Thursday, July 05, 2007

Sigh...I Miss You

It feels like defeat. I know it shouldn't, but it does. It should feel like release or joy, but the truth is that it doesn't; it feels like defeat. I feel like I am losing something that has been important to me for a long time. I feel like that cliché woman standing at the train depot seeing her lover off to war knowing she will never see him again. It is that same longing I feel right now as I put out my last cigarette. Even those words “last cigarette” brings a pain to my heart.

This last week has been easy since I have not really had to stop smoking. Sure I would go hours without smoking without a problem, but I always knew I could light one at any time if I wanted to. That made it so much easier not to smoke, but now, starting when I wake up tomorrow I am forbidden to have any cigarettes.

I honestly don't know if I am mentally strong enough to go through with it. The pills have done a great job with the nicotine part of the problem, but I enjoy the ritual of smoking. I am going to miss the ritual, those conversations with total strangers that one can only have when forced outside with the other social lepers, the breaks during the work day, and just something to do with my hands in public that won't bring stares or arrest. I know I am going to feel better, but am I really ready?

My pack has four cigarettes left in it. I have four cigarettes to encase in glass for my trophy. I would so much rather smoke them. Strength Kanrei, strength. Find that central voice and focus. I can do this. Ohm, praise Jesus, Shabbat Shalom, and anything else you can thing of. Time for sleep. I already miss smoking.

More later. Smoke 'em if you got 'em cause I can't.


Serena Joy said...

I still think you're going to end up doing it, but listen, if you can't, I'm not going to think any less of you. It's very, very hard. Every time I've ever tried (sans drugs), some crisis happened and I went right back to it. I know the siren call of the ciggies.

Scary Monster said...

Me thinks you be looking at things the wrong way. Your not sending a lover off to die nor waiting fer you sailor to come home from the sea. Your kicking a no good lousy varmint out the house and telling him never to darken your doorstep again!
Ah, that felt good. Me thinks me gonna head outside and light up now. C-ya.

Kanrei said...

Thank you both. I see many tough times ahead. My support group is strong thankfully and I think I can make, I know I will.

littlebirdblue said...

I'm just going to assume you will make it. Would it be comforting to you if I told you that after a few months without smoking, you really can have one every once in a while and not go back to smoking? It might demystify the whole 'last cigarette' deal.

On the other hand, everybody's experience is different. But seriously, over-thinking anything is just asking for trouble. just take baby steps, baby steps...