Thursday, December 04, 2008

The Rejected Lost Post

After 72 hours in edit-Hell, I have withdrawn this piece after they rejected one time already. I admit it is not my best work, but I don't think it was all that bad.

To: the Children of Tomorrow
From: a Child of Yesterday
Subject: the Confusing Events of Today

Let me start by saying this up front: I’m sorry. We really did not think this all the way through and we obviously did not learn from the mistakes of our past, so I feel that some member of this generation should apologize and make amend. I am willing to take the hit and say once again that I am sorry. Learning history and keeping names and dates straight is hard enough without our complicating it further. The last fifteen years or so almost appears like we have gone out of our way to make it difficult for you, but I swear it just is how things worked out. I can only offer you this as a sort of study guide to help you steer through the confusing mess we've left in your history books.

1. Barack Hussein Obama and Saddam Hussein are not related. I realize Hussein is not all that common of a name in our history prior to 1991, but it really is coincidence and they are not related in any way, shape, or form despite what opinion pieces you make have unearthed during some archeological expedition.

2. Obama and Osama are not the same person. Osama is the one with the Mel Gibson beard and the bad kidneys who we can't find while Obama is the guy who has not been sworn in as President just yet, but is seen more often than the current President is and listened to more.

3. George H. W. Bush went to war with Saddam Hussein in 1991 to liberate Kuwait while George W. Bush went to war with Saddam Hussein in 2003 to…well, we're not totally sure. Amazing what a difference a letter makes. Also, unlike the previous Obama Hussien/Saddam/ Osama confusion, these Bushes are actually related.

4. Bill Clinton served two terms (1992, 1996) as President and it was Hillary Clinton who was in the Senate and ran for President in 2008. Bill was instead eager to get back to the White House Interns.

5. Hillary, not Bill, was selected as Secretary of State for Obama's, not Osama's cabinet. Osama's cabinet is not that large and most of the space is taken up by his portable nuclear powered dialysis machine and his copy of "How Not to Be Seen" by Monty Python.*

*Bill Clinton, the former President, will probably take over Hillary's Senate seat, so references to Senator Clinton from New York probably will be as confusing to you as which Bush waged war on Iraq when. Neither Clinton however should be confused with Governor DeWitt Clinton of New York who built the Erie Canal or George Clinton of the Parliament Funkadelic who filled the 70's with funk and brought us Bootsy Collins, who then helped us learn about Dee-Lite and showed us that the groove was in the heart all along.

I really had though that the confusion we underwent trying to keep Teddy Roosevelt straight from Franklin Roosevelt and remembering which Kennedy was President, which was Attorney General, and which was a drunk with a problem crossing bridges, would have kept us from further political dynasties, but it didn’t. Instead we used initials to keep them straight, such as FDR and JFK, and they slowly got lost in the alphabet soup that is our government (DEA, FBI, CIA, CDC,etc) so much so that we really don't know which is a former President, which is a government agency, and which is the international airport our flight is leaving from.

I beg you to learn from our mistakes and please try to keep some variety in the names of your leaders so that future generations can keep their history straight and perhaps actually learn from it instead of repeating it over and over again.

1 comment:

VE said...

Here's the rejected comment to the reject post. Very good post, Kan. I like it!!!! ha ha