Wednesday, August 08, 2007

And Serena Can Exhale...

I called my mother last night for reassurance. I feel like I am not behaving like myself since I quit smoking. I am feeling like in every situation I am the asshole, so I called my mom for her to calm my nerves and give me mental relief.

“Mom, I am feeling like an asshole lately,” I said to her.

“You are an asshole."

“No, I mean really. I am feeling like a total asshole since I quit smoking.”

“No really,” she answered, “you are an asshole. You were one before you quit smoking. Too much of your father in you probably, but you are not acting that differently.”

This was not the “Jewish Mother” answer I was hoping for. She bobs sometimes when I expect a weave.

Yes I know I have always been an asshole, but there are degrees to assholeishness. (Screw you Spellcheck, “assholeishness” is a word now!) I like to think of myself as the funny and quick-witted smart ass type of asshole. The type you know will have something to say in response to most things, but they are usually there not to hurt, but to entertain. My biggest foil is myself for example. Self-depreciating humor is my favorite.

Lately I have been feeling like a new breed of asshole- the mean asshole. I have not been trying to make others laugh. I have been angry and mean spirited. I rant, not babble. I insult, not joke. I think “shut up” where I used to think a myriad of random silly thoughts while listening to other people. I am getting upset with people for behavior I used to laugh off as their being an asshole. Now I am the asshole others are laughing at: not with, but at. If I didn’t live alone already I probably would be by now.

I do not crave cigarettes any longer. I chew on straws still constantly, but I do not want the smoke any more. I am only hoping and praying that I get a handle on my assholeishness as soon as possible. I miss finding humor in life. I miss not taking things seriously ever. Maybe I just need a cigarette….NO!

PS- What is the name for the three dots used to end a sentence? You know, the "..." I am over using, what is it called? I love them.


Serena Joy said...

Exhaling. Ahhhhhh, that felt good. I had to laugh at what your mother said, but I don't think you have a runaway case of assholishness.:)

Those three little dots are called ... ellipses.

sprinkle4 said...

Okay, one...I am loving your Mom.

Two...even though you have gone through most of the physical detox from smoking, there is still a whole lot of mental/emotional things to work through and that, a lot of times, will make you feel like a jerk. You're going through some serious business right now, so cut yourself some slack. It'll ease up sooner or later.

And I often, while listening to other people talk, think "Shut up, shut up, would you please just SHUT UP?" I do it so often, actually, that I may have actually said it out loud...I just don't remember it;)

Diesel said...

It was a long time before I knew I was an asshole. You'd think it would be something you just know, but it isn't. Anyway, now I'm a recovering asshole.

Camille Alexa said...

#1. I think assholeishness is a perfectly acceptable word. My spellcheck refuses to recognize the word 'writerly' (and the word blogger and the word spellcheck), but accepts without question the word 'Starbucks.' Don't tell me I'm a corporate-conspiracy-theorist. I know corporate conspiracy when I see it.

#2. I do not think you're an asshole. I think you're a self-designated class clown; a sometimes achingly raw Pagliacci.

#3. I agree with sprinkle4: your mother sounds fabulous.

#4. Keep up the great work with the non-smoking. No, it doesn't solve the emotional/psychological pains of life, but it sure cuts down on the physical ones, and way sooner than you think.

Kanrei said...

New Lemmings!!!! HI and welcome!

I love my mom. She is one of a kind in the good way. Yes, she drives me nuts quite often, but I think that is part of the job. I am really lucky when it comes to moms (and I am not just saying that because she reads here).

An ellipse...ah. I love them. I can see sprinkle does too =D.

Scary Monster said...

Me wouldn't worry about what yer mother thinks. Me don't and she thinks me be a major Asshole (note the capital A).
Knowing that you are an asshole be the first step to making certain that all those around you appreciate your ass-holy-ness.

Oh yeah... them dots? Some be calling it a pregnant pause or the rhetorical cliff hanger. Me just calls them... dots.


Charles said...
This comment has been removed by the author.