Secrets of Life: Can't Hardly Wait

“Once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places if
you look at it right”-Scarlet Begonias
By Kanrei

While this section of “The Secrets of Life” will not be dealing with that song by the Grateful Dead, it does serve as a perfect introduction to this week’s entry to the series. When I tell you this one, you will think I have gone mad. This is one of those entries I warned you about. Please just go with it and reserve judgment until the end of it.

The reason for such a long disclaimer is that this week’s entry is that 1998 non-classic “Can’t Hardly Wait”. Are you finished laughing at me yet? There really is a secret in this movie and no one was more shocked at seeing it than me. I think I need to explain why I have even seen this movie to restore my credibility.

I was home sick from work about five or six years ago. I thought it was longer than that, but this movie was in the theaters in 1998 so it could not be on cable before 1999. I was bored and very not sober. Back then I would get so intoxicated that I would forget I was sick and it would actually work. Anyway, it was either the delirium of the illness or the impaired judgment of the intoxicants, but I found myself staring at the television as HBO began this horrible nasty train-wreck of a movie.

“Can’t Hardly Wait” is a lame attempt by a late 90’s director to capture the fun of the 80’s brat pack movie explosion. It featured Lauren Ambrose of “Six Feet Under”, “Austin Powers” series’ Seth Green, and internet darling Jennifer Love Hewitt so it had the future star power. What it lacked was the talent of a John Hughes. Instead it is just another lame cliché teen movie filled with horrible and divisive stereotypes and bad jokes.

The plot, well the central theme of the movie since there really is no plot involves an unpopular student’s attempt to talk to his dream girl whom he has been in love with from afar. Now that he finds himself at the last party of high school, he believes this to be his one chance, but chickens out or fails in horribly emotionally scaring ways.

There was no reason to believe this movie had any value at all until one scene. One scene took this movie from a forgettable piece of wasted trash to “Secret of Life” status. The scene involves an uncredited Jenna Elfman as a stripper in an angel costume. She appears to our hero at that moment of the film where he has given up and is contemplating suicide or some PG equivalent.

This angel walks out of the mist and rain (of course it was raining on our hero) and sits next to the poor kid on a bench. They chat a bit. Some of it is funny, most is wasted seconds of my life they stole, then she tells him a story about her past and it all became clear and worthy to me.

She was a child in love with Tony Danza. She was obsessed with meeting him, but figured she would never have the chance. One day she was walking down the street and Tony Danza popped out of a cab right in front of her. This was her moment. It was fate; it was destiny. She turned and ran away and never forgot that moment. She could have met Tony Danza and she blew it.

Then she reveals both the moral of her story and the point of my watching that cursed movie:

“There is fate, but it only takes you so far, because once you're there its up to you to make it happen.”

Wholly crap. Dharma hit on something. That little alien in her belly is making some sense after all. Our hero takes these words to heart, returns to the party and wins the girl.

I honestly was not expecting something so obvious yet so deep in such a stupid movie. I really cannot stress just how stupid this movie is. I would need some massive brain trauma just to endure a second viewing, but that one moment made my one suffering worth it and I hope this tale will give you the lesson without the pain of a Jennifer Love Hewitt movie.

Reactionary Protester Syndrome?

By Kanrei

A docudrama is a fictional account of a past event told in the style of a documentary. It is not something that is pure fiction or something set in the future. That would be science fiction in most cases and just plain fiction in all others. There is no instance where you can call something a docudrama if the event it deals with has never happened. This is the case of a new television movie event hitting England very soon.

“Death of a President” is a honest attempt at discussion done in a very sick and twisted way that will only serve to color the audience who will tune in. It is a story set after the October 2007 assassination of President George W. Bush as he leaves the Sheraton Hotel in Chicago. The purpose of this drama is to bring up the subject of the War on Terrorism and how much of it is Bush’s private crusade and how much is in America’s real interest. Peter Dale, who heads More4 which is the channel airing this movie has said it was a “thought-provoking critique” of America today.

“It is an extraordinarily gripping and powerful piece of work, a drama constructed like a documentary that looks back on the assassination of George Bush as the starting point for a very gripping detective story…It is not sensationalist, or simplistic but a very thought-provoking, power drama. I hope people will see that the intention behind it is good.”

I believe in their intent, but not in their delivery. I think they have used the wrong term to describe their work as I have already explained. This is fiction, not a docudrama. They are trying to provoke another case of “Reactionary Protester Syndrome”. That is why the makers of this film are marketing it in the manor they are of course. A docudrama is always taken more seriously than a fictional drama.

“Reactionary Protester Syndrome” is a term I have coined to explain why people seem to bring success to things they wish to stop. It is almost reflexive for them at times. A compulsion they just cannot help. Sometimes I almost think that the producers of these works affected by RPS are actually the ones behind these protests just for the free publicity, but sadly that is probably not the case.

The people who will protest this movie are the same people who protested “Passions of the Christ” and got the “Reagans” and “Book of Daniel” taken off the air. These magical people have the gift of determining what is of value to an audience based off of a shooting script and a few scenes. These people went into the wrong business. They could have done better working in Hollywood instead of whatever it is they do now.

What ever happened to the days of actually waiting until you were actually offended by something before the drama began? We now have pre-emptive drama. This is ridiculous. The protesters only serve to increase awareness of the thing they hate. This is the central curse of "Reactionary Protester Syndrome". It is usually a case of a small group of people so morally outraged by the very idea of something that they bring it to the forefront and inspire curiosity. Those who suffer from RPS usually bring the exact success they so fear.

Personally, I look forward to seeing this movie to see where it goes with the plot. They should have used a different President’s name rather than a sitting President. There are still issues about portraying the death of a sitting President, but the plot overall sounds interesting to me. It is all up to how they handle it. I would hope they deal more the reasons behind such a plot and who would profit and such. I doubt they will make a movie where the sun suddenly shines as Bush is buried or anything like that.

Here is a novel idea: why don’t we wait to actually see it before we get offended by it? I saw “Passions of the Christ” before I opposed that movie. Yes, I did not like it or Mel Gibson after I saw it, but at least I went with an open mind and came to my own conclusion about it. All I ask is the same respect.

Reality is What Happens When You Blink

By Kanrei

I find the concept of “Absolute Truth” or “Universal Truth” fascinating. From my understanding, “Absolute Truth” (or AT as I will call it) states that there is but one truth for all time. It states that there is only one reality and that reality has one history and one future and one present. The truth is inflexible and unchanging. This concept is impossible to anyone who takes three seconds to think about it.

There is this old saying that states there are always three sides to any story: yours, mine, and what really happened. Three versions is not one absolute truth when one considers that we always think of it as TWO sides to any story. No place for what really happened because there is no “what really happened”. There is no absolute truth because much of history is subjective. There is no absolute truth because science is subjective. How many times are concepts in both reversed after a period of time? Are eggs good for me or bad? Do I eat only the yolks, or do I eat only the whites? Can I fry them and should it be white bread or wheat?

So what exactly is truth then? How can we ever really know what is true? Can we trust our eyes? Our memory? Our history? It is obvious that some are willing to kill to defend something they think is under attack. That is their truth. Does that mean that is reality?

Always remember that reality is but a fraction of a second long. That is it. Everything else is just memory or premonition. At any given time you only have a fraction of a second to really understand what is happening. Every moment after that relies on a flawed memory that gets more flawed every fraction of a second that passes. Even a camera cannot capture every moment that an eye can, so we cannot rely on video recording to help with this dilemma. We are cursed to depend upon memory and records.

There is another old saying which states that history is always written by the winners. Winners are not always the “good guys” in the grand scheme of things, but the history as recorded by them will never portray anything less. Think about the “Revolutionary War” or the “American War of Independence” depending on which side of the Atlantic you are on. If the British had won then our founding fathers would go down in history as traitors and criminals who rose against the king. They won so instead they are heroes and our founders. Does that make either version any truer than the other? Are the Iraqis insurgents or rebels? Are we occupiers or liberators? It will all depend on how we handle this collection of moments.

Either way, there is no answer because there is no single version of events. The Civil War was not about any one issue because not everyone fought for the same reason. The war in Iraq, World War 2, or any other conflict you can think of or been apart of is certainly not how you think it was nor is it how anyone else thinks either. If there is an “Absolute Truth” then it is beyond our grasp and beyond our reach. All we are left with is our own personal experience that we think is a common one, but each is as different as snowflakes.

Or, as Dave Mason put it in 1977:

So let's leave it alone 'cause we can't see eye-to-eye
There ain't no good guys, there ain't no bad guys
There's only you and me and we just disagree

I suppose there is one universal truth: the battles that rage over the stubbornness of "my reality" costs boths sides in the long run. I am probably just babbling though.

Fall Theater Preview: Bush Con American Tour '06

By Kanrei

As we approach the next anniversary of the September 11th attacks of 2001, we know certain things are coming, and we look forward to none of them.

CONTINUED IN THE LEMMINGS POLITICS SECTION

That Hurricane Blew

By Kanrei
So they threw a hurricane and no wind came. Imagine the nerve of that treacherous bastard Ernesto. We took notice, we prepared; we buttoned down the hatches and topped off the tanks. We cleared the roads and closed the shops. We did our end. So where the hell is all the rain?

We were told around 2pm today that we were not going to get a hurricane. That is actually a good thing. I will not complain about that in any way, shape or form. My love of a good storm should never cost someone their life and someone always dies in a hurricane. I am pretty happy it wasn’t a hurricane actually.

We were told around 7pm that it would be a weak tropical storm, but there were tornado and flood warnings for south Florida. While no fan of either one of those, they usually accompany thunder and lightning. I love thunder and lightning. Used to scare me to death growing up and I cannot remember what caused the switch or when it happened, but I love a good noisy storm.

At 7pm, the constant news coverage suddenly stopped and “Wheel of Fortune” came on. Something is not right. Someone screwed up at the station. There was supposed to be more coverage of Tropical Storm Ernesto, right? I mean it still had not reached land yet. Guess not. All the other stations returned to their normal programming as well. Oh well, screw them. I got a show to prepare for.

9pm I was still waiting for my show. By 9:30 I had mostly given up and posted the storm as over, but secretly I was still holding out for some good things to come. I wanted some big bangs of thunder as lightning illuminates the sky. I was looking forward to a brief power outage of a few hours so I could enjoy the stars and silence. Miami obscures both.

It is now 11:15 and it is not even raining anymore. It has STILL not reached land and it is over. This is unreal. I am so happy I did not panic yesterday with the rest of the town and burn $30 in gas to get gas. I did not spend much in supplies. I mean I will use that carton of cigarettes, I will drink the Gatorade, and I will eat the Boy-R-Dee. Ok, maybe not the last one, but there are more storms coming and I have gotten that hungry before.

Every once in a while there comes a gust of wind. Not a big one, but just enough to move the tree by my window and remind me what I should have been hearing non-stop, but not enough to satisfy. This storm was the meteorological equivalent of blue balls. I am going to go stand in the show and turn the lights on and off really fast. You know, the meteorological equivalent of the cold shower.

It Begins

It is going to be a Tropical Storm when it hits, but that only means the entire thing is going to be a wet storm with tornado risks. They are not expecting mass power outages, so I should be able to update as the night goes on. It is 6:14 and dark as night right now. Almost scary actually. I am mostly nervous for my roof now. Wish us luck.

The South Florida Ghost Town

We are right now at T minus 9 hours until the major hit. We probably have about 5 hours until it starts, but the town is already a ghost town. Where there were two hour lines for gas yesterday there are vacant gas stations everywhere today. The traffic is non-existent. I had to go by my office to take care of a few things before the storm came and it took me five minutes to get there. It is normally a fifteen minute drive, nothing in terms of traffic, but still getting there two-thirds faster is something major in Miami.

Overall we still do not know what to expect and that is the worst part of this whole thing. Earthquakes are pretty much over by the time you know they hit, but hurricanes take their time. Knowing a hurricane is coming is an exercise in Zen. You know it is coming, you know it is going to hit, but you do not know where or when and there is nothing you could do about it if you did. Your only option is to focus on taking care of what you can and hope the rest works out.

You can prepare, but one hurricane is actually many different types of storms working together, so how can you really prepare when you are not really sure of what you are about to endure? The east side of the hurricane is usually the windy side causing mass and rapid damage. The main risk from this side is flying objects and you must board your windows up and bring in every missile from your back yard. The west side of the hurricane is usually less windy, but is much heavier rain with lightning, tornadoes, and flood. The main thing for this side is to make sure your house is prepared for flood damage and leaking roofs from the unfixed damage still leftover from last hurricane season.

The cone covers all of south Florida so I know I am going to be hit. I know I will lose power, but do not know for how long. The office closed today which is never a good sign. We even canceled the patients tonight. I will update as I can, but I may disappear for a few days. Do not panic and start running towards cliffs!

Lemming Hurricane Update

The 11:00 advisory came out and it is a good news/bad news situation. The good news is that is is now Tropical Storm Ernesto, so the hurricane fears can relax a bit. The bad news is that it is pretty much heading straigh for the Lemming House.

Do not fear for the Lemming House though. It is basically a cement box with two stories and windows facing north and south so I am in a good place. I will try and get some propane for my grill and a steak and enjoy the storm.

Lemming's Artist of the Week: Scott H. Biram

By Kanrei

Austin,Texas never sounded so good. Blues are always going to be what I think of when I think of that town thanks to "Austin City Limits", I just never realized how raw, aggressive, and powerful the Blues could be.

We have all seen those old time black and white photos of the Blues greats. These ugly old men, beat up guitar on their knee, not singing great or playing great, but making just pure emotionally powerful music. The drums would usually be the stomping of their feet or beating of the guitar and the music came from so deep within them, they would be almost exhausted when they were done playing as if they were giving birth. Well, sadly those days are gone in the MTV Super group reality television world of today, right?

Salvation is at hand my Blues deprived Lemmings! Salvation has arrived. Scott H. Biram is the entire band. Scott H. Biram is far from pretty. Scott H. Biram is from Austin. Scott H. Biram plays a 1959 Gibson guitar. Scott H. Biram is just plain bad ass and there is no other word for it. Here is a story from Bloodshot Records webpage about their artist:

Scott H. Biram wont die. On May 11th, 2003, one month after being hit head-on by an 18-wheeler at 75 MPH, he took the stage at The Continental Club in Austin, TX in a wheel chair--I.V. still dangling from his arm. With 2 broken legs, a broken foot, a broken arm and 1 foot less of his lower intestine, Biram unleashed his trademark musical wrath.

This guy is a legend in the making with the talent to back it up. See for yourself here:


You can hear more of his music at his Myspace page or goto his website for more information on him.

He gets 9 cliff divers out of 10 who each scored 9 on their dives.

Mephistopheles and His Schizophrenia

By Kanrei

You almost have to pity the devil these days. His entire purpose in life is to drive people into the arms of his foe and how do the followers of his foe repay him? By hurling even more upon him. Now they are blaming Hitler and Stalin on the red cloaked underworld dweller. They poor guy must listen to Styx everyday for G-d’s sake, no wonder he is a bit cranky.
Continued in Lemming Politics

Unemployed Earl Loses to Office Jerks

By Kanrei

I have not watched very much TV last season, so I cannot really comment on 95% of the Emmy winners from last night, but I did watch “The Office”. I must admit I am upset “My Name is Earl” did not take any big ones. It did get best direction and writing for its pilot episode, but I think it deserved best comedy as well.
Continued in Pop Culture for Armageddon

Lemming Hurricane Update

It is not looking good for your host, but does not look bad yet either. We here in Miami are in a holding pattern until Ernesto decides where exactly he wants to go. Do not fear if I do not update for a few days, it will only mean I got no power. We are used to it down here. Got my MP3 charging, my Nintendo DS charged, my DVD player charging, my portable fridge getting cold, and I have a good supply of peanut butter,Boy R Dee, and bread. Bring it baby! I am ready for ya!

More soon.

The First Rapping Knight?

By Kanrei
I was going to make fun of this story. I have had it bouncing around in my head all day long trying to decide on just the right angle to go at it from. A story like this opens itself up to so many classes of jokes that it takes time to pick just the right approach. The end result of all this pondering and joke working is? The idea makes sense to me.
Continued in Pop Culture for Armageddon

The Return of Baghdad Bob

By Kanrei

On April 8th, 2003 Baghdad Bob vanished. Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, the Iraqi Minister of Information under Saddam Hussein was a constant figure during the 43 day war to take Baghdad. He was actually the best part to come out of that war. Saturday Night Live could not have written a better character. Who can forget these classic and timeless lines:

"We butchered the force present at the airport. We have retaken the airport! There are no Americans there!"

"Whenever we attack, they retreat. When we pound them with missiles and heavy artillery, they retreat even deeper. But when we stopped pounding, they pushed to the airport for propaganda purposes."

"The Americans are not there. They're not in Baghdad. There are no troops there. Never. They're not at all."

"We have killed most of the [coalition] infidels, and I think we will finish off the rest soon."

But then he just vanished without a trace. We all knew he would re-emerge from the rubble of Baghdad, but where and when? MSNBC has unwittingly found him and I cannot believe where he has been hiding.

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf AKA Baghdad Bob is, in reality none other than Nouri Kamel al-Maliki, Prime Minister of Iraq. I was shocked as well. Who would have thought an idiot who denies reality could rise to such a high position of authority…..Bush, right.

The proof is there for anyone who wants to look. Sure they look nothing alike and al-Maliki is obviously older than Bob, but they say the exact same types of ridiculous statements that make me wonder. There cannot be two people that in denial of reality….Bush, right.

Here is another classic from Baghdad Bob: "Nobody came here. Those America losers, I think their repeated frequent lies are bringing them down very rapidly.... Baghdad is secure, is safe." This was said as US troops were taking central Baghdad. You could almost see the tanks behind Bob as he spoke.

Now compare that to al-Maliki today in MSNBC: “The violence is not increasing. We’re not in a civil war. Iraq will never be in a civil war…The violence is in decrease and our security ability is increasing.”

This was said as eighteen people were killed Sunday in bombings around Iraq including “near the pedestrian entry point to the Palestine Hotel in downtown Baghdad, killing at least nine people and wounding 18”. MSNBC reports that over 10,000 Iraqis have been killed since al-Maliki took office in May in almost daily violence. The violence is Sunni Iraqis and Shiite Iraqis. That means it is Iraqi versus Iraqi. Is there some other definition I have not heard about for “civil war”?

Something happened that all of the world leaders seem to be suffering from Tabloiditis. This is a condition that states “perception is reality and repetition creates perception.” OF course, one must also add in a touch of “if you are going to lie, lie big” philosophy as well.

Truth is, I am happy Baghdad Bob is employed again. The man had such great comedic timing and a wonderful gift of irony that would be wasted if he was retired or killed. It shows Bush is a second chance kind of guy. Welcome back to the world of spin Bob, we missed you.

Rex Find: Your Only Choice is Choice

My friend Rex found this article. It is something everyone should read.

Sometimes the winner is truly the loser and the loser the winner. If the winner learns nothing from his victory and doesn't grow into a better person, if he simply becomes haughty and obnoxious, then although he holds the trophy in his hands, he is actually the loser. However, if the loser accepts his loss with humbleness, overcomes feelings of anger and self-pity, and chooses to be happy with his lot, then he actually walks off with the greatest victory — an evolved self. He is the trophy.

MORE

Secrets of Life: Darkside of the Moon Part II

By Kanrei

Continuing with Dark Side of the Moon, the next section of songs should be looked at as a block rather than individual songs. They are Time, The Great Gig in the Sky, Money, Us and Them. These songs are the great destroyers of life. They are the things that can drive you mad. It is not the amount of each you have, but how obsessed you are with each and how much control you give to each.

CONTINUED IN POP CULTURE FOR ARMAGEDDON

Kanrei's Notes to the "Babbling Saga"

Spoilers Ahead

Charlie is haunted by his thoughts and has been since college. They act independent of his conscious mind and are always commenting on his life except when he is around his one true love Michelle, who is also the cause of the voices.

Charlie married Michelle out of college and they were happy together until Charlie lost his job through some major mess up that left him broke. He met a waitress named Dana around that time and began an affair with her.

One week ago Charlie left his house and Michelle is scared either of him or for him. He has been “living” with Dana for three months, but only one or two days a week. Dana is becoming aware she is the other woman.

Michelle has sent Kevin, their college friend, to find Charlie before he does something stupid.

Charlie is wandering around the city trying to figure out the stupid thing he did and believes it is his killing his wife. The only thing he knows for certain is that his he cannot trust his thoughts or his memory.

Dana is waiting for Charlie at the diner to confront him once and for all about his “walks” that she now believes is his going home to his wife.

What we, reader know so far is that Charlie IS married to Michelle and is dating Dana. He was using his job as a fireman as cover to both ladies as to why he was gone for nights on end sometimes. What we do not know is if he has killed Michelle. WE do know Dana is very much alive.



I think that is about it =D

Babbling Broken

Previously
“You killed Michelle to kill your future? You are insane Charlie.”
“Of course he is insane, he has spent the entire night talking to himself.”
“Yea, and the funny part is we are telling him stuff he didn’t know!”


Continued..

They have been telling him things he did not know all night, but they have also shown themselves to be tricksters as well. He remembered the lighter tricked they pulled on him before and suddenly became convinced he had not killed anyone. Michelle never existed and Dana was his wife. He was locked out because she went to work while he was out and didn’t know he forgot his key. There is neither a dead body behind that door nor is there a dead wife named Michelle. Screw his mind.

Charlie decided he needed to head to the diner to prove to himself that Dana was alive and his wife. There was no other choice that he could see. His mind tried to talk him out of it by saying things like “that is the first place the cops are going to go”, but he did not listen. He had to settle this once and for all. He was tired of being boarder-line insane. He either wanted to know he was normal or prove he had lost it long ago, but the wonderment had to end.

It took him ten minutes to get to the diner from her apartment. When he walked in he thought it was closed for a second. There was no one there. He saw Tina and the cook who never told anyone his name, but no Dana. He went outside to make sure he was at the right place, but the sign clearly said “Sam’s Coffeehouse Diner”. He looked at the sign in the door and it clearly said “Open”. He looked back inside and saw no customers. He checked his watch and it was 12:45, on a Thursday.

“It’s a trap Charlie, RUN!”

Charlie listened to his mind and turned around and ran for his life. Something was certainly not right about that scene. Dana should have been there and wasn’t. Customer should have been there and weren’t. That had “set up” written all over it. He did kill Dana that means. And he was married to a dead woman named Michelle. He was a disgraced fireman who lost his job because he chose to stay with his mistress instead of answering a call. He was a disgraced fireman because three people died that night because they were a man down. He was a disgraced fireman for covering the books and getting someone else initially fired. The press was going to love this one more than they did his dismissal.

He could see the headlines as he ran flashing in his mind. “Fireman of Love Kills Again!”, “Active Killer This Time: Lover Fireman Moves Up”, “Charlie the Cheating Fire Fighter Kills Wife then Lover”. This was not going to be pretty. He had one option left to him and that was to go home, where ever that was.

He took out his wallet and checked his driver’s license and saw a mid-town address, along with several credit cards and a picture of a woman he assumed had to be Michelle. The photo was about five years old and faded just a bit, but she was radiant even in the tiny 5x9 form. He felt flush. He felt those chills. He remembered falling in love with her and why he still did. He remembered their first kiss, their first time together, the day she said “yes” to his proposal.

He also remembered her accusations of him cheating on her, even before he was. He remembered her never understanding his job as a fireman and that he had to be away from home. He remembered her becoming so obsessed with him having the affair he was not yet having that she slept with Kevin and let him find them together. He cannot remember his reaction. He cannot remember why they stayed together for three years after that, but he did remember he called her “Dana” that last night at home on purpose.

“Go see the body Charlie. Go see your work. Go say ‘good-bye’ one last time.”

Charlie turned the corner to see a detective standing at the end of the block. It was only a silhouette, but no one other than a cop dressed like that. Charlie could make out the trench coat, the smoke rising from the cigarette past the fedora. This was obviously more serious than he had originally thought.

“Do you think they found her yet? Better get there quick Charlie.”

CONTINUED

You! Out of the Gene Pool!

By Kanrei
I love the Darwin Awards. I think they are brilliant. For those who may not know, the Darwin Awards are given posthumously to those who are kind enough to take themselves out of the gene pool. No, it is not as morbid as that, well actually it is, but not everyone who kills themselves gets to be in. There are very strict rules to gain entry into this noble list.

A nominee must take themselves “out of the gene pool: dead or sterile”; show an “ Astounding misapplication of judgment”; “Cause one's own demise”; you must be “capable of sound judgment”; and The event must be true”.

One of my favorite winners is a guy who used a shotgun as a bat on his girlfriend’s car as she drove off. The problem is that the shotgun was loaded and he was holding the barrel when the impact on the windshield causes the gun to discharge. This is the kind of taking them selves out of the gene pool they are referring too.

The reason I brought it up is that I saw this story of some schmuck hanging from a power line in England:

British Transport Police appealed for help today to trace a youth who was seen swinging from overhead power cables by train passengers.

This guy is just, pardon this pun, DYING to get in. He didn’t make it though.

"The overhead cables carry 25,000 volts and, although the overheads had been switched off to deal with another incident closer to the station, a residual current of at least 5,000 volts would have still been running through the cables.
Both he, and the other young person watching from the bridge, could have been seriously injured, electrocuted and even killed.”

What would possess a person to do something that stupid? The story says they had no way of knowing the line was turned off, so as far as he knew he was grabbing a live power line. He is going to go through life now thinking himself the luckiest person in the world. Maybe he is.

He is going to carry this story like a badge of honor. It should be a reminder to not do stupid things, but a person this stupid will never realize that. He redefines stupid actually. He brings stupid to another level entirely.

Now that I think about it, I don’t think he would qualify for a Darwin Award even if he did die. I mean a nominee must be “capable of sound judgment” and I just don’t see it. Let’s just hope the 5000 volts made him sterile at least. I will settle for alive and out of the gene pool, but G-d help the future if he reproduces.

Babbling Brooke

Previously
The next logical step then is to head off to “Sam’s Coffeehouse Diner”, after buying that fedora of course.
Continued

It took Kevin twenty minutes to get to the diner, but it took him five hours to find the fedora. He may have decided to buy it on impulse, but he still had to find the perfect hat. It had to be dark of course. It had to be tan, but a dark tan. Most importantly, it had to fit his head just right as to not mess up his hair. That is what really took him five hours, but he found one that seemed to float above his perfect mane.

He stopped outside the diner to get into character. He had decided on the train that he was going to do this right. He even bought a pack of “Lucky Strikes”, filterless for the full effect. Collar to coat was flipped up just right and his fedora was tilted to the left. He was ready.

He walked into “Sam’s Coffeehouse Diner” and just stood in the doorway for a moment. He wanted everyone to notice his entrance and possibly comment on just how cool he was, but the place was empty. “Sam’s Coffeehouse Diner” was a graveyard at 12 noon on a Thursday.

The only people Kevin saw were two waitresses and a cook. The nametags on the girls said “Tina” and “Alice” and the cook was a guy. No Dana it seemed so he turned around and decided to try back later. Better to leave with the “who was that stranger” vibe going instead of stating his business.

With Tina cleaning tables and “Alice” staring off into space worrying about Charlie, no one noticed Kevin coming in or leaving. The cook heard the bell on the door, but peaked around only to see a door closing.

“Who was that?” he asked the girls.

“Who was what?” Tina answered.

Dana never stopped staring out the window. Charlie was really late now and she was officially worried and beyond pissed. She could not decide which she was more, but felt certain that seeing him would bring the stronger feeling out. Either she would hug him to death or just kill him. Either way is good for her right now.

Her main concern was the fact that she was losing her nerve every minute she had to wait. She was going to be so preoccupied with his showing up that she knew she was going to forget to ask what he did on his walks.

She had not known Charlie for very long. She had met him in the diner a year ago. He walked in and ordered coffee. They talked for hours and he left. She never got his name, but he came back the next night at the same time. Again the talked for hours and again he left. This went on for two months before they exchanged names, but only one week before they found their way back to her place. It was three months ago that he moved in, but was away more than he was home. She often would think she was the “other woman”, but would write it off as paranoia. Now she was no longer sure.

“I’m gonna take a few minutes” she told Tina and walked outside for a smoke.

Charlie picked the cigarette up from his crotch. It had burned a hole in his pants, but he appeared uninjured. It was still burning too, but he could not bring himself to smoke it anymore. His thoughts focused on one thing: Michelle.

How could he have killed Michelle? Why would he have killed Michelle? She was his only stability left. She would take him back. Dana was a mistake and she had to know that. It was a moment of weakness. An impulse too strong to deny.

“Any other clichés Charlie? You know, something along the lines of ‘she wanted it’?”

That sounded so filthy. Charlie did not “cheat” on Michelle. He simply found someone else he had feelings for. He was never popular with women so how could he possibly turn one away? Michelle was his love, Dana was just nostalgia. When he was with Dana, he was not 39, he was in college again. He had a chance to start over almost. Everything he screwed up had not happened yet. Michelle represented his future and since he hated his present, he really did not want his future to come.

“You killed Michelle to kill your future? You are insane Charlie.”
“Of course he is insane, he has spent the entire night talking to himself.”
“Yea, and the funny part is we are telling him stuff he didn’t know!”

Friday Update: The Friday Strikes Back

I spoke too soon. I told you I was going to jinx myself and I did. Three hours to go was a tad bit off. It was more like six hours to go.

"I need you to do me a big favor"

These are possibly the worst words to ever hear your boss say. Your boss orders you. When they are asking you for a favor, it means it is something that is beyond even what they can order you to do. Today's favor was to drive some equipment up to our other lab. Normally a one hour drive, only she asked me to do it at 4pm on a Friday in Miami. For those not here, you get further sleeping than you do driving at 4pm on a Friday in Miami. And I had only three cigarettes too. It was not going to be a happy drive and it was not one. I think I averaged 5MPH the entire time; 7 when traffic was moving.

None of that matters now though because I am home, I am getting intoxicated and it is now Friday!!!

Finally a Good Friday!

I realize that by typing these words I am cursing my self with a little over three hours left until freedom, but so far this Friday has actually been working with me instead of against me. This is nice for a change. I can almost feel that "TGIF" thing everyone always is talking about.

I have actually spoken to all my techs for this weekend instead of leaving them messages, so I know they are coming in and the patients are all confirmed so I know they are all coming in. This is a very surreal feeling right now. Kind of like the calm before the storm. I keep expecting my cellphone to start ringing like mad, assaulting me with "Sinister Minister" over and over again.

I used to love that song, "Sinister Minister". It is by Bela Fleck and the Flecktones and has one of the greatest bass solos ever recorded. Victor Wooten can do things with a bass that Les Claypool has yet to dream of and I loved that song.

I thought "Hey! That is a unique ring that no one else has. I will use that one since there is no way I could ever get sick of that song." I think Custer said something along those lines as well.

Word of advice, never ever pick a song you like as your ringtone if you use your cellphone mainly for work. The song came on Sirius the other day and I reached for my phone: my mood immediately changing from "what a great day" to "oh F*ck" in three notes. The funny thing was I did not even have my cellphone on me. I feel the phantom vibrations too.

I thought slavery was outlawed so why are we allowing our employers to afix us with the 21st century slave collar anyway? Everyone turn off your cellphone unless you work for me. I need to reach you to have good Fridays.

Limbaugh's Rush to Racism

By Kanrei

It appears Survivor is going to try a battle of the races next season. I just read that they are going to divide people into four groups instead of the usual two teams. The teams are going to be racial in their make up: Black; Asian; Hispanic; White. While that does not sit right with me, I am going to save my rant on that for another day. Instead, today, I am going to deal with Rush Limbaugh’s comments on this as reported by Media Matters.

CONTINUED IN THE LEMMINGS POLITICS SECTION

Secrets of Life: Darkside of the Moon Part I

By Kanrei

Today starts a new series, something for Thursdays I suppose. I realized I need to start this today seeing an almost complete lack of news again. I thought about what really interested me and what I had to offer and I realized it was time for my personal project to officially begin: no, not world domination...yet. That would just be a happy side effect. No, this one is something I have toyed with for a decade…my G-d I am old.

CONTINUED INPop Culture for Armageddon

President Harris or the End of the World: Tough Choice

By Kanrei

Sometimes I cannot help but believe in a G-d. Things just happen “out of the blue” that are just too perfectly timed to have happened randomly. There has to be a hand guiding these things. Sure, we could miss them, but something put them there for us to notice in the first place.

Continued in LEMMING POLITICS

Runt of the Litter

By Kanrei

Poor Pluto, little runt gets no respect. Now little Pluto is not even a planet anymore. It is bad enough that Disney gave Pluto no respect by having him be no more than a pet.

Think about it. Every single solitary animal in the Disney universe could talk, dress, hold jobs, and have lives except for one: Pluto. Pluto was the speechless naked pet to a mouse. It is not as if Disney excluded talking dogs either. Goofy most certainly was a dog. Disney had something against Pluto and now it seems the same holds true for scientists.

Scientists had discovered a tenth planet in 2003 and were not sure how to define it. It was larger than Pluto, but was close to Pluto. They finally decided. They decided to create a new category, something called a "Dwarf Plant". Since we cannot have ten planets or else the "end of the world" people freak, the newly discovered planet and Pluto are now called "Dwarf Planets" and the definition makes no sense to a layman like me.

Dwarf planets: Pluto and any other round object that "has not cleared the neighborhood around its orbit, and is not a satellite."

So a round object with debris that is not a satellite is a Dwarf Planet. That would make Saturn a Dwarf Planet by that definition because the rings are a clear sign that Saturn “"has not cleared the neighborhood around its orbit”. Earth has asteroids as well. That means we are not a planet either. It appears that science has only further confused things instead of clearing them up. Kind of a form of job security it seems.

I just feel bad for Pluto. I mean if science just demoted our baby brother planet to non-planet status, what does the future hold for Disney’s only silent animal?

I think we need to start PISP immediately! People for the Immediate Saving of Pluto! Do not let Disney punish this poor mutt further.

Into the Void

This is not a celebrity gossip blog. I must state that clearly to myself and to those new to here because it is starting to look like one. I am a political person who is just completely bored with the political scene right now. This lull in politics just happens to have coincided with my starting of my own blog. What are the odds of that? Five years of daily new stories, each more shocking than the one before and once I start my own page….NOTHING!

Thanks a whole bunch world leaders! It is your fault I am writing about Tom Cruise and Paris Hilton. Can’t just one of you please do something noble or stupid so I can have something else to talk about? Please? I’ll give you a dollar. I’ll clean your room AND do your homework. All you have to do is something. I think you can handle that.

Tony Snow? Paging Tony Snow. Please, you have been great for setting me off. Say something again. How about Rummy explains why Iraq is going so well? Bush, can you tell me more about how you are spreading democracy? Condi, make some peace in the Middle East. Israel, stop doing everything; same for you Lebanon. You have done enough already.

Stabbed in the Back While Crusing Away

By Kanrei

First Britney Spears and now Tom Cruise. Please stop making me defend these people I love to bash. It really hurts. Is he laughing at me?

Sumner Redstone, the CEO of Viacom, the company that owns Paramount, said Paramount was ending its fourteen year relationship with Tom "Jump the Couch" Cruise because "As much as we like him personally, we thought it was wrong to renew his deal. His recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount." As much as I hate Tom Cruise, he deserves a bit more than a personal attack from a company he helped save.

I should start at the beginning. I hate Tom Cruise and always have. I only like a character actor if I enjoy their character and Tom Cruise is an annoying character actor. Oh, I know people love to go on about what a great actor he is, but think about his roles and it becomes clear he is not a great actor, he is a performer with one trick. He is the “cocky, arrogant, best at what he does but doesn’t care about anyone but himself until he learns a valuable lesson about self-sacrifice and single handedly saves the day with a smile and great hair” guy. Every movie he makes is some version of Top Gun and I really did not like Top Gun.

Tom Cruise has recently become a freak show. He and Katie are six months from their own reality show, I guarantee it. Too bad P.T. Barnum missed out on this craze; he would have loved reality television. Tom Cruise could even have a second career. He would be a great addition to P.T. Barnum’s act:

Come see the handsome man who looks normal, but looks are not what they seem! Come shiver in fear as he explains reality to you! Come worship his inner alien and bow before his powers of psychiatry! Gaze in Terror as he leaps from couch to couch in orgasmic glee! He is the Cruise!

This does not change the fact his freak show status has nothing to do with Paramount's decision to dump him in my opinion and, after fourteen years, they owe it to him to not join the daisy chain of pain. They dumped him because his movies are not making the money they thought they would. Mission Impossible 3's $47 million opening weekend was a disappointment. It is a business decision and they have to make it personal, why?

I realize that Hollywood is in a panic right now because of the box office as of late. I realize they are trying hard to find why people are not going to see their products anymore and are looking everywhere except at themselves. They tried blaming Kazza and online piracy, but obviously that is not the problem because Pirates has probably been pirated as much as any other movie (no pun intended), yet still has broken records. The problem therefore must obviously be with the stars then, right? Lindsey Lohan was recently put in her place by a studio executive, publicly as well. It seems her behavior off screen is responsible for her bad movies too. The bad scripts and ideas have nothing to do with it.

Have we gotten so into the tabloid world of throwing shyte at each other that now even executives feel the need? The media has never held back on attacking stars, so maybe the executives are trying to pass their buck of their bad choices on the actors they hired. I mean Dukes of Hazzard was not a good television show, so why did anyone think it would do well as a movie? People are not going to the movies because the movies are really bad right now, it has nothing to do with the off screen behavior of the stars. If so, that is beyond disgusting. What happened to loyalty? Are they really basing their future on a USAToday/Gallup poll where half said they did not like him?

Maybe it is neither Tom's weirdness nor the poor box office that is driving Redstone to publicly destroy one of his biggest stars. Maybe Tom was going to leave him and this beats him to the punch. Paula Wagner, Tom Cruise's partner in his production company told Reuters that leaving Paramount was a dream of their's and they have plans to set up their own company. They will probably do very well. According to Reuters, they released five movies with Paramount during their 14 year partnership which has grossed more than $2 billion.

If Paramount wants to end their ties with Tom Cruise, even if it is because he has become a freak show, they owe it to their 14 years of making money together not to publicly destroy him even further. That is just low.

Leaving Paris for the Brooke in Florida

By Kanrei

Fellow Lemmings. Today, we retire someone who has been with us almost since the beginning. I am sure this is more of a vacation than retirement, but still we must let them go for now.

Paris Hilton must be retired. She will never go away as long as people like me keep writing about her. Brooke Hogan on the other hand is just starting out and is just as bad! I am so happy I saved that picture of her on my desktop. This will not take me long.

What The Hell Was That Girl Thinking?!?! Brooke Hogan is a really attractive girl, hell she is beautiful! Her father is Hulk Hogan and her MySpace page says Miami, Fl so I am going to watch what I say here. She is gorgeous to be blunt. I understand she is going into hip hop and she is not only white as white can be, but blonde haired and blue eyed as well not to mention upper, upper, upper class and her dad is Hulk Hogan. I understand all of that could be major obsticles to "street cred", but what the hell is up with those teeth?

Oh yea, her music.

Her “style” is generic bubblegum pop. From the one song on her site, she is better than Paris, but does that really say very much? “About Us” seems more like it is a Paul Wall single with her being the guest star instead of the other way around. Hearing this music does help explain the picture a little, a very little. Not the teeth of course.

Sorry, focus!


According to one of her many official sites, the album appears to be a concept album of sorts. I got to stop saying “album”. Her CD is a conceptual CD of sorts. “It's about me living in the spotlight and braving false media rumors.” You know it will be quality too because “It's produced by Scott Storch, who has also worked with Justin Timberlake, Beyonce, Christina Aguilera, Mario and 50 Cent”. She certainly knows how to market herself already, I will give her that. She has ringtones. I don't have ringtones. Lemmingline ringtones...I like it!

Focus, almost done. Sorry.

BUT WHAT IS UP WITH THOSE TEETH? I really did not want to write about celebrities today. I wanted to do another political piece. I wanted to bitch about Republicans or something. Madonna and Brooke just won't let me.


My fellow Lemmings since I have just retired Paris Hilton, say hello to Brooke and give Paris a kiss good-bye.

Lady Madonna Caesar Ciccone

By Kanrei
Looks like we dodged a bullet my fellow Lemmings and we have Caesar Ciccone to thank.

Lady Madonna, children at your feet, how did you manage to save my seat?

That is right, super shiksa turned rabid pseduo-poser Jew Esther is going to save the world. She has a multi-faceted plan to eliminate the world’s nuclear waste and feed all the starving. Her plan is so simple, so basic that it has to work. All Hail Caesar Ciccone!
READ THE DETAILS

Is Tomorrow the End?

By Kanrei
There is a bunch of concern over tomorrow. Like here for example.

To save you clicking time, it seems tomorrow, August 22nd has some Islamic value that could mean bad news for the world.

This year, August 22 marks the holy day on the Islamic calendar that is the day of reckoning for Shiites. Some Shiite sects believe that August 22 could correspond to the end of the world.

They may be right, but not how they think. There is one major sign that comes tomorrow which coincides with the date the terrorists seem to have picked.

Read More in the Latest Update to "Pop Culture for Armageddon"

No really, Read More in Part Seven of the Series

Cleansing the Past of Smoking Cats

“What do you do for a living?”
“I make sure a cat and mouse never smokes.”

By Kanrei

Tom and Jerry are finding themselves under close scrutiny lately, so close in fact that Turner Broadcasting is “going through the entire catalogue” of cartoons to edit them for content. “This is a voluntary step we’ve taken in light of the changing times.” What changed exactly?

Could it be that someone else has finally seen Tom and Jerry through my eyes? Can it be that, after thirty years of complaint someone actually took note of my points? Am I really that delusional to think I had anything to do with this? Am I actually so delusional that I think someone would actually protest a part of the show that makes sense to protest? Yea, I was. Silly me.

Tom and Jerry has never been a cartoon I enjoyed. It has always just never sat right with me, even when I was a child. There were too many aspects of Tom and Jerry that were just plain mean to a sadistic level. Yes, Bugs Bunny was overly cruel to Elmer Fudd and the Roadrunner did push the Coyote off the cliff many times, but Tom and Jerry managed to take the violence even further.

Jerry was, in reality, nothing more than an urban terrorist. How many times have you seen Jerry set up an IED (improvised explosive device) for Tom to stumble across? Sure, the IED was usually just a pie or liquid of some type, but still. Jerry screwed with Tom for no reason usually and this was presented to me as entertainment.

“Come watch the tiny mouse and the giant cat eviscerate and cremate each other for the next thirty minutes."
"We want you to grow up to be well adjusted.”
“Why is Johnny so violent?

That is not to say that Tom is an innocent victim. He is placed in the sadist's role just as often as Jerry is. Once in a while the animators will even team the two up to unleash their savagery on a third usually innocent victim. The entire cartoon is an expression of love directed at violence and animal cruelty.

No, ironically it is not the violence that got Tom and Jerry in the crosshairs of the overly moral. So what exactly has their ire up then? If violence is not what they are talking about when they say “not appropriate in a cartoon aimed at children”, what can be so bad that they must protest a 60 year old cartoon?

Well smoking obviously! Even though the complaints were registered in England, Turner Broadcasting will be changing how they show these cartoons world wide. Turner Broadcasting is the parent company of Boomerang who the complaints were initially against. It seems a viewer in England saw smoking in two "Tom and Jerry" cartoons and was outraged.

The first offender was called "Texas Tom"(1950) and has Tom rolling, lighting and smoking a cigarette with one hand, er paw. The other offender was "Tennis Chumps"(1949) where the bad guy smoked a cigar. Having never really noticed titles when I was a kid, I looked these episodes up at "The Big Cartoon Database" to see what they were about.

"Texas Tom" seemed harmless from what I could see there. To be honest, it did not give much information, but reading on "Tennis Chumps" makes me wonder why she focused on the smoking. The plot is described as Tom's oppoent "beating him soundly (and literally)" , so Jerry "comes to the rescue right in the middle of the court with a special "killer" tennis ball". Keep in mind the description on this one was vague as well, but we have assault and battery as well as poor sportsmanship. Add to that Jerry's IED tennisball (told you he was a terrorist) to the list of things “not appropriate in a cartoon aimed at children”and all someone can find wrong is that someone is smoking?

I am sorry. I find this so silly it is almost hard to write a serious piece on. In essence we are telling our kids that we are fine with violence, sadism, cruelty, terrorism, and attempted murder as long as they don’t smoke. We need to get our priorities in line and quick. We have become so dysfunctional that we are seeing logic in our illogical actions. This is like being upset over Janet Jackson’s breast peaking out for less than a second right in the middle of a sixty minute tribute to war and violence AKA football.

“Who put this sex in my violence?

Have we run out of boogiemen or have we just given up trying to keep the tough ones away from our kids? I do not want children seeing the wrong message anymore than anyone else, but please get the right "wrong message". Violence or smoking and they pick smoking? Did I miss a memo?

I am purposely being ridiculous in my outrage over the violence in Tom and Jerry cartoons for a reason. I know I am not going to be taken seriously, nor hope to be on this, where as the person protesting this does, did, and sadly is. They need to stop trying to change the world to their standards and raise their child to be prepared for the world's standards instead. Don't remove the things that will force your child to ask difficult or uncomfortable questions. Answer those questions instead or, better yet, watch with them and explain before they ask.

While you will not always be there to protect your child, the world is always waiting. Prepare them for the future and stop changing the past. How will they learn from our mistakes if they never see them anyway?

Babbling Upwards

Previously
He couldn’t have killed her. She was everything to him. He would have killed himself first.

“Then explain Dana to us Charlie.” He thought he heard his thoughts laughing.
Continued...


Kevin had been looking for Charlie for a couple of days now. He had stopped going by “KB Jones” shortly after graduation and before getting a job at Wall Street. That is not to say he gave up being “KB Jones”, just he stopped going by that name. Kevin Jones had a better sound to brokers.

It was Kevin’s job as a stock broker that was bringing him to look for Charlie. He had a few good tips that should turn Charlie’s luck right around. He felt responsible for his fallen friend. He knew Charlie had been down on his luck since loosing his job. It really was wrong that he was fired, but mistakes happen and they usually require a fall guy. Charlie drew the short straw and unemployment was his. He even had to forgo the usual severance package due to the nature of his is offense.

He had gone by Charlie’s house two days ago looking for him, but Michelle had not seen him for a week. She was really scared and Kevin could not tell if she was scared for Charlie or of him. She kept stressing that he had to find him and quick. She was worried what would happen, worried what he may do, and worried about many things that made no sense to Kevin until she mentioned that he was arguing with himself lately; violently sometimes.

Kevin had known about Charlie’s “voices” for many years as well. Charlie told him one night about how Michelle had a magical power to silence his possession. He more than loved her; he needed her to remain sane and happy. She did not complete him so much as absolve him. Without her, he feared what his thoughts would make him do.

Kevin knew never to try and steal her from him. This was something made by fate and they found each other. Kevin also feared him after that conversation.

She never asked Kevin to bring Charlie back home. Kevin took notice of that. It was strange. In the years he had known Charlie, he had never seen Charlie as in love with someone has he was with her and had always just thought she loved Charlie the same.

There was something going on that he did not yet know, but he was really bored and had the day off, so it was time to play “Dime Store Detective” for the day. He had the trench coat on and the cheap suit with badly tied tie. He needed a hat. He really could not do this right without a fedora. He knew a place on the way to the subway. His biggest dilemma was if he should narrate his trip, internally of course.

“OK,” he thought, “I can do this. She was a lady. No! She was a dame. Yea! She was a dame searchin for a guy.
“Can you help me” she asked me. A sultry sort of begging was hidden behind her right eye; or is that a tick?
“Never mind the internal monologue. I’ll just get the hat.”

His cell phone rang, playing “The Macarena” at full blast. It wasn’t that he liked that song. He thought of the most annoying ring he could to force him to answer his cell phone. He really hated the damn invention.

He had been looking for two days now and had nothing to show for it. He really hoped that this call was Charlie saying he is home. He would settle for Michelle calling to say Charlie is OK. He would even take Michelle saying he was in the hospital. At this point, he would take anything that would allow him to stop the search.

Kevin had to take a week’s vacation to make sure he did not get fired. After the first day he was only mildly annoyed, but now he was getting worried.

He looked down at the phone and saw it was Charlie’s house calling. So far so good. If there is a G-d, it would be one of his planned scenarios. He answered the phone to find there is no G-d. It was Michelle, but she was only calling to check on his progress and to give him something she found.

While going through last month’s bills, she noticed he had breakfast at the same diner everyday. It was out of his way for work and she had never heard of it before. He took down the name “Sam’s Coffeehouse Diner” and quickly assumed this must be where Charlie met that Dana girl at. How could he have forgotten about Dana?

Charlie had told him once or twice about this really nice waitress he met named Dana who worked at this place he found. He said the food was awful, but there was this girl there he could talk to for hours.

When asked directly if Charlie was cheating on Michelle, he denied it. He said he just really enjoyed talking to her. He said his voices never even came around when he was with Dana.

The next logical step then is to head off to “Sam’s Coffeehouse Diner”, after buying that fedora of course.
Continued...

Study: Metalheadus Poserous

By Kanrei

I think I have killed my Earworm. I honestly think I am now free of its wretched grasp. I am not sure how it was done and really do not care how as long as I am free of Kiss and their horrible, nasty, icky, disgraceful, sugar-coated power pop-metal.

I know I have been on a theme of sorts here this weekend, but that is one of the nasty side-effects of an Earworm infection. The more that song repeated in my head, the more I was forced to think about how awful that song was and how good, well better than average they used to be. The 80's seemed to be hard on every band, but the metal bands suffered the most. They were affected by disco, although they never realized it at the time. I Was Made for Loving You is even a disco song by none other than Kiss.

While not the rock-gods they thought themselves to be, Kiss did write some great songs before the Great Music Depression of 1980. They are up there with Cheap Trick and Blue Oyster Cult to me. While never achieving that Zeppelin status, they did write some great anthems for the time. They earned a place in Rock History, but not a starring role.

Rock and Roll All Nite is right up there with Surrender and Godzilla. Strutter and Detroit Rock City are easily on par with Dream Police or Burning for You, but these are not songs that would be representative of quality or classic rock by any standard. They are simply catchy songs with a hook and a chant able chorus. They are geared more for what I like to call the Budweiser Crowd.


Everyone has seen the Budweiser Crowd. They are found in any place you have a high school and teenagers. The scientific name for them is Genus: Metalheadus Species Poserous. They are mammals from what science can tell. They are always in search of a mate, yet never seem to reproduce. This does not change their population however, so there must be a secret mating spot that science has yet been unable to find. Also, evolution seems to skip them. While Darwin had found that creatures adapt to their surroundings for survival, the Metalheadus Poserous seem to be identical the world around. They are a truly one of the arguments for unintelligent lack-of-design.

For the purposes of this article, Metalheadus Poserous will be referred to by their common name: Posers.

Posers are very easy to spot in the wild. Their natural habitats are usually the same as your average teenager, but their habits and appearance in these places is completely unique. They tend to all dress in faded blue jeans, usually with holes in the knees. A baseball hat is usually found, worn backwards, atop a mullet hair style. Partially grown mustaches can usually be found on the males, but never a full beard. It appears that Posers are incapable of growing true facial hair.


They usually are found in packs of three to five males and, sometimes one or two females. The females of the species appear identical to the males, with the obvious lack of facial hair usually and an abundance of hairspray obscuring if they have a mullet or not. They are very territorial, but usually claim a very small territory. More often than not, it is just a few feet from the back of their pick-up truck adorned with AC/DC and Metallica stickers.

If their territory is threatened, their behavior is always the same, so it is therefore possible to survive an encounter. First, remember they never attack alone. The Poser is a cowardly creature that gains strength only from not wanting to look weak before his peers. If you can outnumber them, the chance of a confrontation drops significantly. If not, distract them with beer, pot, or talk of Metallica. They usually suffer from a chemically enhanced attention deficit so, if you can keep them from attacking for five minutes, you will be fine. Happily, your chances of running into a pack of Posers greatly decreases as you grow.

The Poser is fascinated by simplistic music. The less chords and changes the better. It is weird they attach themselves to a band like Metallica, known for more complex arrangements, but they counter it with the 3 chord heavy blues of AC/DC, the raunch of Guns N'Roses, or the rapping of Linkin Park. Rapping? What the hell is rap doing in rock anyway? Next is disco punk? Hip-hop country? Anyway, it appears any music that is simple or contains the word "f*ck" is big with this species.

It is important to note at this point that not all AC/DC or Metallica fans are Posers. Some appear like Posers, but are actually poser Posers, trying to fit in. Most fans are real fans and should not feel offended as they read this. If you did, hello Poser. Rock on Dude!

There is hope for the Poser. As they age, they usually outgrow most of this behavior. I know. I used to be one.

See what an Earworm can do to you? Please help me eradicate this problem in our lifetime.