Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Time for the Bitter Report!: with Kanrei

Bah and humbug! I know it’s the wrong holiday for that classic of seasonal literature, but is there a more appropriate holiday for such a term really? Most holidays can be celebrated alone, but not this cursed black Hallmark holiday. The very nature of this day is “couples only” and hand lotion for the single. Stay out of sight because your solitude might upset the happy people. Bah and humbug!

Saints I believe are a Catholic creation. That would make Saint Valentine a Catholic saint and his day a Catholic holiday. What does public displays of affection have to do with the Catholic church? I thought they opposed pre-marital sex. How exactly did this disease of displaying one’s affection in public spread out to the general public anyway? Can we pass a law banning it or something?

I am not going to hide behind the separation of Church and state thing because it technically is not a national holiday, but come on. Given that there is no clear cause and effect relationship between second hand smoke and cancer it seems clear to me that smoking in doors was banned mainly due to the nuisance factor. All I am proposing is that the same nuisance factor be considered for those of us who are single and wish to enjoy our meal without seeing some morbidly obese couple exchange kisses between bites of their Macaroni Grill entrée’. Is it too much to ask that I actually get a meal in my stomach before having the desire to expel it back onto the table?

Tomorrow should be placed in its proper context and it is not a day to celebrate love. Oh no, hardly. It is a day to make it easier to spot the single people. Those of us who have no kids yet pay for schools. Those of us who pay more in taxes because we are single and childless. Those of us whose opinions do not matter; who must live in a world where “for the children” rules and couples are above the single. What kind of life is that?

Tomorrow I proclaim the start of a new world. A world free of public displays of affection and so called “love” holidays. I proclaim a world where gay people cannot marry and not because they are gay, but because marriage itself has been outlawed. I proclaim a world where the greeting card is used for birthdays and greetings only and all Hallmark holidays are forever null and void. I proclaim a world where flowers and diamonds are no different than anything else taken from the Earth. I proclaim a world where everyone is encouraged to fall in love, but encouraged even more to keep it to themselves. Oh won’t someone please think of my virgin eyes?!

Assuming I wake up tomorrow to this world and realize no one gives a damn about what I proclaim, have a happy Black Wednesday. Spend it with someone you don’t even know and make their day. If you know everyone I suppose settle for the one you love, but if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with. Doo-doo, doo-doo, do, do,do-do.


Serena Joy said...

Kan, Kan -- it's not going to be that black of a day. I've paid a lot of lip service this week to V-Day, but it's much more bark than bite. I see it as a holiday for exchanging cute cards with lots of people and ... eating chocolates.

Word: Sometimes I feel a hell of a lot lonelier married than I ever did single.

Kanrei said...

I hear that quite a bit. Different type of lonely though. For all you complain you would never trade in the Huz.

I am sure my cynical sweetie is out there somewhere bitter about the day as well. I should just go and search for "Black Wednesday".

Serena Joy said...

For sure she's out there. You'll probably stumble across her when you're least expecting it.