Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Lemming House X-Clusive! Mark Foley's Alien Connection

By Kanrei

Mark Foley today claimed that he had been abducted by homosexual aliens ten years ago. They took him deep into Uranus where they taught him the joy of dirty talking.

“Type dirty to me baby” Xezop said to him his first night there. “Use that space bar the way I like it.”

The full story as best we at the lemming house can piece together is as follows:

Mark Foley, former Congressional Representative for the state of Florida was abused by a drunk priest from Uranus as a child. It is something he kept hidden out of fear it would ruin his political career, but we can tell you the full story now.

Young Mark Foley would wait outside nightly. He would gaze lustingly at the skies awaiting his holy pervert alien anal-word-fest to begin. It was his grandest memories of youth and an important part of any growing 17 year old’s experience. They would often take him to their “text message singles club” and they would party the night away until they had blisters on their fingers.

We should note at this point that he was never involved in any physical abuse from what our limited unpaid reporter could tell. The “anal-word-fest” was added by the reporter because he felt “it was too good to let go.” It seems like it was mostly just descriptive in nature.

Over the next few year talking dirty became his “thing”. It is a little known fact that Poison’s debut release “Talk Dirty to Me” was actually inspired by this Florida official. His problem was that a door to door rubber nipple salesman is not the occupation for weird kinky sex that you don’t have to pay for. Not that I know or anything. Moving on…

Seeing Bill Clinton and his success with interns inspired our Mr. Foley. He realized that public orifice…office is the place for him. He ran for a House seat and won because no one votes for the House unless it is a Presidential year. He was in and was given his own harem, I mean stable, I mean group of pages. The rest is history.

See, it is a Democrat’s fault.

And now you know.
And knowing is half the battle.
G.I. Joe.

*Disclaimer: The views you have just read in no way reflect the reality the rest of you live in. We accept no liability for any damage caused to your good sense if you were not wearing the proper tin foil cap during the literary voyage. The facts presented in the story exist in the mind of the author and in other lead painting eating children world-wide. The mind is a terrible thing to waste.

The Management



23 comments:

missouri-lisa said...

LOL...you're a hoot!

Serena Joy said...

LMAO! Your theory makes as much sense as anything else. The truth is out there -- and so are the pervs. I should know. I've been asked to "type dirty to me." LOL!

missouri-lisa said...

" I've been asked to "type dirty to me." LOL!"

I HAVE typed dirty!

LOL

missouri-lisa said...

uhhhh....but not to miners!

RexZeitgiest said...

I think anyone that would search for love on the internet, is more than a little whacko......


In this internet world we live in, news becomes old as soon as it is posted....We do not live in the age of the Pony Express where week old newspapers are hot items.....


Even if the story is, 'deep in Uranus'.........

Steve G said...

Very good. First thing to do when your caught it turn yourself in for drinking too much. Hell I drink too much, but will hold off on turning myself in.

Anonymous said...

update your site more cluckhead.

Kanrei said...

LOL

I am just finding this entire story so entertaining. Probably because he was my Rep, but who knows.

Anon,
I update almost everyday. How much more do you want from a one lemming show?

RexZeitgiest said...

Cluckhead? This is not your regular Anon, Jackass would have been much more 'floral' in his word choice......

Serena Joy said...

Kan, maybe I should round up all your Anons, take them home with me. I'm in "Xena" mode right now and taking no prisoners. I'll make them type dirty, too. I might even make them IM Foley.

Kanrei said...

I have but one troll sadly. I want more, but it is the same guy everytime. I suck.

Serena Joy said...

Don't fret, Kan. I suck worse. I got no trolls at all to play with. What are you using for bait?

missouri-lisa said...

Serena...you're cracking me up!!

Xena mode!!

LOL

BTW Rex:

Sometimes, lifes biggest rewards, lifes best suprises, lifes greatests joys, come from the most unexpected places when not even looking.

And I see them as Blessings...nothing whacko about it.

Whacko is looking for children to have internet sex with.

Kanrei said...

I wish I knew what bait I was using because I would stop =D

RexZeitgiest said...

'Whacko is looking for children to have internet sex with. '


On that we can agree.....Lets not make it a habit..... ;)

Sherry said...

I don't know, Lisa. Sometimes they try to force-feed me Pamprin when I go all Xena. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with it. Sometimes a girl's just gotta do what a girl's gotta do. And if she needs combat boots and a sword to do it, so be it.

Kan, I'm experimenting with this "identity issue." It may go through, it may not.

SJ

P.S. -- Well, pooey, it's going, but not with my Blogger ID.

Kanrei said...

Combat boots and a sword? Buffy?

Serena Joy said...

Buffy on Pamprin. Look out.

Whew, I got my multiple personality issue straightened out. LOL.

missouri-lisa said...

Pamprin??

LOL

I never took that stuff.

I felt it was better to go "Xena".

Damn girl...that's a great line.

Can I borrow that??

missouri-lisa said...

hey...my comment didn't post.

What's going on, Kan?

missouri-lisa said...

Never mind. : )

Serena Joy said...

I'm not really on that stuff, Lisa. I just tell people I am so they'll be lulled into thinking I'm under control. LOL.

Hey, of course you can use the Xena line.

Gal said...

Very funny piece, Kan.

uhhhh....but not to miners!

What have you got against miners, Lisa? Don't you like the coal dust on their hands? Well, that's why they invented black keyboards, honey.

I'll make them type dirty, too. I might even make them IM Foley.

Hmmm. Sounds like a plan. If you want more trolls, Serena, you could try dirty talking on your site. You might not like the virtual STDs you get though. Keep an economy-sized bottle of site moderation next to your computer stand.