Friday, February 02, 2007


Today is not my usual Friday. It is not good and it is not bad, yet something is still amiss right now. I woke up to that wonderful feeling of vomit rising from my stomach eager to see the light of day. It almost made it out three times before finally getting free. No, I am not sick, I just have a nervous stomach and tomorrow I am actually going to try for Tampa and my father yet again.

I believe I can actually make it tomorrow. I am the little engine that could. I am going to fight my growing agoraphobia and actually leave my house for a weekend. I am going to ignore that onslaught of things that could go wrong and concentrate instead on the things that will go right. My head is racing with everything possible problem that could come up from my car breaking down to my house burning down to a terrorist attack happening. I really am not joking about that agoraphobia thing either. My hands are shaking just at the thought of being away, far away from my home for the next 48 hours. After five years of avoiding travel I am starting to realize it was less my choice and more my fear keeping me home.

Why am I so scared right now? Terrified is a better word. I would so much rather just stay at home in my bathrobe this weekend and watch endless documentaries and play videogames and blog. I am going to have to actually talk to and see people this weekend and I will have no control over when, how, or for how long I must see them. Is it agoraphobia or just a control issue for me actually? Either way I am not the happiest of campers at this moment. I feel trapped with each minute bringing me closer to tomorrow and the reality of travel.

I also am nervous wondering what wonderful joke G-d has planned for tomorrow since He always has such wonderful plans for when I try to travel. I mean the car throwing a rod two years ago was funny, but nothing beats the bleeding ass of this last year. Am I going to wake up dead tomorrow? What part of my body will be bleeding this time? Do you think my father is just as nervous? Am I scared to see him or scared to leave my house? At least work is going smoothly today.

Maybe G-d will be on my side this time and forgo the entertainment I usually provide Him. I will tell you what G-d, if you make this weekend go smoothly and all go well I will be a bigger fool all next week just for You. You will not remember when you laughed so hard if you find someone else to entertain you this weekend, I promise; deal?


RexZeitgiest said...

ahahahahahaha....YOU CAN DO IT!

Enjoy your father, who knows how many times more you will get to see him.....

I wish I had a chance to visit with my dad one more time, but that will have to wait until we meet in the great beyond...

We should do a study of the correlation between agrophobia and blogging, I bet there is strong evidence to suggest a linkage....

PS, are you ok? Those storms did alot of damage in Florida...Lets us know you made it through alright!

Serena Joy said...

Oh, dear me, Kan. With the very thought of making this trip causing you to taste vomit, I have to wonder whether you should do it. With me, if I really don't want to go and am making myself sick with the thought of going, there's no force on earth that can make me go. It's true; I am stubborn as a mule when I have (or need) to be. Everyone is different, though, and you have to do what you feel is right for you. Can't your father come to you? That might make things much easier.

Kanrei said...

I know I can Rex...I hope. That enjoy while I can is why I still try. I do not want to have any regrets later on. I want to try and try and try again to have a relationship of some type with him or else I fear it will haunt me later on.

I think you would find most bloggers have some form of social anxiety. Blogging lets us feel safe and still keep in touch. It is probably not that good to be honest.

The storms were north of me...near where I used to live actually. Moving to Miami saved me again I guess.

I got to go. In my family the kids go to visit the parents unless the kids are in college or have kids of their own. I fall under neither so I must go. Besides, I have to try and beat this fear or else this is the rest of my life.