Screech and the Dirty What?

By Kanrei
I have a weakness and I fully admit it. I have thought about seeking help, but have always decided just to come to terms with my weakness. Sometimes it is easier to do than others. Sometimes it appears G-d is against me and wants my weakness to get the better of me. I will show Him and the rest of the world that I can overcome my addiction to cheesy pop culture one day, but it cannot be today.

Many people love pop culture because there are so many cool aspects of it to appreciate. 99.5% of pop culture is so amazing. There are the comic books and their impact on society as American mythology. There are all those old movies and incredibly unreal but true backstage tales. There are the singers and the curses and the deaths that enthrall us all. There are the cars and art work and almost every other aspect of pop culture that is just beyond interesting and then there is the other .5%. This is where my interests lay.

I am fascinated by those things that make each generation cringe with memories of once liking it. I love disco and mood rings and bellbottoms not because I think they are cool, but because it amazes me that so many people once did and I am determined not to let them forget it. The same goes for the really bad 80’s television shows and the horrible 90’s pseudo-commercialized punk. It all makes me laugh and that is what is so important to me.

Every now and then there is a negative side effect to this weakness and that is why I keep trying to overcome it. I know the words to Spice Girls songs and I should not. I get Muppet Show’s Manah Manah song stuck in my head for days on end. I prefer Roadhouse to Shakespeare and I have seen Saved By the Bell more than I care to admit. It is this last one that brings me here today.

Saved by the Bell was one of those shows I saw in college when I was supposed to be in class. It was on after Animaniacs and before Brady Bunch if I remember correctly; I probably don’t. I was usually doing certain things back then that enabled me to comfortably watch those shows and skip class guilt-free. I will say no more because admitting to watching Saved by the Bell at 20 years old is confession enough for one article.

A character from Saved by the Bell was the uber-nerd character they called “Screech”. It was played rather well by Dustin Diamond who just looked like he was an uber-nerd in real life. I still have my doubts as to whether or not he was acting. The poor guy looked like he could never play anything else but “Screech” and it sadly became reality.

Dustin Diamond was typecast as the nerdy sidekick friend and there was nothing he could do about it. His career ended when he grew up and that is a hard thing to come to grips with. He began doing the only things he could do: lifting weights and telling jokes.

Screech has been working the stand-up circuit as of late and is still looking to shake the “Screech” curse. He has tried many things including Fox’s Celebrity Boxing, but nothing has worked so far for him, then he remembered the secret to instant fame.

I hope you are sitting as you read this, but Screech has been seen in a video. It is one of those “Paris Hilton” type videos. It is 40 minutes long apparently and includes such wonderful mental pictures as “Screech and the Dirty Sanchez” while he has two women at one time. The tape is currently being shopped around by a Phoenix agent. It has been offered to "Hustler's Larry Flynt, Vivid's Steven Hirsch and other major distributors of adult video" the New York Daily News is reporting. This means our vision is not safe for very much longer.

It also appears that this is being done with Screech’s approval though I could be very wrong. His manager, Roger Paul is quoted in the Daily News story saying that he has been trying to escape the Screech image for a long time “so this may help me get more bookings."  This tells me approval or just really good damage control.

I do not think it will be enough for some reason. I mean Screech and two women is about as believable as O.J. being innocent. Regardless I am going to curse him for the mental pictures I have endured and may even sue for mental stress.

Oh, and just because I do not feel this story has done enough damage to your psyche, the proposed title for the movie is "Saved by the Smell."

How am I supposed to overcome my weakness when stories like this one keep appearing?

Thank you. Good night. I will be here all week.