Thursday, August 31, 2006

Secrets of Life: Can't Hardly Wait

“Once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places if
you look at it right”
-Scarlet Begonias

By Kanrei

While this section of “The Secrets of Life” will not be dealing with that song by the Grateful Dead, it does serve as a perfect introduction to this week’s entry to the series. When I tell you this one, you will think I have gone mad. This is one of those entries I warned you about. Please just go with it and reserve judgment until the end of it.

The reason for such a long disclaimer is that this week’s entry is that 1998 non-classic “Can’t Hardly Wait”. Are you finished laughing at me yet? There really is a secret in this movie and no one was more shocked at seeing it than me. I think I need to explain why I have even seen this movie to restore my credibility.

I was home sick from work about five or six years ago. I thought it was longer than that, but this movie was in the theaters in 1998 so it could not be on cable before 1999. I was bored and very not sober. Back then I would get so intoxicated that I would forget I was sick and it would actually work. Anyway, it was either the delirium of the illness or the impaired judgment of the intoxicants, but I found myself staring at the television as HBO began this horrible nasty train-wreck of a movie.

Can’t Hardly Wait” is a lame attempt by a late 90’s director to capture the fun of the 80’s brat pack movie explosion. It featured Lauren Ambrose of “Six Feet Under”, “Austin Powers” series’ Seth Green, and internet darling Jennifer Love Hewitt so it had the future star power. What it lacked was the talent of a John Hughes. Instead it is just another lame cliché teen movie filled with horrible and divisive stereotypes and bad jokes.

The plot, well the central theme of the movie since there really is no plot involves an unpopular student’s attempt to talk to his dream girl whom he has been in love with from afar. Now that he finds himself at the last party of high school, he believes this to be his one chance, but chickens out or fails in horribly emotionally scaring ways.

There was no reason to believe this movie had any value at all until one scene. One scene took this movie from a forgettable piece of wasted trash to “Secret of Life” status. The scene involves an uncredited Jenna Elfman as a stripper in an angel costume. She appears to our hero at that moment of the film where he has given up and is contemplating suicide or some PG equivalent.

This angel walks out of the mist and rain (of course it was raining on our hero) and sits next to the poor kid on a bench. They chat a bit. Some of it is funny, most is wasted seconds of my life they stole, then she tells him a story about her past and it all became clear and worthy to me.

She was a child in love with Tony Danza. She was obsessed with meeting him, but figured she would never have the chance. One day she was walking down the street and Tony Danza popped out of a cab right in front of her. This was her moment. It was fate; it was destiny. She turned and ran away and never forgot that moment. She could have met Tony Danza and she blew it.

Then she reveals both the moral of her story and the point of my watching that cursed movie:
“There is fate, but it only takes you so far, because once you're there its up to you to make it happen.”

Wholly crap. Dharma hit on something. That little alien in her belly is making some sense after all. Our hero takes these words to heart, returns to the party and wins the girl.

I honestly was not expecting something so obvious yet so deep in such a stupid movie. I really cannot stress just how stupid this movie is. I would need some massive brain trauma just to endure a second viewing, but that one moment made my one suffering worth it and I hope this tale will give you the lesson without the pain of a Jennifer Love Hewitt movie.

8 comments:

RexZeitgeist said...

Now that is bad timing...I had just written out a great response and the thread got changed.....

I will put some ice on my hands and try again in a awhile....

Kanrei said...

You did it again Rex =P

The story is on a different page.

Kanrei said...

Comments on "Secrets of Life: Can't Hardly Wait"



RexZeitgeist said ... (8:18 PM) :

ahahahahahahahaha.......Any movie with a scantily clad Jenna Elfman is ok in my book.....The larger point isn't lost, some of life biggest secrets and truths can be found in the oddest places.....

It like finding a chunk of gold in a mud puddle......Dale Carnegie wrote a story about the african farmer who sold his families plot of land to go in search of riches...

Within a very short period of time the man had nothing left and his wife and chidren left him......Back at his little plot of land the new owner was washing in the river, he reached doen and found a large piece of clear material, the material turned out to be the Hope Diamond.....

All along the man riches had been right in his back yard, but never took the time to find it.....Maybe there is a little misplaced 'Danza worship' in each of us.......


Kanrei said ... (8:22 PM) :

That is an awesome story. What a great life lesson in a true story.

RexZeitgeist said...

https://www.nightingale.com/tAE_Article~A~ACRESOFDIAMONDS~i~156.asp


Check it out....I got the story wrong but i was close....

Anonymous said...

It was Scot Baio, not Tony Danza

Kanrei said...

Scott Baio sounds right too. IT wsa a long time since I saw this movie and am really unwilling to see it again. The moral remains the same, but thank you for the correction.

IL said...

That quote is going on my laptop via sticky note.

RexZeitgeist said...

Great site you got Il.....I love old horror flicks to.....