Sunday, December 02, 2007

Post 499 -OR- Tis The Season, Bah Humbug

KHWL is proud to present: Kanrei's Rant. A weekly feature where our very own lemming extraordinaire, Kanrei, will take requests throughout the week for subjects that bother you beyond words, and, on Sunday night, will create a complaining, bitching, ranting, raving, hollering, foaming work of art for your enjoyment. Hey, if a piece of tin welded to an umbrella next to a bucket of piss can be art, then so can these rants, regardless of their quality.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for Kanrei's Rant.

(insert theme music here)
Tis the season to fain neglect
Fa-la-la, la-la, la-la, la, la
My holiday doesn't get enough respect
Wah-wa-wa, wah-wa, wah-wah, wa, wa.
Sure there are others
But they don't matter
Cause mine is the one that I like best
So stop your whining
And join my party
Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha, Haaaaaaaaa!

Yes, that's right, it is my former favorite time of year once again. I loved “free stuff days” as my adolescent self would call them: the Hanukkah and Christmas season. Everyone always perked up around this time of year. Adults enjoyed a relatively lower work load while children dreamed year round of getting that great new bike and having two weeks free from school in which to enjoy it. Then it all changed...

Suddenly, without warning, a war was declared from out of nowhere. This was a war where the only people who seemed to be aware of it were those who felt themselves persecuted by it. There were no casualties as a result of this supposed war, but there have been many since the perceived persecuted have decided to fight back against all enemies; particularly those imagined. Now, because of this, “Merry Christmas” has become the seasonal way of saying “F*ck You” today instead of the warm greeting it once was.

In every parking lot in America today, I personally guarantee that there is, at any given time, at least one car boasting “The Reason for the Season.” Where we once looked at the many faiths as simply many paths to the same place, we now view even acknowledging another faith as a threat to our very own survival. There cannot be any other holiday during any given season- plain and simple. My faith is the right one and, therefore, any other holiday is an offense to my G-d because, in spite of being omniscient and omnipresent, He is very insecure and needs constant reassuring. I worship my G-d because He needs me; supernatural co-dependence compounded with father abandonment issues I would guess, but this way is easier. As long as I see some threat that I must fight against, I can ignore those pesky day-to-day details of my life that haunt my dreams at night.

Two simple questions:

1.If G-d is as powerful as you proclaim, then does He really need you to attack the other faiths? If they really bug Him that much then I am sure He could do something about it.

2.Is any G-d so insecure that He needs a steady stream of reassuring from His followers really worthy of unquestioning devotion?

Ramadan vs Christmas, Ramadan vs Hanukkah, Christmas vs Quanza, It is all pointless and destroys the one central theme to all the holidays of this season- peace on Earth and goodwill towards man.

What we need, and quickly, is the return of the classic Coke commercial from my childhood because “I would like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. I'd like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company."

Is it a coincidence that this ad faded away and the the world went insane?

The views expressed here are those of Kanrei and do not necessarily reflect those of the owners, staff, or advertisers of KHWL.


VE said...

I am SO offended...I drink Pepsi! ;)

Welcome back!

Kanrei said...

Thank you and I forgive you for your mistake. Pepsi is the devil's urine.

Serena Joy said...

Welcome back to the land of the living, oh great Lemming Shepherd. Great rant! I like Coke but gracefully acknowledge Pepsi's right to exist and do whatever it wants.:)

Personally, I think God must be aggravated by the whole concept of organized religions.

Kanrei said...

Thank you. It was restful, but I did miss my fellow lemmings. If only there were some way to not blog, yet blog.

I think, if looked with the proper focus, religion can be a wonderful thing. The problem tends to be with the religious.

Steve Buchheit said...

I want to get a bumper sticker that those that responded to the whole, "My Child Is an Honors Student" bruhaha. It'll say, "My God can whup your God's Ass."

But of course Yaweh and Jehova need co-depend followers like Dobson et al. I mean, God can no longer build a better fire than the other guy's god to prove which is better (how many people can actually build fires anymore?), so this God needs to have better blow hards to show how strong he is.