Friday, January 26, 2007

A Friday at Home (After a Rough Night)

Today's "It's Friday" will is going to be something I wrote last night. I have had a hard week at work this week and last night I felt all the weight of it come down on me. I took the Rex advice of blogging through it and it really did help. Please, if you read it, make it to the end because while I was sad when I started it I worked through it and the ending is much more up than the beginning. I can already see my mother reading it and stopping half way through saddened that she somehow ruined my life. Do not worry mom, just make it to the end. It is an interesting example of how a mind works through things and how suddenly a realization can come and save you.

This week I have been in two meetings. I have never really had a meeting in my life and this week I had two. These meetings were to discuss certain issues that have been reoccurring with my job: scheduling difficulties mainly. Given that the schedule is my job that would make these two meetings about me although no one uttered that fact. Instead it was all the general “there is a problem and we need to find out why” but it all came back directly to something I had a hand in.

How can I feel any other way than I am screwing up? How can I not believe that I am the problem and that people are just not telling me because I am the boss’s son? They love him and would do anything for him including covering for his screw-up of a child I am sure. The problems all appear to me to be coming from other places, but I also cannot argue with the fact that logic dictates I am the problem. I mean what other conclusion is there when unrelated issues all have one common element. It would make sense that the element all these things share would be the thing causing the problem, right?

My job is a balancing act by definition that guarantees someone will be unhappy with me everyday I work. I have grown used to the fact that someone is mad at me daily. Most times I get to upset the day staff by making them cancel patients, but at least they know me and know it is not my doing. The research company and the night staff I also run the risk of pissing off do not know me and they do believe it is my choice to cause them turmoil. All I do is what I am told, but my position makes me the messenger and they shoot messengers.

I love my job and would never want another one. I love the people I work with and actually wake up before my alarm everyday. I have a great time at work, I just worry that I am not good at it. My biggest fear coming to work for family was that I would somehow destroy the business and ruin everything for everyone. Every now and then I get the feeling that I am doing just that and right now is one of those times. I mean I know I really have not done anything wrong, but that does not mean I have not screwed up somehow because too many people are upset and the schedule is the common thread.

Yes, I do a research schedule and a regular schedule for two locations. Yes, I have certain people who can not do certain research studies. Yes, I have some people who work both locations and some who only work one. Yes, I have more than half a schedule of names of people who do not give me a work request then get pissed they do not work. Yes, I have school schedules to compete with and the love of weekends. And yes, I have people who I can never reach and others calling me every hour to see if there is work for them yet. I told you my job is a juggling act. I am not even bringing up the payroll, newsletter, and errands. I do have fun.

The reason I am bringing all that up is that I know mistakes are being made and will be made in the future. What I fear is that the mistakes are my fault somehow. That maybe I am in over my head and enjoying what I do is not enough.

To be fair to myself, no patient has been sent home due to anything I have done or not done. Everything is always taken care of and someone is always there for the patients. I am not screwing anything up in that regard. It is just people are unhappy and I have never been one to handle unhappiness. It plays on my insecurities when people are unhappy. It is somehow always my fault…

I think I just had a break through. Blogging does seem to help. I mean my entire life I have always been convinced I was the reason for any unhappiness happening around me. Every and any problem had to somehow be my fault. The things happening today at work are just normal work issues that come up from time to time and I am not screwing up. I am being paranoid and insecure and if I continue I run the risk of self-fulfilling prophesy.

Wow! I really just felt a load lift off of my shoulders. Thanks for listening to my rant. I hope my mother makes it to the end before she convinces herself I am miserable.


Serena Joy said...

Well, the first thing you do is, lose the guilt. Stuff happens, and it's more than likely not your fault. Scheduling is hard, and the more people there are to be scheduled, the harder it is. Perhaps it would help to get with your boss and try to develop a more failproof system. What about posting sign-up sheets instead of leaving it up to you to contact employees about working? If they sign up, they get on the schedule; if they don't, they're SOL. Would that be at all feasible?

RexZeitgiest said...

Just remember, you can't please everyone, all the time.....It must be difficult to work with family, even when you love them very much...Having worked with my family and friends, I know how issues can arise and cause friction, even little issues can blow up and become larger ones....

Just try and keep the lines of communication open and stop small problems from getting larger....And leave work, AT WORK...don't take your issues with scheduling to dinner at Moms, just leave them behind and enjoy your time off....

When I was a real estate agent, I brought tons of work to my mom and step dad, both sisters, and my brother, but they never reciprocated with referrals.....When I was in that moment, I blamed them for this discrepency. But years later I relaize I never brought it up to them in the present, I just let it stew and make me mad, causing us to be pushed apart and become a self fulfilling prophecy...

If there is an issue, get it out, correct it, and move on....I know that is easier said then done, but it will help allleviate pressure....

Good luck with it Kan....

The one and only incredibly Scary Monster said...

You be saying many things and seen to be worried about how you measure up to others expectations of you. DON'T. STOMP! You say that you love your job and wouldn't want to do anything else. That alone is fabulous. you be way ahead of most folks in that respect. Nobody can make everyone happy it's a fact. Some people just prefer to be shitty, miserable and condescending.
Look what happened to Dr. King, Jesus and Ghandi.
Me don't worry about mistakes. When me makes them Me fixes them, learns from it and moves on. Iffin it really affected someone adversy, Me apologises., But me never knocks me self on the head.
You seem to have passion.
You are taking responsibility.
Now all you have to do is ask yourself is this:
Is Me doin the best that Me can do?
iffin your answer is yes, than all the other stuff won't matter in the future.
(Sorry this was so long)

Kanrei said...

You all have such great advice, thank you all. My biggest problem is that this is my first time in a real office. I spent most of my working life in restaurants. The office world is so weird to me. In restaurants, when things go wrong, there is always someone who did it. It seems in the office world things just go wrong because of how many people are working on the same thing.

I must keep that in mind and Rex, you are right and work should be left at work. I tend to dwell on things and I shouldn't.

SM, go as long as you want to because you have wisdom and, to cut yourself short would be to rob me of your words.

Anonymous said...

Kanrei, Talking about it is the best thing. Nothing is as bad as it seems.