Friday, February 29, 2008

Friday: Two Clean and a Dirty

For today’s “It’s Friday,” we are going to send you into the weekend with a smile on your face.

Rodney Dangerfield: My old neighborhood was tough. I once asked a cop how long it took to walk to the subway station and he said he didn’t know; no one’s made it yet.

Mitch Fatel: Sometimes, when I am having a muffin, I think “my G-d, this is better than sex” and sometimes, when I am having sex, I think “my G-d, this is really expensive; I should have bought a muffin instead.”

The first joke I heard upon moving to North Carolina: A man wants his wife to go duck hunting with him because they had lived together for twenty years, he loved to duck hunt, and she had yet to go with him even once. He decided it was time to force the issue with an ultimatum and took this decision to her.

“Honey,” he said, “I want you to go duck hunting with me. I know you always say no, but this time I am going to give you three options to choose from: you can go duck hunting; you can give me a blow job; or I am going to go up your butt. It is your choice. I am going to check on the dogs and when I come back I want an answer.”

She began a slight panic. She really did not like any of her options.

Fifteen minutes later, the husband came back into the house and said “well, what’s it gonna be?”

His wife responded with “well, I ain’t gonna go kill nothin’ and you sure as shit ain’t putting nothin’ up my ass, so I guess I’ll suck your…”

Gratified, the man said “OK then” and dropped his pants. His wife moved into position, but jerked her head back at the last minute with a disgusted look on her face. “Honey,” she said, “your dick smells like shit.”

“Yea,” he answered looking down, “one of the dogs didn’t want to go either.”

Happy weekend and enjoy the mental picture.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Lights Out, Uh-Huh

You will think me quite the jester by the tale I am about to tell, but I assure you that this tale is 100% true except where it isn't. Oh, you will scoff at me for trying to "get this story past you," but it really is almost true in every regard; save for the one or two places I embellished it, but that is only because it really is not all that interesting of a story when push comes to shove. It is simply just what happened to me (again) today and it is the (again) part that is going to have you not believing it.

You see, today, while at work, looking on the internet for the proper uses of a comma, and formulating the Emmy award winning post I was about to bedazzle you with, the power, once again, died at my office. There was no accompanying explosion to be heard this time and the chaos was spread about much more fairly this time with the entire county suffering this time around, but the end result was still the same: I went home and took a nap. This time, however, I avoided the bed and went the sofa route.

I am not great at math, but by my calculations, this is 2 out of three working days that the power has gone out on me. Am I cursed? Is this a sign? Should I see an eye doctor? Is this a Republican plot to stop my world domination? I just don't know, but I promise you answers as soon as I get them or can make them up.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Is It Friday Already and Other Classics

"So what happened to the Friday update today?"

A question a child might ask, but not a childish question. Today, from KHWL Books comes the first in a twelve part series devoted to answering the question: What Became of the Friday Update?

The first book in the series, entitled "Is It Actually Friday Already" will delve deep into the various conspiracy theories floating around the internet. From "it's not Friday yet" to "government cover-up of leaked UFO intell," you can read it all in "Is It Actually Friday Already," only available through KHWL Books.

Many people tell a story of a car crashing into an electrical poll outside Kanrei's office on this day, causing a mass blackout in the building and causing the office to close early. The story continues that Kanrei came home and, rather than napping on his couch, went into his bed and, rather than napping, actually fell alseep and awoke many hours later. Some even believe, after waking up, he forgot what day it was until he saw VE asking about the Friday update. OF course, that is only rumor.

Order now while supplies last. Have a great weekend.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Kanrei '08: The Proof part II -OR- Bwahahahahahaha!

I don't have to add anything. This is real and from here.

Paris Hilton has reportedly been banned from the Oscars.

The hotel heiress - whose latest movie The Hottie and the Nottie grossed just $9 000 at the US box office in its opening weekend - was devastated after being told she couldn't attend the prestigious event on Sunday night.

A source said: "She cried hot, salty tears when she was banned from the Oscars. She's desperate to be taken seriously as an actress and hoped she would be able to network with film executives."

Paris - who infamously starred in home video sex-tape One Night in Paris - had even splashed out $3.9m on a designer dress for the ceremony at Hollywood's Kodak Theatre.

'The Simple Life star is now considering going to one of the many after-show parties but may have to wear a disguise.

A source added to Britain's Daily Star newspaper: "She's tempted to go to the parties afterwards but might wear her trademark wig to save her dignity."

Vote Early
Vote Often

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Kanrei '08: The Proof

If you had any doubt that a world ruled by yours truly would not be a better place, just look at all the wonderful things that have happened since I announced my plan.

I announce my plan for world domination yesterday, and today Obama and Hillary are warring over stolen words. Yes, my candidacy has them so scared that they no longer trust the strength of their own words and must now “borrow” words from more successful and stronger political minds. Score one for the Kanrei!

I announce my plan for world domination yesterday, and today Castro steps down from power in Cuba. Don’t think that has anything to do with me? Remember, Castro is only ninety-one miles from the South Florida compound from which my world domination will be orchestrated. He may be evil, corrupt, and Communist, but he obviously ain’t crazy! Would you want to be evil and only ninety-one miles away from “Whoop-Ass Central?” Score two for the Kanrei!

I announce my plan for world domination yesterday, and today Toshiba backs out of the HD war with their tail between their legs. Why? Simple really: because Kanrei owns a Blu-Ray player and HD-DVD was a threat. They obviously saw which way the wind was blowing and thought it better to be on the future global ruler’s good side. Score three for the Kanrei!

I announce my plan for world domination yesterday and today the WGA strike ends. OK, yes it actually ended last week, but that was mainly due to the rumors of my eventual global domination campaign. They know damn well that I need my “My Name is Earl” and the way that last episode ended was not acceptable. New episodes start April 3rd. Score four for the Kanrei!

Four points in one day! Come on and join the winning team. Kanrei ‘08: Vote Early and Vote Often.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Kanrei '08

I have decided to reveal to all, my plan for world domination. I realize that telling you the details of this plan increases the risk of you stopping it, but I am gambling on your actually liking a world under my control and therefore see telling you the details of my plan more a step towards compliance. How could I possibly expect you to follow my will if I don't reveal my will to you?

Step one: convince the public that I am worthy of leadership. This should be a relatively short step that I plan on beginning and ending with the announcement of my ruler...ship...dom. Hell, once I rule, it will be called a "Rulershipdom" and no one will dare say "there is no such word!"

Back on point, my qualifications for ruling are simple: after Clinton and Bush, how much worse could I possibly be? I realize that the office of the President was once the highest honor the country could bestow upon an individual, but those two really have kind of cheapened the office; wouldn't you say? I think of the Oval Office more as some kind of “frat house” now with all that sex, drugs, and nepotism and damnit, I like sex, drugs, and nepotism got me where I am today, so I think I am ready.

The other reason why I should lead: I thought of it first.

Step two: round up those few stubborn people who refuse my Rulershipdom and move them to New Jersey or Detroit. This is not banishment so much as a reconditioning. People who live in New Jersey and Detroit really seem to dig living there which is a clear sign of low standards. My hope is that a few weeks surrounded by these people will lower the hold-out’s standards and thus make my leadership of the Rulershipdom a bearable alternative.

Step three: dance and party in the noon-day sun. This step is self-explanatory. Under the "Kanrei Rulershipdom," every day that has a vowel in it will be a national holiday and only those with vowels in their names will have to work. Since “Kanrei” is more of a title than a name, I will not have to work ever. My name is Brd.

This is my plan. While shallow, weak, and basically worthless, it is more of a plan than anyone else seeking President has offered.

Kanrei in 2008. Vote Early and Vote Often.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Take One Part "Fri" and Add Two Parts "Day"

My Fellow Lemmings,

Good Morning and welcome back to another edition of KHWL's original production of "It's Friday." As many of you don't know because I forgot to post here, I am on vacation this week and that has been the reason for a lack of updates. This is actually the first time I have turned on my computer all week. I just wanted to stop by and say "Hello" to everyone and remind you to have a great weekend. I will be back on Sunday.


Monday, February 11, 2008

Lemming News Strike News Update

I realize that I have been negligent on my coverage of the Lemming Strike, but you must understand that, by the very nature of a strike, there really has been no news to report. The Lemmings are on strike which means they are not jumping off cliffs, not following leaders, not doing any of the “lemming” behaviors that I would normally be reporting on so, I suppose that I too am therefore on strike, although I am not striking for anything in particular other than for the Lemmings to do something, anything that I can report.

There was an almost interesting development the other night on the strike line actually; something almost news worthy even. The alien zombie invasion had made its way to the striking grounds a few hours before I was successful in fighting them off. There was a short period of time where the striking Lemmings found themselves stuck between a cliff and a horde of raging alien zombies. They had to think quickly if they were going to break the strike and jump off the cliffs or if they were going to stick by their collective bargaining brethren and become appetizers for the alien zombie masses. Luckily for them, I arrived at the last possible minute with my chainsaws and Hostess Twinkies and saved the day for Lemming-kind everywhere.

In retrospect however, I should have held off until the Lemmings made their choice since that would have been news I could have reported. While I could report the details of my heroic battle with the alien zombies in order to save the striking Lemming masses, that would be bragging and one thing Kanrei does not do is brag. My coolness is so obvious that there is little reason for me to rub it in.

R.I.P. Roy Scheider

My life’s first monster slayer has passed away today. Roy Scheider, the man who played Chief Brody and killed Jaws, passed away Sunday night at age 75. R.I.P. Chief.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Zombie Rant

Zombie misunderstood. Why shoot zombie? What zombie do? Zombie think you be happy zombie prove life after death, but no. Instead, you shoot zombie. Zombie may be dead, but being shot still hurt zombie; physically and mentally. Ruins suit too. Bad enough zombie flesh falling off without you putting holes in zombie's suit.

Do you think it is easy getting out of a buried grave? There six feet of dirt usually, not to forget also the coffin zombie wakes up to find self in. When zombie break lid, zombie have tons of dirt fall in on top of zombie, further ruining zombie suit. You would be grouchy too.

Zombie also does not ask very much. Most people zombie meet don't use brains anyway, so losing is no big deal. Zombie sorry damaging skull only way to get brain out, but the "twist off" model of human has yet to become popular. Mental institutions do have twist off humans, but they also usually already have the sweet spot of the brain removed. Zombie like brains "pre-lobotomy."

So that is what is on zombie Kanrei's mind tonight. Don't bother telling zombie what on your mind. Zombie like surprises and your brain look tasty.

Friday, February 08, 2008

IT's FRI.....

Hello and welcome to yet another edition of "It's Friday." I am your host, Kanrei, and I am afraid I am too tired today to write a proper "It's Friday" column. I was up most of the night last night fighting off an impending alien zombie invasion and therefore really did not get much sleep.

Well, the actual fighting off the invasion part was over rather quickly, but something about the combination of body parts, chainsaws, and Hostess Twinkies that really makes a really huge and rather scary mess. I was actually up until 9:30 this morning scrubbing and burning, hacking and slashing, grinding and then wiping most of the night away. Bleach really does not do much for "zombie stains," but holy water works miracles (no pun intended). I am beat, but not as badly beaten as those pesky alien zombie are. You are welcome.

So, without really needing to say this, I am pooped and ready to sleep all day long…unless this scratch is actually a bite. I don’t remember getting bitten, but this definitely looks like teeth marks in my forearm. How long do you think it takes for a zombie bite to infect a healthy human? Then how long to infect an unhealthy human like myself? Crap, this explains my growing craving for brains.

Legally needed probably: Zombie Poster found here. This site may just save your life...


Thursday, February 07, 2008

Chicken Pizza

My mother mentioned in her post yesterday that she would not lie to me, except for the veal incident. Many of you (unless you were spying on me in my youth) have no idea what the “Veal Incident” is exactly and missed that reference so now it is my pleasure to bring you the “Veal Incident Story.”

It was probably 1983 or 84 or 82 or sometime before 1985. I know it was before 1985 because that was the year I left Miami to live with my father for two years and my mom had stopped her Gourmet craze by that point and it was right in the middle of her Gourmet craze that the “Veal Incident” took place. This would mean we are talking about 1982 almost for certain.

Regardless of the year, my mother was going through a Gourmet craze where she was taking weekly cooking classes and then subjecting her family to the homework. It was the common craze around that time as microwaves were just starting to take over kitchens and mothers everywhere suddenly worried about the diminishing quality of food. Most days it was quite good actually. It was only on the rare occasion that my mom had to resort to “this is not a restaurant” to get me to eat that night’s creation.

One night I came to the dinner table to see spaghetti with a garlic butter sauce and, next to it, some brown round thing with marinara sauce and melted cheese on top of it. My eyebrow cocked immediately as I looked at this bizarre concoction my mother came up with and, seeing my hesitation, she said “eat it, its chicken pizza. You like pizza.” My mom doesn’t lie, so I began eating my chicken pizza and found myself a really big fan of chicken pizza.

Once I told my mom how much I enjoyed it I discovered my mom lied to me because it was not chicken pizza, it was veal parmesan. She knew I would never taste something called “veal” and therefore tricked me into trying it.

Years came to pass and my mother would tell me many more things, some of which I just could not believe. “Have I ever lied to you,” she would often ask. All I needed were two words “chicken pizza” and she would say, “yes, but I am telling you the truth this time, I promise.”

And now you know the “veal incident.” To her credit, the year is now 2008 and that is still the only instance I can think of where my mother lied to me.

I must admit to eating veal every now and then. I quit it for ten years and, during my time not eating it, I found that the production increased and the price went down. All this meant was that my protesting was keeping me from eating something that I liked and did nothing to slow the slaughter down.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

The Unoffically Offical Kanrei' Recap of Super Tuesday

So, I know you all have been waiting on the edge of your seats for “Kanrei’s Recap of Super Tuesday” and I would love nothing more than to give you “Kanrei’s Recap of Super Tuesday,” but I did not pay that much attention to Super Tuesday and therefore am not really that qualified to give you “Kanrei’s Recap of Super Tuesday.” Actually, that lack of qualification is not slowing anyone else down from giving you their recap of Super Tuesday, so there really is no reason why I can’t do “Kanrei’s Recap of Super Tuesday.” Well, now, without further delay, here is “Kanrei’s Recap of Super Tuesday.”

What I found most humorous was how well Ron Paul did in Montana. Ron Paul’s big issue is illegal immigration, mostly from Mexico, and I really do not imagine Montana as having a large illegal Mexican population. Montana voting on illegal immigration is sort of like people in a small mid-western town voting with international terrorism as their top concern: the odds of it happening to you where you are well beneath zero. You stand a greater chance of alien invasion than you do of having Al Qaeda set its sights on Bumfuck, Arkansas. Same thing for Montana and illegal immigration- Americans don’t want to live in Montana so what makes people think Mexicans are risking life and limb to live in an outdoor freezer? I would think Global Warming would be their top issue and I imagine they would be heavily for it up there.

On the Democrat side is the quintessential “clusterfuck” scenario I think everyone saw coming years ago. Right now, the Democrats are a party at war with itself and it stands to seriously derail their road to the White House and possibly give it to McCain. There is the Clinton camp who thinks they own the party; there is the Kennedy camp that used to rule the party and wants to retain control; and then there is the Pelosi camp which is smartly remaining quiet, but wants to run the party in a new and different direction. What this adds up to (in addition to a run-on paragraph) is a Democratic party split in half between Hillary and Obama with neither getting anything close to enough support to win the November race unless these two form a union with one as President and one taking the Vice position, but that will not happen because neither one is willing to take the back seat to the other.

If I were Howard Dean…a scary thought that I am now going to abandon and say instead “if I were head of the DNC,” I would suggest forcibly for Clinton and Obama to work together and for Obama to take the Vice to Hillary’s President and for a simple and very good reason- the President to take the oath after Bush is going to fail and fail big.

For the last eight years, Bush has held back an avalanche with a toothpick wall and that wall is going to break. It is not going to break while Bush is in office, so that means that either Hillary or Obama are going to be in the Oval Office when the snow comes flooding in and, as we all know, the person in the office when it happens is to blame regardless of the facts.

Obama will make a great president one day, but I do not think it is wise to waste four of his eight eligible years to serve as president cleaning up Bush’s mess and learning the nature of the job. I know he has served in the state level for years, but state level politics never deals with international problems and those are the problems we are facing and will continue to face. The costs of error are too great (as we have seen for the last eight years).

I am not endorsing Hillary for President at all because, to be honest, I lose sleep to the thought of her and am not really prepared for history to read “President Bush goes to war in Iraq, followed by President Clinton, followed by President Bush goes to war in Iraq, followed by President Clinton.” I think children have enough problems keeping history straight without going out of our way to screw them like this.

It is looking like it will be Obama, Clinton, or McCain and we must pick one so I think I am going to go with McCain even though my dad hates, HATES McCain and my mom is a big Obama supporter and here is why: he cannot serve more than four years at his age and I think in 2012 Barack will be ready and Hillary will be a memory. We have the Congress and, thanks largely to Bush’s behavior as of late, the White House is neutered. McCain, since he will probably rule much as Bush has, will also therefore be neutered.

Look at it like this, as I said before, the next President is going to serve during the time that all of Bush’s mistakes come home to roost. The next President is going to be a one term failure almost guaranteed due to the overwhelming amount of shit they are walking into so I think it is better to let a Republican fail under the weight of their mistakes than someone who will be a great leader one day, like Obama.

Monday, February 04, 2008


...if yesterday was “Super Bowl Sunday” and tomorrow is “Super Tuesday,” what does that make today since there is no way a Monday can ever be “Super?”

Just a thought…

Friday, February 01, 2008

Super Fwiday

Hello and welcome back. You are tuned into KHWL on the blogger dial, the time is fifty-four minutes after the hour, and it is officially Friday which means it is time for “It’s Friday!!!!”

Today, I have realized that I really, honestly, and sincerely should consider donating my Y chromosome to charity. I am sure K.D. Lang or Ellen DeGeneres could use it since it is so painfully obvious to me that I am not. I did not realize the Super Bowl was this weekend for example. I cannot tell you who is playing in the Super Bowl this year for another example. In fact, upon learning that the Super Bowl is on this Sunday, my first thought was “I hope it isn’t on Fox because I need my Simpsons.” How un-manly is that?

I don’t know why I never got into football. I tried when I was younger. It seemed like one of those prerequisites to being a guy and, since I already had a penis, it seemed like that was the path I should follow. I picked a favorite team (the Dallas Cowboys) and learned the player’s names, nicknames, positions, and what each position was supposed to do. I learned the rules of the sport, the leagues, and how the two leagues interacted with one another.

To this day, I still understand every aspect of the game and can even hold semi-intelligent conversations with other casual fans on the subject and come across as fairly knowledgeable on the subject, but have zero interest in it. I tend to view the Super Bowl through the eyes of a chick: really entertaining commercials broken up with long segments of pointless violence. I wish I knew why.

Oh well, have a great weekend and enjoy the Super Bowl. I hope your team wins by a million points and the goalie gets three homeruns.

You are listening to KHWL and the time is five minutes after the hour.