Tuesday, July 17, 2007

If It Were Easy Everyone Would Do It

When you have issue with one or two other people, it is even odds that the problem could emanate from either end, but what if the problem exists with numerous other people? At what point do you start to look inward for the source as painful as that may be? At what point do you accept that the entire problem may actually start and end with you and never really involved anyone else until you decided to blame them? Or is this all part of quitting cigarettes?

Those “magic” pills are working as they are supposed to, but tragically not as I fully understood them to and that is creating a problem today for certain. It seems they do lessen the joy of smoking and they do seem to cut off any positive response to nicotine, but they do NOTHING for the addiction! This only means I still feel the “need” to smoke, but get no relief from doing it. (Or do I spell relief R-O-L-A-I-D-S? ) The “nic-fit” rages on unabated while my ability to remain smoke-free lowers to almost nothing. I have become that idiot who pushes the elevator button after it has already been pushed. I am conducting a behavior I know will do nothing just to feel as if I am doing something and because it always worked in the past. I think I am going to fail this time.

Getting back to the subject that started it- I thought my father was ignoring me today until my sister seemed to do the same thing. Then my uncle got on my nerves very quickly and my mother was wise enough to stay clear of me for some reason unknown until right now. I am not “just a social smoker who enjoys smoking but can quit anytime I want” like I thought I was. I am just another nicotine addict in denial like so many others before me. I want to quit, but not totally and it is this war between my Gemini twins that is causing these feelings in me lately.

My May Twin wants to keep puffing for the sheer joy of it. He really likes to smoke and feels it makes him look cool. Besides, there is no real damage that he can see as of yet so there is no rush. He is the one that believes “quitting is just a matter of not smoking. Simple.” He is a fool, but he is a May Gemini after all.

On the other side is my June Gemini and he is 100% pure logic- well, 90% logic and 10% hypochondria, but it all works for the same goal. My June twin wants to quit smoking right now because he fears an external voice box. Even when watching “South Park” he could never laugh at the Ned character because of that hand-held device. It really is one of my greatest fears in life and my June twin loves to play that card. It also knows I really get nothing out of smoking other than years off my life so what is the point?

Right now my May twin is winning the battle. He has even resorted to some kind of backwards-ass logic to try and win the June side over. He just claimed “by the time you might need one medical science will have cured the problem so smoke up.”

June responds with “and in 1965 they thought we would be living on the moon by 1995. How is the Sea of Tranquility this time of year?”

Curse June's logic. Now I really don't know what to do, but I must do something because I cannot deal with an unquenchable nicotine withdrawal. Maybe I will double up on my Prozac tomorrow.


Serena Joy said...

Oh, dear. When the good twin has to battle the evil twin, there are always fireworks. I know; mine do it all the time. It's a real dilemma, Kan. And there's no easy solution.

Camille Alexa said...

I think you should persevere, but only because I care.