The Ballad of Alfred Stevens -or- Horsing Around on the Wife

By Kanrei

This is the story of Alfred Stevens of Santa Barbara, California. Alfred enjoys nature. Alfred really enjoys nature and all of its little critters. Alfred enjoys these critters just a tad bit too much however. If you think you know where this is headed, you are only partly right.

Alfred and his wife went hiking once long ago at La Purisima Mission, which is a park in Santa Barbara. He really had a great time hiking with his wife there and, while he was there he could not help but notice the wondrous animals all about and, more importantly, their “remote location”.

See, Alfred likes animals. It has always been a fantasy of his to be naked around animals while tied to a fence with a rope around his neck. This was not tonight’s fantasy though according to the arresting officer. Have I gotten ahead of myself?

Alfred’s wife had gone out of town for the weekend to visit her mother, so Alfred decided this was his chance to fulfill a life-long dream of decedent perversion. He quickly got in his car and drove off to get his goat on if you will.

After checking into a hotel and going to La Purisima Mission to check on where the animals would be, he went to a local store to “prepare.” A job like this requires a plan and the proper tools and Alfred had put quite a bit of thought into this masterpiece. Alfred decided he would need a gun, 10 feet of rope, a flashlight, and the essentials for any foray into bestiality: olive oil, salt, and a can of feed. Of course he would also need to bring his “A” game because he may never get a chance for this again.

He parked his car by the side of the road and left a note on the windshield which read: “Car Stalled. Looking for a Phone. Be Back Shortly. Thank You. The Owner.” When the cops saw this note on the car parked by a popular trespassing spot, they knew they had someone where they should not be. They parked, put on the night goggles, and began searching La Purisima Mission.

It was in the stables that they found Alfred and they seem to have just watched for a while. Probably shocked, I know I would be.

The officers first saw Alfred lying on his back among the sheep. He got up and went to the horses and stood behind one, then in front of it with his crotch in its face. He next scurried over to where the lambs and ewes were and began spreading feed all about and petting the animals. Have I said he was naked this entire time yet or was that obvious by now?

He next got behind a sheep and the officers heard “rhythmic thumping sounds”. After 30 seconds (you stud) he picked up his can of feed and ran off. Tragically, the direction he ran was right towards the officers who turned on their flashlights and saw our hero Alfred in all his glory. Next to him was a black trash bag containing his clothes and a .357 magnum.

At the police station Alfred explained to the police he did not have sexual intercourse with that animal, the sheep. He proclaimed that he only covered his body with the oats and salt and allowed the animals to lick it off of him. He planned on returning to the hotel later and “jerk off” at a fantasy fulfilled.

While the anus of a sheep or two appeared to have oil, it was impossible to tell if Alfred had sex with any of the animals so he was released after being charged with numerous misdemeanors. The arresting officer is convinced that Alfred did have sex with the sheep, but, without a blue dress it will be hard to prove.

Alfred Stevens is not getting off (bad pun?) scot-free however. Thanks to Smoking Gun.com he will be charged, tried, and convicted in the blogosphere and is the official punch line of the week. If you forget the ending to a joke, just say “Alfred Stevens”. Yes, I took that joke from Lewis Black.

Another Great Find from The Smoking Gun website.