Friday, December 28, 2007

The Last Friday of @))&

Today is Friday and, in honor of it being the last Friday of @))& (or 2007 for those not Shift key literate.) I am going to request your New Year’s Resolutions to be placed here. Don’t worry, no one reads this blog so no one other than me will know if you lived up to it or not and no one listens to me anyway so your secret will be safe. I am just curious what types of resolutions are going to be broken next year.

My resolution is the following: to try my best to do everything exactly the same again this year. Now before you accuse me of having a cop out resolution you should remember some of my feats of this past year.

1. I quit smoking
2. I re-enrolled in school
3. I did not bounce as many checks this year as last
4. I kept blogging during those four months of total depression when I wanted to quit and am so happy I kept at it.
5. I am happy
6. I am alive
7. I am employed with a great job for great pay
8. I am loved by my family and friends

I would call that a very successful year overall and I would be stupid to try anything that would alter this path IMHO. I instead should do all I can to stay on this path and keep moving forward so that is my resolution. What’s yours?

On a side note, I have a question for everyone: what failed so horribly in my last post? Was it the dialogue? Was it the subject? Was it just stupid? Where did I lose you? How far did you get before you stopped reading? I really want to know because I always learn more from failure than success and that last post was a total and complete failure.

Friday, December 21, 2007


So yesterday VE and I both posted our “take” on the newest expectant member of the Spears clan and Serena asks a question that is the start to a dialogue I have been toying with. I believe this to be a sign that it is time to post the conversation and get some feed back on it.

Oh, it's Friday if you lost your calender.

“Do you dream in color?”

“Yes, but in black and white.”

“What do you mean? How can you dream of color if you dream in black and white?”

“I dream of the concept of color, not the application. “

“Of course.”

“Color, to me at least, adds emotion to objects usually devoid of sentimental attachment. The “little red wagon” of your childhood would not be so memorable if it were, say, black. Even saying “little black wagon” has a morbid feel to it; like a funeral procession for Barbie or something. It doesn't even flow; not in the mind or off the lips. I can dream of that little red wagon and still have my dream be free of color.”

“I see. Like food without taste maybe?”

“Not at all. There are many foods with either no taste or an unfavorable one that we still eat. If you don't believe me, think of the condiment industry and the money Heinz makes. How about gravy? Sauces? No, it is nothing like food with no taste. Nothing at all.”

“What then? How can you help me imagine the concept of color without the actual application of it?”

“A blind man can never know what “blue” is, right?”


“So therefore, while they can touch a vase and learn the shape and feel of one, they can never know the emotional response a blue vase would have over, say, a red one. They are losing a certain aspect of the experience. That is “black and white in a color world” if you will. What I am talking about is the exact opposite experience. Having the emotional response without ever really knowing the shape or feel of it. That is what I dream of at night.”

“No objects? NO people? No real things in your dreams? “

“No, just pure emotion. Flashes of color sometimes, maybe, but in shapeless abstraction and with a blinding white orb in the center. I think I am supposed to get to the other side of the orb one day, but I can't seem to figure out how. I suppose I will when its time. “

“Do you believe there is some meaning behind this orb or is this just some “Arthur C. Clarke type” anomaly?”

“You mean like in a “2001” sense”?”

“Yea, like in a “2001” sense. Could your “pure emotion” just be a dream of deep space? Could your orb be a planet? I'm starting to doubt you on your dream. At best this could be an out of body experience, but this “dreaming of color without color” nonsense is just telling me you really need to cut back on the pipe.”

“Dude, I am working on 100% pure unfiltered logic only right now my friend. I am a logic problem machine to the extreme in every way, shape, form, and way.”

“So you don't think there is even the slightest chance you are just being stoned and babbling again then?”

“No chance, its all there to see man. Right there in the open.”

“You really need to cut back.”

They had been going in circles like this for the last three hours, passing their blue glass bong the entire time. It was their microphone it seemed for they would only speak while holding it, then take a hit and pass it on for the response. They had forgotten the subject they were debating, and the one they were debating before that, and the subject before that. They only remembered that they did not agree and that was all they needed. A knock on the door was the only thing that could break the cycle and, luckily for the readers, one soon came.

“Was that you?” Oz asked. KB was right and he did smoke entirely too much.

“No, I think it was the door.” KB was not that much brighter than Oz however “Is the cat inside?”

“You think the cat's knocking on the door? And you want me to cut back?”

“No I don't think the cat's knocking on the door asshole. He could be inside and knocked something over.”

“In three rhythmic pounds?”

The knock on the door returned and this time it was “Shave and a Haircut.”

“Do cops knock in jovial rhythm?” Oz asked.

“What do you mean?” They were both huddled in a corner of the room and whispering to one another.

“Would you not consider 'Shave and a Haircut' jovial” Oz asked in a voice louder than a whisper, but not quite talking. “Do cops even knock?”

“Dude,” KB began realizing the security of their situation, “no, cops coming for us would not knock and there is even a lower chance of them knocking in a jovial fashion.”

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Oops, They Showed No Judgement Again

Britney Spears little sisters is preggers, but it gets better.

Britney Spears little sister is only 16, but it gets better.

Britney Spears little sister stars in a wholesome Nickelodeon show and is a role model to little girls between 9-14 everywhere, but it gets better.

Britney Spears little sister met her baby’s daddy at Church, but it gets better.

Britney Spears little sister’s baby’s daddy was supposedly 19 at the time, which could make this statutory rape, but it gets better.

Britney Spears little sister’s mother was in the process of releasing a book on how to raise children the Christian way, like she did.

Looking at Britney Spears and little sister I have to wonder how much of an expert mommy is on the subject of child raising. Child exploiting I am positive she is the Dali Lama of, but raising I honest can’t say. It does make me wonder how much of Britney's weirdness can really be blamed on the Brister and how much is a direct result of mommy dearest.

I forget the movie that said it, but the quote applies: you need a license to get married or to drive a car, but they let any asshole be a parent.

On a semi-related note, this is funny. Jessica Simpson worked (and failed) for years to get out from under the shadow of Britney. Now, Ashlee Simpson, Jessica's younger sister, who was releasing a major career re-start on December 19th is finding herself trapped under the shadow of Britney's little sister. December 19th is the day Britney's little sister announced. Isn't that ironic? Don't ya think?

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Dear Santa...

Serena, lemming superstar, posted this on her blog:If it's Tuesday, then it's time to Pimp Some Poetry and Vamp me some Verses. Today I'd like rhyming verses on "All I Want for Christmas Is..." I answered her request, but was unhappy with what I came up with at work... I mean at home after work. I always forget my boss reads this blog. Anyway, here is my real thing. I hope you like it.

Dear Mister Santa Claus,
I know this time of year is rough
But I have somethings to ask for
And I cannot emphasize enough
The importance of every detail
To my monumental Christmas Day request
And it's not to say I don't appreciate
Last year's olive and lavender silk vest
Its just that I know something,
Something that, if quite true
Could cause quite a bit of damage to the rep
Of a Saintly person-type person, like you
Now the details are kind of fuzzy
But this still is a laugh riot
Cause it seems that dear Saint Nick
You are a toy making pirate
The toys you make all year
In your sweatshop of a store
All have brand names you don't own
And I have plenty more
Those elves who you work,
Who slave day and night
Are really just “bad” kids
Or those who didn't sit on your lap just right
Oh the shame it would cause
If ever this got out
The children would cry
So the parents would pout
And all this distress
would add to the suicide rate
And the lawsuits would come in
Too fast to contemplate
So I think it would be best
If, between just you and me
I get what I asked for
And that's the last you'll hear from me

Monday, December 17, 2007

R.I.P. Dan Fogelberg

You were a living legacy to the leader of the band...

In Defense of Last Night's Rant

In support of yesterday’s controversial rant point of view comes an article in today’s New York Times about Mike Huckabee’s supporters. I could not come up with a better example of someone who should NOT vote.

“I have not been super-active in politics over the years, and so I am not current with all the issues and position papers…But with Mike Huckabee, I know he’s a Christian. So I know he sees the world the way I see it.”

I left the name of the person who said it out because it is not my place to call this person out, but the article can be found right here.

Here is another winner of a quote from another person:
“Beyond all that, a lot of people are tired of the fact that we can’t say Merry Christmas any more, and that ‘God’ is removed from every public place…Here’s a guy, Mike Huckabee, who comes along, and he’s not mad about anything, but he’s just saying, ‘Hey, let’s take another look at what’s happening here.’”

We are electing a political leader for this country, not a spiritual guide or moral compass. If you cannot be bothered to learn something about politics then your opinion about politics does not matter and should not count. Bush already served two terms because these people felt the same way about Bush that they feel about Huckabee and look at all the damage Bush has wrought.

Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Can I call these people insane yet?

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Voting Rant -OR- I Can't Think of a Decent Title

It is Sunday so it must be time for “Kanrei's Rant.” That weekly douche for the mind of our favorite tinfoil cap wearing Lemming. So, without further procrastination, here's Kanrei

(Insert theme music here)
Don't want to be an American idiot.
One nation controlled by the media.
Information age of hysteria.
It's calling out to idiot America.

Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alien nation.
Where everything isn't meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We're not the ones who're meant to follow.
For that's enough to argue.
Green Day's American Idiot

Today's rant is less of an actual rant and more of a plea; a plea for my country. You see, we are entering election season with the Iowa caucus happening any day now (I am too lazy to look up the date) and there are or will be commercials on television every few minutes reminding you to do your civic duty and vote. While true, it is only part of the entire “civic duty” requirement. The other part is research, homework, listening and analyzing, weighing consequences and values, and deciding something on your own for an entire nation.

Those commercials telling you to vote are wrong and I am here to beg you not to vote if any of the following are you:

I don't care who wins, they are all the same
I don't really know who is running.
I always vote “blank” (either Republican or Democrat regardless of who they run)
I don't know that much about the issues
Is there an election coming this year already
Which one will cut my taxes
I will vote for whom the L-rd tells me to vote for
I vote for the one I like as a person more
I vote for who my friends vote for

On bended knee I am begging you not to vote if any of these sound like something you would say. Elections are too important of a matter to be left to random chance and public relation firms. Honestly, if a commercial can sway your vote then please, for the love of G-d, don't vote.

OK.....while we usually disavow knowledge of Kanrei's rant, this time we must stress that these opinions are his and, quite often, his alone. They certainly do not in any way, shape, or form reflect the views of KHWL's staff, advertisers, listeners, or detractors. We must apologize for allowing him on the air without eating something first.

You are listening to KHWL and the time is forty-three minutes after the hour.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Friday on KHWL: Ho Ho Ho and Ha Ha Ha

Hello and welcome back. You are listening to KHWL on the Blogger dial and the current Lemming News Time is forty-nine minutes after the hour which means its time for “It’s Friday!” KHWL’s weekly round up of the week and celebration of the weekend to come. And now, here’s your host: Kanrei

(crickets chirping)

Hello and thank you. Please, sit down. A stand ovation is just too much, well, ok, just for a few more seconds. Thank you, thank you. No, you rock and I mean that sincerely. Yes, yes, thank you. I love you too.

So, here we are at Friday once again and now is that time where the fun really begins. You see, we are now a little over just one week away from Christmas and tis the season to stress and worry, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la. I am not sure what the “Tickle Me Elmo” of 2007 is, but I can guarantee that there are exactly fifteen thousand more parents shopping for it than there are “it” on the shelves. I think I may go to Toys R Us this weekend, not to buy anything, but to enjoy the carnage. Joy to the world and peace on Earth, but the toy isle at Target is every man for himself.

Now then, I know all my fellow Lemmings got their shopping done long ago and will not be suffering this weekend in the rush. This is why I can happily enjoy the chaos. It imagine it will be quite a bit like the day before a hurricane hits Miami: long lines of humorless people waiting to purchase what they can since what they came for sold out long ago. I usually go enjoy the chaos then as well since I know those secret stores that always have what I want. Kind of like with Christmas shopping: I never panic because I know those secret stores that always stocked with everything I want. Well, that and I don’t know many people so my gift list is really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really short.

Have a great weekend. I did have a political thing on my mind, but we can save that for another day. This is Friday after all.

KHWL Lemming News Time is one minute after the hour.


I feel I should apologize if I offended anyone's beliefs with yesterday's rant. I am afraid of heights and it should seem obvious that an acrophobic should avoid the proverbial high-horse, but I tend to see the tiny details and miss the big picture. I think the expression is something like “can't see the forest for the trees” or something like that. Either way, I am sorry if I offended anyone.

Why the need to apologize?

Well, there is one paragraph that bothered me before I posted yesterday's rant, but laziness forced me to keep it in. I was then going to take it out later in the day, but felt that would be censoring myself, so an update would be in order. I tried an update, but the warning before the post I knew would keep people from reading it and one after the fact would kind of defeat the purpose of a warning.

The following program contained graphic depictions of violence and intimate details of both hetero and homosexual activites. Children should have been cleared from the room; hopefully long before that scene with Santa and the Easter Bunny...

I am going to have to apologize for that “Santa and the Easter Bunny” crack tomorrow, aren't I? Anyway, I posted “Oh, and for the record, Jesus was killed by the Romans (the place the Catholic Church is based out of)” in a post that was celebrating the actions of a Muslim kid who rose to defend a Jewish couple being attacked in a subway. In my celebration, I took things a tad bit too far.

Kanrei, you are being silly here. There is no need to apologize for that.

Yes, there is actually. There is a slight “Catholic bash” in that sentence that I did not feel when I wrote it nor did I notice it; the paragraph was just not sitting right with my conscious when it bothered me. It wasn't until re-reading my post hours later that I noticed exactly what it was that was bothering me. It seems in my being so happy that one faith stood up for another faith that the cliché dictates must hate each other that I then infered the Catholics killed Jesus. You may not have seen that there, but I do and it bothers me greatly. I rant and rave against all these people who put their beliefs above other's in importance and here I am doing the exact same thing.

I am honestly sorry if I offended your faith, particularly at this time of year when we should be coming together.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

A Christmas Miracle

It is everywhere and it deserves to be everywhere so now it is here as well: Hassan Askari is a hero and an “Honorary Lemming.” Well, his being named “Honorary Lemming” is not everywhere (although it should be), but the fact that this man is a hero is everywhere. In a world (I am sounding like that “movie announcer guy”) where Muslim villains hating Jews for being Jewish is par for the course comes a story of a Muslim youth defending a group of Jews being attacked by Christians. We have officially jumped the shark folks.

Dear G-d,
Sorry to disturb you,
But I feel that I should be heard loud and clear.
We all need a big reduction in amount of tears,
And all the people that you made in your image,
See them fighting in the street,
cause they cant make opinions meet,
About G-d,
I cant believe in you.

XTC's Dear G-d

The “War on Christmas” has finally been exposed for what it is: a War BY Christmas. I have spoken here about how “Merry Christmas” is the new “Fuck You” and a story in the New York Post shows this tragically clearly.

It all began when Adler, his girlfriend, Maria Parsheva, and two other pals boarded the subway at Canal Street bound for Brooklyn and someone in another group wished them "Merry Christmas."
Adler and his pal Angelica Krischanovich responded: "Happy Hanukkah."
Apparently, those were fighting words.
"They just came at us so fast. The first thing that came into my mind was, 'Yeah, this is going to be violent,' " said Parsheva, 20.
One of the group immediately hiked up his sleeve to reveal a tattoo of Christ.
"He said, 'Happy Hanukkah, that's when the Jews killed Jesus,' " said Adler.
The group of about 14 men and women then allegedly began taunting Adler and his pals as "dirty Jews" and "Jew bitches."
Amid a huge scrum, Askari jumped in.
"I'm bleeding all over the place, there's lots of people, they're fighting with Hassan still, and I'm like, why isn't anyone else doing anything?" Adler said.
He pulled the emergency brake right before entering the DeKalb Avenue station.
Police came aboard and arrested 10 people, charging six with assault and four with unlawful assembly.

This is so clearly a symptom of all this weight placed not upon whether our faith is right for us, but whether or not another shares our faith. Jesus, who celebrated Hanukah by the way and died Jewish, came to Earth, according to Christians, to spread love. Love is never located in your fists.

Now you re punching
And you re kicking
And you re shouting at me
And I'm relying on your common decency
So far it hasn't surfaced
But I'm sure it exists
It just takes a while to travel
From your head to your fist (head to your fists)
-Depeche Mode's People are People

Oh, and for the record, Jesus was killed by the Romans (the place the Catholic Church is based out of) not the Jews and it was on Passover, not Hanukkah. I don’t mind intelligent hate, but this ignorant hate is just too much to handle. I can discuss differences with the intelligent. I can only run so fast from the stupid.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas;
Soon the bells will start,
And the thing that will make them ring is the carol that you sing
Right within your heart.

Johnny Mathis' It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

Thanks again to Hassan Askari who rose above those petty differences of faith and showed that when push comes to shove, the basics are all the same: love your brother.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Bonus Hump-Day Rant

It is perfectly safe to throw stones once your glass house is shattered and good old Mike Huckabee is happily tossing boulders from his shell of an abode. His release of a rapist as Governor of Arkansas and his 1992 desire to segregate people with AIDS are damaging enough to his campaign, but now stating that Mormons believe Jesus and the Devil are brothers is just wonderful. Obviously, a world where Muslims and Jews and Christians constantly try to off each other is not enough for this “preacher”. No, he wants to return to the good old days of Catholic vs. Protestant and Christian against Mormon. Infighting is the way of the future and the future is now!

No longer is simply accepting Christ as your personal savior enough to get you into the Promised Land. Sorry to all my fellow Jews out there seeking to be perfected. You see, you need to also decide what flavor of savior is the right one. Jesus Christ is the product, much like a television or a radio, but pick the wrong brand and you are screwed. Sorry Sony, the correct answer was Magnavox. The warranty you bought for this Jesus only gets you out of Hell. To actually enter the Kingdom of G-d, you need to buy this Jesus. Order now and we will include a Saint and two Angels at no extra cost.

Maybe it is just that Rudy and Mitt got so much attention for their lover’s spat that Mike just wants in. Maybe Preacher Mike is getting confused thinking a Chuck Norris endorsement makes him tough through osmosis. I am not sure, but I do know to judge a man not by his words, but by his actions. Preacher Huckabee so far does not seem like a man of G-d to me, or, at the very least, not like a man of a G-d worthy of being worshipped. He must have read his bible sometime in becoming a preacher, so I wonder how he missed “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Quick Humor Moment and 100% True Story

The scene: a hallway in my office
The characters: myself and a female co-worker

Female: Brad, I need to know where to find…what’s it called?

Brad: I don’t know

Female: It’s that thing you put more things on…

Brad: Ok…

Female: Do you know where to find a….you put songs and stuff on it…

Brad: A MP3 player?

Female: No, it’s for your computer. Do you know where to find a… fuck?

Brad: If I knew where to find a fuck, I would be much happier person.

The words she was struggling for were “external hard drive.”

The moral of the story: I have a very quick and fairly dirty mind most days so be careful what exactly you ask me.

PS- You may have noticed nothing here about the Colorado Church shootings yet. There is a simple reason for this- I cannot find the names of the victims anywhere. I can find the name of the shooter in about 1,000 different places, but not one name of those who matter; the dead. Policy here at the Lemming House is to never print the name of a murdering fame seeking prick who should have used the first bullet on himself. My prayers to everyone who suffered a loss by this asshole. A place of worship is supposed to be a refuge from the threats of daily life.

Monday, December 10, 2007

I Was Right? Is the World Ending or Something?

Vindication baby! I talk out of my ass so often that I do sometimes wonder if I am contributing to global warming, but today two of my thoughts have been vindicated and I am ecstatic! One through a photo and the other through a single person in Australia, but it’s a start and I will gladly take it.

First, in some weird cosmic synchronicity, this photo appeared in the New York Times showing a large group of people who have lost their jobs due to a prolonged and increasingly petty writer’s strike. It was just last night (I had no idea this photo existed) that I dedicated my “Kanrei’s Sunday Rant” to this very subject and POW, today I get an image to go with my words.

Secondly, I have been constantly fighting with everyone and usually their mothers that the leading cause of carbon emissions are humans. I have said that two people having one child is negative population growth, two people with two children is no growth and two people with three or more is positive population growth. People breathe out CO2, the leading cause of global warming so naturally more people would mean an increase in these gases. Add to it that trees are removed to make room for these new people and trees are one of the few things that filters CO2 from the air if I remember 8th grade correctly and you have a problem; simple logic, right? Today Associate Professor Barry Walters wrote in the Medical Journal of Australia that people with more than two children should be taxed more, not credited to help reduce global warming.

"Every newborn baby in Australia represents a potent source of greenhouse gas emissions for an average of 80 years, not simply by breathing but by the profligate consumption of resources typical of our society."

"Far from showering financial booty on new mothers and rewarding greenhouse-unfriendly behaviour, a 'baby levy' in the form of a carbon tax should apply, in line with the 'polluter pays' principle."

According to Professor Walters, the average Australian contributes 17 metric tons of CO2 yearly. Now multiply that by about 7 billion and the answer should be clear. Anyone serious about global warming, in my opinion, should have less children and support sex education and birth control as well as all the anti-corporation actions Mr Gore and the others desire of you. The solution honestly will lie somewhere in the middle, as it always does.

Now, if I were you, I would wrap up any business you may have because a comet or something is going to destroy us all. Maybe GWB will push the button; I can't say, but when the world is agreeing with yours truly, I would fear for my life.

(Title on Strike)

Update/ Correction-An important correction to Kanrei's original entry is that gaffers, make-up artists, costumers, cameramen etc DO have their own unions - posted by NYC PA Thanks for the correction.

Hello and welcome back to KHWL on the Blogger dial. My name is Kanrei and I am forced to introduce myself today because Ed, the announcer guy has gone on a sympathy strike in support of the Lemmings who still have yet to go over the cliff. I wish I could tell you exactly how long the strike has gone on, but my fact checker has gone on strike in support of my announcer guy. I also will not be taking any calls for a little while because my call screener has gone on strike to support his sisters in the fact checking department, but that one really doesn't hurt all that much considering my caller has gone on strike to show unity with the call screener who is striking to support the fact checking sisterhood (just trying to get laid if you ask me, but you didn't hear that here) who are striking to support the announcer guy who will not introduce me until the Lemmings go over the cliff. And why are the Lemmings striking anyway? I can't tell you that... their reason, it seems, has gone on strike.

Now, on with today's rant.

(Theme music on strike so please hum something catchy here)

Ironically, today's rant has to do with the current writer's strike and why I have slowly begun to switch sides in the fight. I am going to apologize in advance for any offense I may create by defending my newly growing position, but I really am starting not to support the studios per say, but I am having a very hard time supporting the writers.

It is ironic to me that “liberal guilt” is what is driving me to not support the strike, but that seems to be the primary thorn sticking in my paw when I tried to march for the writer's. You see, their quest for a percent or two is literally destroying numerous families at this time of year and, because these people have no union, their stories are going untold.

A show or movie take a tad bit more than a writer, a producer, actors, and a studio to create; read a credit roll some time instead of rushing out to your car sometime and you will see how many people it takes. And these people, these hundreds of low wage earners are now unemployed, or, more correctly, fired for the holiday season. The writer's will not work and the studios cannot afford to pay the masses for nothing.

Looking at it from a more distant view point, what about all those businesses in Los Angeles that these gaffers, make-up artists, assistants, set designers, and such frequent? I am sure these people are eating out quite a bit less considering the strike is now looking endless which means their employment hopes in their chosen field are rather slim right now.

Now for the possible offensive part. I really do not mean to belittle the writers considering I do consider myself one. OK...

While film writers do have a point when it comes to getting a cut from the profits of their work, it is a different story with the “studio pool” writers in my humble opinion. They are hired by the studio to write. What they write is sometimes their choice, but sometimes not. They are performing the task to which they were hired. They were paid for performing said task. Anything more is up to the discretion of their employers. For example:

I wrote the company news letter for where I work. I designed it, did all the research for it, wrote the stories, and published it. That was my job and I was paid to do it, but, when push comes to shove, my boss owns all that I produced. I can include it in a portfolio of my work, but, if he were to sell those articles to some other company, I am not entitled to one cent of it. I would hope I would see something for it and would be hurt if I didn't, but I really am not “entitled” to any of it.

I would really like to hear your perspectives on this. We are all either writers in reality or fantasy and this is an issue that will play into all of our futures if all goes well.

You are listening to KHWL and I can't tell you what time it is right now because my clock has just gone on strike in support of the callers who are showing unity with the call screener who is trying to get laid by the striking fact checker who is supporting my announcer guy who just wants the Lemmings to go over the cliff already.

Whew, that is getting hard to say. Of course, if my readers are on strike then I just babbled to myself. Does that mean I am going insane? Who am I asking?

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Prayers to Omaha

An unimportant, worthless asshole went on a shooting rampage in an Omaha, Nebraska mall Wednesday and killed nine people, including himself. His suicide note declared his desire for fame as a reason for this stupid and selfish act. As usual, his name will never ever appear on this blog, but the names of those unlucky enough to have encountered this pathetic waste of sperm shall be immortalized here as they should be everywhere this story is reported on. Screw the guy who did it. Forget him and remember those we lost; especially at this time of year.

Gary Scharf, 48, a customer and resident of Lincoln
John McDonald, 65, a customer and resident of Council Bluffs, Iowa
Angie Schuster, 36, an employee
Maggie Webb, 24, an employee
Janet Jorgenson, 66, an employee
Diane Trent, 53, an employee
Gary Joy, 56, an employee
Beverly Flynn, 47, an employee

The names are from KETV Omaha's website. Please visit the site to learn a little about them.

Rest in Peace and my prayers to your families.

It's (Not) Friday Still

Guess what- it’s not Wednesday either. That last one I myself just found out, a full two hours into my work day. How exactly did I do those first two hours thinking it was yesterday anyway? One would think I would notice the date on that calendar I use as a vital part of my daily chores. You know, like finding out how many patients there are tonight and how many techs will be needed. Somehow I seemed to have gotten it all done correctly while still ignoring that “Thursday, December 6” at the top of my page.

“So, if today is in fact Thursday, why the hell are you doing your Friday post today?”

Tomorrow is our Christmas party and I will be otherwise occupied during that window of opportunity that allows me to do “It’s Friday.” I suppose I could blog from the party, but I have no laptop and borrowing my mother’s blackberry, while an option, is just not that Smurfy of a way to blog. Thumb-cramps and all ya know…

So, what is on my mind today? Nothing actually. Nada. The big zero. There may be a tumbleweed rolling around somewhere in my mind, but that is about it. I cannot even think of any clever way to work Kiefer Sutherland, star of 24, getting 48 days in jail for DUI. I know there is a joke there and I am positive VE has already thought of it and worked into one of his brilliant song parodies, but I’ll be damned if I can see it just yet. It’s probably just too early for me to be blogging. My mind is still asleep I think. The joke will come to me at a moment when there is no computer anywhere near me. It always works out that way.

Happy Weekend everyone!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Additional to Last Post

I wanted to include this, but I could not remember the name of the song I took the title of my post from until now. Consider this your basic "same shit, different day" kind of post.

I dedicate this to the President and his impressive ability to look a fact in the eye and make the fact blink.

Cross-eyed and Painless
By the Talking Heads
Lost my shape-Trying to act casual!
Can't stop-I might end up in the hospital
I'm changing my shape-I feel like an accident
They're back!-To explain their experience

Isn't it weird/Looks too obscure to me
Wasting away/And that was their policy

I'm ready to leave-I push the fact in front of me
Facts lost-Facts are never what they seem to be
Nothing there!-No information left of any kind
Lifting my head-Looking for danger signs

There was a line/There was a formula
Sharp as a knife/Facts cut a hole in us
There was a line/There was a formula
Sharp as a knife/Facts cut a hole in us

I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...
I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...
I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...
The feeling returns/Whenever we close out eyes
Lifting my head/looking around inside

The island of doubt-It's like the taste of medicine
Working by hindsight-Got the message from the oxygen
Making a list-Find the cost of opportunity
Doing it right-Facts are useless in emergencies

The feeling returns/Whenever we close out eyes
Lifting my head/Looking around inside.

Facts are simple and facts are straight
Facts are lazy and facts are late
Facts all come with points of view
Facts don't do what I want them to
Facts just twist the truth around
Facts are living turned inside out
Facts are getting the best of them
Facts are nothing on the face of things
Facts don't stain the furniture
Facts go out and slam the door
Facts are written all over your face
Facts continue to change their shape

I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...
I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...
I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...

Good Ole' Talking Heads really knew how to sum things up abstractly, huh?

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Facts Are Simple and Easy to Abuse

We went to war in Iraq because of their WMDs. After the overthrow of Saddam and no WMDs were found, Bush said it did not matter.

Today, reports come out that Iran not only has no active nuclear program, but that they ended what program they did have years ago. Bush has stated Iran's nuclear program as a growing threat to the world as recently as today, in response to this very report.

"I have said Iran is dangerous, and the NIE doesn't do anything to change my opinion about the danger Iran poses to the world."

"I view this report as a warning signal that they had the program, they halted the program...The reason why it's a warning signal is they could restart it."

What can you do when your President thinks his beliefs are above the facts? Ya know, like Rove saying Congress rushed Bush to war. It would be funny if it weren't my reality they were screwing around with.

Remember, North Korea has been working on the "Nuke Question" since before the war in Iraq. So far, only one country in the Axis of Evil is living up to its name and we, so far, have ignored it. Isn't that ironic? Don't ya think?

P.S.-Bush picture found at I am not endorsing the website so much as I am worried about not properly crediting the artist for their work. We don't want or need an Cartoonist's Strike on our hands after all.

P.P.S.- Man, it feels good to use that "Political" tag again.


So this is what “Post Number Five Hundred” feels like. Not really much different than “Post Number Four Hundred Ninety-Nine” to be perfectly honest. I imagine the next couple of posts, perhaps even the next fifty or so, will feel pretty much the same.

I imagine I will stop keeping count for a time now that a landmark has been reached. Free from numbers, they will once again be simply posts and not steps towards a goal. They will return to a rambling flow from a subconscious grown bored by a stagnate reality and then one day, I will find myself looking back at “Post Number Five Hundred” with longing and nostalgia.

I will wonder what it must have felt like to achieve five hundred posts. I will tell myself that I hope I took time out to acknowledge such a milestone for a person who quits most everything he has ever tried that he did not get instant success. In fact, success is still that carrot dangling in front of this jackass behind the keyboard.

I guess five hundred posts is much like a birthday. You don't really feel it until a long time has passed and, once you realize its gone, you ache to feel what it was like just once. What is the old expression: youth is wasted on the young?

Thank you for inspiring me, prodding me, and believing in me for the last 500 posts and for the next 500 to come.

KHWL Lemming-time: fifteen minutes after the hour.

And now, for something completely different...

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Post 499 -OR- Tis The Season, Bah Humbug

KHWL is proud to present: Kanrei's Rant. A weekly feature where our very own lemming extraordinaire, Kanrei, will take requests throughout the week for subjects that bother you beyond words, and, on Sunday night, will create a complaining, bitching, ranting, raving, hollering, foaming work of art for your enjoyment. Hey, if a piece of tin welded to an umbrella next to a bucket of piss can be art, then so can these rants, regardless of their quality.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for Kanrei's Rant.

(insert theme music here)
Tis the season to fain neglect
Fa-la-la, la-la, la-la, la, la
My holiday doesn't get enough respect
Wah-wa-wa, wah-wa, wah-wah, wa, wa.
Sure there are others
But they don't matter
Cause mine is the one that I like best
So stop your whining
And join my party
Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha, Haaaaaaaaa!

Yes, that's right, it is my former favorite time of year once again. I loved “free stuff days” as my adolescent self would call them: the Hanukkah and Christmas season. Everyone always perked up around this time of year. Adults enjoyed a relatively lower work load while children dreamed year round of getting that great new bike and having two weeks free from school in which to enjoy it. Then it all changed...

Suddenly, without warning, a war was declared from out of nowhere. This was a war where the only people who seemed to be aware of it were those who felt themselves persecuted by it. There were no casualties as a result of this supposed war, but there have been many since the perceived persecuted have decided to fight back against all enemies; particularly those imagined. Now, because of this, “Merry Christmas” has become the seasonal way of saying “F*ck You” today instead of the warm greeting it once was.

In every parking lot in America today, I personally guarantee that there is, at any given time, at least one car boasting “The Reason for the Season.” Where we once looked at the many faiths as simply many paths to the same place, we now view even acknowledging another faith as a threat to our very own survival. There cannot be any other holiday during any given season- plain and simple. My faith is the right one and, therefore, any other holiday is an offense to my G-d because, in spite of being omniscient and omnipresent, He is very insecure and needs constant reassuring. I worship my G-d because He needs me; supernatural co-dependence compounded with father abandonment issues I would guess, but this way is easier. As long as I see some threat that I must fight against, I can ignore those pesky day-to-day details of my life that haunt my dreams at night.

Two simple questions:

1.If G-d is as powerful as you proclaim, then does He really need you to attack the other faiths? If they really bug Him that much then I am sure He could do something about it.

2.Is any G-d so insecure that He needs a steady stream of reassuring from His followers really worthy of unquestioning devotion?

Ramadan vs Christmas, Ramadan vs Hanukkah, Christmas vs Quanza, It is all pointless and destroys the one central theme to all the holidays of this season- peace on Earth and goodwill towards man.

What we need, and quickly, is the return of the classic Coke commercial from my childhood because “I would like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. I'd like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company."

Is it a coincidence that this ad faded away and the the world went insane?

The views expressed here are those of Kanrei and do not necessarily reflect those of the owners, staff, or advertisers of KHWL.

Be It Ever So Humble..

A lemming takes a vacation a tad bit differently than most people do. When a lemming decides to take a substantial time off from work, a rare feat at that, he tends to take the vacation from all his usual activities in addition to those work related. If he tends to drive a great deal during his normal life for example, he may choose to avoid cars for the length of his vacation. I hope that lemming lives in a small town, but it can be done. I had no car the year I lived in Boulder and got along just dandy. This is the reason I have not updated my blog in, what is it now, eleven days?

I plan to have a new rant for tomorrow night, so I would expect it when you wake up Monday morning. I hope you all had a great turkey day. I did miss you all, but it would hardly be a real vacation if I blogged during it. A vacation is a vacation from all you do, not just parts.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007


I forgot to tell you and I am so sorry about it. I got too excited I suppose and it simply slipped my mind, but I am taking this week off- from work, news, stress, and blogging. I will return this Sunday, fully rested and ready to tackle anything reality may throw my way. I hope you had a great turkey day and I will see all of you next week.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Post #496 -OR- Lemming Strike Field Report

This is Kanrei with a KHWL “Lemming Strike” update. The current time is twenty minutes after the hour and we are about to begin day two of the strike

Tension could not be higher at the moment. The two sides are bitterly split apart with what appears, right now at least, to be an insurmountable difference of opinion. I honestly think this strike could very well extend way past breakfast and, possibly even into lunch. Dinner is currently paying very close attention to this situation as it seems to be growing by the moment.

Hi Kanrei, first time listener, long time caller....(laughs)I mean first time caller, long time listener. Sorry about that. I'm nervous right now.

Hi and thanks for calling. I was unaware we were actually taking calls right now. I was kinda under the impression this was a news report, but as long as you are on the air, you might as well go ahead and ask away.

Thanks. Am I on the air?

Would you like to start again?

No thanks, just let me know when we are on the air please.

We are, have been, and FCC allowing, will be on the air for some time to come. Your thoughts, or lack there of, are currently bouncing about with the confines of about three people's heads at this very moment. Care to impart upon them the depths of your wisdom?

Three whole people?

Cute. Do you have any actual questions or has an ex-girlfriend put you up to this?

No, no...I have a question. Sorry about that. Do the lemmings have any actual demands or is this just a strike out of sheer boredom?

Damn good question.

Thank you. I really hope you have a damn good answer or else the readers are going to be rather pissed at this.

(Gulps)They have one demand; well, one demand with two parts. They want “shorter cliffs and they want mattresses or trampolines at the base of said cliffs.”

That is it? It seems so petty.

Well, to be honest, these demands came after the strike began. Seems they were picketing a little too close to the cliffs and, well, once one fell over the edge...let's just say there are far fewer lemmings in line tonight than there were this morning. Thus, the mattress demand.

So then why were they striking in the first place exactly?

They're lemmings. They heard about the Writer's strike and the French transport unions' strike, and the Broadway stagehand strike, and the CBS news writer's strike: they had no choice but to strike. To quote someone on the line, "It just seemed like the thing to do."

Besides, I needed something to blog about.

Well, thank you for that report and your honesty Kanrei. This is KHWL on the Blogger dial and the time is thirty-seven minutes after the hour. Stay tuned for a very special Wednesday Thanksgiving edition of "It's Friday" coming later today on most of these screens.

Hey! This is my blog and my show and I sign off.

Hello? Heellllllllloooooooo.....

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Post #495 -OR- (can't finish, on strike)

My Dear Fellow Bloggers,

I think the time has come for us to strike. Against whom? Does it matter really? We are bloggers and mostly work for ourselves, so I suppose I propose we strike against ourselves. I am pretty sure there is some degree, however small, of self-loathing within us all. Do we, as writers, really want to work for someone who loathes us from time to time?

How many times have you poured your heart out onto the blank screen just to have yourself tell you that it was total crap and delete it before your very eyes? Don’t you deserve better treatment from your employer than that? You are working and slaving, developing carpal tunnel at the least for no pay and all they can say is “that’s total crap, start again.” Screw that!

How many hours a day do you spend with your blogging employer? I tend to spend, on average, 24 hours a day with mine; every day. A full 365 days a years I spend sharing air, space, and even skin with mine; 366 in a leap year and I don’t even get overtime pay for that extra day every four years! Mine even will wake me up in the middle of the night if he gets some problem on his mind. That is beyond what I signed up for as a blogger damnit!

The time has come to join our brethren from the Writer’s Guild of America, the Broadway stage hands, the CBS news writing staff, and the French civil servants and start a blogging strike!

I, of course, will not be joining you in this strike however. Someone needs to keep the public informed of our demands and progress and I am volunteering to take that job. I will keep on blogging, my brethren, so that you can raise the awareness of all we suffer through to provide entertainment to the tens of people who stop by for the seconds a day to see what we are babbling about this time.

Strike hard, my blogging brethren; strike while the iron’s hot (whatever that means in this context). I support you and will begrudgingly keep your readers entertained while you walk the line. We are in this together.

Love Always,

Monday, November 19, 2007

494 -OR- Squeeze it Once in Memory

First the Marlboro man, then the "Where's the beef?" lady, then the "time to make the doughnuts" guy, and now the "don't squeeze the Charmin" man. These characters are as much a part of our youth as any character we encountered in our lives, in some ways more because we saw them so much more often.

R.I.P. Dick Wilson, AKA "Mr. Whipple." Say "hi" to the "you're soaking in it" lady and let her know we will miss you all.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Post #493 -OR- "One Company to Rule Them All"

KHWL is proud to present: Kanrei's Rant. A weekly feature where our very own lemming extraordinaire, Kanrei, will take requests throughout the week for subjects that bother you beyond words, and, on Sunday night, will create a complaining, bitching, ranting, raving, hollering, foaming work of art for your enjoyment. Hey, if a piece of tin welded to an umbrella next to a bucket of piss can be art, then so can these rants, regardless of their quality.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for Kanrei's Rant.

(insert theme music here -Grateful Dead's Brown-Eyed Women)
Gone are the days when the ox fall down
he'd take up the yoke and plow the fields around
Gone are the days when the ladies said "please,
gently Jack Jones won't you come to me?"

Brown eyed women and red grenadine
the bottle was dusty but the liquor was clean
Sound of the thunder with the rain pouring down
and it looks like the old man's getting on

When I was younger...stupid way to start actually. The fact that I am starting this in the past tense implies I was younger than I am today when the events I am about to discuss took place. That is, unless I am from Ork like Mork was. Remember when Johnathan Winters came on the show as Mork and Mindy's son? He was an old man because people from Ork were born as old people and grow younger as they mature. The concept of a reverse planet also was a major factor in Red Dwarf's overall plot as well, but I don't want to ruin that story for any of you. I will now officially start over.

Kanrei's Warm-Up Rant, take two. And.....action!

Growing up as a youth....can I start again? This is as bad a beginning as the first one for the exact same reasons.

Kanrei's Warm-Up Rant, take (sigh) three. And...action!

There are so many reasons I feel badly for the youth of today. I realize this statement alone officially makes me an “old person” (please sign me up for AARP as quickly as possible), but it is true. And this is not because they can't play with toy guns any longer thanks to Columbine; or make crank calls thanks to caller id; or even ride their bike miles from home just to explore without fear of the dirty old man in the windowless white van. While all good reasons, none of them fully captures the reason why I feel so badly for the youth of today.

When I was growing up, I watched the “Skipper Chuck” show religiously. He was quite possibly my first real non-family role model.

Who is Skipper Chuck?

To this day I can't look at three fingers without thinking and sometimes singing “peace, love and happiness/ peace love and happiness.”

Great, but who is “Skipper Chuck?”

Everything my parents taught me was reinforced in the lessons Skipper Chuck taught us each day.

I am honestly and deeply so very happy for this deeply felt and obviously very important to you childhood memory, but who exactly is “Skipper Chuck” already, please?

My mother watched Skipper Chuck when she was a child as well.

Oh for Christ's sake already, who the f*&k is “Skipper Chuck”or I am going to stop reading right here and now?!

The “Skipper Chuck Show” was a south Florida institution for generations. Chuck Zink, AKA the "Skipper", was a third parent for every child raised down here between 1957-79. I am positive there was a local children's show where you were once upon a time. Think of him as our very own Bozo the Clown (without the creepy clown stuff). Wikipedia actually does a good job with describing the show, better than I can, so click here for more information.

This rant is not a tribute to Skipper Chuck. I was using my memories of him to illustrate a point- local programing is dead and buried. It is an extinct animal; an antiquated memory; a relic. The life blood of a community is slow fading away before our very eyes and somehow we are cheering it on. Clear Channel, Comcast, AT&T- forget politicians because these are the people who make or break policy. Every bill has pork attached to it, but we only become outraged over the pork “they” tell us about.

Think about it; it is almost as if the news “punishes” the politicians when they don't get their way by informing us of what is really going on. As a reward for keeping the dirty secrets, they are receive such gifts as the end of media ownership laws allowing even greater control by the few over the many and a relaxing if not outright killing of the Fairness Doctrine.

Oh, sure, the politicians do strike back from time to time. Remember Janet Jackson's “wardrobe malfunction” as a example of that, but these example are not only few and far between, but also almost exclusively aimed at those on the left. CBS had Dan Rather and was owned by Viacom, the company that also owned Simon and Schuster who were publishing a string of anti-Bush books around the exact same time!

Sorry about that brief political rant. Old habits die hard, but I am not going at the corporate takeover of America from a political perspective. I am more concerned with the end of a local community and the growth “acceptable” entertainment and news. The more control one company has over everything, the more we lose out on. We lose voices and beliefs not deemed acceptable by the major corporation. We lose the freedom to be who we are and, instead, find that success only finds those who conform to the corporation's views of what is right.

Today's children are, for example, spoon, force fed a steady diet of Barney and other corporate sponsored toy tie-in, easy product placement shows. There is no sign of finding who YOU are in these shows, but rather displaying how a “typical American” child should look like, sound like, and be like. Southern accents are now synonymous with being stupid; a New York accent means lower class or future criminal. Children who do not see people like themselves on television could and possibly will begin to think they are freaks and will try anything to conform to what they think is “normal.” They will also begin to divide themselves into groups that share this belief and those that don't.

Corporations are out to make money first and foremost. They will program based on national studies and cost analysis studies and not based on the local community and what is normal for there. A focus on what the nation need, I feel, makes it harder if not impossible to see what a community needs. There must always be a place for the local voice in the media and that voice is slowly catching laryngitis as the Clear Channels and the Comcasts continue their cost effective transformation of the broadcasting horizon.

Right now, the FCC is looking into relaxing the “one company to rule them all” laws and allow Clear Channel to take even more control of what you see and hear. There is something you can do about it if you feel the need. Contact your Congress people (both houses) and tell them to support the “Media Ownership Act of 2007.” Click HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION ON THIS BILL.

The views expressed here are those of Kanrei and do not necessarily reflect those of the owners, staff, or advertisers of KHWL.

KHWL newstime- 2 minutes after the hour. Now, time for news and weather.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Post # 492 -OR- It's Friday and 8 Posts Until #500

Hello and welcome back. You are listening to KHWL here on the Blogger dial. It is fifty-nine minutes after the hour which means its time for “It’s Friday.”

(insert It’s Friday theme music here)
I don't care if Monday's blue
Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too
Thursday I don't care about you
It's Friday, I'm in love

The requests for Sunday’s Rant are coming in faster than I expected and so far are also much better than I expected. We are looking very seriously at a possible “anti-Clear Channel/ Corporate take over” rant with “Hollywood Justice” and “Immigration” coming in close seconds. I think I could do some real quality work with any of these subjects, although I do have some sympathy for the Juice right now. I really believe he was set up for his current Las Vegas adventure (so much for what happens in Vegas staying there) and I feel a bit bad for the guy.

You see, I live in south Florida which is also where the Juice currently calls home. The man cannot pick his nose without it making news down here, so I am suffering from serious “OJ fatigue”. Just a few years ago, there was a story making its way around down here that the Juice was a major ecstasy dealer for example. He is viewed as getting away with murder and, as a result, society seems to feel any pain inflicted upon him is deserved. They may be right, but I always felt that even an asshole can appear sympathetic once the shit pile starts to form: best to ignore the asshole rather that risk the sympathy.

Hmm, seems like a slight and small OJ rant snuck in right there actually, but never fear: that one does not count. The real rant will be longer and (I hope) entertaining and possibly even funny. I am leaning towards the “Clear Channel” rant to be honest. I hate Clear Channel.

On the Friday front, things are going rather well. While there is not that much work to go around, the work we do have has been covered and the weekend is ready to rock and roll and so am I. Guitar Hero III has stolen my soul and I am counting the minutes until my weekend arrives and my rock star fantasies begin again. The game is beyond fun and, if you ask me, they snuck crack into the game’s code. There is no other explanation for how addicting the game becomes after such a short period of exposure.

Have a great weekend and remember to tune in Sunday night for the rant. Please leave any rant worthy ideas behind for yours truly.

You are listening to KHWL and the time is twenty-two minutes after the hour.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Post # 491 -OR- KHWL On the Air

You are listening to KHWL on the Blogger dial and the time is eighteen minutes after the hour here at the Lemming House. The weather is just wonderfully cool with a slight hint of a breeze blowing from the air vent here in my office and we are just relaxing and being generally cooler than an ice cube wearing a leather jacket while riding a motorcycle one handed. In fact, we are so totally cool and relaxed right now that I think it is time to be brave and actually take a call.

Hello, KHWL, thanks for calling. You are on the air.

Hi, is this KHWL?

Yes and you are on the air. What can I do for you?

Am I on the air?

Yes, this is why I answered the phone with “Hello, KHWL, thanks for calling. You are on the air.”

Cool. So, hi Kanrei. I’m a long time listener, first time caller.

Great. Happy to hear that. What can I do for you?

Yeah, um, I read somewhere that you were having some problems coming up with ideas for your blog.

Yes, that is true. It was yesterday’s show actually that I was commenting on the fact that I am running out of original ideas for this blog. Even this post today is really just a pathetic paraphrasing of an idea someone else had a long time ago.

Yea, they say there are no original ideas left in the world. I read somewhere once that there are really only seven real plots to a story. Every tale ever told is simply a variation on one of those seven original themes.

This is true, but it is also boring; to me and more than likely to my readers, so please, what is your purpose with this call?

Damn, Kanrei can be a bit of a dick sometimes, can’t you?

My mother told me to find something I was good at and to be the best. I chose being a dick, so please, the purpose of this call?

Well, I was just thinking that you could solicit your readers for ideas of things to rant and rave about. Ya know, maybe perform a public service by getting all worked up and bothered over things other people wish they could, but really deeply honestly just don’t care.

Is this really your idea or did you just happen to see this as VE’s comment to my post yesterday?


Despite this caller’s pathetic attempt to pass of someone else’s idea as their own, this is a very good idea actually and I am opening the KHWL lines, clearing all the lines, so you can post suggestions for Kanrei’s Rant. Depending on how well it goes, this could become something regular…well, as regular as a blocked colon.

We hope to premiere a new rant this Sunday night if suggestions create the right spark. Political and pop culture rant ideas are always appreciated, but please feel free to challenge me. I can rant on anything, whether I agree with it or not. I just like to rant; rave not so much.

You are listening to KHWL and the time is forty minutes after the hour.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Post # 490

It has been five days since I last updated my blog and even then I did not really have anything to say. I am officially dried out of ideas. I am returning to school. At 36 years old, I am returning to school in hopes of finding some inspiration there. My blog is stagnating. I need some new ideas and, more importantly, I need people to challenge my ideas.

I am a debater by nature and blogging is mainly a monologue. I love the outlet, but I need some back and forth. I need people to say “you are wrong” and “how can you think that”. I need people to piss me off and offend me to get my mental gears working again. Politics, my old “bread and butter” posting subject, has become redundant and empty.

I no longer see any point in supporting anyone for any office since they all do exactly the same thing once in power regardless of any promises made while trying to attain said power. I see no difference between how people pick a politician to endorse and how they pick a sports franchise to support. I also see the people getting about as much back from their political support as they do their sports franchise support- tee-shirts and bumper stickers: a deepening of an “us versus them” attitude and the rush of being on a winning team even though that victory in no way betters your life. There is no difference between anyone running for the office of President other than what team they are on. Throw a dart at a board to pick your candidate and I guarantee you the results will be the same regardless of the winner.

See, I tried. It didn’t work. I am mentally very happy right now, which is probably also a major problem with my blogging. In addition to being a debater, I am also a complainer. I am great at stringing together long rambling complaints about minor and meaningless subjects that I admit are usually quite entertaining. Right now, I have nothing to complain about. My life is good, I’m happy, I have a good job and some money; I just think I need the trauma of college to spark some rage within me. Returning to school, in the grand scheme of things, is never a bad idea really. I hope to have this blog reborn by post 500.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Ooops, It's Friday Again

My mom read my post yesterday, called me immediately, and said “you don’t want to start smoking again. You don’t want to go through quitting again…actually, your father and I don’t want to go through your quitting again.” Amazing that, at 36, guilt still works. I was a prick while quitting smoking.

I would love to have an American Spirit just one more time, for old time’s sake, but I won’t. Mainly because there is no place that sells “loosies” or single cigarettes around here. I also do not know anyone who smokes them, so I am out of luck on that front and should just put it out of my head. Kind of like Joni Mitchell’s “Help Me” was been removed from my head. I guess G-d did read my post.

Yes, it is Friday once again and I am in a great mood today. I have no idea why I am in such a “sunshine and lollipops” mood, but I am and am not going to question it at all. I am going to be happy I have my techs confirmed for the weekend and that we have a decent amount of patients coming in and let it rest at that. I am even going to go to Best Buy at lunch and see if I can’t reward myself for being in such a good mood. The Twin Peaks boxset did come out this week after all.

Well, well, well….its lunchtime right now. I have an appointment at Best Buy to keep. Have a great weekend to all and to all a great weekend!

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Not the "XTC" Song

Dear G-d,

Why, oh why doeth thou feel the need to fuckith with me so often?

Why, oh why doeth thou seem to delight in the torments and trials that You seem so willing to inflict upon me?

Did I do something to offend Thee whilst I lay in the womb? I know I have been redefining perfection since the moment of my birth, so any offence must have occurred during my prenatal period.

Are You really going to hold me accountable for things done during this phase of my life?

I have quit smoking despite the burdens of addiction You felt I needed. Why you felt I needed to not only love, but REALLY LOVE things bad for me I will never know, but You did so I do. I have not lit a cigarette in longer than I can remember (thank you also for the incredibly short memory span as well), yet everyday I find some new store that my favorite brand is being sold in. Now how exactly is that fair?

I smoked Winstons for years and hated Wintsons for years, but they were the only additive-free brand readily available for me to smoke. You introduced me to the joys of additive-free smoking while I lived in Colorado and found the American Spirit brand cigarette and I fel in love.

How was I to know that American Spirit was not a common brand yet?

How was I to know that I would be moving to South Florida, a place where asking “Do you have American Spirit” is viewed more as a residency question instead of a brand selection? For some reason, immigrants really take that question personally. I received more than one “fuck you Gringo” look from cashiers, I can tell you.

So now I kicked the habit and I don’t smoke any longer, but can You guess what brand I now see in every single gas station and convenience store in town? That’s right, dear L-rd, it is American Spirits.

Are you applying for the “Monkeywrench in the Gears of Life Award?” Seven years of not finding them leads to not looking and they are everywhere. Do you really think facing temptation is the only way to overcome it? I was doing fine until now. Out of sight, out of mind worked perfectly, but now You screwed it all up.

I am asking for one simple thing right now- remove them from just one store I frequent please. I know I am strong, but I ain’t Job strong. Besides, testing your followers is the sign of a weak and insecure deity. Show me you don’t need or even want me to follow you and I will follow you anywhere.

Love always,

PS- Could you at least get Joni Mitchells' "Help Me" out of my head? It is enough to make me need a smoke.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Time for Today's Pointless Ramble

Oh, how I wish I could update my blog today. I have so much to tell you. I have tons and tons of stories just waiting to be shared with you, if only I could update my blog, but I can’t. I am not allowed. You see, there is a writer’s strike going on right now, or is that “write now” and, as someone who thinks of themselves as a writer, I cannot update until the fight is resolved.

No, I am not a member of the Writer’s Guild of America or whatever the group is called or anything like that. No, I have never sold a screenplay for either television or film, nor have I actually ever even completed one, but I might one day and I don’t want to piss the union off. They might forbid me membership because I wrote something (entertaining?) while they were on strike.

I could be seen right now (or is that write now) as actually being a scab at this very moment. These words could be turned into a plot by some eager and hungry young executive longing for a new project and then POOF!, just like that, I am a union-buster. It’s not like they have never made anything dumber. I have seen The English Patient and Nothing But Trouble so I know they have. Be ready for it because coming this summer, Lemming House: the Movie!

Shortly before its release however, a barrage of nasty and slanderous articles will slowly start to find their way into Variety and other trade-rags about yours truly. They will be talking about backroom deals that were made between Kanrei and various cigar smoking members of a Jewish Media Conspiracy. There will be reports of how Kanrei single-handedly persuaded the producers to hold out on the writers until he was able to secure a deal for himself. He was also working with the writers, stoking their collective rage in hopes of pushing them to strike just to open the very hole he is now exploiting. Don’t believe the hype. I like TV. I like movies.

I am not involved in Lemming House: the Movie! in any way, shape, or form. Well, I am directing it, but that is it. Just directing and producing it. Oh, and writing, editing, and starring in it, but that is all. I will also be playing my own romantic interest as well as my rival for said romantic interest’s interest, but nothing more, I promise after: I write my review of Lemming House: the Movie!

I guess what I am trying to say is this: keep striking until I finish my script. I support your cause 100%, but my selfish nature is keeping me busy writing at home right now…or is it “write now?”

One final thought- shouldn't the striking writers be marching with blank signs. I think writing a message on their protest signs defeats the purpose of being on a writer's strike.

Humor aside (or just an empty attempt at humor), I do support the writers 100% in their cause and will happily watch DVDs until they get their demands met. These are not mostly rich people striking for more money; these are mostly the middle class looking to own a bit more of what they create.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

A Big Gap (in Memory and my Gum)

Friday, I awoke before my alarm as usual, except my alarm was set thirty minutes earlier than normal. My mother was coming to pick me up for my surgery at 9:45 and I had to be awake and ready to go by then. I don't think my internal alarm gets the credit for this one though; my nerves were pretty much constantly waking me up every hour on the hour all night. It was just random chance that I happened to wake up one minute before the alarm rang out to greet another brand new day.

Aside from the toothpaste, I had not had anything to eat since 11:30 the night before. This basically meant that, although my nerves were desperately trying to throw something up, there was nothing in my stomach for them to throw. This did not stop my mouth from preparing itself for the non-vomit to not come; nor did it stop my throat from trying to work up what was not coming. It was a rather uncomfortable feeling that was only relieved by my mother having the Grateful Dead station on her radio and a very good “Wharf Rat” playing when she arrived at my house.

In my sleepy state it was easy to lose myself in the music. I also found myself suddenly remembering that the “thingie” I was going to have removed had disappeared. There was, in my mind, now a better than decent chance that no surgery would be needed. This, with the previously mentioned “Wharf Rat” still playing, had completely put my sleepy head at ease. I was going to have a three day weekend without the bother of pain.

Upon arriving at the doctor's office, I happily bounced like a Tigger into the doctor's office and said “Hi, I'm Brad and I'm here to have an operation on something I think has gone away.” I was all smiles.

Maybe my mother said that come to think of it...I was still basically asleep, but, either way, the idea that we may not need to operate was conveyed by one of us and we were rather quickly ushered into the room I had my initial exam in two months ago.

“The doctor will be in to see you in a moment” a pleasant nurse said as she closed the door behind her.

The doctor was soon in the room with my mother and me, too soon if you ask me, and was just as quickly looking in my mouth and happily saying “no, I still see plenty there for me to get at.”

Swing and a miss. Heart slowly speeding up. Sweat glands clocking in to work.

I was escorted by a new nurse into a new room and I found myself mentally in some Hostel/Disney hybrid. The room was bright, but there, in the center of this room was the chair from the films; the torture chair that innocent people have squirmed and suffered in. And next to it, the small table of shiny sharp objects used to cause said squirming and suffering. The nurse was even dressed in the same garments as the torturers in Hostel as well; only instead of black leather surgical garbs, she had happy teddy bears and and smiling flowers. It was all still very creepy and surreal, or I need to watch a lot less horror movies.

The nurse soon places a thermometer to take my temperature before the surgery begins and I see this as my last chance to stop the operation from happening. If I can raise my body temperature then they can't operate on me until I feel better. My nose had been stuffy all week, so it is possible that my nausea was actually due to an actual illness instead of my wimp-factor when it comes to potential pain. There was still hope!

I thought of every kitchen I ever worked in. I thought of physical education classes in the middle of the hot Florida afternoons I suffered through in my youth. I thought of steam engines, fever, disease, deserts, the sun. I imagined myself a marshmallow slowly becoming engulfed by the open flame it sits above. Any and everything that was hot, I imagined to absolutely no gain what so ever. My temperature was normal and the surgery was going forward as planned yet again.

Swing and a miss. No point in resisting any longer. Eyes closed and mind wandering far, far away. Needle just felt in left arm...

The next thing I know, I am waking up at my parent's house, in the guest bedroom. I am in a bathrobe and shorts and under the sheets of the bed. In the background, I hear Brian Williams and NBC Evening News. Next to my head is a tiny heart-shaped bloodstain on what I think is an expensive pillow; the label had a first and last name. It was really kind of cool though to be honest.

I have a small hole in my gum that goes all the way through. My cheek gets sucked in a bit when I swallow for now until I relearn a new way. To imagine what it feels like, remember losing a tooth as a child and that is the almost the same feeling, except I have not lost any teeth; knock on wood.

I never used any of the pain killers I was prescribed either. Damn doctor did all this great work in such an amazing way that I feel no pain at all. I can't find a good excuse to take them. Curses!

Thursday, November 01, 2007

It's Friday....NO! It's Thursday and It's The "No Update" Update

Although this is the official “No Update”, this is not a negative posting I promise. It is only called the “No Update” because I am going to tell you that I had NO Trick-or-Treaters last night and to explain why there will be NO Friday update tomorrow. I also kNOw you are dying to kNOw.

First- I had NO freeloaders in disguise a-knock-knock-knocking on my door last night. It was Halloween, wasn’t it? Do kids today still “do” Halloween or have the religious extremists done away with one of the last few fun holidays we have left?

Think about it, Christmastime isn’t fun any more ever since certain people took saying “Happy Holidays” as a personal affront to their chosen faith as if only one faith celebrates during the winter. Last time I checked pretty much everyone has some major holiday that comes around in December so "Happy Holidays" seems much more accurate, inclusive to me, but what do I know? I am one of those imperfect Jews after all. Just ask Ann Coulter about that =D.

Secondly, there will be NO “It’s Friday” this week sadly unless this counts. It is Friday for Scary Monster so maybe it does. I am having some oral surgery on Friday morning and I really don’t foresee myself being up for blogging in the post-op. Never fear or worry (I am doing enough for us all) because this is a simple and small operation to remove some excess gum tissue I have.

I have had this procedure before and probably will many more times in my life so there really is no need to worry. It has already been tested for cancer; it is just the way my gums grow and I could choose to do nothing if I don’t mind losing some teeth one day. I like my teeth. Chewing is a great.

Thirdly, you have NO reason to worry about me at all. I am thinking much more clearly now that the full moon has gone away.

I can’t believe how many people still don’t believe in the connection between the full moon and our moods. We are 70% water after all and the moon does have an effect on tides so it is rather shortsighted and illogical to not believe that we are not also affected by the full moon. Of course, people still think of humans and animals as different creatures and they talk about alcohol, tobacco, and drugs as if those are different things so I really should not be that surprised. The human being’s ability for hypocrisy knows no bounds it seems.

Happy weekend early and I will try to update on Saturday or Sunday just in case you worried even though I said you shouldn’t. Lemmings never listen.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Halloween Hope

My mom likes to send me my horoscope from time to time. She does not believe in them per say, but she does usually find them inspirational and, once in a while, oddly poignant. These last two days have fallen into the “oddly poignant” category and has me thinking I many need to rethink my feelings on the whole "horoscope thing".

Yesterday’s Horoscope was this:

Writing may be one of your main focuses for today, dear Gemini. You have a lot of information to impart to anyone who might be interested in what you have to say. You could try your hand at a magazine article or perhaps fiction or poetry. However, even if all you write at this time is a letter to your grandmother, what you say will undoubtedly be bright, gripping, and certainly very interesting. Go to it!

Today, she sent me this:

There is no question about it, dear Gemini: Change is in the air! Perhaps you cannot feel it because you have allowed yourself to become bogged down in despair. You can't help but wonder if you will ever attain your goals. Well, take heart. The times they are a changing, as Bob Dylan says. You just need to wait a bit longer. In the end, it doesn't matter how long it took to get there, only that you arrived!

Considering my mood these last few weeks and my latest posts, this is down right freaky. Is this just coinscidence? A broken clock showing it can still be right twice a day? A Halloween trick? I don't know for certain, but I think I am supposed to think long and hard about this. Perhaps my dreams are not quite dead just yet.

Happy Halloween

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Playing with Letters

This is not a real poem per say in that I know it is weak. I am playing with a concept right now and this is my first attempt. See, what I am going for is for the horizontal words to express a feeling that the vertical, capitol letters also conveys.

Feeling everything that you’re trying to say
Understand it less and less every single day
Caring is something you left far behind
Kindness, for you, just ain’t all that kind
You never relent in your endless assault
Only to say that it isn’t your fault
Understanding is something you sadly just lack
And never quite understand why I don’t want you back
So please just shut up and wander away
Stop with the notes and just leave here today
How long do you think you can keep this shit up?
Obviously you beleive I can't get enough
Leave me in peace so I can regain
Everything that I lost in exchange for fame

It is a celebrity looking at their fans. Sorry for the curse words =D

Monday, October 29, 2007

Oh Where, Oh Where Could Your Lemming Have Gone? Oh Where, Oh Where Can He Be?

I am alive and living, but still slightly down so no update yet. I have some things I am working through right now and trying to get straight in my head. I never deal with things well so I am also suffering from physical illness right now due to my mental state. I puked in the parking lot at work today for example, but never fear for me. These things are normal and, for me at least, according to clockwork.

My last mental breakdown was when I was 27, so these things seem to be on a nine year plan. It drove me to leave the Pizza business and move to Miami and get into the family business (not the mob; watch less movies). Now, at 36, I feel the need to figure out my next step and that is what is ailing me.

I should be back to form very soon (I hope). Expect a real update tomorrow. Until then, enjoy your sanity. It can leave you at any time.

PS- It seems, based on the poll results, that we like our horror movies funny with many walking dead things. This means only one thing really: our "Lemming Halloween Film of 2007" is Shaun of the Dead. Great choice. Please join me on Halloween in watching this great movie. Showing starts at 8pm EST.

Full Results
Slasher 0 (0%)

Black Comedy 2 (33%)

Torture Porn 0 (0%)

Redneck Inbred Cannibal 0 (0%)

Ghost 0 (0%)

Devil/ Possession 1 (16%)

Zombie 2 (33%)

True Crime Stories 0 (0%)

Don't Watch Any 1 (16%)

Any Horror is Great 0 (0%)

Votes so far: 6

So happy nobody picked "Torture Porn." You passed my test.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Is There a Bad Moon on the Rise?

I am in a mentally rough patch right now. I am full of doubts and unanswerable questions that are haunting and/ or teasing me daily. I am trying to update here, but I just can’t find that “wit” right now. I am deep in a depression that I know will pass soon, but right now it is really getting in the way of my blogging. Everything I write is total crap.

Is there a full moon coming up or something? This usually happens around those times and this feeling is usually my first warning that one is on its way. I suppose I will just wait it out and update once it is gone. It is hitting me harder than usual though. I hope there is a full moon coming. I need my mojo.

Friday, October 19, 2007

30 Days of Friday

We are in the last few moments of my “working Friday” and just a few moments away from my “relaxing Friday.” Yes, there is a relaxing aspect to my Fridays. I realize that over the last year I have only spoken of the rough nasty patches that Friday treats me to, but that is only because “It’s Friday” is usually written while at work. Today I am writing it while in my last 20 minutes of work so I am already at home in my head.

I am not going to take too much of your time today simply because I am lazy and, as I already said, am already on my couch, feet up, PJ’s on, remote in hand, and flipping wondering why nothing is ever on.

This weekend is part two of my “Annual Halloween Horror Fest” with this weekend being the “Attack of the Zombies.” Time to rush out and rent/ buy some of those classic films of the undead variety and join me in watching society crumble under the weight of the deceased. This weekend’s selections are: Dawn of the Dead; Bubba Ho-Tep; Evil Dead 2 (a yearly tradition), Return of the Living Dead part 2, and probably the two parts of the 28 (Days, Weeks) Later series if time allows. I hope you join in for at least one.

Next weekend will be “Cheesy 80’s Slasher Flicks” so please give any suggestions for your favs. Sorry I forgot to inform you about “Inbred Redneck Cannibal Mutant” weekend, but it was not very good. Outside of the original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”and “House of 1000 Corpses” there really is a serious lacking of quality Redneck horror films. The Hills Have Eyes sucked so bad I did not even bother watching part two. Returned them both the same night I rented them actually.

So, whose game? Ready to get scared?

Happy Friday to all and to all a good weekend.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Relapse of Sorts

Is today a failure or another aspect of a success? That is a question for the ages that will never be answered fully, nor will any proposed answer ever really make everyone feel a sense of closure, but it is the question for today because today I failed and succeeded and I am not sure how to label the day in the context of my life’s story. You see, today I lit a cigarette, but did not smoke it. Did I fail because I wanted, found, and lit a cigarette or is today a success because I held a lit cigarette in my hand yet did not smoke it? I guess this is another one of those “perspective” things.

I am not having a Smurfy day today. It is not exactly 100% un-Smurfy, but there is a definite lack of Smurfyness going on; not a total saturation of that old Smurfy-vibe. Techs seem to think today is Friday based on how lethargic they are to work and a lack of communication among co-workers can cause a very contagious strain of stress to spread rather easily. It soon overcame my nerves and sent me into the default “I really need a cigarette” mode.

Outside I stood (channeling Yoda, sorry) with a cigarette in hand and I did the unthinkable; I lit it. I took a drag and felt….nothing. I took a second drag and felt….guilt. A third drag convinced me that all I was doing was making me a foul-smelling pissed off person instead of the calm person I was hoping for. I put it out and returned to work feeling…proud except I stink now. How can three drags off a cigarette make my shirt smell like an ashtray so quickly?

I know that I am not a smoker any more. It tasted like shit and smelled like it too. The motions involved in smoking did not feel natural either. I could tell I was forcing myself to take those three drags. So, did I fail because I lit a cigarette during a time of extreme stress or did I succeed because I did not smoke it and returned to work?