Lemmings Artist of the Fortnight: Elysian Fields

I have a confession to make to everyone. I am really bad at updating on any sort of schedule. Every one I have tried to keep for this blog has failed horribly. My “Lemming Artist of the Week” ends up being the artist of the months. My weekly secrets of life column sort of died when I hit the writer’s block wall and the Charlie story has fallen into limbo since I wrote myself into a corner with it.

I do complain and rant on a fairly regular basis so that is something. My “Its Friday” column continues unaffected by my sloth and forgetfulness. There is some hope I suppose. I just need to make some minor adjustments. Focus on bi-weekly updated columns and monthly themed pieces. That should work for both me the writer and you the reader.

To kick off this new path of attempted order at the Lemming House I would like to introduce the “Official Lemming Artist of the Fortnight: Elysian Fields.”

The lead singer’s voice is like something out of a dream. Her voice makes the hair on my neck stand up and chills to drip slowly down my spine. She looks like Jessica Rabbit in my head and just oozes that same sex appeal. To ever see what Jennifer Charles looked like in real life would ruin the illusion.

The style of music they play drifts from song to song. They will play something that sounds like 90’s Goth rock and follow it with a song that would fit in a 30’s night club after closing.

I really do not know very much about this band and I do not want to know very much. It is something weird about me when I really like a band I try to not learn too much about them. I want to just enjoy the music and assign my own meaning to it. This is one of the few new groups to grab me from the first note and has yet to let go.

They have a website as well as a Myspace page. Check them out and you will thank me.

Superiority Kerry-ed Him Away

By Kanrei

I always tell people I have no political party. I am equally distrustful of both parties currently maintaining a stranglehold over our collective political throats. I always say that we should be distrustful of anyone who willingly puts themselves and their families through the hell that our election process has become. If anyone wants power so badly that they offer every secret their children hold dear to the public then they cannot be trusted with power. It is that simple to me.

Now I understand that most of those who read my words will not believe this about me. I fit the mold of the quintessential liberal Democrat as described since 2001. I have even played the role for the most part, but my reasons differ from those of most people. I do it because I do not trust a sitting President ever.

The sitting President has been a Republican for as long as most of you have been aware of me and have only seen me bashing Bush. You did not know me when I was screaming “No War for Monica” or when I swore I would never vote for Gore. You did not know me when I refused to vote in 1996 because I did not trust either candidate with the White House. You have only seen me while the Bushies are assaulting my favorite country (No, not Iraq). Today I have a chance to show you the other side. Today I attack a Democrat.

I did place a vote of support next to John Kerry’s name in the 2004 election. I admit that, but not proudly. I voted for the lesser of two evils to me while still voting for evil. I did not vote FOR John Kerry. I voted for a change, any change. Today I am kind of happy he did not ascend to the White House. Either he is an idiot, a traitor, or both, but a man who says the words he says should not be President.

"You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq." – John Kerry October 30, 2006, Pasadena City College, California.

This statement clearly says that only those who did not do well in school are serving in Iraq today. He is saying that the people in Iraq are the bottom of the American barrel who could aspire to nothing other than mindless servitude in a quagmire. This is beyond not being presidential, this is anti-troops.

Today Kerry claims that he was not speaking about the troops in Iraq, but rather was taking another jab at Bush and the White House. He says that Bush did not do his homework before going to Iraq and that is what he means. The problem that I have with this defense is that I am fluent in English. There is nothing there that even hints at Bush.

I watched Kerry debate Bush three times in 2004. I saw Kerry wipe the floor with Bush three times in 2004. I saw Kerry direct attacks at Bush with no room for spin or innuendo. He is a man who says exactly what he means to say and always has. He was not talking at all about Bush when he said those words. He was using Iraq to scare the kids attending the college he was speaking at into doing better in school.

Marge: [to Bart] Now we have to find another school for you.
Homer: And if you get kicked out of that one, you're going straight in the army, where you'll be sent straight to America's latest military quagmire.
-The Simpsons

Kerry thinks, like I used to until recently, of the military as a last resort for those who failed at everything else. He has always looked down his nose at everyone else, including while he served so it does not surprise me for him to believe he is above the average intelligence of the military. I was wrong in my belief and realized that after September 11th.

Those who serve in the military are people who put country above all else and that is not a reflection of their success or intelligence. The truth is that I could not handle the military and I know it. I am also very thankful to every single person who has volunteered to protect my pacifist derriere. I realize I can be a pacifist because there are those willing to die for me.

Kerry screwed up royally yesterday in his speech at Pasadena City College. He must have a foot fetish or something the way he jammed it in his mouth. He got carried away with his elitist attitude while speaking to a lowly community college and let slip his belief that the military are a lower class than he is.

I cannot say I am unhappy about this turn of events either to be honest. I would love the nationally known names from both parties to retire in disgrace and let the Congress return to serving those it was intended to serve: the people. Party over country is my definition of treason.

A Lemming Halloween Mission

By Kanrei

Last year I remember a massively loud yet physically small group opposing Halloween. It might have only been a Floridiot thing (we have many), but I recall people trying to ban Halloween from schools and encouraging people not to take their kids trick-or-treating. They did not want people to celebrate a holiday they decided was evil.

Later on that same year this same massively loud yet physically small group opposed the non-commercialization of Christmas. They felt that Christmas just was not getting enough press and wanted all other holidays to bow before the might of the Festival of Dionysus I mean Christmas. It is the “reason for the season” after all. I am not positive,but I am pretty sure Joseph and Mary celebrated Chanukah.

To be honest, I was not sure what holidays we're allowed after all that going into this year. Will my house be egged if I do hand out candy or if I don’t? Should I say “Merry Christmas” to everyone even though I celebrate Chanukah? Doesn’t “Happy Holidays” cover it all rather nicely?

Regardless, this year’s holiday blitz has been surprisingly and refreshingly quiet. I have never heard such a wonderful silence in all my life. I just am not sure if the silence is because the massively loud yet physically small group actually won or if it is because they came to their senses? We have no trick-or-treaters in my neighborhood normally so I will not know the answer until Christmas time.

The lack of T-or-T’s around here is not due to religious fervor, but rather a sad reality of the day. Miami is not the town it was when I grew up. As a kid I used to have two or three costumes so I could hit the houses in my neighborhood more than once. Maximize and abuse free candy: a Liberal even as a youth. We had the legends of the poison popcorn, the razorblade apple, and the stickers laced with acid (never got those), but we still wandered the neighborhood safely with only a parental inspection of the candy afterwards to worry about.

Today people take their kids to the malls and upper class neighborhoods far from their homes for candy today here because they cannot trust the people next door anymore. Shame really.

I need the help of all Lemmings to figure this sign out. With no T-or-T’s here I will not know if Halloween is dead. There was no “Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown” this year, but was there one last year? Please let us know how Halloween goes for you. If there are no children in masks begging for free candy anywhere then we have a very nasty and bitter holiday season coming.

"We" and "Us" consists of myself and my cats. They were not very much help with this story however because they have found a crumbled piece of paper that has them fixated.

Lynne Lies About Her Sisters

By Kanrei

There is a scene towards the end of the movie Seven where Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman are driving Kevin Spacey out into the desert. They are detectives and Spacey is a confessed serial killer leading them to his final two victims’ bodies. It is a long drive and naturally they talk: an informal interrogation of the killer. Brad Pitt asks Spacey at one point if he knows he is insane. He wonders if there is ever a point where Spacey stops and says to himself that it is amazing how insane he really is. I wonder if those in Washington ever stop and say to themselves “Wow, it is amazing how big of a liar I really am!”

CONTINUED IN LEMMING POLITICS

The Worst Block of my Neighborhood

The blank page is a cliff. It stands there taunting and teasing the writer. Only by getting close to it can one overcome it, but there always runs the risk of going too far and not returning. Like Don Quixote we face each and every one hoping to overcome the void once and for all and conquering the blank page. To reach the plateau of perfection is every lemming writer’s goal, but there is no plateau without the cliffs and there is no beginning without the blank page. They must be conquered and that can only be done through confrontation.

I still here now waging a fresh battle with the blank page monster; the windmill I joust daily. Most days the aerogenerator wins and my only recourse is the delete key. This only returns me to the blank page with no scars or signs of the struggle I just lost. Today I insist upon a victory even if the blankness is the subject I use to fill the void. The barren blanched landscape will run with the dark stains of letters. I will fill the space with words regardless of their meaning or lack there of. The blankness shall not win again.

I do realize there is a subtle victory for the void if I fill it with text chronicling how it defeats me. It immortalizes this flaw in my character and accents the power of the blank page over me, but so be it. A small victory is still a victory. I only hope this beats the block.

Shame on NBC

The Dixie Chicks have a movie documenting their rise and fall from national grace called "Shut up and Sing." The documentary opens nationwide on November 10th, but NBC refuses to air the ads for the movie because it "cannot accept these spots as they are disparaging to President Bush."

Harvey Weinstein who runs the production company releasing the film had this to say:

"It's a sad commentary about the level of fear in our society that a movie about a group of courageous entertainers who were blacklisted for exercising their right of free speech is now itself being blacklisted by corporate America. The idea that anyone should be penalized for criticizing the president is sad and profoundly un-American."

Amen Harvey, amen.

Remeber I did not call for "Path to 9/11" to be taken off the air nor did I call for a boycott of it. This pre-emptive censorship to save the country is killing this country faster than the terrorists who have that stated goal.

POS PC and the MIA IT of Slack (AKA It's Friday)

I was writing about what a good Friday I was having. I had three very well written paragraphs all typed up and things were going swimmingly when suddenly my POS PC decided to remind me what level of Hell I worked in. The level is known as the “Computer Sloth Level” and while I cannot tell you if Hell can freeze over I can tell you my POS PC can and does.

Three paragraphs of sarcastic witty gold. Three paragraphs of the best prose I could write while trapped in an office and it got flatly rejected by the Frankenstein sloth. It was mid-sentence when it was all thrown into the cyber waste bin. Because I was writing while “in a zone” I cannot recreate any of it either. It is gone and all the fault of the MIA IT guy who is always “on his way” but never arrives.

Never arrives is kind of harsh to be honest, he does show up and fixes one thing and leaves. He “forgets” to fix the rest. He has had the extra memory my computer needs in his car for the last four days and he always will be here in an hour. The next day my computer has no new memory and is equally as slow as the day before. He was better when we paid him per job. Now that he is on a retainer he seems to put us constantly on the bottom of his list.

I am going to go for now, but I will do a real update when I get home. That computer works.

An Unrealized Dream Fulfilled

By Kanrei

Oh joy and rapture my prayers have been answered. This is indeed a wonderful day after all. I hope it is a good pretense for the impending Friday. The AP Entertainment section has just given me the best news I could ever have dreamed of. As usual there is a back story that we must tread through to get to the news, but I want you to fully understand my joy and rapture. Without the back story it is just “some oh well” story.

My brother had a great influence on my musical taste growing up. I was five years younger than he was (was? Still am five years younger) and I had that overwhelming desire for him to think I was cool. He played Dungeons and Dragons so I played it. He loved horror movies so I loved horror movies. He was the quintessential 80’s metalhead complete huge afro bush atop his head so I had to be a metalhead as well.

My brother introduced me to metal right at the prime time of heavy metal. It was the wonderful time between the tragic end of Led Zeppelin and the horrible rise of Glam. Ozzy Osbourne had just released “Blizzard of Oz” and introduced the world to a guitar prodigy named Randy Rhodes and Black Sabbath hired ex-Rainbow front man Ronnie James Dio. My first exposure to real hard rock was with the Dio fronted Sabbath and the album “Heaven and Hell.” I never knew music could do the things it did with Dio.

“Heaven and Hell” was not the general hard rock album I was used to. I was a Kiss fan and figured music had to be about sex whatever that was. I was only nine. “H&H” told me tales of knights and witches and magical lands. It was amazing. I was hooked and “borrowed” by brother’s H&H album often until he made me a copy which I wore out quickly. I never listened to Kiss again.

“The Mob Rules” was the second and sadly last studio album Dio and Sabbath released together. It is also the first album I ever bought with my own money as a kid. It was birthday money, but so what. I still get chills when I hear this album remembering every detail of the Specs I bought it in. I remember that huge clear plastic glass with the Swiss cheese holes that you grabbed your cassette and dropped it on a conveyor belt. I remember the rows and rows of albums. Honest to G-d real live vinyl albums.

Tangent, sorry about that, but it did take me longer than usual to lose track so I am getting better.

The happy joyous news is that the Black Sabbath of my youth is reforming under a new name for an album and tour! Yes, Tony Iommi, Geezer Butler, Bill Ward, and Ronnie James Dio are getting together for a new project named “Heaven and Hell” conveniently. I will get a chance to see them live. I will pay any amount. This is beyond a fantasy for me. I hope I am not dreaming. I mean I was too young to even think about concerts when they were around and they broke up before I had a chance.

I could see Dio yes, but I never got into his solo work because it always seemed lacking to me. The same with Sabbath. I love Ozzy Sabbath, but Dio Sabbath is Black Sabbath to me and the other is Black Sabbath with Ozzy Osbourne. I never ever ever thought I had the chance to see them.

Dreaming of Reality or the Reality of a Dream

I was walking in the woods near my house. I remember it perfectly. I can see the trees and the moon and the clouds forming in the distance. They are huge trees extending up as far as my four year old eyes could see. Each a perfect copy of its neighbor and all standing in perfect rows. There were lots of woods around my house in the early 70’s and I remember it all so clearly.

I remember walking home in these woods. I remember that it appeared as though I was not making any progress because of the similar appearance of each massive tree. Thunder began to erupt overhead as the forming clouds had come together and began their race with me home. They were winning.

I ran as hard and fast as my four year old legs could carry me. The trees rapidly became a huge brown blur in my peripheral vision. I only saw a tunnel of blurred trees leading directly to the back yard of my house. Overhead the storm exploded with rain, wind, lightning, thunder, and laughter.

I was looking at myself as a bolt of lightning stuck me on the top of my head. I saw it and the image is burned into my brain. I stood in the middle of the woods and stepped outside my body as I was struck with a bolt of lightning. I watched it happen and then returned only to wake up the next morning in my bed.

This story is a real dream I had as a child. The reason I am writing it is because I do still remember it as clearly as real events I had happen to me. It causes me to wonder about memory. I mean the woods are as real to me as the townhouse I grew up in or my day at work. They all only exist in my head right now. I know other people can confirm actions from work today, but what about those moments when I am alone? What besides my own memory can confirm those?

Remember that reality is only a moment long; everything else is memory or anticipation.

Spinning on the Axis

By Kanrei

Condi Rice has issues with reality. It may seem like I am picking on Condi Rice because I am picking on Condi Rice. It is not my fault, but she keeps saying really stupid and easily shown deceptions. She does try really hard to adjust current reality to meet with her preconceived notions of what is real, but the two are so far apart that the gap is Grand Canyon in its girth.

CONTINUED IN LEMMING POLITICS

Trying to Update and Failing

Today’s question is this: what does a political blogger do when the news is redundant? I have so far gone the not updating route in anticipation of some breaking news story to explode on the news scene, but so far there has been no luck. Instead the best I have is Bush claiming to never have said “stay the course” in Iraq which is such an obvious lie that there is no point in even dissecting it.

In summary I got nothing but a decrepitly slow work computer that is printing the letters I type at the same speed a learning disabled child would print at. I cannot even type right now because this is annoying the hell out of me. I am typing sentences, getting up to use the bathroom and returning to see the last few letters appear on my screen. I tried to update, but will have to try harder when I get home. I am preparing a story on Jack Thompson for later, so be on the lookout for that.

Where is that damn cliff already? Not for me so much as for tossing this POS PC off.

Strange Things are Afoot

I rarely blog on Saturdays as many of you know. I try to take one day off and just rest and Saturday seems like as good a day as any. Could be the Jewish thing behind my choice of day, I cannot really say to be honest. I know if I can I avoid touching my car or spending money, but I do not rest on this Sabbath. Instead, I tend to do laundry and watch television and reconnect with my kitties who feel neglected during the week. Today I feel I need to break this Sabbath because of some email I have gotten. That is right, it is time for “Q&A with a Lemming: Part II”.

“Why did you ban me from your site?”

I have not banned anyone from my site. I do not know how to do that even if I wanted to. Do you really think I would have put up with the resident troll for so long if I could have just banned it?

The problem is, and this is total guesswork on my part, that Blogger.com is currently undergoing some change between the old version that most people use and the beta version that I have been part of the test for. I am also having problems with most of the sites I go to. I have no idea the current status of Haggis for example right now because Parenthetically Speaking will not open for me.

I hope they fix this soon.

“Did you really return to PWZ?”

Yes and no: that is a complicated question with an even more complicated answer. I like talking with many of the people there, but there was an element there that had a deep rooted disdain for me and almost everyone else. It seems the internet is ripe with this type of individual, but I left PWZ because of the true evil this person exhibited in the name of his concept of good. The road to hell and all I suppose.

Anyway, I received some emails telling me he was gone from that site, so I decided to try it last night and see. I have not rejoined per say because one blog is hard enough to maintain, but I do intend to go there and have re-added them to my link list.

“Who really killed Laura Palmer and what happened to him?”

You are really asking hard questions tonight. The short answer is Bob, but the finger prints will belong to her father because Bob was in possession of his body. To Laura it was certainly and clearly Bob doing the killing, but to you and me it would appear like Leland was doing it. Oh, Leland was her father.

At the end of the series Bob had left Leland and returned to the Black Lodge. It was in this lodge that Bob was able to trap Agent Cooper and leave in his body. After the show ends, Agent Cooper AKA Bob marries Heather Graham’s character, Annie I believe, and then kills her on their 30th anniversary.

“What about that stupid blog war?”

As it was is how it is: I am not a part of it. I never wanted to be a blog warrior. I did partake in it for a small period of time in July and regret things I said. I aligned myself with the wrong person and I know full trust will never be restored in me again for some people.

“Do you realize you are insane?”

Of course I do. I have told myself as much many times, but I never listen. It is a consequence of blogging I believe. I have grown accustomed to basically making speeches to an invisible audience. Sometimes they even ask questions which confirms their existence just beyond that fourth wall. I know never to look directly into the camera as to not ruin the illusion, but it is hard to ignore that red light atop it. At least the audience stopped laughing years ago, though since this is a comedy show that may be a bad thing…

I think this would be the best place to end tonight’s press conference. I actually think it should have ended a question ago, but too late for that. I will just edit the DVD when it comes out. You know, pull a George Lucas and alter the plot then deny this post’s existence.

May the Schwartz be with youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Working Friday? Damn!

Another Friday and another pay period comes to an end. We get paid every two weeks which is both a curse and a blessing. The blessing is huge checks every two weeks and the curse only getting paid every two weeks. Managing your money to last 14 days is beyond difficult- it’s impossible. I also feel for our techs around this time. We have some who did not work at all last week and I am afraid it looks like they will not be working again this weekend. It is not a reflection on them as employees, but rather a nasty side-effect of our being so good at research.

Every research project we do has specific requirements not only for those patients we enroll, but for those who will be working on the projects as well. Some require a minimum period of employment with our company be reached before they are approved to work on it while others require only full time employees. Every study also has specific protocols that must be understood and followed by each tech. Any tech that missed a meeting cannot do that research. What this breaks down to is that I have a small group of techs getting massive over time and others getting nothing.

I am also positive they think this is being done by me with a smile and a giggle. I know this because I used to think the same thing when my hours were cut years ago. To any of my techs who have stumbled upon this blog, I guarantee you that I do all I can to schedule you as much as possible.

That is todays “It’s Friday” as I return to my numerous phone calls to make sure those who I need are coming in. I still have five “left messages” left on my list. If you are one of those techs….CALL ME! =D

Our Freedom is Under Attack...

By Kanrei

They say that we are under attack because the enemy hates our freedoms. In response to this threat they limit our freedoms to protect them. They say the enemy wants to change our way of life, but I only see those we trust to protect us changing it. They say we are fighting them over there so we don’t have to here, yet it is here we are suspending habeas corpus, spying on civilians, and wiretapping in this country. What I find so interesting is that these solutions are the same ones they claimed to need to fight drugs.

There has been a steady erosion of our basic rights over the last two decades. Do not think I am blaming any one President or party for this. It is a joint venture to say the least. It has been a steady path for the last two decades at least and it starts with the children as all changes must.

When I was in school they could not open my locker without me being there and knowing what they were looking for. I knew my rights. The war on drugs allowed them to open without telling me what they were looking for, but I still had to be there. It also allowed them to search my car if it was on campus. It was a minor intrusion on my rights, but they always are.

Education slowly started shifting around this time. Standardized testing became the “best” way to compare students’ progress across the country and find the weak spots. Since school funding was in the balance, schools began focusing on teaching the test over the standard curriculum. Social studies, arts, and P.E. fell to the sidelines and children slowly forgot how to think. They were also lacking the basic lessons of what makes America special: our rights.

April 20, 1999 two disgruntled kids enter Columbine High School and shoot 36 people, killing 12 of them. In response to this tragic event the school increased security and further took rights away. Random locker and backpack searches became the norm. No one thought of it as an intrusion on their rights because it was being done to protect the children. The children did not care because no one had taught them about their rights, so they did not know.

On Tuesday, September 11, 2001 the kids lost any chance of true freedom.

As these children grow up, they encounter a world without basic rights and they wonder why we are so upset. They were raised in a world of random locker searches, random drunk driving check points, and urine tests to prove you are not on drugs, metal detectors, and cameras. They are being raised in a world where you are guilty until proven innocent. An accusation is all it takes today.

It is well known that the best way to effect change is slowly over years. If you get the children then it does not matter what the adults think. Right now we have a generation of children who have never seen America and I fear what country this will be as they assume control. They are being raised to think of the Bill of Rights as optional, conditional, or irrelevant. Tell me I am wrong please.

A Touch of Grey

By Kanrei

It was sitting on the tip of my chinny chin-chin this morning or should I say mourning. It looked like a piece of lint or a stray string from my shirt sitting there entangled in my goatee. I had to strain to see it in a mirror and, once I did, I noticed it had friends and was tragically not a piece of lint or a stray string from my shirt.

I see you've got your list out
Say your piece and get out
Yes I get the gist of it
but it's all right

I should just say it I suppose. I need to admit it to myself already so I can start accepting it. They say this is the hardest part, but how do they really know when we never know who exactly “they” are. Maybe “they” are a group of babbling idiots just string words together devoid of any real meaning or context. Just because “they” say it does not make it so…

I am procrastinating. I just need to type the words and be done with it. I have grey hairs in my goatee. There are currently five or six of the little bastards just beaming out in the midst of a sea of dark brown. I knew old age was slowly overtaking me for a few years now, but this was the first sign that I could actually see. Is this how it starts?

Sorry that you feel that way
The only thing there is to say
Every silver lining's got a
Touch of grey

My hair began quitting their posts a few years ago. I am not bald or even close to it, but there is a very nice start to a friar’s patch on the top of my head. A Yamika would cover it nicely if my vanity ever drives me to Orthodoxy I am set. Luckily I never have to see the landing pad so it does not bother me too often. Only in pictures from behind actually and I stopped mooning tourists a few days ago.

These chin insurgents are not the first of their kind to appear either. The lady who cuts my hair is kind enough to update me on each and every new one she finds as she clips and shortens. I always smile and tell her that each grey one has decided to stick around a few more years. It was the dark ones that had not decided what they wanted that I did not trust. Until today grey hair was my friend, now it is a street sign on the road to senility.

It's a lesson to me
The Ables and the Bakers and the C's
The ABC's we all must face
And try to keep a little grace

My goatee was off limits to them and I really thought we had an understanding about that. The goatee is a symbol of my youth. It is something I have had off and on since I could grow it. Well, since I could grow one and moved out of my parent’s house. My mom thought I looked “evil” with it and my long hair.

Regardless, I had an understanding that the hairs on my head could turn grey or fall out or do whatever they chose. Since I had long hair literally my entire life until I turned 28 I felt I had abused it enough. I cut it and had a full head of short hair for a few years knowing my time was short with it. I understood if it wanted to quit, but the goatee was something different. The goatee was mine.

The damn grey hairs are even in the “soul patch” area of the goatee so it’s not like I can just trim it and keep some facial hair. No, I got to shave it all off or let my old flag fly.

Oh well a Touch Of Grey
Kind of suits you anyway.
That was all I had to say
It's all right.

I told myself long ago that I would grow old with grace and dignity. This is my body calling me on that promise and I must keep it. I have my health and I have my mind so screw the hair. I had 28 good years of long dark hair so if it wants to fall out- so be it! If it wants to go grey- so be it! As the song says:

I will get by / I will get by
I will get by / I will survive

Lyrics from "Touch of Grey"
lyrics by Robert Hunter
music by Jerry Garcia

Vampire Hunting is Tax Exempt?

By Kanrei

If you think your day is going badly just remember it can always be worse. I woke up today suffering from a bad day so it is safe to assume you are suffering as well. Bad days seem to be a universal phenomenon and you suffer from it until you find someone suffering worse than you. My bad day is over I suppose and as you read this so is yours. Wesley Snipes is having a much worse day.

CONTINUED IN POP CULTURE FOR ARMAGEDDON

Celluloid Illusions of War

By Kanrei

Clint Eastwood is a Republican. He is the Republican ex-mayor of Carmel California and has never been one to be known as a hippie or a peace activist. It is basically assumed that Eastwood is one of the more pro-war people of the Hollywood sect, but that is apparently a very wrong thing to assume. It is also basically assumed that his new movie Flag of Our Fathers is a pro-war tale of bravery and heroism. That is how the ads make it look anyway.

Flag of Our Fathers tells the story of the picture from Iwo Jima of the six soldiers raising the flag after a 35 day battle. Three of those in the picture died in the battle and the other three were brought home to perform publicity tours while the fighting at Iwo Jima continued. It is a photo used to inspire pride in the American fighting forces and a very powerful image.

One cannot help but feel pride in seeing these battle weary soldiers straining to raise the flag as a symbol to all the others fighting that progress is being made. I can imagine the adrenaline rush those on the ground looking up must have felt seeing Old Glory in the midst of the carnage. It would seem a similar image is needed in today’s growing discontent with the wars in the Middle East, but do not look to Eastwood’s new film to provide the 21st century Iwo Jima moment because that is not what his new film is about.

I have not seen the movie yet, but am only going on interviews with Clint Eastwood and reports on the movie for this point of view. He sees comparisons between Jessica Lynch and Pat Tillman with the soldiers at Iwo Jima and how they were used. He tells Newsweek that "That poor girl. She was just a teenager. The military and their publicity people decided she had to be Wonder Woman, gunning down tons of people with her machine gun, when she didn't fire a shot. They desperately wanted her to be that."

He tells Newsweek that he does not support blindly using war to spread democracy either. "I'm not one of those idealistic people who think democracy has to be for everyone…That's naive on our part. I don't know if they want democracy." This is not the pro-war movie everyone seems to think it is because the director does not seem to be very pro this war.

And I thought about that movie, asked if it was that way
He just shook his head and smiled at me in such a loving way
As he thought about some friends he will never see again
He said "I never saw John Wayne on the sands of Iwo Jima"

-Sands of Iwo Jima by the Drive-By Truckers

The soldiers whose lives he follows in his movie, John Bradley, Rene Gagnon, and Ira Hayes, had to live with the fiction created about them for the rest of their lives, long after the country forgot their names and the government forgot their deeds.  They are heroes for certain, but they never wanted to be the face of the war.  This movie reminds us that the images last longer than the truths and the images are only illusion. When we think of Iwo Jima we think of the flag being raised and not the 30,000 people who died there.

Jessica Lynch and Pat Tillman and everyone else fighting is doing their jobs and trying to survive. We discard them when they appear to do bad (Abu Ghraib) and we promote them when they help sell the war regardless of the realities. It is ironic that a movie is reminding us of the difference between reality and what we see on the screen. I think Clint Eastwood wants to remind us that the soldiers are not public relations tools to be used to sell a war regardless of how just the war may be.

The Button: conclusion

I did not expect anyone to really care what the button did. I hope this is satisfactory. It was my original intent, but I felt it was cheesy. Please be honest.

TO THE CONCLUSION

Lemming House of Horror Fest '06

By Kanrei

I have given myself a horrorific weekend. Notice I did not say “horrific”, so there is no need for pity or sympathy. It has been a very fun horror infused weekend thus the term “horrorific” for “horror-filled terrific”. What can I say, I love horror movies and there is no better month for them than October.

This weekend I treated myself to some of the best and worst horror has to offer and I plan to continue this trend every weekend until the big night. That night is reserved for Christian television. I love watching their specials on the evils of horror movies and heavy metal music. Dwight Thompson is my personal favorite, but that is for another weekend. This weekend was for horror movies. I watched House of 1000 Corpses, Devil’s Rejects, Crawlspace, a Starz Slasher film documentary, Return of the Living Dead part II, and as much as I could stand of something called Session 9. I want the minutes of my life back for Session 9 and Crawlspace.

Crawlspace had a decent chance of being creepy. It starred Klaus Kinski who is pretty much freaky in every role he plays. In this movie he was the son of a Nazi war criminal who grew up in Argentina. He attended medical school and became a very good doctor, but found he had more fun killing his patients. If this was the plot of the movie instead of the character’s back story it might have been good. Instead the movie followed the misadventures of this doctor as he lives in America and runs an apartment complex that he only rents to women. His hobby now is crawling through the air ducts, watching the women eat and talk, and killing their male friends and visitors.

For some reason the movie never lets us in on he snaps towards the end and kills all the women in his complex but one. He instead leaves the other bodies about for her to run into as she runs from room to room. The girls’ deaths are never shown on camera nor are their purpose ever explained. The “final girl” shoots him with his Russian roulette gun on the sixth try and he dies. The end.

Session 9 is even worse if you can believe that is possible. It involves some old insane asylum where some weird studies of weird people were performed in the past. It is now being remodeled and a crew is brought in to remove the asbestos from the building. One of the crew finds some hidden tapes recorded during sessions with some weird person from the building’s weird past. As he gets closer and closer to playing the tape for session 9 weird things start happening around the asylum I think. The movie is never too clear on what exactly is supposed to be happening at any given time. I admit to not seeing more than 45 minutes of it, but after that much time I should have at least a clue of some description.

The rest were great and fun movies. The Rob Zombie double feature of House of 1000 Corpses and Devil’s Rejects remember the days when horror movies were fun as well as scary. The victims usually designed their own horrible fates and the killers existed in a world just outside reality. It was fun to see because the characters always seemed to know they were only characters in a movie. Bill Moseley plays the character of Otis Driftwood in that vein.

Otis is the quintessential larger than the screen character. He takes such delight in the evils he performs and has such wonderful dialogue as he does it that he must imagine an audience watching him. He is a sadistic and vicious serial killer who would kill someone just to watch their day change, but he has such fun doing it that you cannot help but feel some of his joy. There are times in Devil’s Rejects that you actually are rooting for him and want him to survive the film. You actually hate the sheriff chasing them more than the killers.

It is a credit to Rob Zombie as much as Bill Moseley. The camera rarely shows you Otis doing his nastiest work except for brief split seconds of close up gore. He seems to prefer the over the shoulder shot instead using the character to block the camera’s view of the more disgusting parts. This helps keep some sympathy for Otis because you never really see how bad he really is, but you always hear how funny his dialogue is.

The only major problem with Devil’s Rejects over House of 1000 Corpses is that Rob Zombie messed up on the victim stereotypes in the sequel. House gave us four kids who all but begged to meet the fate. There are numerous times in the movie that the kids are given outs and never take them. They are warned from the very beginning not to go where they end up going and dying. I never felt bad for the victims once in House.

This was not the case in Devil’s Rejects. In that movie Rob Zombie gave us a very nice and sweet country band. The only one who sets up his own demise is the lead singer because he hits on Baby Firefly (another member of the Reject’s gang) while his wife is in the motel room. None of the others commit any vital horror movie sins.

I suppose the second half of the movie validates the innocence of the first half's victims. It is in the second act that Otis, Baby, and their clown-faced father Captain Spalding get theirs at the hands of a bible quoting sheriff. A character who turns out to be just as bad as those he hunted. You actually feel sorry for what he puts the Rejects through.

Even though he is avenging his brother’s death, you never feel anything for him. I don’t know why that is. I think William Forsythe was determined to make his character the villain in a movie filled with psychos. He succeeds and creates the tension of the movie beautifully. In a genre where you pull for the cops to stop the killers in this one you are never sure which one should win.

Return of the Living Dead Part Two is a classic to me. It came out when I was in high school. It is one of the greatest satires of the zombie movie ever made. The zombies fall over each other, into empty graves, and cough up dirt as they emerge from their graves. The main characters are the dumbest people to possibly have to face the zombie horde and the music lies between really bad 80’s hair metal and synth. I think it was the best movie of the Lemming Horror Fest.

Next weekend I have an entire undead theme ready to go. You should join along if you are brave enough. The schedule will be Evil Dead 2, Army of Darkness, Blair Witch on Saturday. Then Shawn of the Dead, Dawn of the Dead, and Exorcist on Sunday. I love halloween.

The Button

This has nothing to do with the "Charlie Saga". It is just something felt like playing around with. Enjoy.

TO THE STORY

The Drugs on War

By Kanrei

The Taliban finds a new weapon in the war against the war on terror: Marijuana plants. Ten foot marijuana plants to be exact and it is thus far a very effective defense against the Canadian troops fighting them.

According to the chief of the Canadian defense staff, General Rick Hillier, the Taliban are currently using a gigantic forest of massive pot plants for cover. It seems the dense foliage makes it very hard to see where they are hiding and marijuana apparently also absorbs energy and heat. This makes the thermal sensors pretty much useless as well.

The Taliban are even using the plants as camouflage for their armored cars. Someone should alert High Times to this new use for Pot. They could include it in their “This Plant Can Save the World” issue.

Now, when faced with a large field of cannabis what would your first thought be? Mine would be looking for the first person with a flame thrower and surround the field with various chocolates and other munchies and just smoke them out. If I got a buzz going as well- bonus! I think it would be a day of massive surrender and not a single casualty. I even think both sides would sit down and watch some “Ren and Stimpy” together laughing about the situation they find themselves in.

It seems the Canadian military had a similar idea although without the fun included. They decided to try to burn this obstacle down. They tried using white phosphorous to burn down the forest to no effect. They tried using diesel and fire to no effect. The forest was saturated with water and resisted the flames. I do so hate wet pot.

Some troops were able to find some brown plants around the edges of the forest and did set them ablaze. Of course, they also happened to be standing downwind of the burning bushes and “had some ill effects” so they decided it was not a great idea actually. I am sure the soldiers felt it was brilliant.

We missed a rare opportunity there. I really think my plan would have worked. Imagine the Taliban and the Army sitting and sharing a bowl together in peace and harmony. As long as the Twinkies didn’t run out there would be no fighting. They would have a massive PS2 Tekken fight to decide the winner. Or maybe Halo 2 would be more apropos to the situation. Either way I think there is something here we should explore more.

When I lived in Boulder, Colorado I went to hear Ken Kesey read from one of his books. It was one of those magic moments that I will never forget. The place was so crowded I was forced to watch him on a monitor outside, but there was still a vibe there and it was special. I mean he is a legend.

Anyway, after he finished reading he took questions from those lucky enough to have gotten inside. Most were typical fan questions or questions about people he met during his amazing life. He answered them all politely, but none of those questions stood out to me until…

“What would your solution to the Bosnian problem be Mr. Kesey?”

“Well,” he said, “I would get two B-1 Stealth Bombers and fly them over there. I would load each of them up with 500 gallon drums filled with liquid LSD and spray the entire country. I would spray every town, village, field, and city and just let them work it out. You cannot fire a gun on that much acid. You can barely talk so the war would be over within 45 minutes. Just let them work it out.”

The crowd laughed and applauded. It made perfect sense to me. The story of the Canadians taking the war on drugs today a little too literally made me think of Ken Kesey and that answer today.

Wouldn’t it be great if this happened at 4:20 local time?

Paraskevidekatriaphobia Anyone? (A Very Special "It's Friday")

This is funny to me. Friday the 13th is a day that causes fear and stress in even the most rational of people. Friday is a day that causes fear and stress in me most weeks. Today is Friday the 13th and I am having a very good day.

I am currently sitting at my desk eating Chick-fil-a (my personal favorite of the fast foods) and listening to the Police while typing this. All my techs are confirmed and 99% of my work is done for the day. There is always that surprise 1% I don’t know about which is why I did not say I am done with everything today, but as of right now I am workless for the moment while still on the clock. Does it get any better than this?

If my boss is reading this I am actually swamped right now and that is why I cannot answer your calls. I am drowning right now and I will call you as soon as I get a moment to myself. In the meantime we sing:

My friend Jason has an axe
Blood and gore and guts
He puts it into people’s backs
Blood and gore and guts
With a “chop-chop” here
And a “chop-chop” there
Here a “chop”
There a “chop”
Everywhere a “chop-chop”
My friend Jason has an axe
Blood and gore and guts


My friend Jason has a knife
Blood and gore and guts
He used that thing all his life
Blood and gore and guts
With a “stab-stab” here
And a “jab-jab” there
Here a “stab”
There a “jab”
Everywhere a “stab-jab”
My friend Jason has a knife
Blood and gore and guts


My friend Jason has a machete
Blood and gore and guts
He likes to turn people into confetti
Blood and gore and guts
With a “slice dice” here
And a “slice dice” there
Here a “slice”
There a “dice”
My friend Jason has a machete
Blood and gore and guts

Happy Friday the 13th all you paraskevidekatriaphobics out there.

The Nerds Stole the Lemming

Hi fellow lemmings,
I am trapped in a movie right now and cannot update yet. "Revenge of the Nerds" is one of those movies I cannot help but watch everytime it comes on. I just love this movie and FMC is showing it as we speak. WE have come to a lull between gags approaching the famous Pi panty raid scene so I wanted to say hello to everyone and explain my absence. Be back soon. I hear the raid starting.

Q&A with a Lemming

“So where exactly is the friggin’ ‘Lemmingline’ anyway?”

I am so glad you asked. It shows you are paying attention. I like that. You might get a cookie even.

Anyway the chat box is gone for the moment. I noticed a lag when I opened my site at work. As I have said before, I use IE at work and Firefox at home. IE does not seem to like some HTML Java scripts which are what the chat box used. As a result it would take forever to load and sometimes would freeze halfway. I thought it was my work connection until I got a complaint yesterday that my site was all screwy and when your mom complains you fix it.

"What happened to that troll?"

I kind of feel a little bad for our poor anon troll. He really misses the clear path to annoyance. He never used the chat box anyway, but still. His new approach is to tell me how horrible this blog is and how much of a Jew I am. I wonder if this blog is so bad why he comes here everyday, twice a day on average for the last four months.

If it is to tell me I am a Jew, I already know. I got the idea when I was circumcised and it was confirmed on the day of my Bar Mitzvah. I think I know without your daily reminders. Besides, that “go back to Israel” crack was ridiculous. I was only there for two weeks in 1984. I do not have anywhere to stay when I get there. I prefer here. My stuff is here.

If it is to tell me this blog sucks then why is he my most frequent visitor? He comes here more than I do and this is my homepage at the office. I avoid things that I really hate personally. There are things I watch and say suck because I am ashamed to like them, but I never waste time on the truly awful. The movie Point Break sucks and I just finished watching every horrid minute of it. The movie The English Patient sucks and I have not wasted more than 10 minutes of my life on it. See how that works Anon?

"And this moderation thing?"

I rather like the moderation thing to be honest. It forces me to check my email more often which is a habit I could never pick up before. I would go days sometimes without checking. My record is three months.

"Anything to say to anon?"

I understand you are used to community blogs and you are feeling shut out of this one right now, but this is not a community blog. This is a personal blog that is open to any friendly person who wishes to come by. I am grateful for every single person who comes here whether they leave a comment or not.

I love comments, don’t get me wrong, but I will not allow the abusive kind you post. You call me “jewboy” in every post so why would I want that? You post using people’s real name which is just freaky to be honest. Why would I want that?

Try posting something that contributes and you will find it gets posted, otherwise it will not make it past my inbox. I welcome all anonymous posts otherwise I would have not allowed them at all. I will just not allow hostile content on my page.

It is not personal anon. Follow the few rules I have asked and your posts will be read here.

Is There a Third Option?

By Kanrei

I can see from the fact that the Foley scandal is still news that it is time for a little bit of non-partisan logic to be interjected in the debate. I had hoped that some alert media personality would point out the missing obvious logic, but thus far they have not surfaced. Maybe covering the “he said, she said” aspect is easier than actually doing any real reporting. I can’t say for sure, but the media does seem to be enjoying the game.

I have spent the last few weeks watching the Republicans accuse the Democrats and the Democrats accusing the Republicans over who knew what when. They are pointing fingers back and forth to obfuscate their own part in the scandal and the media is busy trying to take a side instead of saying “you both screwed up royally on this one and you know it.”

The first question is “did the G.O.P. know about Foley’s desire to talk dirty to pages?” The answer is a big and certain YES. Hastert himself has admitted to talking to Foley about emails he received complaints about in 2003. He admits to asking Foley if they were sexual in nature. Why would you ask that unless you suspected or even knew? If you suspected why would you take the person’s word they were not. Did he actually expect Foley to admit to sending sexual emails?

The truth is that Hastert knew about this and made the decision to try and keep it quiet until after the elections. Hastert wanted to handle the scandal quietly and leave open plenty of room to deny knowledge, but he acted in 2003 so he cannot deny knowing Foley was suspected to be doing this. That only leaves his choice to not investigate it and keep a pervert in Congress over losing the seat to the Democrats.

The second question is “did the D.N.C. know about Foley’s desire to talk dirty to pages?” The answer again is a big and certain YES. It almost seems like common knowledge around D.C. that Foley was doing this and it seems that the pages were complaining to anyone who would listen from either party. There is zero chance of the Democrats not at least hearing rumors.

The truth is that the Democrats knew about this problem but were waiting for the most politically beneficial time to release this. They were counting on the strong right-leaning evangelicals being so upset over a gay Republican soliciting young boys that they would sit home on November 7th. They feared the media learning about this with enough time for the Republicans to perform damage control and get Foley off the ballot.

The sad and pathetic truth is that both the Republicans and the Democrats placed a seat in Congress above the welfare of the children entrusted to work with them. Each side is now trying to show that the other side committed more heinous acts for political gain instead of admitting their guilt.

It is like a child who wonders why he is getting introuble when the neighborhood kid did the same thing. I was raised that my guilt has nothing to do with another’s and I am so sad that the leadership of this country seems to think keeping up the Joneses justifies bad actions.

The time for a third party is now and it has never been more right. We obviously cannot trust either party with our security, our welfare, our money, our education, or our children. The system is broken and they broke it. Why are we going to hire the same two stooges to fix the problems they still cannot see they created?

Harris Graps at Straws

By Kanrei

When I first heard Katherine “Wicked Witch” Harris was planning to run for Senate in Florida I was giddy with excitement. I did not think she could get the nomination, but I really hoped she would. I had dreams of the train wreck that was to come if she won and she did and it has exceeded my expectations.

Harris has been involved in more scandals than the entire G.O.P. this election season and it has been a joyous thing to watch. She has lost campaign managers, been linked to dirty campaign contributions, has expressed a complete lack of historical knowledge, and basically said every wrong thing that a candidate could say. So far I have yet to see a single Bill Nelson campaign ad and I do not blame him. She is wrecking her own campaign.

It now appears that she is going to win in November if a recent poll is to be believed. According to her website she won a recent straw poll beating Nelson 54% to 45%. The site claims she is “engendering tremendous grassroots support” in Florida. The poll was conducted at the Lakeland Bi-Annual Politics in the Park held last Thursday.

In accepting the results a gracious Katherine Harris said “I appreciate the strong support of a majority of voters who are disillusioned with Bill Nelson’s lack of leadership and his record of voting against Florida’s best interests.” The only problem with this entire story is that the poll itself is a fraud.

Bill Rufty of The Ledger confirms an immediate suspicion I had about this poll. He reports that the only people to vote in the poll had to pay $25 to do so. He further states that the straw poll at the Politics in the Park is known to be a situation “where both sides have been known to buy extra tickets for family, friends and co-workers.”

This is not an offense of any sort because the straw poll is not a serious poll. The sponsors and participants know it is just for fun. Well, everyone but Katherine Harris who sent the results out in a state wide press release. More recent polls show Nelson beating Harris 53% to 35% or so.

This is just plain embarrassing for the Harris camp to be honest. It is almost as bad as falling for a story from the Onion. She comes ahead by only ten points in a fixed race and is predicted to lose by fifteen. To top it off, it was a poll done on not only those attended the Politics in the Park, but also paid the money. We are talking about a sample pool of below zero.

I am so happy Katherine Harris is in the race this year. There is really not much on television to watch and her campaign is giving me some ideas for a sitcom next season. I have said too much about it. Just watch for the “Harris Follies” on Fox because they buy anything.

Don Jong Il's Request

By Kanrei

There are many reasons to not want North Korea to join the nuclear family. One reason could be their preoccupation with fighting the South Koreans. A reason could be the fact that the country is run by a delusional egomaniacal midget with a Napoleon complex. The reason I choose to not like the news of their recent successful test is that they are not mature enough to play with the big boys yet.

CONTINUED IN LEMMING POLITICS

An Open letter to Kim Jong-Il from Kanrei

Dear Kim Jong-Il,

I would love to play you in a game of Chess because you obviously go for instant gratification over longevity. You do not seem like the type who thinks three moves ahead. You do not seem like the type to expect your enemy to do anything other than cave in. You seem like the concept of defeat is beneath you. Your people may believe these things and let you rule them, but the world does not and will not.

I want you to know you have done a bad thing. The world is unstable enough without you adding to it in this way. Everyone knows you do not need nuclear weapons for defensive purposes and everyone knows you would never use them even if you did. We all know that neither Russia nor China would sit by and let you launch when they know that any response will affect them as well.

We all know you are in need of money and that you are close to collapse due to your lack of funds. This makes us believe you are doing this test as more of a “Grand Opening” sign to the terrorists that you are now ready to sell them nukes. They would pay large sums of money for these items and I believe that is your intent. You are gambling with the security of the world and not thinking.

While the entire world correctly condemns your actions, I selfishly do not. I actually want to thank you for what you have done. It has already performed more positive than I thought possible. It took Mark Foley off of the news and I thought nothing was capable of doing that.

So far since the Mark Foley scandal broke we have had Condi Rice lying. We have record deaths in Iraq so far this month. We have Afghanistan sliding back into their love affair with the Taliban. We have an election in a month with more than half the Congress up for re-election, yet all we can talk about is a frisky reprehensible Representative and his penchant for dirty talking. We have tried to get the media to cover news over gossip, but the country loves a good sex scandal and would not let this one go until you and I thank you.

By your testing of a nuclear devise the debate has shifted back to its proper place. We are once again discussing terrorism, global security, war, and how to keep peace. We are looking to working with China and Russia and the U.N. to deal with you and not threatening pre-emptive war. We are remembering we are part of the world and not leading it. I did not think we were capable of that anymore and it is all due to your megalomaniacal ambition. Well done sir.

I look forward to your being overthrown by the collective world governments as they recognize the insanity of your reign. I realize the positive after effect was not part of your plan, but I seriously doubt you had one to begin with. Like I said, I would love to play you in Chess. I would even let you take my Queen early so you think you had a chance.

Sincerely
Kanrei

Never Judge a Band By its Members

By Kanrei


Ever have your taste in music kick your ass? Me either until tonight.

As a member of Emusic I get to find bands I would never have a chance to be exposed to otherwise. It is one of the many music clubs that are online today, but they are legal and specialize in independent labels and bands. They give exposure to the bands the radio forgets about.

What I do at Emusic is find a band I like and search the "similar acts" list they provide. This takes me usually to bands that suck, but the similar acts listed on those band’s pages usually take me to interesting things. Tonight I found a band named Wicked Wisdom and my ass is officially kicked. The more I looked into the band, the more stereotypes have continued to kick me.

Wicked Wisdom was the opening act from Britney Spears’ 2004 tour, but do not hold that against them. After hearing them, I would have loved to been at the show and seen the pre-teen Britney fans deal with this band. Wicked Wisdom is in essence a very aggressive and angry speed-metal band in the vein of Slipknot. Opening for Britney is kind of like having Jackie Mason on tour with Hitler.

With a former member of Fishbone in the line up it is easy to assume the quality of music being played, but their choice for a lead singer made me really doubt this quality before ever hearing them. After hearing them the singer’s identity only adds to the overall power of the band and I am ashamed for falling into the judgemental trap. I am certainly a Jada Koren fan now.

For those who may not know, Jada Koren is better known as Jada Pinkett-Smith, wife of Will Smith. I am guilty of stereotyping, but I assumed she would be more of a "R and B" person married to Will “Fresh Prince” Smith, but it appears she is quite the opposite end of spectrum. Not only that, but she is incredible at it.

They list bands such as Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden as influences as well as recent bands like Sevendust and Slipknot. If any of those bands are in your MP3 player then this is a band you must certainly get. Do not let the average at best writing here stop you. I am still suffering from writer's block.



Go now, right after you get Mike Patton of course.

Aaarrrggggghhhh!

It is here. I knew it would come eventually, but I did not know exactly when. It has been with me all weekend and laughing at me. It taunts me with fleeting moments of inspiration too short to act upon. Writer’s Block is its name and I really am tired of its company.

I have not updated all weekend and I realize that. I am sorry, very sorry for that, but it is not due to a lack of trying. I even got a full page done last night before I realized it was babbling pointless crap. WB is kicking my ass this weekend and it is really painful.

How do you beat this demon? Is there a trick to it or is it more like a storm that you just must ride out. If it is a like a storm then that means it will end soon, right?

I could write yet another story about Mark Foley. It doesn’t take any real talent or thought to write on that one again, but I am bored of the subject and have already written more than I wanted to on it. It is just that it writes itself. It is perfect for my sarcastic writing style. I am so stuck.

I think I am going to search for my muse. She is out there somewhere and I think only she can beat the WB. Not the former network, the wall blocking my writing ability from flowing. The damn dam.

Never Heard of Her and Not Sure Why I Wrote About Her

This is a disturbing story of sorts and a comedically ironic one at that same time. I really am not sure which direction to take this story. I can highlight the sad and morally wrong aspect of it or I can point out the irony reality supplied. I suppose I will just tell the tale and we will find out the direction together.

I had never heard of Keisha Castle-Hughes before tonight. She was in some movie called “Whale Rider” and got nominated for an Oscar for best-actress in 2003, but that did not help me at all. She played the Queen of Naboo in the last Star Wars movie, but I blocked most of that out of my mind to salvage my sanity.

I must admit to having no clue who Keisha Castle-Hughes is, but it appears she is pregnant. Why does that warrant a Lemming Report? Simple, she is 16 years old. That would be the tragic and disturbing part of the story. The father of her child is her boyfriend of 3 years and it could be common practice in her native Australia, but I still find it disturbing for a 16 year old to be pregnant. Is it just me?

Now to show the dilemma I find myself in with this story. It appears that her next role will be as Mary in “The Nativity Story”. I wonder how the religious will react to Mary, mother of G-d being played by an unwed underage mother.

I imagine they were very excited about this movie prior to this announcement. They probably saw this as the family friendly “Passions of the Christ.” It is not common for a movie about Jesus’ sacrifice to give children nightmares so I imagine parents were slightly un-thrilled to say the least. I think this new movie was going to be more wholesome in its approach. No nasty birth close-ups or after birth tidal waves in a digital slow motion. . If Mel Gibson directed it we would have a C-section scene I bet.

So which way do I go with the story? Do I comment on the tragedy of a successful and rising star who gets pregnant entirely too young and risks ruining both her life and her baby’s? Or do I write about the irony of the person playing Mary actually getting pregnant? Or do I write about the probably upcoming protests that may result from this actress playing Mary? I am so confused.

Why does Florida not have any cliffs for a lemming in distress?

Lemming's Artist of the Week: Mike Patton

By Kanrei

The artist of the week this week has recreated himself more times than anyone can keep up with. Whether he is fronting an 80’s rap/metal band or creating techno madness or just plain shrieking into the microphone this artist has proven himself master of anything he tries. His name is Mike Patton and he is the vocalist from hell (in a good way)

CONTINUED IN POP CULTURE FOR ARMAGEDDON

Today on "It's Friday"

I know the question on all Lemming minds is “what happened to the Friday update today?” I know the ones that have paid attention are also wondering if it was a good day or a bad day since Fridays and I do not get along. Well, the questions to all that and more will be answered in today’s “It’s Friday” installment. Not more to be honest, but those will be answered I think….I hope.

As many of you know I work for a sleep disorders center here. In addition to regular sleep studies for sleep apnea and various other sleep disorders we also perform some drug studies and things like that. Before we get a new study, we must send them a sample of our machines so they know what we use and how well they work. To get this we must have a subject and I will give you three guesses who they pick to be the subject.

As the subject I do not take anything. It is not as ominous as I made it sound actually. What it means is that I get to sleep at work while hooked up as if I was an actual patient. I slept about 2 hours total today at work and got paid for it which just amuses me to no end. I would get fired from my old job if I fell asleep; here I get paid for it. What a country.

The two hour nap does not mean I got to forgo my usual Friday hell. No such luck for this lemming. I still had to schedule for the three days despite losing two hours of work time. The Friday was with me though. Maybe the full moon makes a friendlier Friday or something. I don’t really know and do not want to. I just am happy everything worked out and everyone is coming in.

We even have a full house all three nights so that means I needed 11 techs each night. I had more than I needed so I do not even have to give out too much overtime this weekend which always makes the bosses happy. I canceled three in fact which never happens. I have a good feeling about this weekend and since it is after 5 it can no longer hurt me.

Happy weekend to everyone with a life and I will see you later to everyone without one.

Excuses are Like...

By Kanrei

Excuse number three was revealed today and it’s a good one. I lost the pool, but that is fine with me really. I did not expect “Alien Abduction” to be used…yet. I was thinking more like “part of the war on terror” or something like that.

The first excuse used by Team Foley was that the poor reprehensible Representative was an alcoholic. There seems to be a lot of that going around these days. Maybe we should consider banning the stuff. It made Mel Gibson become a temporary anti-Semite and now has turned Mark Foley into a raging horn dog. All pot does is make you eat really weird things.

The second excuse was courtesy of Team Foley’s legal representation. David Roth, the lawyer claimed that Foley was abused by clergy while growing up and admitted that his client was gay. Clever move I think because now he can hide behind the banner of “why are you gay-bashing me?”


This would have been “much ado about nothing” until the spin and cover-ups. Who really cares about a gay Congressman who is flirting with 17 and 18 year old pages really? I wouldn't waste one letter on it to be honest, but a cover-up is so much fun.

Before excuse number three I must get something legal out of the way. **Must Credit the DRUDGE REPORT** He broke the story and should get full credit for its release.

Now for excuse number three from Team Foley and the one that cost me the pool: a teen prank gone awry. According to Matt Drudge, the page named [NOT HERE] has revealed it started as a prank that went too far. He claims that the page “goaded an unwitting Foley to type embarrassing comments that were then shared with a small group of young Hill politicos.”

The report does specify that only the IM’s between Foley and the page were a prank. While there is sympathy if he did resign over a prank, this does not mean that the others were pranks as well. It probably means that the page got the idea for the prank from stories of Foley’s behavior, but that is my guessing.

Now that we have alcoholism, priest abuse, and prank out of the way I think I am going to double my money this week on “Alien Abduction.” I am feeling lucky.

Lemming Caucus

I am asking for the advice of the Lemmings. This is an important matter in some universe I am sure. Maybe it is not important per say, but it is something that affects all of us. Maybe not all of us, but it affects me. Or is it effects me? I am pretty sure it is affects, but I am not positive. Either way it has an impact on us all. Why didn’t I just say impact to begin with? I am going to start over.

Anyone who has come here more than one has to have noticed our “Anonymous” troll. He is mostly harmless and even entertaining sometimes. He has been with us since about our second week and has been a loyal troll of sorts. He never reads anything here nor does he ever actually comment on the subject at hand, but he does come at least once every three days or so.

The troll seems to like changing his name every couple of posts. I assume this is to create the illusion of numbers, but either way it does change its name on regular intervals. This is what has created my problem and caused the locks on the door to suddenly be used. I do not like people trying to fool me or who try to hurt others.

The troll is fond of posting under the names of other lemmings, such as Rex or Lisa in an attempt to start a war between them on this site. This is why I have placed the moderation on comments up. No comment will be deleted unless it violates one simple lemming rule: do no harm. You break the rule and your post is Memorex plain and simple.

What I need to know from the lemming crowd is if the moderation policy bothers you at all. I do not want to lose people because I have had to try and outwit a troll. Please let me know.

Long Awaited Babble

Previously Charlie fell to the floor. He was with Adam up to that point. The memories were vague and short, but he thinks he has memories of the crime. He has spent the entire night tormented over the crime. He finally had accepted he had killed Michelle just in time to learn he didn’t. Charlie now hoped he was insane.

Continued

Dennis Hastert: Self-Foot Shooting Extraordinaire

By Kanrei

Speaker of the House Dennis "Jabba" Hastert gave an interview to Rush Limbaugh on his radio program yesterday. The transcript of the interview is readily available at his site, but I would never send anyone to that hell hole. I took the hit so you don’t have to and here is what I found.

CONTINUED IN LEMMING POLITICS

Lemming House X-Clusive! Mark Foley's Alien Connection

By Kanrei

Mark Foley today claimed that he had been abducted by homosexual aliens ten years ago. They took him deep into Uranus where they taught him the joy of dirty talking.

“Type dirty to me baby” Xezop said to him his first night there. “Use that space bar the way I like it.”

The full story as best we at the lemming house can piece together is as follows:

Mark Foley, former Congressional Representative for the state of Florida was abused by a drunk priest from Uranus as a child. It is something he kept hidden out of fear it would ruin his political career, but we can tell you the full story now.

Young Mark Foley would wait outside nightly. He would gaze lustingly at the skies awaiting his holy pervert alien anal-word-fest to begin. It was his grandest memories of youth and an important part of any growing 17 year old’s experience. They would often take him to their “text message singles club” and they would party the night away until they had blisters on their fingers.

We should note at this point that he was never involved in any physical abuse from what our limited unpaid reporter could tell. The “anal-word-fest” was added by the reporter because he felt “it was too good to let go.” It seems like it was mostly just descriptive in nature.

Over the next few year talking dirty became his “thing”. It is a little known fact that Poison’s debut release “Talk Dirty to Me” was actually inspired by this Florida official. His problem was that a door to door rubber nipple salesman is not the occupation for weird kinky sex that you don’t have to pay for. Not that I know or anything. Moving on…

Seeing Bill Clinton and his success with interns inspired our Mr. Foley. He realized that public orifice…office is the place for him. He ran for a House seat and won because no one votes for the House unless it is a Presidential year. He was in and was given his own harem, I mean stable, I mean group of pages. The rest is history.

See, it is a Democrat’s fault.

And now you know.
And knowing is half the battle.
G.I. Joe.

*Disclaimer: The views you have just read in no way reflect the reality the rest of you live in. We accept no liability for any damage caused to your good sense if you were not wearing the proper tin foil cap during the literary voyage. The facts presented in the story exist in the mind of the author and in other lead painting eating children world-wide. The mind is a terrible thing to waste.

The Management

Distracted Yet? The Truth is Out There

By Kanrei

Is anyone else sick of hearing about “Mark Foley”? I know I am. Yes the guy is a pervert, but he is gone now. Can we please discuss the fact that Condi Rice did get briefed by Tenet and is lying now? I do not think that is too much to ask for.

The right is all up in arms right now accusing the left and the media of a coordinated attack on the GOP one month before the elections. They are acting like Foley did nothing wrong. They are bringing up some Democrats who did the same thing in the 80’s, but this is simply trying to justify your bad behavior by saying “Johnny did it too.”

What I find so interesting about the timing of this release is not its proximity to the November elections, but rather its proximity to Condi Rice being caught in yet another lie. I caught her in the lie she told on 9/10/06 and guaranteed the media would let it go in favor of 9/11 anniversary coverage and I was right. Now they are ignoring the big new of Tenet briefing her before the attacks.

I am not surprised at all to be honest. She thought “Bin Laden determined to attack inside the United States” was a historical document. I have never seen a historical document written in future tense, but so be it. It stands to reason that she would not understand the urgency of Tenet’s warnings. It also stands to reason that Condi “No one expected” Rice would simply plead negligent like she has so often before.

I do have to wonder why so many people continue to have faith in a group of people who, as of yet have not expected one single national crisis that has occurred despite numerous reports detailing warnings of just such events. Even worse, they have yet to properly respond to a single one of these events in a timely or proper manner. The “all clear” ground zero we are now learning did damage people’s health and the government knew this at the time. We know the levees were predicted to break in a storm stronger than a Cat 3 and the government knew this at the time. We know there were numerous warnings of Bin Laden wanting to hijack planes inside the United States and the government knew this at the time. Every time they have been questioned however it is always “no one expected that to happen”.

This Foley story was released by the GOP. The spin was too well distributed to all the important sources before hand. Rush was ready to go with the same “blame the Democrats” story that Fox and WND had ready to go. This is being done because the Rice story is more damning to the party and would cost them even more seats.

Remember the old saying, when you throw a rock into a pack of dogs the one that cries is the one you hit. The Republicans are crying more about this than anyone.

My "Just Incase" Faith

By Kanrei


I celebrate only three religious holidays a year. They are the big three in Judaism: Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and Passover. They are the “just incase” holidays as in “just incase the bible is right” type of thing. “Covering your ass” is another more popular phrase for it.

Each of the holidays listed above hold major significance to Judaism. While most holidays are just celebrated and enjoyed, these three have very specific rituals attached to them that have been practiced for millennia. They each are in their own way defining aspects of Judaism and are above all others.

I cannot speak of all Jews nor can I say that what I believe is correct, but it is how I was taught by my rabbi growing up.

Rosh Hashanah is the start of a new year in Judaism, but it is more than a changing of the calendars. Rosh Hashanah is also the beginning of a new chapter in G-d’s book. Everything you do and say and think is recorded in a book to be used on judgment day. It is your life’s story as seen by the all mighty. It is your last chance to end the year on a good note or a bad one.

Eight days later comes Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement. This is the second “Just incase” holiday. It is the day G-d writes his judgment of you for the last year in His book. This is your last chance to ask G-d to forgive you and try to show your sins were lessons. A lesson will never be held against you because it elevates you while a sin will because it weighs you down. No matter your sin against G-d, it will be forgiven if you learned from it.

The catch to the Yom Kippur forgiveness is that only G-d can forgive you for sins against Him, but He cannot forgive you for sins against man. For all of G-d’s power, He cannot make another person forgive me nor make me forgive another person. We each must seek forgiveness only from the ones we committed a sin against.

Lastly, I celebrate “Passover”. While it is not something I consider an important holiday per say, it is one of my favorites. The family always gets together and everything is always so nice and perfect on that day. It is a happy day celebrating the escape from slavery and is an actual celebration day. It is like Thanksgiving of the Jewish year to me and reminds me what it means to be a Jew.

Those are the “just incase” holidays for me. I am not an overly religious Jew by any stretch of the imagination. I am proud of my heritage and I cannot help but feel proud in the continued existence of a faith hated for almost all of history.

I view the religious aspect of it as merely tradition and philosophy. I see it as more like the Eastern consciousness faiths than the Christian/ Muslim type faiths. For example there is no Hell in Judaism. The afterlife has but one option to it like the Eastern faiths. Christianity and Islam have questionable and undetermined afterlives. Your actions on Earth determine your fate. Jews believe everyone goes to Heaven so the purpose of the faith is how to be a good person rather than how to get past the Pearly Gates. It is that aspect I respect and love to this day.

I love a faith that tells me that I have a one on one relationship with G-d. I do not need to go to a specific place on a specific day to get with a group of people in hopes he hears me through sheer volume. G-d is everywhere and can always hear us; even when we don’t speak. I love all of that.

This does not mean I am one of those who thinks my faith is the correct one so all others are wrong. I think every faith is right if it gets you to the same place. There is more than one road to any destination and the path to G-d is no different. The thing that drives the competition between faiths is the same thing that drives it between siblings. Each is vying for G-d’s love not realizing that G-d loves them all the same.

A good parent realizes that each child they are raising is different. What one child understands another may not. While one can be trusted with responsibility another needs a reward to behave. They are each different people with different motivations in life. This is the same for the many faiths world wide and a good G-d, a smart G-d would know that. Certainly an omnipotent G-d would.

The funny thing about faith is that most Jews would not consider me a good Jew. I do not belong to a temple, I do not support Israel blindly, I do not know Hebrew and I only celebrate three holidays a year. The way I see it is that G-d only really gave us 10 laws to follow. All the others are from man so as long as we follow those 10 we are good with G-d and that is all that matters.

Happy New Year to every one and I really am sorry for any offenses I committed over the last year. I ask for a new start for the new year.

I almost forgot the point of the babble: what are your “just incase” holidays?