Thursday, November 08, 2007

Not the "XTC" Song

Dear G-d,

Why, oh why doeth thou feel the need to fuckith with me so often?

Why, oh why doeth thou seem to delight in the torments and trials that You seem so willing to inflict upon me?

Did I do something to offend Thee whilst I lay in the womb? I know I have been redefining perfection since the moment of my birth, so any offence must have occurred during my prenatal period.

Are You really going to hold me accountable for things done during this phase of my life?

I have quit smoking despite the burdens of addiction You felt I needed. Why you felt I needed to not only love, but REALLY LOVE things bad for me I will never know, but You did so I do. I have not lit a cigarette in longer than I can remember (thank you also for the incredibly short memory span as well), yet everyday I find some new store that my favorite brand is being sold in. Now how exactly is that fair?

I smoked Winstons for years and hated Wintsons for years, but they were the only additive-free brand readily available for me to smoke. You introduced me to the joys of additive-free smoking while I lived in Colorado and found the American Spirit brand cigarette and I fel in love.

How was I to know that American Spirit was not a common brand yet?

How was I to know that I would be moving to South Florida, a place where asking “Do you have American Spirit” is viewed more as a residency question instead of a brand selection? For some reason, immigrants really take that question personally. I received more than one “fuck you Gringo” look from cashiers, I can tell you.

So now I kicked the habit and I don’t smoke any longer, but can You guess what brand I now see in every single gas station and convenience store in town? That’s right, dear L-rd, it is American Spirits.

Are you applying for the “Monkeywrench in the Gears of Life Award?” Seven years of not finding them leads to not looking and they are everywhere. Do you really think facing temptation is the only way to overcome it? I was doing fine until now. Out of sight, out of mind worked perfectly, but now You screwed it all up.

I am asking for one simple thing right now- remove them from just one store I frequent please. I know I am strong, but I ain’t Job strong. Besides, testing your followers is the sign of a weak and insecure deity. Show me you don’t need or even want me to follow you and I will follow you anywhere.

Love always,

PS- Could you at least get Joni Mitchells' "Help Me" out of my head? It is enough to make me need a smoke.


VE said...

Sorry Kan, I cannot relate to this one; I don't have an addictive bone in my body. Never even tried smoking, little interest in drinking, no interest in gambling, don't overspend, don't watch TV, etc. Hey, maybe I could sell you the DNA code that counteracts all those vices!

Kanrei said...

You better be addicted to this blog =P. Sounds like you have a "don't" addiction. You are addicted to not doing things. There is help out there. Without vices there would be no Miami Vice. Think about it.

Steve Buchheit said...

Sorry, Dude. When God IM's you back, you can tell him to send the American Spirit outlets up here to Ohio. My sister-in-law could use them.

your mother said said...


ThatGreenyFlower said...

Help me I think I'm falling
In love with cigs
When I get that cranky feelin'
I know God's getting his digs

And I'm in trouble,
'Cause I'm a smoker
He's a joker
Not a sweet-talkin' tobacco-free fan

And we love clean livin'
...Not like we love our smokin'

Scary Monster said...

This little tidbit might just make yer day. American Spirit smokes are gaining poularity here in Lilliput. Me sees them everywhere and has been sorely tempted to try 'em.