Thursday, June 24, 2010

My Fake Cigarette Failure

I bought one of those electronic cigarettes yesterday. I have been chewing on straws like a madman and have been staring at smokers in old movies with a jealous feeling, so I thought I would try one of those. I don't want to start buying cigarettes again at all, but I do enjoy the act of smoking and miss it. Well, if you are like me, then DO NOT BUY ONE OF THOSE SCAM TOYS!!! Thank G-d I just had a birthday or else I would be really pissed about this "toy" I bought that never works called the electronic cigarette.

I will not name the maker of this particular scam other than to say it is a combination of what you do with it and the number of states plus Puerto Rico. I think this will make so that, while not leading you to the name, it will help those who were scammed like I was recognize the villain of my tale.

One: It is the most inconsistent product I have ever used in my life. The instruction book claims slow drags will do, but they obviously have never used this product. Slow drags do nothing. You have to suck like you are drinking a milkshake to get it to even try to work. Then, when the red tip is glowing to let you know it is working, you should exhale smoke, right? Wrong. Maybe one in 10 ties do I exhale some little bits of smoke, but most of the time it is nothing.

Two: It tastes like crap! It claims to be tobacco flavored, but I can tell you the flavor is burning paper when you get any. As stated in point one, 9 out of 10 times the thing doesn't work, but you do know when it does because your mouth tastes like, well, from college, when you first lit a joint and only the paper burned, but you had to inhale to get it lit: that is the flavor of this thing.

Three: For something not working, damn does it get hot! I suck and suck and suck trying to get a hit from it and, while it does nothing for me, it must be doing something because the thing become hot enough to, well, light a cigarette off of.

It does have one redeeming feature though. It is really cool to open up the case, assemble your cigarette, smoke it (when it works), and then put it straight from your mouth back into the case. I feel very "Gomez Addams" being able to take something straight from my pocket, put it in my mouth, blow out smoke, and re-pocket it.

If this thing worked, HOLY SHIT would that have been cool, but it doesn't. I am back on the coffee straws for the time being. I am going to try and return it tomorrow, but the place I bought it had a "no refunds" sign. I am going to take one of my cuter co-workers along with me to charm the guy. Cross your fingers.

No comments: