Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Did I Really Just Post This?

I was not going to blog about this, but the more I think about it the more funny it becomes in my head. Yes, it is a humiliating story in every regard, but it is still really funny and it is rude of me to keep it to myself. If you have issues with gore you may not want to read on, but then you will miss me at my lowest. I mean how can I not blog about a day that ends with me wearing a maxipad?

I was supposed to go to Tampa this weekend to celebrate New Year’s Eve with my father. I have not seen him in three years and we are working on rebuilding a relationship…well, building one. To rebuild something means there was once something there. Either way, I was supposed to leave Friday and come back on Monday and spend the weekend with him and his wife, but I procrastinated on the Friday departure and told him I would be leaving Saturday morning. It was that damn “Company of Heroes” game again which I did finish finally, but you see you are not the only ones suffering from that cursed game.

So I wake up bright and early on Saturday morning and find something that a man should never ever find ever. I went to bed wearing blue boxers, but woke up wearing rust colored. Not a normal thing, though I assume women are quite used to that. When a man sees his own blood that is usually reason enough to panic, but when he sees it in his underwear that is more than enough cause for full mental breakdown. I was already stressed about going to see my dad, this was more than I could handle. Screw caffeine in the morning; nothing gets you up like boxers of blood.

I dialed my parent’s cellphone before I even thought to do it. My step-father is a doctor so who better to call? My mother answered the phone and was eagerly awaiting my excuse for why I had not left for Tampa yet. Last year I got an hour out of Miami when my car died. The year before that I had to work on research during the holidays and could not go. As you can guess, I am quite good at finding reasons not to go. This year was the year I was going to make it and now I had to postpone my trip because my ass was bleeding. I do not think she was prepared for this one.

Hello, I am Kanrei, hemorrhoid sufferer.

There was no way my dad would believe this. Doesn’t it suck more to tell the truth and not be believed then it does to lie and get caught? I was really thinking of a way to find a more believable lie than the truth, but I fell back on the truth and told him. I do not think he believed me at first, but even I could hear the disappointment in my voice so he had to accept this was the truth. I wanted to go because I gave my word I would. I tried to tell him I would leave the next day, but he said he did not want me driving if I was bleeding. Fair enough, but I wanted to and gave my word. I tried and tried, but he refused to allow me to come up and, at 35, I listened to my father.

I do not really like my father as a human being, but he is my father and I love him. There was a period of time in my 20’s where I blew him off because that made my life easier, but that was a selfish point of view. He is not there for me to approve of or disapprove of. That is not his role. His role is to have a hand is raising me to be a better person and, at 35, I can see he did in his own way. Worst case scenario and negative examples can work wonders if you do not live with that person. I had my mother and step-father to counter-balance what I saw in my father. As much as my parents are responsible for who I became, so is he in his own way and I love him for that.

Tangent, sorry. My step-father told me that my problem (not the tangents) is a symptom of stress and is normal. Between my bosses being out of town and being nervous about going to see my dad, it was par for the course. My body was going to show the stress some way and this is better than a stroke. I just had to rest for a few days and it should get better, but will be with me for the rest of my life, popping out to say “Hi” every now and then….goodie.

I did warn you this was gross, but is more embarrassing to write than gross to read. Anyway, I went to a friend’s house to take my mind of my problems. While there I could not keep it in. Much like I am doing now with you, I confessed the entire story to him and his girlfriend. To make a joke out of it, I told her I now know how she feels to ruin underwear and she offered me a maxipad. It made perfect sense and I immediately removed “never wore female products” from my list of things that made me more of a man.

And now here I am confessing this tale of joy to you and the tens of people who read this blog. My parents and boss and friends already know, so my online family of Lemmings should know and have the joy of laughing at me as well.

The worst part of the entire thing is that I kept saying “this whole thing is a pain in the ass” without realizing that it literally was. I keep telling you G-d is freaking funny. I had His attention all weekend.

6 comments:

Serena Joy said...

Oh, gawd, Kan, I feel your pain. Trust me, women who've given birth (or had abdominal surgery) know all about the misery of hemorrhoids. You don't have to wear Maxi-Pads, though. Here's what you do: buy a pack of Preparation H "Wipes," fold one in half, and wear it instead of the Maxi-Pad. It'll cure the damn hemorrhoids AND preserve your dignity.

I hear you on the dynamic of you and your father, too. I'm in a similar boat, but ... that's a story for another time.

Hope your physical problem is cleared up soon.

RexZeitgiest said...

ahahahahahahaha.........Dude, get Hem-relief.....type that in your search engine, order it, and in three days, they will be gone...........This hapened to me this summer when I got pneumonia and dehydration and the 'hem relief' stopped it dead in its tracks......

No fuss, no muss, no surgery...this stuff works...

RexZeitgiest said...

http://www.western-herbal.com/


***********
Hem-Relief is the most effective hemorrhoids treatment available.

Many of our competitors treat the symptoms of hemorrhoids, ignoring the actual condition which causes those symptoms. These products may offer temporary relief, but without treating the condition itself, the symptoms are likely to return as soon as you stop using their product. You would not take pain relief for a broken arm without fixing the fractured bone, so why would you take pain relief for hemorrhoids without treating the damaged veins?

Hem-Relief works to treat hemorrhoids at the source. Our proprietary formula is proven to heal and strengthen damaged vascular tissue, treating the actual condition from the inside out. As the condition is eliminated, so too are it's symptoms. Because Hem-Relief is taken orally, entering the blood stream, it successfully treats both external and internal hemorrhoids with no awkward insertion or messy creams.

Kanrei said...

Told ya it was gross =D

RexZeitgiest said...

Take my advice Kanrei....This works and it works fast.....

Screwing around with anything else is just wasting time....

Variant E said...

Man...you know, many things happen to me...glad that isn't one of them. That's a major sucky thing! That would not be good for my dating lifestyle! Here's hoping you kick ass on that problem (I know, bad joke)...