Wednesday, December 22, 2010

My Theme Song for 2011

Whether I'm right or whether I'm wrong
Whether I find a place in this world or never belong
I gotta be me, I've gotta be me
What else can I be but what I am
I want to live, not merely survive
And I won't give up this dream
Of life that keeps me alive
I gotta be me, I gotta be me
The dream that I see makes me what I am
That far-away prize, a world of success
Is waiting for me if I heed the call
I won't settle down, won't settle for less
As long as there's a chance that I can have it all
I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I've gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I've gotta be me
I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I just gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I gotta be me

Monday, October 11, 2010

The Columbus Facts

Here are the offical facts of Columbus and his time spent discovering America:

He Missed

So I hope you enjoyed this well researched and in depth piece I just finished writing about the triumphs and success of Christopher Columbus. I think this work I have just done best reflects the true nature of his fame and glory. The details you have found contained within this piece of historically accurate literature are based 100% on the factual records of Columbus and his journeys and time spent in North America.

Saturday, October 09, 2010

The Trials of Brad: Thursday

And upon the rising of the sun, so did G-d, in all his glory, gaze down upon yon sleeping Brad, safe within the confines of his bed, and did He say unto Himself "today beith the day for him."

And so Brad awoke as usual 15 minutes before his alarm and stretched within the confines of his bed, and did he say unto himself "this is good," but G-d did laughth.

And so Brad stubbed his toe on the corner of his bed whilst on his sleepy-eyed journey to the bathroom and so G-d did giggle.

And as Brad walkith to retrieve his garbage bin did he see the garbage bags removed, but a ton of clumps of cat litter sitting comfortably within the confines of the bin and so G-d did sayith "gotcha!"

And so upon returning from the bid, did Brad's alarm system begin beeping and flashing the holy number "14" repeatedly and did G-d sayth "you ain't seen nothing yet."

And so Brad driveith to work and all is well and he did say unto himself "that G-d that's over" and G-d did respond "ya think?"

And as Brad sat at his desk at work, so did the phones and internet die suddenly and without cause and G-d sayith "whatcha gonna do now?"

And so Brad driveith himself over to the lab which uses a different phone system only for his driver side car window to die suddenly and without cause and G-d sayith "I got more; oh I got more."

And upon Brad's desk at the lab sat not one, but devices used for sleep studies which did die suddenly and without cause and G-d did say "told ya I had more."

And Brad's cell phone did ring and the alarm company did callith to tell him that his alarm was beeping and flashing the holy number "14" and that it required his attention. A new battery, double A in size is all that is needed. And Brad did think a ray of sunshine had come into his day and G-d did bring the clouds.

And on his return to the office from the lab did Brad learn two patients had canceled for that night and that a Tech would now have to be told he wasn't going to work. And Brad did sigh and G-d did say "I know how much you love that."

And even though Brad had pickith up a Double A battery on his way home, two in fact, so did he come to realize upon getting home that double A was the wrong battery and he would have a flashing holy number "14" for one more day.

And G-d began to take pity on poor Brad who still had yet to curse or scream or even kill anyone.

And so that day ended for Brad at 6:00PM as he went back and safe within the confines of his bed to cheat bad luck and he did awake the next day to sunshine and good fortune, thank G-d. And G-d did say "you are very welcome."

Thursday, October 07, 2010

I Got It!

Just what makes that little old ant think he can move that rubber tree plant?

Delusion and possibly drugs.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

A Creative Spark

I read a story today about a man's girlfriend who called 911 on him because he would not get a job.
LEBANON, Mo. — A 35-year-old man was charged in Missouri with possessing marijuana after his girlfriend called 911 and said she was tired of him smoking pot all day instead of working.

This sparked a few songs in my head that I would like to share with you.

The first is to the tune of Paul Simon's "50 Ways to Leave your Lover"

My girlfriend asked me if I plan to get a job
She was tired of dating an unemployed stoned slob
But I told her
Wouldn't it be nice
If she got a job instead.

She said there was no way that she was gonna work
She said I was acting like a loser stoned jerk
But I told her
I do this for fun
I didn't know she'd call 911

You can be a narc on Clark"
"Just call the 5-0, ho"
Don't hit the pipe, Mike
Just get a job.

Don't try and inhale Gale
Stay away from the pot, Scott
Don't get the munchies, Louise
Just get a job

Then I had another flash of inspiration:

To the tune of "The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel

On the sofa sits a stoner
Who cannot find a trade
He would rather just watch the TV
Smoke some pot and then get laid
But his girlfriend had enough
She cannot take no more
"I am leaving
I am leaving"
And she heads out of the door

I really enjoy sight seeing in my mind sometimes. I never know what is waiting for me there.

Monday, October 04, 2010

The Big 3/4th!

Well, that was fucking FUN! I went to see Anthrax, Megadeth, and Slayer last night. Wouldn't you know this was the first show I was running late for in my life? For the first time in Metal history, a show that was supposed to start at 7 actually began at 6:45: old rocker friendly! The sad part is that I ended up missing half of Anthrax. I came in as "Indians" was hitting the climax.

What I did hear and see of Anthrax blew me away! They sounded better than ever and age has not slowed them down at all; either speed of music or antics on stage. They know how to work a crowd and get them ready for the chaos to come.

Megadeth came out next and started by playing 1991's Rust in Peace from beginning to end and then followed with a mix of new and old songs. I did not get the songs I wanted from the mix, but my fandom is pretty much limited to the first four of theirs, so I didn't expect much considering they have 30 years of material to choose from and I was lucky to get what I did. They did not really engage the crowd much, but that is what you expect from Dave Mustane: ego. He makes up for it with skill and my G-d was that on display.

Slayer...never a fan so I didn't hang around for them actually. It was a Sunday show and I had a 10 am meeting scheduled for Monday. If one of those two were not true, I would have stayed. Slayer is Slayer and a legend of metal.

Now then, if you want entertainment you must go check this tour out. The 35+ Mosh pit was something to behold. No kids allowed and it was awesome as kids today do not know how to mosh properly. It is not a fight and not about drawing blood. No fists, no elbows, no knees. If someone falls, pick them up. Any kid that tried to mosh was quickly tossed to the sidelines since they don't seem to understand the order of the chaos.

Did I mosh? No, but I always seem to be on the outer rim of the pit so I am always right there anyway.

It was the 80's reborn with bald spots! So fun.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D

I have just returned from seeing Resident Evil: Afterlife and I am torn on it. To present the various perspectives on this movie, I present my Internal Monologue between Left Brain and Right.

L: That was the best 3D I have ever seen.

R: True, but 3D what?

L: The scenes in falling water were simply breath taking.

R: Yeah, but what exactly was the point of the movie? I realize the Umbrella Corporation are the villains, but to what end?

L: Does that matter? The 3D was incredible.

R: Yes, OK, we get it: the 3D was amazing. I will agree with me on that point. I will even add there are a few moments where I felt the drops of the camera.

L: The smoke was really cool too.

R: Yes, the smoke was really cool too. So was all the slow motion in the fighting.

L: You could really see the details of the 3d, right? Like the bullets flying towards you and such?

R: Yes, but there was so much slow motion that I feel the actual movie was simply 50 minutes long with half slowed down just to help it stretch to 100. Hell, there was one part where the entire thing just stopped!

L: SHHH! No spoilers!

R: That isn't a "spoiler." Look, it was a lot of fun and, if you are going to see it, see it on a big screen for certain, but don't look for any story.

L: You...erm, I haven't seen any of the other ones.

R:True, but this was Matrix in 3D more than it was a Zombie movie of any description. Faceless cops in black; a guy in shades and a black trench coat; room full of weapons; fight in a white room- I thought of Matrix more than I thought of "Zombie Flick."

L: was HEAVILY inspired by Matrix and there will be little to no point in seeing this movie in 2D as there is no story to speak of.

R: Exactly! I starts in the middle of a battle and ends in the middle of a battle. If you want to make a TV series, then put the damn thing on TV!

L: Would you recommend this then?

R: For cool eye candy? Yes. As a narrative? No.

L: Pity there was no "3D Naked Underwater Ballet" this time.

R: On that we agree.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Face of Today

I met an old man today living at the gas station near work. He is living there because that happens to be where his van ran out of gas. Proud old man too, not used to or prepared for this kind of life. He tried to ask me for money, but couldn't get the words out. Pride held them in. It took me hearing what little of his story he could get out twice to figure out his circumstances and what he couldn't ask.

I didn't have much, but my seven dollars made his eyes swell and he couldn't get "thank you" out. The look on his face told me that, to him, "thank you" was just not enough. He hadn't eaten in two days and I was only the second person to actually listen to him or show him attention at all. It has depressed me for the remainder of my day that I could not do more.

If I got conned, so be it. I don't believe I was; nobody is that good of an actor. I didn't notice his van at the gas station when I drove home, so I must assume he got more help somewhere. Seven dollars doesn't buy much.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

A Rosh Hashanah Joke

An Orthodox, a Conservative, and a Reformed Jew were discussing the upcoming Rosh Hashanah holiday and the conversation eventually became a competition and debate of whose Temple is more devout as is normal when you get a bunch of Jews together discussing anything.

The Orthodox Jew started the debate by saying "I can't believe how devout my Temple is. Every year we have to spend both days of Rosh Hashanah praying all day and we spend the evenings with our families."

The Conservative Jew took offense at this claim and countered with "well my Temple is open both days as well, but we only expect people to come pray to G-d on one of those days and they should spend the other with their families and celebrating."

The Reformed Jew listened quietly to both people bragging about their Temples, chuckled softly, and grinned.

"My Temple," he said, "places a huge banner across the door way that says 'Closed for the Holidays!'"

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Piranha 3D

Just got back from Piranha 3D and I am not going to say it was a good movie. I am going to say four words however and, after those four words you will know if this is the movie for you or not. Are you ready? Those four words are:


You haven't left for the theater yet? Tough crowd. OK. How about this:

The movie starts with Richard Dreyfuss dressed as he was in 1975's JAWS, singing "Show Me the Way to Go Home," while drinking Amity Beer in the middle of water.

Still here? I didn't think so.

Go turn off your mind and have a great time full of gratuitous 3D breasts, random detached body parts, and killer fish. It was a blast and I will probably go again very soon.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

My (Short) View of Faith

Here (once again) is my explanation for different faiths, but still the same G-d.

We are all different. We have different understandings of things and different motivations for doing them. Some of us require reward to motivate us while others need a fear of punishment. Some can live life with few rules while others need structure to feel secure. G-d understands this which is why there are so many faiths. Don't look at the various texts- G-d is not an author.

You know right and wrong: it is the playground rules.

Don't hit
Treat people as you want to be treated
Be honest

The rest is man added fluff.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Naming Places of Tomorrow....Today!

In honor of Obama Elementary school opening up, I have decided to list some other places we really need opened and soon. Most are funny; some are stupid; and some are in really poor taste:

The Don Rumsfeld Center for Strategic Planning

The Florida School of Counting

The Newt Gingrich Fidelity Center

The Rush Limbaugh Institute of Drug Research

The Dr Laura Race-relations Outreach

Dan Quayle Airporte

George H W Bush High- Read my Lips: NO NEW GRADUATES

Clinton University- ask about our internships!

George W Bush College- Our sports teams suck, but boy can we cheer!

The Gerald Ford Gymnastics team.

George W Bush International Airport: planes take off for Saudi Arabia but end up in Iraq.

Billy Carter Rehab facility

Bristol Palin Abstinence center

Ronald Reagan Memory Center

The George Bush College of Pronuncication and Speechifying.

New...the Monica Lewisky Cigar Humidifier!

Monday, August 23, 2010

G-d Loves the Stupid; He Made So Many

There was a massive protest at the place the proposed Mosque is to be built in New York yesterday. I am not going to get into the details of it, that can be found here: THE PROTEST

What I am going to talk about however is this one sentence that stood out to me like a glaring beacon of stupidity:

Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA" blared over loudspeakers as mosque opponents chanted, "No mosque, no way!"

Have they ever listened to the song "Born in the USA" by any chance? It is quite far from a "pro-America" song and really not the song they want to bring up in regards to this situation.

Born in the USA tells the tale of a man who is born in a poor town and shit on most of his young life. He is then drafted for the Vietnam war and sent over to fight. While there, a friend of his has a child with a local girl, is killed, and the speaker returns home with only a photo of the man and his child to remember. He find the economic situation at home horrible; is unable to find a job; and finds even the VA unwilling or unable to help. The man looks at all this happening to him and thinks "I was born in the USA." In the end, he goes to prison for 10 years and is released homeless.

It is endlessly ironic to me that these people, who think they are showing pride in their country by showing religious intolerance are playing a song about America not living up to its name.


Born down in a dead man's town
The first kick I took was when I hit the ground
You end up like a dog that's been beat too much
'Til you spend half your life just covering up

Born in the U.S.A.
Born in the U.S.A.
Born in the U.S.A.
Born in the U.S.A.

I got in a little hometown jam
And so they put a rifle in my hands
Sent me off to Vietnam
To go and kill the yellow man


Come back home to the refinery
Hiring man says "Son if it was up to me"
I go down to see the V.A. man
He said "Son don't you understand"


I had a buddy at Khe Sahn
Fighting off the Viet Cong
They're still there, he's all gone
He had a little girl in Saigon
I got a picture of him in her arms

Down in the shadow of the penitentiary
Out by the gas fires of the refinery
I'm ten years down the road
Nowhere to run, ain't got nowhere to go

I'm a long gone Daddy in the U.S.A.
Born in the U.S.A.

As you can see, Born in the USA is far from the "American Pride" song most people seem to think it is. It shows the ironic double standard of America and how the land we think we live in is not the land we live in.

To me, this is like advertising the movie IRON MAN with the Black Sabbath song of the same name: did the makers of that movie look at the song beyond the title? Did they catch "Kills the People He Once Saved?" Not very heroic.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


Ever feel like you have front row seats to oblivion and the entire thing is just waiting for you to give it the go ahead? The entire self-destructive implosion of reality is at the gate just patiently waiting for you to say "yeah, I think I am ready now?" I didn't, but I am starting to think I do.

To quote a great Tool song:
I sure could use a vacation from this stupid shit.

Let the show begin!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Praise for a Big Company?

I bash the "Big Boys" so often that I felt it was time I shared a story of the "Big Boy" taking my side over the "Small Player."

My Samsung TV is dying. It turns itself off and on at least 3 times when I try to turn it on and takes an average of 2 minutes to show a picture. To give you an idea, my computer turns on and loads Firefox faster than my TV shows a picture. The worst part is that it is a little over 3 years old. My old TV lasted 15 years and I treated it like crap. I dust my Samsung daily.

So anyway, I went to the forums in search of others with my same problem and I found thousands of us: basically everyone who bought my TV around the same time I did. The forums warned of a fight with Samsung to get them to fix it, but they would if you fought hard and long. I prepared myself for a fight and called Samsung.

Samsung, it turned out, was not prepared for a fight and was, instead very helpful. They asked for my TV's serial number and then confirmed it was part of a series that were made with a Power Supply defect that they would fix at no charge. Even better, I did not have to ship my TV to them; they would pay to send someone to me. I was happy and awaiting my call from the local Samsung repair center.

Today, Monday, I got a call from Lakes Electronics, the local Samsung repair outlet, and they informed me that they would not be repairing my TV. They said they were behind in the payments from Samsung and refused to honor any new contracts until they were paid by Samsung. I was shocked; mainly because this was none of my business. I called Samsung immediately, once again prepared for a fight, and once again Samsung disarmed me.

Samsung was shocked that Lakes Electronics would refuse service AND that they would give the excuse that they did. Not that it was or was not true, but that it was none of my business as a customer of both parties.

I asked the Customer Service person what my options were as it was out of Best Buy's warranty and nobody was willing to repair it. She checked and saw that Lakes Electronics were the only option for me. I sighed. They placed me on hold and then returned with the news of "we will repair your TV with our repair people or we will replace it for you, but you will not be charged and we are so sorry this has happened."

How can I be mad? I may have just become a Samsung customer for life.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

A Great Quote

Seth MacFarlane, the creator and main voice actor for Family Guy said something that I have been trying to say for a while now. He says it better.

"People in America, they're getting dumber. They're getting less and less able to analyze something and think critically, and pick apart the underlying elements. And more and more ready to make a snap judgment regarding something at face value, which is too bad."

This is true from Biden saying "Blitzkrieg" as a tactic and people screaming "he compared us to Nazis" to the current flap over the head of the USDA and her "racist" statement that turned out to be a tale of overcoming racism.

Slow down America and learn to listen and think. Stop reacting to what you THINK the other person is going to say and try responding to what they ACTUALLY say.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Why Fast Zombies?

I have been thinking about this question for a while now; pretty much since the birth of the Fast Zombie and the debate about them first sprung up. I think I have come up with both a justification for the Fast Zombie as well as the reasoning behind their creation.

First, the justification: Zombies are generally thought of as slow moving and stupid. This is mainly due to the deterioration of the organs, the setting in of Gangrene and the stiffening of the muscles that occurs with death: but what of the newly dead? It takes a period of time for those post-death conditions to set in and it is usually a much longer time than it takes the average person to succumb to a bite from a Zombie.

Logically speaking, for the first few hours of zombification, the person infected should be an undead version of themselves. They should be able to speak, recognize people and objects, retain motor skills, and would therefore be just as they were when alive. They could even be theoretically faster since fatigue would not be a factor. It would be over the course of several hours that they would lose these human traits and devolve into the Zombie of the 60's.

Now that (I hope) I have justified the Fast Zombie in your mind, why did they even bother screwing with the Zombie Formula in the first place?

When Night of the Living Dead first came out and Survival Horror was born, the scares came from the fact that monsters were us. The horror for Barbara solidified itself when her Zombie Brother came after her later in the film. It was not that it was zombie, but that it had been someone she loved who was now trying to kill her. I think that aspect is lost on modern audiences.

For people of my generation who grew up watching Mad Max films and playing video games, we saw the Zombie movie as some perverse fantasy world: it was just another apocalypse where we could fantasize about being bad-ass heroes. We watched the movies for the thrill of "what would I do" and mostly forgot the zombies were us.

As my generation grew up and started making our own zombie movies, we took the Romero-mystery out of Zombies and turned it from a "mysterious curse" to a disease; usually made by us. We lost sympathy for the zombie and therefore lost our fear of them, but Hollywood remembered that they used to scare us, not thrill us.

Enter the Fast Zombie!

We watched Night of the Living Dead and we all thought the same thing: I would live because the Zombies are so slow and stupid! No fear. No worry. We knew we could take our time to line up a head shot or even "Bruce Campbell" them with a chainsaw if need be. That all changed with films like 28 Days Later. Suddenly, the zombies were faster than we were; they were stronger; more cunning.

The Fast Zomibe took our fantasy where we were the bad-ass hero and turned us into prey. Zombie survival now required training and was not something anyone could do. Once again, we feared a world overrun by zombies.

Curse the Fast Zombie if you must, but realize that they, in their quick undead state of being, gave life to the Zombie Movie and brought horror back to us.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

A Posting of Mine From Another Blog

Are you a pervert and a Republican? Then Texas wants you. We have decided that the best way to stop the Mexicans from crossing the border is to stock the state with the most inbred, rabid, perverted freaks we could find, so naturally we looked to the GOP, or the Gang Of Perverts as we like to call 'em down here.

And if you are a pervert and a Republican and do not currently hold any office, we will be more than happy to redistrict the state to make room for you.

Texas: Gonna Make you Squeal Like a Pig

Monday, June 28, 2010

My Fake Cigarette Failure: Part Two

I gave such a scathing review on Friday, that I feel an update is warranted.

I have played with my fake cigarette off and on all weekend and it does appear to be working much better. I would say I get a hit every 6 out of 10 drags now. It seems I just had to learn how to use it. I see little point in this product for me still, but I also bought the "zero nicotine" cartridges. They do sell cartridges with nicotine amounts up to a full strength cigarette, but I am not willing to reintroduce nicotine into my diet. People who still chew nicotine gum like mad however should consider such a product.

It is not a scam I must say at this point. My hostile attitude towards it at first was probably because of it not properly warmed up. As it is a vaporizer, it does need to heat up some before it works like a real cigarette.

I am going to try some of their other flavors before calling it a 100% waste for me, but those still hooked on nicotine would get much use out of such a product I think.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

My Fake Cigarette Failure

I bought one of those electronic cigarettes yesterday. I have been chewing on straws like a madman and have been staring at smokers in old movies with a jealous feeling, so I thought I would try one of those. I don't want to start buying cigarettes again at all, but I do enjoy the act of smoking and miss it. Well, if you are like me, then DO NOT BUY ONE OF THOSE SCAM TOYS!!! Thank G-d I just had a birthday or else I would be really pissed about this "toy" I bought that never works called the electronic cigarette.

I will not name the maker of this particular scam other than to say it is a combination of what you do with it and the number of states plus Puerto Rico. I think this will make so that, while not leading you to the name, it will help those who were scammed like I was recognize the villain of my tale.

One: It is the most inconsistent product I have ever used in my life. The instruction book claims slow drags will do, but they obviously have never used this product. Slow drags do nothing. You have to suck like you are drinking a milkshake to get it to even try to work. Then, when the red tip is glowing to let you know it is working, you should exhale smoke, right? Wrong. Maybe one in 10 ties do I exhale some little bits of smoke, but most of the time it is nothing.

Two: It tastes like crap! It claims to be tobacco flavored, but I can tell you the flavor is burning paper when you get any. As stated in point one, 9 out of 10 times the thing doesn't work, but you do know when it does because your mouth tastes like, well, from college, when you first lit a joint and only the paper burned, but you had to inhale to get it lit: that is the flavor of this thing.

Three: For something not working, damn does it get hot! I suck and suck and suck trying to get a hit from it and, while it does nothing for me, it must be doing something because the thing become hot enough to, well, light a cigarette off of.

It does have one redeeming feature though. It is really cool to open up the case, assemble your cigarette, smoke it (when it works), and then put it straight from your mouth back into the case. I feel very "Gomez Addams" being able to take something straight from my pocket, put it in my mouth, blow out smoke, and re-pocket it.

If this thing worked, HOLY SHIT would that have been cool, but it doesn't. I am back on the coffee straws for the time being. I am going to try and return it tomorrow, but the place I bought it had a "no refunds" sign. I am going to take one of my cuter co-workers along with me to charm the guy. Cross your fingers.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

A Considerate Inconvenience

What should I do with G-d's attention since I obviously have the Big Guy's undivided today? As I have often said, our reality is G-d's entertainment and boy am I entertaining him today. I should almost have a full one share by the end of today actually. Given that there is only one viewer, a one share is pretty damn good. Any real TV people out there should forgive my misuse of the share concept.

My two-story abode is a two and a half bath, of which I use one and a half. My master bedroom has one naturally and I have one downstairs for my TV viewing needs. That third bathroom, the upstairs guest bathroom I suppose, has been reduced to a kitty liter holding area. It used to be the room I kept one litter box in, but my cats really seem to either like using the floor or dig watching me sweep and clean. Either way, I go in there enough to clean it, but never really glance around. I already know both the toilet and shower are, while working, not great and therefore never get dirty. Sure, once in a while I go and clean the dust, but that is really all that gets there.

Anywho, today I decided to change the showerhead in my master bathroom because I saw one at Target that looked just awesome, so I bought it. It being lunch and the box expressed an ease of changing, I decided to head home and do it quickly. Hahaha on me because it was at that moment G-d tuned in. Someone put superglue in the grooves of the nozzle I had to remove to put my new kick-ass showerhead up.

I turned and turned and strained and twisted.
I hammered and pounded and heated and pleaded.
I cursed and bartered and schemed and invented
I was laughed at, turned down, scoffed, and defeated.

As I turned to leave my shower, I clearly heard: NO NEW SHOWERHEAD FOR YOU! COME BACK ONE YEAR. I remember thinking "funny, I never knew my shower was a Seinfeld fan." Funny how you can live with something for 9 years and never know that much about them. Oh, story...

I decided very quickly that it was time to use my other bathroom and my nine-year neglected shower of the kitty's bathroom. At the very least, it would blow their little minds, but G-d was not quite through with his entertainment for the day. Right above my tub was a hole, rather nice sized, and in it was another hole that probably lead to yet another that ended with my roof I would bet. I am lucky it was over my tub, but how long has it been there?

I should be really pissed off that I have another hole in my roof, on the other side this time so it isn't even the same leak as before, but I can't be. It was over my tub. Sure, it has probably been there for a few months and I never knew about it, but it limited the damage it did by appearing over something watertight and with a drain. How can I possibly be upset at such a considerate inconvenience?

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Just Call Me "Brad Benny"

Tomorrow starts a new phase in my life and I am dedicating it to the show that got me so into Old Time Radio that I cannot fall asleep listening to anything else. It involves a 20+ year running joke and, it seemed like such a great idea that I am co-opting it. I will always give credit where credit is due since it was not my idea, but, as of tomorrow and in honor of the great Jack Benny, I will only celebrate turning 39! That's right, tomorrow I turn 39 and one year from tomorrow....I will turn 39. Twenty years from tomorrow guess what? That's right, we will be celebrating my 39th birthday!

What this means to you is, if you can't be with me tomorrow to celebrate turning 39, don't worry. G-d willing, I will have many 39th birthdays to come.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Brief Sample of the "Script" I am Working On

I have been trying to find a sample section of the script I am working on to post to: 1) prove I am actually doing it to the skeptics; 2)posting it on Blogger acts as a Copyright; and 3) because my ego demands it. I have looked over it and over it and I think I have found a part that can be followed without giving away too much of the main plot, although the B-story is clearly explained. PLEASE let me know in total honesty what you think of it. Please do not read it and not comment. The formatting of it seems to have changed when I cut and paste, so I know it is not properly formatted for a script.

So, here is a scene from Act One of "Charlie Gets Glasses":

Dennis cutting in: Look, regardless, do you know where Frank is Charlie?

Charlie: Why do you need him so badly anyway?

Mac: Oh, well, Dennis and me...

Dennis: Dennis and I.

Mac: Dude, you are getting really annoying with that. Dennis and I (glares at Dennis) have been trying to settle which of us can drink more for a few days now. The problem is, we keep drinking so much, we black out and can't remember who won.

Dennis: Yeah, so we need Frank to watch it and let us know who won the next day.

Dee comes in.

Charlie: Dude! I could totally judge that!

Dee: Judge what?

Mac: No you can't.

Dee: Judge what?

Dennis: There is no way we will let you judge it.

Charlie: Why not?

Dee: Judge what?

Mac: Besides the fact that there is nothing to “judge,” we only need a witness? You're corrupt Charlie.

Dee: Am I speaking out loud?

Charlie: I am what?

Dennis: You totally are. Remember when we used to let you referee our basketball games?

Dee: I am here, right?

Charlie: What about it?

Mac: You openly offered to take bribes!

Charlie: It was not “openly.”

Dennis: You held an auction at halftime!

SO, what do you think?

Friday, June 11, 2010

The Story Goes On

I have offically started Act Two of my "It's Always Sunny" script. I know, I know, this has been going on and on and on and on and on, but I was uninspired for a few months and fell behind. My current script is upto 18 pages now. I think it is funny, but then again I think Roadhouse is awesome, so it may just suck. I just wanted to update everyone that yes, I am still writing, but I do not force myself to write unless I have something I have to say....except this post which was 100% forced, but I felt an update was needed, or wanted, or at least due.

Monday, June 07, 2010


Minds are empty, heads are hollow.
You might find out the truth is hard to swallow.
There's a place down there, where heads are square.
Laws are tough and few are fair.
There is a law and there is a lawman.
Who is the right, and who is the wrong man.
It doesn't take much to kill a guy.
Don't get in my face and ask me why...
Texas is the place...

Beers, steers, and queers
Beers, steers, and queers

Texas is full of women and willies
Eyes too close, filthy hillbillies
Who are these people, raised in barns
Fools in boots have sex on farms
Texas hoedown, this is the lowdown
You're full of shit, destined to go down
Let's go down and herd 'em up
If you agree, let's word'em up
And if you don't...

Beers, steers, and queers

Friday, June 04, 2010

Great Photo

I can't access Facebook at work, so I am posting this great photo on my blog in hopes it shows.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Cat Training

I have come to realize I will be an excellent husband due to the simple fact that I have lived with cats and only cats for the last 10 years. They have trained me and conditioned me to the point where I believe a wife will not be that big a change in my life. This realization is mainly thanks to the bagboy at Publix who, as he noticed my 20 pound box of litter, my shit ton of cans of wet food, and bag of dry, asked me how many cats I had and I sadly realized the answer was “none, but I live with two cats who at odds over me.” I think it was because I was buying myself cheap meat and the cat's food was Filet Mignon flavored. Anyway, I came to realize my time with cats has trained me to be the perfect husband.

1. I have already accepted that the house I bought for us to live in is 100% theirs and they allow me space.

2. Not giving them attention when they want it and giving them attention when they don't both ends the same way: my bloodshed.

3. Time spent watching movies or playing games is when they will seek my attention the most and go to the most extreme lengths to get it as a first option.

4. When they know they have pissed me off, they know it only takes one look to make me feel guilty for being pissed.

5. They go out of their way to piss me off.

6. No toy I buy, no matter how much they love it at first, will keep them happy longer than a day.

7. They are happiest when pampered, which gives my life peace, so pamper them.

8. Hell Knows No Furry...

9. You are not going to understand anything they say....ever.

10.You really get addicted to doing these things.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Today in Hypocrisy

Rubio says "Every time a problem emerges, increasingly the reaction in American society is 'Well what can government do about it?'"

His solution to gay marriage?

Rubio, a lock for the GOP nomination now that Gov. Charlie Crist has decided to run as an independent, spent the day reinforcing conservative values, capped with a speech before the group that led the effort to put a gay marriage ban in the state constitution.


You cannot make this stuff up folks.

RIP Ronnie James

I remember my brother taping Heaven and Hell for me and I played that tape so many times, he had to make me a copy more than once. When Mob Rules came out, I had just had a birthday and it was the very first tape I ever bought with my own money. The following year, Live Evil became the first record I ever bought with my own money. I freaked out the day I found Long Live Rock and Roll on vinyl at Kendall Town and Country in the 80's. Basically, what I am trying to say is that Ronnie James Dio has been a large part of my musical life and he will always be remembered and loved.

RIP Ronnie. May you be the Last in Line at the Gates of Babylon. Long Live Rock and Roll!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Editing Beach Writings: Part One

The moon filled the gap between the buildings entirely and the clouds parted to let it. Full to the point of bursting, it sent a ring of light out thousands of miles around itself just so it could contain itselfl. Even the stars moved to the other side of the sky in respect of the Lunar Majesty.

The beach was mine and mine alone for as far as I could see, save for the washed up corpse of an unlucky fish. Roaring waves welcomed me and this was the solitude I came here for: just me, a few scattered stars, and the Lunar Majesty watching over me.

There is a beckoning of the open ocean, the waves begging me to join them and the horizon teasing me with curiosity. I am not a nautical person by nature and I have never so much as sailed a boat, but something about the beach just looms and lures. Even the sea of random half naked sweating people on the shore during the daytime cannot diminish this perfection of night.

Perhaps it is because I was raised in the city of Miami and perhaps it is because I still live there under the nocturnal pink luminescence of city lights, but I often forget about all that is happening above and below me when there. The ground is solid and the sky is illuminated, so there is little mystery, even at night. The beach, on the other hand, especially the Gulf Beaches, have this “out on your own” feeling at night. They are so isolated from major cities, that there is actual darkness at night and stars that seem to boycott the city.

Right now, it is day and the people are out. The beach has a different vibe during the day as the children run and play on the dunes. It is an exciting and promising land full of high energy and song. Very unlike the night at the same beach. I prefer the solitude of the evening, but I do enjoy the watching of these people during the day. Helps me realize how unlike them I actually am.

It is odd to think of yourself as part of a species it is quite obvious you are not part of. I don't understand what motivates them, what inspires them, or why they do most of the things they do. The beach at night does not lend itself to these wonderments.

At night, the beach only draws your curiosity to the vast sky and the roaring seas: both hiding forms of life you may relate to better from your view. The dead fish on the shore only serves to fuel my curiosity of what lies beneath, but my allergies have never allowed me to explore below and will probably keep me from ever exploring above. The pressure would be too great, so I am left to sit, wonder, dream, and hopefully write...

“HE had the self assured confidence that drove the less secure into fits of envy fueled hate. He never bothered to consider these feelings may exist within the masses as he always deeply longed to be one of them and was not, as they felt, above them. Maybe it was because he didn't find men attractive, but he always saw himself as a disfigured freak. He looked in the mirror and looked at others of his supposed species and always noticed the difference between how they looked and he. Sure, they had common features: nose, two eyes, a mouth; but they seemed to be misaligned on his face compared to the others that were “like him.” He found beauty to be commonplace, but believed he missed out.

Perhaps he was of another species all together. Perhaps he was the alien among the normals. Perhaps beauty was rare among them and his self assured confidence as they saw it was due to the fact that, while they were what he felt were beautiful, so too was he to them. The gap he felt that prohibited him from reaching out to the masses was also felt by the masses in regards to him. To them, it was he who was beautiful beyond approach. He thought himself dumb because nobody understood him yet they felt themselves dumb for the same reason. They would see him and think “nobody that cool, that perfect could ever be stupid.” He would look at the blank faces surrounding him and think “I am not that cool or smart.”

This separation from what he thought versus what the others saw is what lead to his solitude because he felt the problem was with him. Overtime, he too hated them as much as he felt they hated him. He looked out on the masses and felt nothing. Sometimes there would be a feeling of wanting to join the herd, but that was fleeting. He was alone on a planet of twos and that was the way it was to be.

“Solitude ain't that bad once you get used to it,” he would often say. And, if you are crazy, like he was, then you always have plenty of company in your head to keep you company. Warring personalities trapped within a singular head can cause mass headaches however. This is best remedied through a strict and constant regime of medication, the more underground the better. Music seems to be the best medication, but does have lingering effect that can include, but not be limited to, the Earworm.

The Earworm is the most contagious of all ailments that afflict man. It is simple to spread, unlimited in scope, and made up of pure evil. It can infect you from something as harmless as a passing child singing a kid's tune that suddenly burrows deep within your brain and will not let go. Suddenly, you are an adult being caught singing Barney tunes and, when you have no children, this becomes hard to explain away. Soon, your friends all think you are that freak who digs Barney CD's and they begin keeping their children FAR away from you because any adult who digs Barney tunes is an adult not safe to be with kids. Why?

Any adult who digs Barney tune is either a retard who is not able to watch himself let alone kids, or is a pervert far too interested in watching kids. Either way, if you see an adult singing “I love you, you love me,” and you see no kids around...RUN!”

Friday, May 07, 2010

My Back Yard is Not Mine

Yeah, MAN! I saw a monster last my own back-fucking-yard!

As many of you know, there as been quite a lot of rain off and on around these parts...actually, you may not know. There has been quite a lot of rain around these parts lately. We are not talking days of light to medium rain either, but rather seconds of full hurricane rain followed by hours of peaceful calm. The weather has been schizophrenic beyond belief. It is as if the schizophrenia of the weather has developed schizophrenia: awesome cool breezes on Monday followed by importation of Hell's atmosphere on Tuesday. Goto sleep without AC because it is cold outside only to awaken in a sweat-soaked sauna that was once your bed kind of weather. Anyway, weather like we have been having has been known to drive wildlife from the wilds into the comfy confines of suburbia, and that happened last night.

11 o'clock last night, I am happily watching my News Radio Third Season DVD set when my cats begin acting strange. Considering how strange my cats are normally, this "strange behavior" would include them huddling together, pacing by the sliding glass door, standing on hind legs, meowing non-stop to one another, and trying to open my back door. They did not hiss at each other once which told me there was a common enemy in my back yard. This is normally one of the neighborhood cats trying to claim the awesome cat-friendly tree in my backyard as theirs, a common occurrence, but not tonight. No, tonight I saw a monster.

The tree shook as it dug its way out of the thick brush surrounding the palm. I saw its head first and thought "that is a small possum" as it continued its climb, and it kept coming and coming and coming. Grey with black eyes and tiny ears and a bald tail: this was the biggest fucking rat I have ever seen in my life! It dwarfed my cats in comparison.

I stood there frozen in fear as the beast climbed out of the brush and made its way to the cement wall dividing my area from my neighbors. It stared at me and I at it; neither of us sure what we were supposed to do next and petrified of one another. The tension was broken by my neighbor taking their garbage outside which attracted this gargantuan rat to their property and allowed my legs to finally carry me back inside.

A quick and paniced search of my house soon followed for anything and any place that could help that beast get into my house. I looked in closets in dire fear of finding a hole because that would mean no sleep that night. Luckily, I found nothing, but I still have no clue what the fuck I am supposed to do now. My cats love going outside, but if that beast has laid claim to my home, what do I do?

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Today in Arizona

A recent plan by the state of Arizona to use dragons to guard the border has hit an unforeseen snag. While the plan enacted last week and signed by the Governor clearly states that the large mythical reptiles must be used to secure the border from illegal aliens, it never clarifies the type of dragon to be used and this discrepancy has opened a bidding war all over the world.

The state of Arizona had originally planned on using a few dragons on loan from Disneyland in nearby California, but recent budget problems in both states caused Arizona to open the bidding the the world.

China was the first to enter a bid. The Asian country, with its long history of dragons as well as their advanced production and cheap labor certainly placed them in the lead, but many members of the Tea Party questioned the use of Chinese dragons and sought instead to use British dragons. Parental Advisory groups also questioned the use of Chinese dragons due mainly to the amount of lead found in them.

After having it pointed out to the Tea Party that 99% of the British dragons were killed during the Middle Ages, the thought of Spanish dragons from Madrid did come up and was quickly ruled out due to fear of them siding with their Hispanic brothers.

While it was reported earlier today that an offer from Komodo was being considered, Senator McCain told Lemming News just a few minutes ago that it was impracticable to use them due to the language barrier: they don't seem to have one.

Until the state is able to satisfy both this strange new law and the various warring bigots within their borders, they must continue with the current plan of using Giant Sand Worms from the planet Dune to patrol the vast desert.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

I Just Don't Know Anymore...

I just don't know what to do. I am not being understood by anyone with anything I say and it is getting worse. Either I am stupid or the world is, but there is a gap between what I say and what others hear. When they say they don't follow me, I try explaining it another way only to be accused of repeating myself. And it is not limited just to verbal communication; my written words are often misunderstood as well. I would continue ranting about it here, but I know it will not be understood so there is little point.

Friday, March 26, 2010

One Step Closer to the Edge and We're About to Break

We have gone beyond the breaking point where a middle ground is a minefield. Both sides of American politics have placed themselves in "defense mode," each sighting the behavior of the other as justification for their own acts. When did we replace the adults in Washington with dolts?

I spent 1994-2008 pissed off at the Republicans and gave my support to the Democrats because of the "hope and change" they offered. I should have known better after the 2006 elections when we, as a nation, gave the Democrats Congress because they promised to end the war and, instead, pushed Health Care Reform. I should have known better, but I didn't. I voted not only for Obama for President, but basically went straight down the ticket electing every person with a "D" behind their name in hopes of ending Republican Tyranny. How was I to know it wasn't a Partisan Tyranny at all we were dealing with, but more of a general "I know what is best" type of hubris?

During the RNC Reign of Terror, we had what was, at the time, the largest expansion of government in history without so much as a cry. We invaded two countries on flimsy evidence and there was a roaring silence. Spending was out of control and the only thing the DNC could be bothered to combat during these years was Bush's picks for the Supreme Court.

When opposition to the RNC goals was brought up, the person saying it was accused of having no better ideas; of just hating the President; of being a sore loser; of being an obstructionist just to be one. The RNC suggested changing the rules of the Senate to combat these lone few voices of reason. We, the American people, watched this and remembered in 2006. What we didn't know is that the playbook was going to remain in place.

After the DNC takeover and promise of change, when opposition to the DNC goals was brought up, the person saying it was accused of having no better ideas; of just hating the President; of being a sore loser; of being an obstructionist just to be one. The DNC has even suggested changing the rules of the Senate to combat these voices. The only difference is that the RNC is far better organized than the DNC could ever be and that is due to the make up of Conservatives vs Liberals and the Conservatives will always be better organized.

Look at the two groups, Conservatives and Liberals, and think for a moment what their central theme is. Conservatives seek to conserve; to remain the same; to be cautious. It is therefore very easy for a group of Conservatives to look at something and agree on what must be done.

Liberals, on the other hand, do not have the single goal of Conservatives outside of change, but change to what? Liberals will all see something, most will agree it needs changing, and then come up with as many plans for change as there are Liberals looking at the problem. Today's crop of Liberals are not burdened by this problem; they have adopted a "group-think" mentality. They are not acting like Liberals at all, but have taken the Bush Playbook and are running with it page for page.

Why am I saying all this? Simple really. I am hoping, begging, pleading, praying, and any other form of coercion for a viable third party option that is more central in the way most Americans are. We have repeatedly voiced our concerns and voted our interests, but the parties have goals of their own and we do not factor into those plans.

Monday, March 22, 2010

A Bit of a Rant

The Health Care Bill passed the House today by a very close vote and, unless some unforeseen even like alien contact or G-d's return occurs, it should pass the Senate as well. Did the Democrats pull out every nasty trick they could think of to get it to pass? Yes. Did they bully those within their party who wouldn't go along? Most certainly. Did they behave exactly like Republicans did after Bush beat Kerry? You bet. Can the Republicans be upset about it? Not at all, for you reap what you sow.

For the record, I did not support this bill. I found myself in the “Dennis K/ Michael Moore” camp of “this is a bad bill,” but did not agree with their follow through of “therefore we must vote for it to support the President.” Look at it like this: is voting for a bad bill because you like the President really any better than voting against it because you hate him? Is Dennis' vote to support Obama any better than a GOP'er who actually likes the bill, but would vote against it to bring Obama down? Doesn't the bill count for anything because the bill will be with us long after Obama is no longer President.

None of my opinions on the Health Care Bill, or how the Democrats are ruling matters or factors into my opinion on the GOP however. While I agreed with the “why” of it, I will admit the DNC roadblocked Bush as much as humanly possible. Most of the time, they were correct, but I did find myself wondering why many times at their actions; particularly after Kerry lost. I honestly cannot believe that 100% of Bush's judge nominees were evil and corrupt. The same goes for the bill. I cannot believe 100% of the Republicans did not find this bill worthy of modification rather than death.

Further more, I am so beyond pissed off at McCain today announcing:

"There will be no cooperation for the rest of the year...They have poisoned the well in what they've done and how they've done it."

Then there is also Michael Steele's calling of it Armageddon

I cannot agree with this blind obstruction in the name of obstruction and hyperbole to fool the naive.

When I voted for Obama, I was voting in Change because I was sick of this "business as usual" nonsensical inaction from Washington that has plagued my entire life. It seems the only time they ever move, it is in the wrong direction and the only time they agree is when we are getting screwed.

I have spent the last year and a half or so pissed at the Democrats for behaving like Neocons. I have complained to anyone who will listen that the DNC is pushing the Health Care Bill in the exact same manner that the RNC pushed the Patriot Act and the War in Iraq: there is no time for debate; question the loyalties of those opposed; point out that the other side has no plan; call them "obstructionist" and accuse them of acting out of a blind hate for the President. And what does the GOP do after a defeat equal to the passing of said Patriot Act? They circle the wagons and pull out all the Democrat tricks they spent 2002-2006 telling us were un-American. The fact that the Democrats brought up the idea of a Nuclear Option and nobody blinked an eye of hypocrisy really makes me worry for the short term memory of our nation.

Maybe I am naive in what I think America is and the job of our politicians. I always believed that the House represents the people of a state, the Senate represents the state as a whole, and the President represents the country. Somewhere along the road, the parties took over the people, the state, and the country and now the House represents the Party; the Senate represents the Party; and the President speaks for the Party; damned the people.

I do not mind the bill passed, but I mind GREATLY the behavior of the leaders of BOTH SIDES in this fight and am more pissed right now at the Republicans for threatening to do everything they just got done condemning.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The More Things Change, the More They Stay the Same

The Washington Post is reporting today that Nancy Pelosi is planning on having the House vote on "a more popular package of fixes to the Senate bill" and then use an obscure rule known as "deem and pass" to skip the Senate voting on the changes and having the President sign it into law. This is a great plan, except for one small minor problem; it is that "G-ddamned piece of paper" as Bush once put it: the Constitution. Sadly, even Obama doesn't know this is un-Constiutional: "I don't know about the politics, but I know what's the right thing to do."

The matter of the House and Senate passing different versions of the same bill has been brought up before the Supreme Court a few times already, so I do have them backing me up on my opinion for the record.

The first time was in 1998 in the case "Clinton v. City of New York" where it was ruled that "(1) a bill containing its exact text was approved by a majority of the Members of the House of Representatives; (2) the Senate approved precisely the same text; and (3) that text was signed into law by the President." The Constitution explicitly requires that each of those three steps be taken before a bill may "become a law."

Notice how Clinton v. City of New York repeatedly uses the term "exact text?" If one word changes during the path a Bill takes to become law, it MUST start the process over. This was reaffirmed in 2007 with "PUBLIC CITIZEN,
Petitioner, v. CLERK, U.S. DISTRICT COURT FOR THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA" where it was ruled that "Pursuant to this bicameralism requirement, a bill must be passed in identical form by both chambers before it can become a law."

The one thing that sets America apart from other countries is the fact that we are dedicated to the rule of law; that we never let the "Tyranny of the Majority" run wild over the minority; that all are equal in the eyes of the law.Nancy Pelosi's insisting that her being able to amend the Senate Bill and have that mean that both house agree without the Senate ever seeing those changes is unconstitutional and the courts have already ruled on this more than once. Obama's encouraging of this action is beyond disgusting to me as I voted for "Hope and Change" and we already had a President for no respect for the rule of law.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Sleep Deprivation Inspired Eureka Moment

I have been doing research all weekend trying to find the person which I wish to damn for all time, but it seems there is not a single damnable person because Daylight Savings is not an idea born of one mind: it is a conspiracy dating back as far as the Romans to deprive us of sleep. What I need to do now is just find that bastard who said “let's make it Saturday and not day, but rather at 2am while everyone is asleep so they wake up disoriented on the following Sunday” so I can damn him in effigy.

The late Saturday night idea for DLS has to have come from a politician. I say that because there is no logical sense in making it so close to a day like Monday where we already dread waking up. Only a politician would come up with the rational of “well, they are already miserable” as the justification for such a sadistic deed. Is not going to work after 48, 47 hours of freedom not cruel enough? Remember, you already TOOK an hour from us!

“OK smart-ass, what would you do” I can hear you thinking and you should really see a doctor. I should not be able to hear your thoughts from such a great distance. Can you hear my thoughts? I really hope not; some are kind of perverted at times and broadcasting those thoughts might get me in trouble...right, DLS!

Assuming we need Day Light Savings, which is something I really don't believe we do although I do love falling back, then the solution is rather simple to this lethargy problem: do it on Friday at 5pm. Why? Simple, most people are off work by that point, but it is early enough that they can choose to adapt early or not. They then go about their Saturday on the new schedule, missing the hour without any major responsibilities that cannot wait, such as work. Then, they wake up Sunday almost adjusted and go about their normal full Sunday. By Monday, the lost hour is a thing of the past; the day is no more painful than it normally is; and I can't think of a third thing. Then, once rested and ready, we can discuss why we still even do this nonsense in the first place.

I Cannot Let This Pass: Texas Board of Education cuts Thomas Jefferson out of its textbooks

The Texas Board of Education has been meeting this week to revise its social studies curriculum. During the past three days, “the board’s far-right faction wielded their power to shape lessons on the civil rights movement, the U.S. free enterprise system and hundreds of other topics”:

– To avoid exposing students to “transvestites, transsexuals and who knows what else,” the Board struck the curriculum’s reference to “sex and gender as social constructs.”

– The Board removed Thomas Jefferson from the Texas curriculum, “replacing him with religious right icon John Calvin.”

– The Board refused to require that “students learn that the Constitution prevents the U.S. government from promoting one religion over all others.”

– The Board struck the word “democratic” from the description of the U.S. government, instead terming it a “constitutional republic.”

As the nation’s second-largest textbook market, Texas has enormous leverage over publishers, who often “craft their standard textbooks based on the specs of the biggest buyers.” Indeed, as The Washington Monthly has reported, “when it comes to textbooks, what happens in Texas rarely stays in Texas."

Main Story

Friday, March 12, 2010

Let "The Great Nothing" Commence

"So Brad, what are you going to do this weekend?"


"Nothing? I'm sorry."

I'm not, not even a little. In fact, I have been counting down all week to the "Great Nothing" that will be my weekend. Laundry? Nope. Cleaning? Not a chance. Food shopping? OK, that may be done, but that is it! Other than waking up, which I may skip on Saturday, I plan on sitting on my couch and watching movie after movie after movie. Why? Because I can.

What brought this on? My co-workers and overhearing them bitch about their spouses and how little these poor guys want to do on their days off after working all week. One co-worker even complained that her husband dare want to spend time with his family when the lawn needs mowing! WTF? Did they marry the men they loved or simply the most handy guy they could find? I decided that someone had to take a stand for all those married men who can't stand on their own by not standing for 48 hours and doing JACK SHIT!

I am inviting all my single friends, male and female alike, to join me this weekend in the "Great Nothing" and just relax and enjoy the time away from other people's duties.


Monday, March 08, 2010

I STILL Hate You, AT&T

I got my tax return on Saturday. That should be good news, right? I should start planning all those projects that my home requires, but was simply lacking the funds to do, right? I should buy myself a present maybe, like that new Netbook I bought on Thursday, right? Well, thanks to you AT&T, and your taking of the money I had set aside for my credit card bill, now NONE of that will be done....ok, I already did the Netbook, but wouldn't have if I had known you were about to fuck me anally without the use of lube....sorry mom.

My tax return was not the bonanza it usually is this year for some reason, but it was enough that I could repay my parents, put some in savings, and still have some fun (see Netbook.) Now, it all goes to my credit card. Why? Because you forced me to give them the minimum payment you schmucks!

Ya know, most companies will TURN OFF SERVICE after two months and then I would know you were not getting my automatic payment. I would have said "funny the phone isn't working. I know it is automatically paid every month and I know there is money in my account, so something must be wrong" and I would have taken care of it when it was only like $150! No, you waited FIVE MONTHS! FIVE? FIVE? WTF?

So now, thanks to you, you evil whore of a corporation, I had to deposit the entire tax return and earmark it for the credit card company. Thanks for screwing me once again AT&T!

You really have perfected the art of screwing your customers. You have hit the trifecta with me now.

Friday, March 05, 2010

Today's Theme: I HATE YOU AT&T!!!

Oh my yes AT&T, how I loath you. I wish I could hate you more than I already do, as I have hated you this deeply for so long that it is losing it's thrill, but there is no lower level to my hate yet. You have passed Hitler. You have passed Spice Girls. You have even passed that baby crying in the back row of Shutter Island, and that takes skill. I hate you like Kirk hated Khan; like Jerry hated Tom; like Palin hates thinking.

It is not enough to suck completely at every facet of what you claim to do, my dear AT&T, but you take pride in your sucking. You brag about the "Retention Department" as if having so many people threatening to quit your service that you had to start a subsection of customer service is a good thing. Most companies don't piss off their clients to the point of wanting to quit the service on such a frequent basis. You should look into it.

Here is a novel idea by the way: fire all your customer service people and promote the Retention Department to the front lines? It has gotten to the point now that, when I call you, I just ask for them right out since 9 out of 10 of my calls to you ends up there anyway. It makes me feel bad for them since they are usually quite nice and I am usually quite pissed after dealing with: first, finding your number; second, the "press one, now press three, did you mean two" menu I have to navigate; third, the inbred who answers the phone; fourth, the "non-caring floor supervisor" who did the inbreeding; and then the brilliance of the manager who says there is nothing he can do. Somehow, Retention ALWAYS fixes the problem.

Dealing with you first thing on a Friday is not the way I want to start my weekend. You are on notice now that I am seeking an alternative. I have found Comcast for my internet; I already canceled my DirecTv, and, once I find a new home phone, you can kiss my ass AT&T!

You suck rotten pig eggs in the deepest corpuscles of Hell.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Dr Seuss

There are spots in my memory that can never be replaced
And these are the things with who I am are interlaced
So, from the Zax, to the the Lorax, to the Sam that I am
From the places I'll go and the things I will plan
From the made up words that somehow made sense
To the warring butter parties on opposite sides of the fence
With Sneeches who happen to love their stars
To Sneeches who have none upon thar's
The Who hearing Horton up in the nest
To the turtle stuck on the bottom, just wanting a rest
From the 5000 Fingers of Dr T
To the Cat in the Hat with Things 1, 2, and me
Happy Birthday Theodor Geisel better known as Dr Seuss
You were a "one of a kind" they will never reproduce.

Slightly weak I know, but I am at work and didn't have long to write it.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Reasoned Rational Reaction

It's so hard to glimpse at Heaven
When you know you're on the path to Hell
And it is futile to understand the reasons
When the pain you know too well
And the strength that once was your armor
Becomes a prison for your soul
An empty ceramic vessel
Where violent thoughts seek control
Directionless anger battering
Against the walls of reasoned rational thought
Forcing your gaze on the things you lack
Instead of shining the spotlight on what you've got
Repetitive in the redundancy
The redundant path to dismay
I willingly walk the corridor
Try to follow
I will show the way

Friday, February 19, 2010

One Day...

One day, on the green grassy ground there stood a furry bunny named Blabbido. Why "Blabbido?" Because bunnies only speak Bunny and of course it would sound weird to you; you are a human. It sounded weird to me the first time I heard the story too.

I said "Blabbido?! What the fu..." well, you get the point. It stopped the story dead in it's tracks due to my confusion over Blabbido. I had to ask the person telling it to me to spell Blabbido for me, as I intended to make it a blog post someday. Lucky for you I am writing it instead of orally telling you so that you don't have to guess as to the proper spelling of Blabbido. One day I hope to make the tale a blog post, but I digress..

There was, on the green grassy ground, a brown furry bunny named Blabbido. I did mention he was brown before, right? Not that it is an important detail or anything, but I would hate to cause the story to pause again due to losing you so early on.

Ok, on the green grassy ground, a brown furry bunny named Blabbido hopped along a secret trail only seen by furry bunnies. It was odd that the fuzzy bunnies couldn't see it, but they were not really known for their powers of observation. This is no slight against the fuzzy bunnies I assure you; it is just that the fuzzy tends to cover the eyes. You see, fuzzy is far less manageable than furry. Even rabbits have bad hare days....get it? Fine, back to the tail. Not funny either, huh?

One day, on the green grassy ground, a brown furry bunny named Blabbido hopped along a secret trail only seen by furry bunnies when he heard a squawk from above. He looked up to see a brown feathery hawk circling above his head. Again, the color is not really relevant to the story, so don't bother remembering it or looking for some deep symbolic meaning or anything. To be honest, I think most hawks are brown.

So Blabbido sees a hawk above his head and he notices, off in the distance, is a herd of fuzzy bunnies grazing in a special "fuzzy bunny section" of the field.

I don't mean to imply the fuzzy bunnies are fat or in any way "cow-like" by my use of the words "herd" and "grazing;" I just am not sure what to call a bundle of bunnies. I guess I could have said "bundle of bunnies" in retrospect. If only there was some way to delete that and re-write it.

Anyway, unlike furry bunnies, the fuzzy bunnies did have issues with the furry bunnies and did see themselves as superior. It was not really their fault though; remember the obstructed vision problem of the fuzzy bunny.

So Blabbido, who sees a hawk above his head, runs off to join the heard of fuzzy bunnies. The fuzzy bunnies see Blabbido and run off in a bigoted panic. The hawk, let's name him Squawk, swoops down to grab Blabbido, misses and, in the chaos, grabs a fuzzy bunny for dinner instead.

Did Blabbido cause the death of the fuzzy bunny?

Did Squawk?

Did the fuzzy bunny's bigotry?

I would like 5000 words on this; double spaced; old English, by Monday. Thank you and have a great weekend.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

The Bored Post

I am bored with nothing to do. And before you suggest it mom, there is no way in Hell I am starting any sort of cleaning project at 9:13 PM on a Monday. Actually, the Monday part is irrelevant because there really is no day I would start any sort of cleaning project at 9:13 PM. Come to think of it, the PM is not really necessary either since there is absolutely zero chance of me cleaning anything at 9:13 AM, so I guess I can just say there is no chance of any cleaning occurring at 9:13, be it day or night, rain or shine, 365 days a year. And YES, I will clean at 9:13 on a Leap Year if the mood happens to strike me and the moon is full on that night.

Based on the above, one of three distinct options has to have crossed your mind: 1) I am really bored; 2) I am not sober; 3) I am slightly disturbed mentally; or all of the abov....shit, that is four distinct options technically.

I think there are flies fucking in another room. I am going to go watch. Insect porn live and in 3D! Who can deny it?

Saturday, January 30, 2010


It's a dream
It's real
It's a real dream
A wet dream
A nocturnal emission
Drug induced in a cheap motel room tribute
Biblical in nature
Circular in shape
Arrogant in disposition
Fullback in position
French souffle' surprise
My eyes can't take the stares of the masses
Late for classes
Rambling in the frost bitten haze of youth
Folly and misguided
Given to miss and miss to given
The world turns slowly outside a counter-clockwise cafe
Have you seen it
My dream
It's real

Monday, January 25, 2010

Why Already? Just Why?

Why don't we double other letters? What makes "U" so special that it gets its own space, waits a letter, then doubles itself and pretends to be an entirely different letter? Technically speaking, the "Double U" looks more like two "V's." Really! What does this look like to you: W? Does it look like "UU" or like "VV?" Are we prejudice against the letter "V?" Does "U" get special status because it is a vowel? If so, why no "Double A" or "Double I?" OK, AA is Alcoholics Anonymous and a Double I is a bi-clops, but you get the point! There are not 26 letters, there are 25 with one doubled! Get it right!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

The Boredom

A boredom has set in. I can feel in deep within the marrow of my bones. I can feel it pulse in my veins. It is a very thick, almost syrupy boredom with far reaching tentacles and testicles to match. It is one of those "all encompassing" boredom's that makes even the most exciting activity you can imagine uninteresting.

"Wanna go to a concert?"

Naw, I think I'll just watch tv.

"Wanna go to a bar?"

Naw, I think I'll just stare at the wall.

"Wanna go see a movie?"

Naw, I think I'll just watch flies fuck.

"Wanna go have a guaranteed easy lay with a Super Model?"

Naw, I think I'll just....well, my mom reads this blog, but you get the point. I am BORED!

And before you suggest it, having another person around me would not have prevented this attack on my motivation, but rather would have spread into them as well causing a "Sloth Epidemic" of Biblical proportions. It is actually for the best, at times like these, that I am solitary.

Could you imagine what would happen if my lethargy actually escaped into the vast sprawling metropolis that is Miami? Think of what would happen if millions of people suddenly became disinterested and totally lethargic to the point that even their automatic body functions start to complain about having to work. I guess, more to the point, think of what WOULDN'T happen!

Come to think of it, this town is so coked up and on a myriad of other drugs that I doubt lethargy is even a possibility for the South Beach crowd. They would actually probably pay top dollar to score some of my unmotivational slack. I could just stand on some corner in downtown Miami and just speak to people for $10 a minute.

My boredom is airborne and easily transmitted. I don't even have to speak for it to pass so long as my words still convey the utter disparaging endlessness of boredom. Even text will do in a pinch. Perhaps I should have included that in a warning at the beginning, huh? Better late than never I suppose.

The previous text contained subliminal boredom codes that was acting on the receptors within the "unknown science-type name" of your brain; the left side to be specific. I designed it that way so that only the right handed people would be affected by it. THE LEFT HANDED PEOPLE WILL PREVAIL!

PS-I am still bored.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

While I May..

While I may sing the body electric and I am considering celebrating the me yet to come; I will not toast to my own reunion when I become one with the sun because I don't drink, I suck at giving toasts, and that sounds WAY too hot. I will look back on Venus and I will may look back at Mars if I make it to Jupiter, but I certainly will not burn with the fire of ten million stars because, once again, far too hot. Besides, in time, yes in time, we will all be stars, right?

Friday, January 01, 2010

Holy Phuck Batman!

I had not been to a Phish show since 2003, and that was my sole show since 1995, so to say I was out of the loop is an understatement. I went to the night before last night's show, but it was rather weak and I ended up leaving shortly after the start of the second set. It was not bad per say, but there was little energy and my friend was getting bored. He tried to pretend he wasn't for me, but I could tell and we left.

The experiances of the previous night left me not totally looking forward to the New Year's Eve show, but I had many MANY friends I had not seen in years coming down for it and I had to see them even if I was not motivated for the show. I had plans in my head to leave early again.

Before the show, I met up with my long lost friends at the Hyatt and, despite the decade or so since I last saw them, no time had moved between us; we picked up right where we ended. Jodi was still Jodi in every way she could be and Brett was Brett and I was 25 again.

Brett, being my high school friend, college room mate for years upon years, and oldest friend, naturally got my pre-show attention. It had been far too long since I last saw him; got to meet his fiance, and just reveled in how great he was doing. I actually got into the show a tad bit late as a result of hanging out with him, but it was showtime and I was hungry.

I entered the American Airlines Arena as AC/DC Bag was playing as the opener and I suddenly got very psyched. We had called this song being played tonight. The only thing I could hear that was any better as I approached my seat was "Brad" in Jodi's voice and can you believe I heard it? She was in the section right next to mine, so naturally I never saw my seat. This was our first show together since 1995! I got to meet and hang out with her, her husband (a really nice guy) and her friends, some of whom I actually knew from back in the day. A very deja vu night thus far, and it was only going to get stranger.

Phish, the reason for this gathering, was beyond on fire the entire night; barely slowing down or even stopping between songs. I found myself begging for a slow song just so I could stop dancing and sit down, but Phish clearly had other plans.

As Bathtub Gin turned into Punch You In the Eye (the song I wanted more than anything else) turned into the Moma Dance turned into a relentless Guyute, my legs just cried for mercy. Some relief was had during Swept Away and Lawnboy, but it was short lived as Julius closed the first set and Jodi's husband summed it up perfectly with "I can't believe we have two more of those to go." Holy fuck did we.

The Second Set began fooling me into thinking there might be some rest before the New Year kicked in as Rock and Roll was played, but Simple really showed that to be a false hope and Theme from the Bottom sealed the deal. Ghost into a surprising NO2 and Suzie Greenberg closed the last break to be had of 2009.

Party Time opened the third set. A song I never heard before, but it worked as a perfect lead up to the dropping of the disco ball to bring in 2010. Now my favorite Phish show is the NYE show from 1995 because of a rocking Down with Disease that followed Auld Lang Syne and I cannot hear one without hearing the other, so I was praying we would get one and the Phish gods were listening.

Confusion overtook the Miami....erm, American Airlines Arena as a giant cannon was brought onto the stage and Fishman, the drummer, was loaded into the disco ball which was then loaded into the cannon and fired towards a giant X.

It never made it and there was a feeble attempt to find his remains in the audience before "Sarah" answered Trey's cry of "does anyone know how to play drums" and finished the set with an amazing Fluffhead, Joy, Squirming Coil and You Enjoy Myself.

It was during Joy that I took my leave of Jodi and her husband and began my trek back home. I heard Coil start as I was leaving the Arena and knew You Enjoy Myself was all that was left. While I enjoy that song on tape, you can't fast forward through those annoying parts when live and they have a nasty habit of making that song really annoying sometimes.

It was an amazing show with amazing friends who proved that old thought that true friends remain true friends regardless of time spent unseen. I love them so. 2010 is looking good so far.