible, and not even good enough to mock.

There was one redeeming factor: I used a free pass so I didn't have to pay for this insult to my senses.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Brief View on Hanna

Brief View: Damn Fun

Longer View: I saw Hanna this weekend. I will not spoil anything story wise, mainly because I can't; there really isn't much of one: a girl who can kill on the run from a government agency. Think Bourne Identity mixed with La Femme Nikita with sprinkles of Run, Lola Run and The Professional liberally spread all over. Basically, the makers of this movie were obviously real big Luc Besson fans and made a very effective tribute to the director.

While the story is weak and more a method to get from one action set piece to the next, they are very well done. The director, Joe Wright, showed a lot of faith in the ability of his actors to pull off the choreography the fight scenes demanded; something you don't see often enough in today's world of quick cuts and tight camera shots. The highlight for me came in the form of a 360 degree, one take fight sequence that really made me forget this was a PG-13 film.

And speaking of the rating, for a PG-13 movie, I am quite surprised at how effective the suspense of the chase sequences and the quality of the fight scenes actually were. I very quickly forgot there were things that could not happen due to the rating of the film and found myself wondering a few times "what is going to happen next?"

The weakness of the film sadly comes across anytime and every time a connection is supposed to be made between characters, any characters. The father/daughter dynamic is barely there, the villains seem to act villainous because they are expected to, and the main character runs and fights because it is what the scene calls for. Even a British family we spend some time with seems more like a collection of actors playing parts rather than an actual family on vacation.

Overall, this movie was fun and that is what we go to the movies for, right? Even with no story, I am eager for a sequel and I think and hope the world has found a great new action star in Saoirse Ronan.

Monday, April 04, 2011

Brief View on Insidious

I saw Insidious this weekend. I will not spoil anything story wise.

The Bullet Point Version
If you are looking for a creepy movie, then go see Insidious, but leave once you see the gas mask.

If you are looking for a good and well made ghost story, then go see Insidious, but leave once you see the gas mask.

If you are not concerned with story or consistency or payoff, then stay until the end.

The Sort of Longer Version
The first half was one of the scariest movies I have seen in quite sometime. The problem with the movie is that the "myth" it uses is designed for a series of films and they kind of lose focus half way through with the story and go instead to define the rules of this new myth for future movies.

Overall, a good solid creepy ghost story that overstays its welcome and tries to be a small fish in a big pond instead of being the quality big fish in the small pond it started as.

Friday, March 25, 2011


What I have learned is this: while I opposed Bush's wars because I oppose war, my allies in that fight opposed Bush's wars because they opposed Bush.

I have also learned those on the Right who supported Bush's war are not warhawks as I thought, but as rabid for Bush as these people are today for Obama. They place party over not only country, but human life.

I accept the support of my newfound right leaning allies in the fight against war only because I oppose war and need the support, but I am well aware they do not share my ideals even though we oppose the same actions.