Thursday, June 14, 2007

Strange Scenes Inside the Gold Mines

Last night was a strange night. I felt something I never felt before in my life and I really did not like it that much. I felt…wait for it….lonely.

How weird is that? I have lived alone for six years now and have relished every second of it. I have loved coming home to a dark and silent house; loved not speaking for hours on end on weekends, and doing whatever I want whenever I feel. I look at couples and actually pity their lack of security in themselves. I have mocked those who “need” another person to validate their lives. I have never understood how a person could voluntarily give up their isolation in exchange for some mindless and pointless banter, until last night. Last night I wanted another person around to talk to, to share my excitement with.

It was 100% pure selfishness that caused my loneliness and I realize I still have yet to think about what someone else might expect of me, but it is a start I suppose. Wanting another person around might just cause me to re-examine myself and see what parts could use some tweaking. I love who I am, but that does not mean I am the best me I can be. Maybe being around another person will force me to grow beyond what I thought I needed.

It is honestly longer than six years I have been alone, it is only six years that I have been living alone. Prior to that, I had roommates and friends, but no significant other. I have been single since 1994 and never once felt the need to alter that until last night.

Funny how these things creep up on you sometimes. Maybe it is my coming birthday causing me to want some changes in my life. The interesting thing is going to be to see if I get lonely again tonight or if last night was just a one shot deal.

7 comments:

joanie78 said...

It's a start.

littlebirdblue said...

Kanrei,
Being alone is great. I love being alone. I love hanging out with my dogs (or cats, when cats live with me instead of/as well as dogs). I really don't want anybody near me when I'm writing, or settling in to play some extended computer game campaign, or reading a really good book.

But being with someone you like --who likes you-- is also good. You shouldn't view the two states--togetherness and aloneness--as two diametrically opposing states; just two different states, both of which can be good, both of which can have their drawbacks.

Don't shut yourself off to possibilities. Change can sometimes be very, very good--and it doesn't always mean giving something up.

Serena Joy said...

I love my "alone" time, but I think it's an inherent human need to have other people to talk to, to interact with, to simply "be there," and/or to ... kiss. I've told you before that I think you need an intelligent but independent, non-clingy woman in your life. Perhaps it's time. Perhaps that's the meaning of the smoke signals your brain is sending you.:-)

Kanrei said...

But you and Birdie are taken and Roxan loves being alone more than I do. So few options =D

Serena Joy said...

Oh, I'm not taken, baby.:-)

Variant E said...

Yeah...and those voices that talk to me...they don't count!

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