Proposed Involuntary Darwin Award Nominees

By Kanrei

Andrew Wilkins is a carpet cleaner in North Carolina. He is 20 years old and has not made very good choices in his life. He was recently fired from a Dominoes pizza joint after allegedly stealing the cash box. But Andy is no thief and he was determined to prove it, foolishly.

Andrew and his friend, a 21 year old hair stylist named Alex Sawyer decided to take a trip to the location of his former vocation to return a set of keys he forgot to leave. It being 5:30 in the morning did not seem to be an issue to them. Finding the door locked and the store closed was no major obstacle for our duo because, as I mentioned, they already had the keys. They simply opened the door and went in to drop the keys and end their relationship.

There was one small problem with the current plan and it involved brownies. Andy was fired before the new brownie dessert was added to the Dominoes menu. Andy had never had them and was rather hungry. It was certainly the right place, even if it was the wrong time, so he started the oven warming up and got ready to bake some brownies.

About this same time, Officer Mike Kane of the Stallings Police Department was driving his patrol car around the area. As he drove by the strip mall he noticed a single car sitting in the parking lot. Upon getting closer, he noticed the engine was running which means trouble in most cop universes.

The duo of brownie addicts inside noticed the officer around the same time he noticed their car. They decided the best course of action would be to bolt out of the store in plain sight and run for it while the cop was in a car.

Like I said at the start, he makes bad life choices. The five dollar brownies brought the drugged duo two felony charges each. They were caught and the two were charged with breaking and entering and larceny.

"Drugs?" you ask. I forgot to mention: in addition, Alex also had a pipe on her so she got the bonus prize, a misdemeanor paraphernalia charge.

The lack of actual drugs tells me it was the actual culprit in this case. They were stoned and got the munchies at the worst possible time. Andrew simply said at his arrest: "I was just making food, I was hungry."

He really did not see what he did wrong. His crime is obviously being an idiot. I do not think rehabilitation is realistic in this case, so sadly the only option is involuntary Darwin award nominee status. This is also known as “death row”. I mean what if they reproduce?

ANOTHER GREAT FIND FROM SMOKING GUN

The Friday Babble

It is officially Friday now. I am sorry about the “teaser” post, but last time I spoke too early of a good Friday I got sent on a three-hour tour. I figured that precedent had been set and I should not let “them” know I was having a good day today. Can you really blame me to be honest?

I am a person who notices patterns and I try to maintain them as best I can. I have noticed that listening to comedy while I drive to work in the morning gives me a better day than music does. I have noticed that traffic on my way to work means that I will have to work for everything all day long while getting all the green lights means things will come easily all day. If I rub the roof of my car when I run through a yellow light I will not get a ticket; if I forget to rub I will. I have already said I was a superstitious person.

For those who have become “main characters” at the lemming house (read the “Charlie” story to understand that one) you know Fridays and I do not get along. To the “guest stars” I should explain a little bit about this issue I have with Fridays. To understand why Friday hates me you will have to go to Friday’s blog and read on it. I cannot and will not answer for it.

I hate Friday because I work for a business that is open seven days a week, but I only work Monday through Friday. This means that on Friday I must do the work for Saturday and Sunday. For those mathematically impaired, that would be (counts on fingers) three days of work in one. Add to that the fact that no one really wants to work on Saturday or Sunday and now you see my dilemma.

I have noticed that Friday reads this blog as well. I realized this when it started easing up on me if I complained here about it, but would get meaner if I said anything positive. It was cosmically really funny, but personally painful.

I want to like Fridays again like when I was a kid. I don’t want to fear Friday. We used to be so close. We used to spend the entire day together. Sure, we had to start the day off with school, but then the night was ours and we would be together every minute of the night. Friday and I were practically married.

Sometime around college, I started working in restaurants and Friday became Monday. I seemed to always get Wednesday and Thursday off and would begin my week with a Friday. So cruel to turn my best friend into my worst enemy, but it happened and we were enemies for the next 10 years. We hated each other until I returned to Miami in fact.

I think Friday missed Miami. Thinking back I realized that we had not gotten along since I moved away. I had sincere hopes that we could mend our differences while here and maybe return to the good old days of yore. We could go back to counting the hours until freedom and go out enjoying the night, but I was not the same and neither was Friday.

Friday and I were enemies and there was nothing I could do to change it. Friday would plot and plan against me every week and I would beat it most weeks and lose others. For the last year or so Friday has won almost every week until I figured out not to let it know.

Friday has ADHD and loses interest if it cannot see a score. If I let it know it has won, it lightens up and coasts to victory. If I let it know it is losing, it tries harder and harder to win. Since Friday is so effective at winning against me, I just hide the score now.

So no post on a Friday means good day and Friday will be none the wiser. I realize Friday now knows my plan, but Friday has no memory and will forget this by Sunday.

A Good _____Day

I am a superstitious person. Not by nature, but rather upbringing, but the end result remains the same: I am superstitious. I avoid walking under ladders, I avoid black cats, I never step on cracks, I throw salt over my left shoulder and I am convinced that talking about a good day will only turn it bad. This is why the “It’s Friday” update has not yet arrived and this does not count as it. This is only an update to tell you why there is no update, but I cannot really tell you without jinxing my day. That should be all I need to say for now. More later I promise.

MMMMM, Nostalgic

To help you smile. Yip-yip-yip-yip. No-no-no-no-no.

The Clown, The Roo, and The Nightmares I am Going to Have

By Kanrei

I know I am outraged right now and I know I am very confused, but I cannot tell which I am more. It is like a wave machine right now inside me with each feeling growing then receding in succession. There is even some attempted rationalization happening, but failing. I think I am mostly very confused with outraged coming up its rear.

Growing up I watched a lot of the Bugs Bunny/Road Runner Show. It was the high point of my Saturday mornings and a pleasant memory to this day. The only part I never really liked was the boxing kangaroo and Sylvester. The concept of a boxing kangaroo was just ridiculous to my child mind. Even for a cartoon it was too unrealistic for me. Boy was I ever wrong.

It seems China has an annual event they call the “Animal Olympics” being held for its fourth year at Shanghai Wild Animal Park. It features around 300 animal contestants who compete in various events against other animals. Some events may include zebras running hurdles or mountain goats in a relay race. It may feature an elephant carrying the Olympic torch or possibly feature bear boxing. The Chinese are not known for animal rights I don’t think.

This list of atrocious behavior brings me back to the cartoon with Sylvester and the kangaroo. You didn’t think I was just filling space with that story did you? I would not waste your time except for right here. Sorry about that. I like tangents too much.

This year we had a fight of fights. The Olympic officials, in an attempt to allow equal representation in the competition realized that human beings are, in fact animals. The title for boxing suddenly became open as a man dressed as a clown and wearing boxing gloves challenged the kanga-of-all-roos to a bout. This time it was personal.

The source material only says that the man hit the kanga with a right hook. The kanga fell backwards and recovered quickly from the blow. Shaking it off, the kanga charged the man and its began assault. A grappling move was used to push the clown against the ropes.

The story leaves the fight there, but I really hope the kanga kicked the clown’s ass. I hate animal abusers and I really hate clowns. I have a major severe and deep rooted fear of clowns. Happy clowns, sad clowns, mimes, stupid stuffed clowns, harlequins, you name it I am scared of it. I am not sure why exactly but I have a few ideas.

When I was a child I had a 6 foot clown at the foot of my bed that my parents won in a raffle. They decided to give it to me and there it sat at the foot of my bed. I could feel it staring at me and smiling. It was planning something and I knew it.

As I got older my clown phobia just grew. Things like Poltergeist, It, and the story of serial killer John Wayne Gacy would give me nightmares for weeks. Hell, even Killer Klowns from Outer Space and Scary Movie 2 got me. It became a simple and unavoidable truth of life: clowns are evil.

Stupid tangents got me again. Sorry about that. The reason I am so confused is that I cannot decide if I am more pissed about the treatment of the animals in China or if I am more scared of the pictures I saw with the clown. You may think I am joking, but sadly and tragically I am not.

I really hope that roo kicked that clown’s painted on ass. Stupid, evil spawn of Satan, candy stealing from babies, puppy kicking clowns. I am not going to sleep at all tonight. I already know it. That picture did not help any either.

Screech and the Dirty What?

By Kanrei
I have a weakness and I fully admit it. I have thought about seeking help, but have always decided just to come to terms with my weakness. Sometimes it is easier to do than others. Sometimes it appears G-d is against me and wants my weakness to get the better of me. I will show Him and the rest of the world that I can overcome my addiction to cheesy pop culture one day, but it cannot be today.

Many people love pop culture because there are so many cool aspects of it to appreciate. 99.5% of pop culture is so amazing. There are the comic books and their impact on society as American mythology. There are all those old movies and incredibly unreal but true backstage tales. There are the singers and the curses and the deaths that enthrall us all. There are the cars and art work and almost every other aspect of pop culture that is just beyond interesting and then there is the other .5%. This is where my interests lay.

I am fascinated by those things that make each generation cringe with memories of once liking it. I love disco and mood rings and bellbottoms not because I think they are cool, but because it amazes me that so many people once did and I am determined not to let them forget it. The same goes for the really bad 80’s television shows and the horrible 90’s pseudo-commercialized punk. It all makes me laugh and that is what is so important to me.

Every now and then there is a negative side effect to this weakness and that is why I keep trying to overcome it. I know the words to Spice Girls songs and I should not. I get Muppet Show’s Manah Manah song stuck in my head for days on end. I prefer Roadhouse to Shakespeare and I have seen Saved By the Bell more than I care to admit. It is this last one that brings me here today.

Saved by the Bell was one of those shows I saw in college when I was supposed to be in class. It was on after Animaniacs and before Brady Bunch if I remember correctly; I probably don’t. I was usually doing certain things back then that enabled me to comfortably watch those shows and skip class guilt-free. I will say no more because admitting to watching Saved by the Bell at 20 years old is confession enough for one article.

A character from Saved by the Bell was the uber-nerd character they called “Screech”. It was played rather well by Dustin Diamond who just looked like he was an uber-nerd in real life. I still have my doubts as to whether or not he was acting. The poor guy looked like he could never play anything else but “Screech” and it sadly became reality.

Dustin Diamond was typecast as the nerdy sidekick friend and there was nothing he could do about it. His career ended when he grew up and that is a hard thing to come to grips with. He began doing the only things he could do: lifting weights and telling jokes.

Screech has been working the stand-up circuit as of late and is still looking to shake the “Screech” curse. He has tried many things including Fox’s Celebrity Boxing, but nothing has worked so far for him, then he remembered the secret to instant fame.

I hope you are sitting as you read this, but Screech has been seen in a video. It is one of those “Paris Hilton” type videos. It is 40 minutes long apparently and includes such wonderful mental pictures as “Screech and the Dirty Sanchez” while he has two women at one time. The tape is currently being shopped around by a Phoenix agent. It has been offered to "Hustler's Larry Flynt, Vivid's Steven Hirsch and other major distributors of adult video" the New York Daily News is reporting. This means our vision is not safe for very much longer.

It also appears that this is being done with Screech’s approval though I could be very wrong. His manager, Roger Paul is quoted in the Daily News story saying that he has been trying to escape the Screech image for a long time “so this may help me get more bookings."  This tells me approval or just really good damage control.

I do not think it will be enough for some reason. I mean Screech and two women is about as believable as O.J. being innocent. Regardless I am going to curse him for the mental pictures I have endured and may even sue for mental stress.

Oh, and just because I do not feel this story has done enough damage to your psyche, the proposed title for the movie is "Saved by the Smell."

How am I supposed to overcome my weakness when stories like this one keep appearing?

Thank you. Good night. I will be here all week.

We Need a Better Ribbon for the Old Oak Tree

By Kanrei

I wonder how many people would scream and curse me out if I compared the U.S. troops to criminals. Actually I know the response I would get. I would be called a traitor, anti-American, and a fan of Osama Bin Laden. The truth is that the people saying those things to be would be correct to say that if I compared the troops to a convict. I wonder if those with yellow ribbons on their cars realize this is the statement they are making?

Tony Orlando and Dawn recorded the song “Tie a Yellow Ribbon Around the Old Oak Tree” in 1973. It tells the tale of an ex-con recently released from prison that is on a bus heading home. The man had been in prison for the last three years and lost touch with the love of his life and is returning home to her, but is not sure if she still wants him back after his conviction. He asks her to tie a yellow ribbon around an oak tree as a sign if she wants him to return. If he does not see the ribbon, he plans to stay on the bus and pass her by.

As the bus approaches her stop, the man asks the bus driver to keep an eye out for him because he was too nervous to look. When it gets to the stop, the entire bus erupts in cheers as they see hundreds of yellow ribbons lining the entire street. She forgives his crime and wants him back. A very touching tale and a fairly good song as well, but why do we use this tale to show the troops we support them?

Everywhere I look as I drive down the road I see yellow ribbons on the back of SUVs with the words “support our troops” inscribed upon it. I remember the Iran Hostage Crisis and the yellow ribbons used to show support for them, but the analogy made more sense in that case. The Iranian hostages were prisoners. They were held against their will. The troops volunteered and are heroes. The yellow ribbon is for victims. Even the popular history of the yellow ribbon can be traced back to victims, not heroes.

It is from the tale of a solider returning home from Andersonville Prison which is what L. Russell Brown had in mind when he wrote the song with Irwin Levine. He was inspired by seeing an oak tree on his way to Levine’s house and told Levine the story of the civil war soldier who was coming home on a stagecoach and was greeted by his wife waving a yellow handkerchief. Decorum made the handkerchief become a ribbon because of the distasteful bodily fluid that makes a handkerchief yellow and there you have it.

The troops are heroes and there is no doubt that someone would want them to return home. The thought behind the yellow ribbon is sincere, but the story behind it makes it a rather bad emblem to show support for our troops.

I realize I am probably alone in this thought. I tend to make connections no one else would ever think of, but this is one that has bothered me for a while now.

Torn Between Two Liars and Feeling Like a Tool

By Kanrei

There are all kinds of games that are played in all kinds of ways. Most games are fun and enjoyable for at least some people and some games even make the world a better place. There are other games that are more about making sure another person loses regardless of what it takes to win. This is the type of game politics is and we must play whether we want to or not.

CONTINUED IN LEMMING POLITICS

The Fox and a Slick Willie

By Kanrei

There is a huge deal being made about Clinton’s behavior on Fox last Sunday by the partisans and they are discussing it in a vacuum. They are talking about things Clinton says in a context free clip montage. The interviewer’s question is not even given in its entirety. No, this clip fest being shown on news shows around the world is custom designed to show Clinton as a raving madman.

CONTINUED IN LEMMING POLITICS

Sept. 25, 1980: Bedtime for Bonzo

by Kanrei

Once upon a time, long ago I played the drums. I was not a percussionist, I was a drummer. I was a heavy-footed, slow and hard hitting drummer of the Led Zeppelin variety due to one afternoon flipping through channels and coming across The Song Remains the Same on MTV. All it took was a song named for a Herman Melville novel and I had to be a drummer. I imagine the “Moby Dick” from that movie made a lot of people feel that way.

CONTINUED IN POP CULTURE FOR ARMAGEDDON

Earworm Warning!

This will make you smile guaranteed, but will not leave your head.

You have been warned.

A Picture is Worth 1000 Words

This was found at Smoking Gun's website. It is Willie Nelson's Stash. I really am not sure what else to say about that to be honest, but I had to show the picture.

Quarantine Over

The Lemming House is almost disease free and should be open again tomorrow. I am sorry I vanished this weekend, to both my readers and my family. I tried so hard to participate in yesterday, but just kept rolling back over and sleeping another four hours.

I hope everyone had a wonderful New Year and are ready for the fast coming in a few days. Atonement through starvation is like a cleansing and a diet rolled up in one.

Tomorrow (or possibly later tonight) the weirdness and rambling babble of incoherent tangents will start anew. I am still pondering the Charlie story, so do not fear I have forgotten about it. I just wrote myself into a spot I must figure out before I continue.

I hope I did not get anyone besides my mother and boss sick. I feel bad about getting my mom sick, but my boss probably deserved it for some reason. Oh crap, she reads this blog too. Never show your boss your blog.

I love you boss.

It's (cough) Friday

It is late for the "Friday" ramble and I am sorry, but I am sick. I have been fighting it all week and just did not feel up to fighting it today so I called in sick and rolled over in my sweat drenched sheets. Not sanitary I know, but sometimes you just do not care.

Yes mom, they are washing as I type this and no I do not need anything.

I sent the "Thank You Hugo" story to Blog Critics and I highly recommend the debate at the bottom. It is a rare instance of me defending Bush of sorts. It would bother me if I already did not feel sick, but since I do it cannot harm me.

Tonight is Rosh Hashanah or the "Jewish New Year". I wish everyone a very happy 5767 and hope all their fondest dreams come true so long as they cause no harm to anyone else.
Amen

Nic Cage and the Thailand Coup

By Kanrei

I must admit to not really knowing very much about that coup in Thailand. I know the military took control this week while the Prime Minister was at the United Nations. I know they have arrested and or/suspended the Parliament and are restoring the King to power.

What I do not know is if this is a good thing for the people of Thailand or a bad thing. I do know they have done a major favor for the movie going public world-wide. I guess that is something positive to concentrate on at least.

CONTINUED IN POP CULTURE FOR ARMAGEDDON

We Owe a Thank You to Hugo

By Kanrei

The entire United States of America is outraged by Hugo Chavez’s speech at the United Nations the other day. In that speech he referred to Bush as the Devil and commented numerous times on how the U.N. smelled of sulfur since Bush’s speech.

It was, to say the least, not appropriate for a world leader to make such childish statements about the host nation. Regardless, I am going to thank Hugo Chavez giving that speech. The after effect of it is something I did not expect and I guarantee neither did he.

In the days and weeks after 9/11 we all were Americans with a common wound. It was a beautiful sight amidst the horrors of that day. We all put aside our political squabbles and decided that we were untied in something bigger than the pettiness we allowed to divide us. It slowly faded as we slowly put 9/11 behind us and I missed the unity until Hugo opened his mouth at the United Nations.

Does anyone else sense that unity feeling? You have to stop debating for a few moments to feel it, but it is certainly there. We are all standing behind the President right now because, regardless of how we feel about Bush or his war, Hugo just insulted the President of the United States in New York! The time has come for us to show where we stand and we have said we stand with the country and I am so proud of us right now.

Charles Rangel is a Representative for New York his eighteenth term serving and representing Harlem. It was in his city that Hugo said his words for Bush and Rangel has words of his own in response:

“It should be clear to all heads of government that criticism of Bush Administration policies, either domestic or foreign, does not entitle them to attack the President personally…It was not helpful when President Bush referred to certain nations as an ‘axis of evil.’ Neither is it helpful for a head of state to use the sacred halls of the United Nations to insult President Bush.”

On the other side of the aisle, the country, and also a Democrat comes Representative Nancy Pelosi of San Francisco. She has become nationally well known for her constant and correct disapproval of Bush’s policies and his presidency. It would not surprise most people if she found areas of agreement with Hugo I’m willing to bet.

"Hugo Chavez fancies himself a modern day Simon Bolivar but all he is an everyday thug…Hugo Chavez abused the privilege that he had, speaking at the United Nations."

Just to remind everyone, she leads the House Democrats and she said that today about Hugo’s speech while at a press conference. She, like the rest of us stand behind the office regardless of how we feel about the man’s actions or the man.

I remember hearing a talkshow host say something to the effect of "I have the right to call my President an idiot because he is MY President, but I'll be damned if someone in another country is going to insult my President, even if he is an idiot."  I wish I could remember who said it.

This common ground should be found without us being attacked. At least no one died in this time. He wanted to weaken us and play on the divides we create, but he did not realize that all families fight from within all the time.  It is not until the outsider tries something when the family unifies and differences are forgotten. We are a family. We are stuck with each other and it is time we remember that.

Thank you Hugo for bringing this feeling back, if only for a little while.

Open Mike Night at the U.N.?

The Associated Press is running a photo of Hugo Chavez giving his speech at the U.N. It can be seen to the left here. The red circle was added by me.

My question is this: Is that woman behind him laughing?

It certainly appears she is cracking up at his speech to me. Here is a closer look:

Incoherent & Confused Ramblings (on the Torture Issue)

By Kanrei

Torture is a popular topic these days. It could be the “Mel Gibson Effect” on society I suppose. I mean, we could have seen “Passions of the Christ” or any Mel Gibson flick for that matter, but as we sat in the theater or on our couches watching the two plus hours of nonstop torture, we could have grown accustomed to it. You never know. If porn is credited with serial killers then I can give “Passions” credit for torture.

CONTINUED IN LEMMING POLITICS

Chavez and the "Blah Blah Blah"

Hugo Chavez made a speech at the U.N. yesterday calling Bush the devil and such. I know people wonder where I am going to fall on this one since I hate the war in Iraq and am no fan of Bush. I am only going to repeat John Bolton's comments because I believe he gave the perfect response to Chavez's speech:

"I'm just not going to comment on this because his remarks just don't warrant a response...Serious people can listen to what he had to say and if they do they will reject it."

I did not want Bolton there, but he summed up the speech perfectly. He added that the speech Chavez gave in America against America could never be given in Venezuela against Venezuela.

Well done John.

What is Italian for "Duh"?

By Kanrei

An Italian intends to rob an elderly woman. He waits patiently in the shadows, lurking and planning; waiting for just the right mark to come down the street. He soon sees a poor, helpless 77 year old woman walking alone. “This one is the one” he tells himself as she passes his perch.

He jumps and takes his prey by surprise. Reflexively, he grabs her bag vanishes into the night. Don is quite the thief. The poor woman never saw it coming and probably still is not sure what happened. He got the purse and got away without any snags. So why does he feel like he forgot something?

The man, let's call him "Don", soon realizes that his cell phone is not to be found. This is a common problem we have all faced at some point in our lives. It is one of the annoyances of the tech-age. It is not really anything to get stressed over; just call your phone and follow the rings. This is exactly what Don did, only he did not hear rings, he heard “Hello?”

Someone had found Don’s phone. This was particularly good news for Don and he made arrangements to meet his hero and retrieve his phone. This took one stress off his mind and allowed him to quickly rob another woman of her purse and scooter on his way to the meeting.

Yesterday I spoke about G-d’s sense of humor- here it is again.

What Don did not know is that he dropped his phone during the robbery of the 77 year old pigeon. She had found it and turned it over to the police. When he called to claim his phone, he was confessing to the crime. When he made arrangements to pick up his phone, he was turning himself in. The new stolen purse and scooter were just bonus prizes to the cops.

Don was released from prison just a short time before this wonderful exchange due to overcrowding in Italian prisons. You just cannot make this stuff up. I wonder if he will get the same cell.

Another Divine Comedy: Part II Electric Boogaloo

By Kanrei

G-d has a nasty sense of humor. I experienced it today. I understand why there have always been reality shows that humiliate people and why they succeed. It is because we are made in His image and He likes slapstick.

I am not talking about physical slapstick necessarily, but He certainly does dig that quite a bit as well. You know the jokes I am speaking of; like being hit in the groin when there is no one around to laugh for example. All those moments you say to yourself “if only there was an audience right now” are His and there is an audience.

I am not even talking about the audio slapstick He enjoys so much. You know, the great joke He plays like a person farting in a store aisle or that burp right when you answer the phone. Those are His audio slapstick moments. He loves those more than the physical ones because they cause no real harm. G-d may be a prankster, but He is no sadist.

No, the jokes I am talking about are His all time favorite ones: the situation joke. He loves a good case of irony and misdirection gag even more. In fact, there is not one situation joke He does not love to pull on us daily. Today was my day and G-d had a real good laugh.

There are certain songs that I hate more than words, but I cannot turn them off when they start playing. Instead, I find myself singing along in really obnoxious and weird voices making fun of the song. I mean weird voices, like something out of a cartoon or a nasty acid flashback. He made one of those songs come on today while I was driving from the office to the lab. I had not had a cigarette for a while today either, so I took it as a chance to smoke which means my window was rolled down.

Florida law dictates that any time a window is rolled down in a moving car that the volume must reach maximum output. This is regardless of how bad the song playing happens to be. I hate to break the law, so up my radio went and “Don’t You Want Me” by Human League was blasting through the South Miami neighborhood.

“You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when I met you”

There I am driving through a South Miami neighborhood blasting bad early 80’s techno-pop and singing in various ridiculous voices. I am having a blast to be honest when I turn the corner and see a really hot girl sitting on the sidewalk. Blonde, looked like she could be tall when she stood up, and she was smoking. Very rare to find a good looking smoker in this health conscious world we find ourselves in right now.

I quickly turned down the Human League and stopped singing when I noticed her sitting there. First impressions are too important to let her catch me singing badly to bad music and having fun. She might get the impression this was something I did. Yes, it is something I do, but she does not need to know that yet.

Ample parking today in front of the lab; I am in luck. It means I get to look cool parking instead of like the idiot who can’t parallel park. Once again, image is everything. I mean my car is relatively clean and my clothes were not only ironed today, but ironed well. I was ready to go.

I get out of my car and walk over to the meter. I place in my quarter and glance over at the girl for another look and I notice she is looking over at me. She is looking over at me and laughing. This could be a good sign or it could be a bad one. I am slightly confused at this point and could feel my courage draining like I was pissing my pants or something. No, I was not really peeing myself, just a simile.

Anyway, I think back to when I first saw her and remember. I remember that she was actually already looking over in my direction when I noticed her and already laughing. She was looking before I turned down my radio. She was looking before I rolled up my window. Most importantly, she was looking while I was singing in weird and ridiculous voices loudly. She more than likely heard it as well.

I cannot tell you for certain, but I think I heard laughing coming from above as well. He is the master jokester. I mean waiting to start that song until I was in the car and on that station, then placing a girl my type sitting alone while I was under the control of mocking impulse. That was a good one.

I don’t mind being G-d’s punch line to be honest. Keeping G-d entertained is the real meaning of life. We are each a different channel in G-d’s cable package. Sometimes He is in the mood for a war movie and sometimes he wants a romantic comedy and He never grows tired of the practical joke shows.

Always take those nasty moments as a badge of honor because it is in those moments you know G-d is watching.

Way To Go Willie!

By Kanrei

Willie Nelson claims to have once smoked a joint on the roof of the White House. Willie Nelson immediately became a counter-culture hero when he made that confession and even folks who hated country music loved the Red Headed Stranger after that. He is one of the few country icons to rise to pop culture icon.

CONTINUED IN POP CULTURE FOR ARMAGGEDON

Lemming's Artist of the Week: Richard Cheese

By Kanrei
UPDATED WITH YOUTUBE VIDEO INSIDE

Richard Cheese is something that must be heard to be believed. I will describe him here, but I guarantee that it will not do him justice. The man is just beyond belief.

Imagine if you will a world where Frank Sinatra sings “People=Shit" by Slipknot. A place where Tony Bennett sings “Freak on a Leash” by Korn. A place where the gangster rap of “Gin and Juice” is put to a ragtag swing. That is where you will find Richard Cheese.

In the Richard Cheese you find Motley Crue’s “Girls, Girls, Girls” wander into Van Morrison’s “Brown-Eyed Girl” only to end with the Beastie Boy’s “Girls” all done without missing a beat. Then there is the genius of Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” done as a hybrid “Mr. Sandman”/ lullaby tune.

This man is not parody, he is loving tribute. Songs you love and songs you hate as well as songs you have never heard before come to life in new ways that are guaranteed to put a smile on your face and keep your foot tapping. It is almost like the perfect way to introduce your grandparents to today’s music.

The main style Richard Cheese uses is big band swing, but there are many jazz-based forms to his sound from calypso and salsa to a waltz and bebop. His voice is perfect for the style of music and he is certainly a talented song writer who takes other's lyrics and melodies and makes them his own.

This is a short and sweet plug for this week’s Lemming Artist of the Week. Richard Cheese has six albums out. You have heard him if you have seen the remake of “Dawn of the Dead”. He did the “Down with the Sickness” swing used for the montage scene.

There is no way anyone can hear this and not laugh out loud. How can you resist "The Girl is Mine" by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney performed as a duet between Richard Cheese and Steven Hawking that breaks down to the two fighting over who she really loves?

Lemming Guarantee.


"Baby Got Back" from Jimmy Kimmel Live

Not Attacking Catholics! Please Read with that Understanding!!!

By Kanrei

“Republicans are assholes.”

I am sorry for your reaction to that statement. It is not my thought, but rather I was just quoting something someone else said long ago.

That is how pathetic Pope Benedict XVI made his apology to the Muslim world after insulting the entire faith. His exact words for the apology were:

CONTINUED IN LEMMING POLITICS

Dwayne "Dog" Chapman Freedom

To: USA and Mexican Governments

We, the friends and fans of Dwayne "Dog, the Bounty Hunter" Chapman, son Leland Chapman and associate Tim Chapman, call for the US and Mexican Governments to drops all warrants and charges against this man who does so much to improve our society and rid the streets of criminals.
Dog Chapman and family captured a very dangerous escaped Rapist that was on the run, something that neither the US or Mexican Officials could do.

Dog Chapman, Leland Chapman and Tim Chapman, are the good guys who help our society everyday. We request and demand their freedom




Sincerely,

The Undersigned

Please click this link and let your voice be heard!

A Growing Problem Ignored

By Kanrei

Ninety one miles from the very spot this is being written at there is trouble in its infancy. Ninety one miles from my home town is the so called “capital of the Third World” AKA Havana, Cuba: home of this year’s “Non-Aligned Movement” nation meeting.

For those like myself who never have heard of this before, it is a meeting of 55 nation’s leaders to discuss the chief threat to world peace also known as the United States. The guest list for this meeting includes such great and freedom loving countries as Iran, Venezuela, Pakistan, India, South Africa, Zimbabwe, and Bolivia. See, Pakistan and India can agree on something after all. We can bring peace.

Bad joke. I joke when I am stressed. This meeting is the real life equivalent of SPETRE for any James Bond fans out there. For the non-fans, SPECTRE stood for “SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion” and was an international terrorist organization out for world domination. The current global situation is pretty much right out of an Ian Fleming novel with this NAM group as the super-villian.

With these nation meeting to plan our demise, Iran and Cuba coming together is worse than any U.S.S.R. treaty with Cuba could ever be. Cuba is still only 91 miles away and Cubans know how to get into this country undetected. They have perfected it and our laws encourage it.

Many people do not know about the Cuban Adjustment Act of 1966, but it stands to create the biggest threat with an Iran/Cuba treaty. It is also known here as the “Wet Feet/Dry Feet” policy. It basically says that any Cuban that makes it to dry land gets to stay while any caught in the water are deported. With it only being a 91 mile boat ride, does anyone else see the problems with an Iranian/Cuban alliance?

The hurricanes last year showed us that we are not ready for a major tragedy. What happens if terrorists get in from Cuba? I mean we have 150,000 tired and drained troops in Iraq and another 20,000 in Afghanistan, so what do we have to defend us from this very real and growing threat?

Before you start saying Cuba and Iran would never join, remember that Fidel is not in power right now. Fidel never would join with Iran. I agree with that, but Fidel is not in power right now, his brother Raul is. Raul is not as bright or strong as Fidel and he would gladly ally with Iran if he thought it would help him retain power. He is already sucking up to them in the speech he made he made to start the NAM meeting.

"Let us denounce the hypocrisy of the United States government, which threatens Iran to prevent it from the peaceful use of nuclear energy while it supports Israel in the expansion of its nuclear arsenal".

Raul has gone as far as to post billboards around Havana showing Bush as a vampire or as Hitler. There is no purpose to his doing this other than as a sign of support to the nations coming to Havana for the meeting.
The masters of terrorism joining with the masters of sneaking here: two horrible things that go horribly together.

I am also concerned right now because Gitmo is in Cuba. Gitmo is where we just sent the fourteen top terrorists in our custody and Cuba is on the side of Iran. Why exactly is our top terrorist prison in a nation sympathetic to our enemies? I cannot see any logic in this nor can I see any logic in our announcing to the world that we were transferring them there.

I am not calling for an invasion of Cuba, although it probably would not be a bad idea. Rather I am asking this country to pay more attention to the immigration problems of south Florida because I have a horrible feeling this is the next front in the war on terror.  91 miles is not very far.  It takes me longer to get to Disney World than it takes someone to get here from Cuba.  The Florida coast is an unprotected border that the nation has ignored.  This meeting happening in Cuba is not coincidence.

Secrets of Life: Roadhouse

By Kanrei

You are cordially invited to join the new faith for the Messiah has returned and his story has been released. We should all be beyond grateful for this wondrous gift from the gods who have bestowed upon us, the unworthy, this blessing. For on the second day He gave us “Roadhouse”. Dalton has returned, praised be the barmaids!

CONTINUED IN POP CULTURE FOR ARMAGEDDON

This Dog Don't Deserve the Pound

By Kanrei

This is a tale of a bounty hunter and a rapist. It is a tale of politics and justice. It is a tale of tragedy and irony. It is a tale worthy of a movie.

Duane “Dog” Chapman is a bounty hunter who rose to fame on June 18th 2003. We all remember the tale of Andrew Luster’s capture in Mexico by a renegade bounty hunter who was arrested himself in the process, right? That was Dog who did it and he got a very highly rated reality show in the process. Good show too I should add.

Dog, his son Leland, and brother Tim were all arrested in Mexico because bounty hunting is a crime there. That one fact really blows my “Old West” fantasy about Mexico. They were supposed to stand trial in Puerto Villarta on July 15, 2003, but jumped bail and returned to America.

Let me say that again because it is really ironic. Dog, the bounty hunter went to Mexico to get someone who skipped bail. While there he got arrested and skipped bail. Most fugitives hide while on the run, but Dog gets a reality show.

This changes the entire dynamic of that show really. Now it is like some vigilante fugitive who is righting wrongs to clear his name. Kind of like "The Fugitive" meets "The A-Team".

Mexico wants him extradited to stand trial. If he is found guilty he will go to jail for 8 years. They officially asked the United States to arrest him and a Federal judge in Hawaii signed the warrant for his arrest.

I first thought he was a joke when I first heard of him. I saw a photo of him and said “this guy is a WWF reject”, but I watched the show and he really is a good guy. He has even let people go to turn themselves in so it goes better on them than having a bounty hunter do it. He gives people second chances when they deserve it. It was a side I did not expect to see based on his “Dog” image.

Andrew Luster is serving 124 years in prison for 86 counts of rape involving three women. He is the great-grandson of Max Factor of cosmetics fame. This little shit thought he was above the law. He skipped out on a $1 million bond because that is nothing to his family. He felt no guilt or remorse for his crimes and would probably continue doing it in Mexico.

Dog may have broken some minor laws, but he did it to serve a greater good. There are times that certain things should be overlooked. He did make Mexico look bad and the politics of the incident are nasty. I do realize this, but we are talking about a rapist. Dog took risks and justice was served.

The final say will be left up to Condi Rice. Write to the State Department and tell them to intercede on the right side for once. Dog does not deserve the pound.

Friday Yet?

I woke up yesterday convinced it was Friday. I went through more than half my day with the same belief. Imagine my pain this morning to have to do it all again. Why did yesterday feel like a Friday?

More importantly are bad days universal, or city specific? I know everyone in Miami is having a bad day today. I can tell from my co-workers, the traffic on the streets, and the amount of accidents I have seen today. These accidents are even EMT worthy. I suppose those accidents are to remind me that my day could be worse and I should be thankful I am only having to deal with the little annoyances I endure.

Friday used to be my funday, now its my I want to run day.

Passion Don't Pay the Bills

By Kanrei

March 31, 2004 was the birthday for a pony. This pony was brought into the world with all the best thoughts behind it. This pony was nurtured and raised. As it stumbled it was given leeway to learn from its mistakes. The world was hungry for this pony so this pony was guaranteed success as long as it didn’t screw it up. Unfortunately this pony only had one trick.

Air America was supposed to be the voice of the left. It had one goal in mind and that was the defeat of George W. Bush in 2004. They got major B-list celebrities and a few actual radio personalities and were off and running.

Two weeks into its life, the pony was pulled from a few stations over contract problems. Considering the full scale right wing attack on them and the already small list of stations they had, this was not a good sign of their future.

Over the next year there was nothing but bad news for Air America. Between CEOs leaving, checks bouncing, stations dropping them, a scandal with a Boys and Girl’s club in New York and average ratings at best, Air America was a sinking ship. It was built around defeating Bush and when that didn’t happen they were lost.

Now comes the punch line to epic of Air America. They are declaring bankruptcy. I do not know if this means they are closing shop or what. I know they have let many people go without a severance package of any sort and are, in essence, circling the drain.

I have not heard Air America since they left Sirius about a year ago. I did not know why they left and was never given any warning of it. Fox gave us a warning three months before they left and petitioned to stay. Air America did not give one thought to their Sirius fans and just went away.

To be honest, they were redundant anyway. Al Franken and most of their other on-air talent are not radio people; they are comedians and writers. They have very few real radio people and that is why they failed. It was not the concept because Ed Schultz and Stephanie Miller do very well in their markets. It was the talent, or lack there of.

Air America thought the country was so appalled with Bush that they would tune into anyone who told them things against Bush. What they did not realize or underestimated was that people listen to their radios for entertainment first and news second and opinion a distant third. Rush is entertaining for all is spin and Al Franken was not. It really breaks down to that.

Bye-bye Air America. I am glad to see you go to be honest. You were an embarrassment to many of us who only lean left. It was a station that only hard core liberals need apply. Don't let the door hit you in the democrat on your way out.

Update to ThinkProgress, the source of the story:
"UPDATE: Air America responds.

If Air America had filed for bankruptcy every time someone rumored it to be doing so, we would have ceased to exist long ago; it may be frustrating to some that this hasn’t happened. No decision has been taken to make any filing of any kind, we are not sure of the source of these rumors and frankly can not respond to every rumor in the marketplace."

This story suddenly got very interesting. We have a new hobby I think.

Sex, Drugs, and Bach?

By Kanrei

What is wrong with all you rockers out there? Have you all been beaten down by the Britney Spears and Blink 182’s out there? What happened to my “Sex, Drugs, and Rock N’ Roll?” Are we really going to go out like this?

CONTINUED IN POP CULTURE FOR ARMAGEDDON

Snow Day: Picking on Tony

By Kanrei

We are in a war against terror. We are at war in Iraq. Iraq has terrorists. The war in Iraq is part of the war on terror. Am I following the right wing logic so far correctly? Good. Bush said in his 9/11 speech that losing in Iraq means losing the war on terror. He claimed that if the terrorists win in Baghdad that they would then come to America. We must defeat the terrorists there or we fight them here. Am I still with the right wing logic thus far? Good.

Tony Snow is the voice of the President. His job is to talk for the big W. When Tony Snow appears on a news program, he is appearing as the voice of the White House and not as Tony Snow. This means that when Tony Snow told MSNBC that we are not in Iraq to capture terrorists, but to train Iraqis, that Bush said it. This further means that Bush has flip flopped on his position of nation building versus fighting terror. Or Tony is out of the loop.

"As a matter of fact, the central mission to the United States is to train Iraqi forces so they can do the job...It is their country. And it's their obligation and responsibility."

I know Tony Snow is late to the game, but he really must get caught up on the correct spin if he is going to be the White House’s voice. We are not in Iraq to build a nation, we are there to defeat terrorists. We cannot leave when Iraq is a nation, we can only leave when there are no more terrorists.

You really should pay closer attention to your boss Tony. Seriously, you are making Scotty look good at that job and he was a walking SNL skit*.

* When something or someone is a "SNL skit", it means they: probably sounded good on paper, but in practice is not entertaining or funny; are guilty of repeating a few catch-phrases; and/or go on entirely too long when we have already gotten the point.

Tony Tells Tale of Ties to Terrorists Today

By Kanrei

Last week, a bi-partisan Senate Intelligence Report was released that stated there was no relationship between Saddam Hussein and either Al-Qaida or terrorist Zarqawi. They said quite clearly "Postwar findings indicate that Saddam Hussein was distrustful of al-Qaeda and viewed Islamic extremists as a threat to his regime, refusing all requests from al-Qaeda to provide material or operational support."

CONTINUED ON THE LEMMINGS POLITICS PAGE

The Ballad of Alfred Stevens -or- Horsing Around on the Wife

By Kanrei

This is the story of Alfred Stevens of Santa Barbara, California. Alfred enjoys nature. Alfred really enjoys nature and all of its little critters. Alfred enjoys these critters just a tad bit too much however. If you think you know where this is headed, you are only partly right.

Alfred and his wife went hiking once long ago at La Purisima Mission, which is a park in Santa Barbara. He really had a great time hiking with his wife there and, while he was there he could not help but notice the wondrous animals all about and, more importantly, their “remote location”.

See, Alfred likes animals. It has always been a fantasy of his to be naked around animals while tied to a fence with a rope around his neck. This was not tonight’s fantasy though according to the arresting officer. Have I gotten ahead of myself?

Alfred’s wife had gone out of town for the weekend to visit her mother, so Alfred decided this was his chance to fulfill a life-long dream of decedent perversion. He quickly got in his car and drove off to get his goat on if you will.

After checking into a hotel and going to La Purisima Mission to check on where the animals would be, he went to a local store to “prepare.” A job like this requires a plan and the proper tools and Alfred had put quite a bit of thought into this masterpiece. Alfred decided he would need a gun, 10 feet of rope, a flashlight, and the essentials for any foray into bestiality: olive oil, salt, and a can of feed. Of course he would also need to bring his “A” game because he may never get a chance for this again.

He parked his car by the side of the road and left a note on the windshield which read: “Car Stalled. Looking for a Phone. Be Back Shortly. Thank You. The Owner.” When the cops saw this note on the car parked by a popular trespassing spot, they knew they had someone where they should not be. They parked, put on the night goggles, and began searching La Purisima Mission.

It was in the stables that they found Alfred and they seem to have just watched for a while. Probably shocked, I know I would be.

The officers first saw Alfred lying on his back among the sheep. He got up and went to the horses and stood behind one, then in front of it with his crotch in its face. He next scurried over to where the lambs and ewes were and began spreading feed all about and petting the animals. Have I said he was naked this entire time yet or was that obvious by now?

He next got behind a sheep and the officers heard “rhythmic thumping sounds”. After 30 seconds (you stud) he picked up his can of feed and ran off. Tragically, the direction he ran was right towards the officers who turned on their flashlights and saw our hero Alfred in all his glory. Next to him was a black trash bag containing his clothes and a .357 magnum.

At the police station Alfred explained to the police he did not have sexual intercourse with that animal, the sheep. He proclaimed that he only covered his body with the oats and salt and allowed the animals to lick it off of him. He planned on returning to the hotel later and “jerk off” at a fantasy fulfilled.

While the anus of a sheep or two appeared to have oil, it was impossible to tell if Alfred had sex with any of the animals so he was released after being charged with numerous misdemeanors. The arresting officer is convinced that Alfred did have sex with the sheep, but, without a blue dress it will be hard to prove.

Alfred Stevens is not getting off (bad pun?) scot-free however. Thanks to Smoking Gun.com he will be charged, tried, and convicted in the blogosphere and is the official punch line of the week. If you forget the ending to a joke, just say “Alfred Stevens”. Yes, I took that joke from Lewis Black.

Another Great Find from The Smoking Gun website.

Sadder Today Than 5 Years Ago

I have been surfing today to the political comment blogs and I am really saddened by what I have seen. The subject for most discussion there is whether 9/11 was more Clinton's fault or Bush's fault.

This is ABC's contribution to the debate. People are almost pretending like Clinton was flying one plane into a tower and Bush was flying the other or something. Can't we put the Left/Right divide away for one day? Just one?

Five years ago I saw my country come together like I had never seen before. I never thought we could do it, but we did and we forgot. We were one nation for a few weeks five years ago.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

By Kanrei

How dare Condi Rice lie about the war in Iraq on the eve of 9/11’s fifth year anniversary. It was bad enough last week with her trying to compare it to the release of slaves in the United States, but today she is just flat out lying and this time it is easy to catch.

Last week there were reports everywhere declaring no link between Saddam and Al-Qaida. The report specifically said “postwar information indicates that Saddam Hussein attempted, unsuccessfully, to locate and capture al-Zarqawi and that the regime did not have a relationship with, harbor or turn a blind eye toward Zarqawi.” The report further states that Saddam"was distrustful of al-Qaida and viewed Islamic extremists as a threat to his regime." So what does Condi Rice say today on the Sunday Talking Head Shows?

“There were ties between Iraq and Al-Qaeda…We know that Zarqawi was running a poison network in Iraq."

About the report that came out last week?

“That particular report I don't remember seeing…There are conflicting intelligence reports all the time”

I will grant to her the possibility that there were conflicting reports at the time leading up to the war. I can understand them going with the most severe assessment with the fear of messing up so big on 9/11 driving them forward. If 9/11 had anything to do with Iraq, it was that the underestimated the threat of 9/11 and overestimated the threat of Iraq as a result. I understand that.

I cannot understand her lying now though. I know there is an election coming this year and they really need to keep the Congress, but a lie like this is so easily caught. They must be counting on the press just letting this one pass considering tomorrow is the 9/11 anniversary.

I bet that is it! I bet she said this obvious and outrageous lie on the day before the anniversary of 9/11 because she knew the media would be too preoccupied to bust her on it.

“That particular report I don't remember seeing”

I believe you may not have seen it before the war started, but with all the news last week there is no way you did not see it last week. You are a liar, Ms Rice. You know the Fox viewers already believe there is a link and you know Fox viewers do not trust the media so you told a lie there knowing it would fly.

Shame on you Ms. Rice! I used to have respect for you. I used to believe you put country before politics. Now I know better and I am so disgusted.