Friday, September 29, 2006

Proposed Involuntary Darwin Award Nominees

By Kanrei

Andrew Wilkins is a carpet cleaner in North Carolina. He is 20 years old and has not made very good choices in his life. He was recently fired from a Dominoes pizza joint after allegedly stealing the cash box. But Andy is no thief and he was determined to prove it, foolishly.

Andrew and his friend, a 21 year old hair stylist named Alex Sawyer decided to take a trip to the location of his former vocation to return a set of keys he forgot to leave. It being 5:30 in the morning did not seem to be an issue to them. Finding the door locked and the store closed was no major obstacle for our duo because, as I mentioned, they already had the keys. They simply opened the door and went in to drop the keys and end their relationship.

There was one small problem with the current plan and it involved brownies. Andy was fired before the new brownie dessert was added to the Dominoes menu. Andy had never had them and was rather hungry. It was certainly the right place, even if it was the wrong time, so he started the oven warming up and got ready to bake some brownies.

About this same time, Officer Mike Kane of the Stallings Police Department was driving his patrol car around the area. As he drove by the strip mall he noticed a single car sitting in the parking lot. Upon getting closer, he noticed the engine was running which means trouble in most cop universes.

The duo of brownie addicts inside noticed the officer around the same time he noticed their car. They decided the best course of action would be to bolt out of the store in plain sight and run for it while the cop was in a car.

Like I said at the start, he makes bad life choices. The five dollar brownies brought the drugged duo two felony charges each. They were caught and the two were charged with breaking and entering and larceny.

"Drugs?" you ask. I forgot to mention: in addition, Alex also had a pipe on her so she got the bonus prize, a misdemeanor paraphernalia charge.

The lack of actual drugs tells me it was the actual culprit in this case. They were stoned and got the munchies at the worst possible time. Andrew simply said at his arrest: "I was just making food, I was hungry."

He really did not see what he did wrong. His crime is obviously being an idiot. I do not think rehabilitation is realistic in this case, so sadly the only option is involuntary Darwin award nominee status. This is also known as “death row”. I mean what if they reproduce?

ANOTHER GREAT FIND FROM SMOKING GUN

4 comments:

Serena Joy said...

Yep, that boy -- and his partner in crime -- deserve a Darwin. LMAO!

missouri-lisa said...

Too funny!

RexZeitgiest said...

To be fair, the brownies are VERY good.......ahahahahahahah What a couple of jabronyies....

The year after high school and before the army, several of my female freinds worked at Saucys Pizza Place......Every night after we would get off work at the drive-in, we would 'break into' Saucys and make a giant, everything goes, pizza.....I bet we did it 40 times before the girls got caught and fired.....

I can still taste the Saucy Pizza flavor.....burp

Variant E said...

Damn. Ok, scratch the "break in Dominoes to bake brownies" off my life to-do list...