Smoking (Or Lack There Of) Update

I avoided my computer this weekend after reading Scary Monster's post. It made sense to me and it worked. I did not smoke a single cigarette all weekend. In fact, I cannot remember the last cigarette I smoked. The habit is kicking my ass off and on, but I have beat it mostly. I am not saying I am never going to smoke again, but I think that is a possibility.

More later. Just got into work

I Think I Can. I Think I Can. I Know I Can. I Know I Can. I Knew I Could! I Knew I Could!

It is now officially 28 hours since I had my last cigarette and, while my hands are still shaking, I am not the bundle of 24-hour a day stress I was last week. Yes, stress is still my roommate and not the most courteous of roommates I have had either, but I have had worse. This roommate I at least know is going to actually leave one day soon. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and we ain’t talking about the Tunnel of Love either. I cannot wait to be tunnel-free and back in the light of day.

For the first time I really know I can make it: not believe I can or think I can, but KNOW I can and that is a powerful feeling unto itself. Pass or fail in the long run, I have succeeded far more than I ever dreamt I could. I have found inner-strength I never knew I had. I cannot believe I actually have willpower when push comes to shove. Whodathunkit?

All I need now is for this blasted headache to go away. I wonder if I’m getting sick. Imagine the sheer hell of getting ill while withdrawing from cigarettes. Does anyone know how long it takes to get over nicotine anyway or am I going to feel like this for the rest of my life? Forgetful and tired with a pounding headache is almost enough to make a person smoke after all.

T-Minus 3 Days

Simpson’s Day is almost here. Is there anything else happening in the world today? Yes. Does anything else compare to the fact that Simpson’s Day is almost here? Not a chance in Hell. Nothing short of a nuclear blast could overshadow Simpson’s Day and the nuke would only do it because of the lack of power that would come with the blast. One cannot watch a movie if there is no power so as long as there is electricity then nothing can overpower the joy of Simpson’s Day!!! All praise Homer!!!

This Friday there is no excuse for not going to see the movie. Nothing else matters. NOTHING!!!! Nuf Said

Kudos to Anyone Brave Enough to Click It

This is today's earworm. It is a bad one. You have been warned. The real "Friday" post is beneath this one. Move on if you want to remain earworm free.

Harry Potter Dies

OK, I really don’t know if he lives or dies and really do not care either. I have not seen more than 10 minutes of the movies and have not read more than 15 pages of the first book before losing interest, but looking at the news today one might think Harry Potter was not only real, but actually someone who matters to the world today. It is the top story almost everywhere you look…not bad for a Friday.

Yes, this is a Friday update and not a Harry Potter update. I just wanted to screw with the Google results by calling my post “Harry Potter Dies” which is the same reason Wednesday’s was called the “Harry Potter Spoiler,” but there will be no other mention of “He Who Shall Not Be Named” here. Yes, I know about Him too. Much like American Idol, there is no escaping that wizard. Even not reading the books or watching the movies will protect your brain from filling with those plots and characters. Harry Potter is everywhere, and now he is here as well.

Moving on…today sucks. I am not sure if it is just a standard Friday and my tolerance is down due to nicotine withdraw or if this truly is a special Friday, but it sucks either way. Most of my techs do not want to work this weekend and, those that do cannot because I need them for research coming later in the week. Oh the joys of scheduling two locations for four companies…

Given that I am feeling rather down right now I am going to continue this post later in the day when I am feeling more up. As the weekend comes closer my mood should alter. It always does.

More later…

Babylon and On and On and On

Today I have on my mind nothing at all. Sure there is the constant “I want to go home” and the ever-present “is it five yet” which is a close relative to “I want to go home.” There is also the “I’m bored”, “I’m kinda tired”, the recent addition of “I want a cigarette”, but nothing really of interest to Lemmings is happening between my ears right now.

The boycott of politics is going great thus far however. It may even extend well into next year in fact which is tragic since there is an election next year, but none of these losers have earned the right, the privilege, the honor of a Kanrei Lemming House Endorsement. They are each pathetic and symbolic of the flaws in a democracy with capitalist leanings- the people with the most money win, not the best candidates. It disgusts me to be quite frank.

I feel the number of donors you have should count more than the amount of money you collect. One hundred people giving $10 may be the same amount of money as ten people giving a hundred, but one person has only ten supporters while the other has 100. In today’s political landscape the guy with ten supporters would win simply due to their larger donations and therefore perceived more powerful supporters. Is that not pathetic?

I am not saying we should abandon either democracy or capitalism per say, but we certainly need to segregate the two so they do not have such influence on one another. Honestly speaking the two really have nothing to do with each other. One is a system of picking leaders and the other is a business model. Somewhere along the road we decided the two terms were interchangeable and co-dependant.

But I really have nothing on my mind today....

Harry Potter Spoiler

My Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom is: Sirius Black gives up magic for synchronized swimming with the help of a small force of US Marines Get your Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom

PS-Do not click to "read more." Stupid blogger...not you, Blogspot...

If It Were Easy Everyone Would Do It

When you have issue with one or two other people, it is even odds that the problem could emanate from either end, but what if the problem exists with numerous other people? At what point do you start to look inward for the source as painful as that may be? At what point do you accept that the entire problem may actually start and end with you and never really involved anyone else until you decided to blame them? Or is this all part of quitting cigarettes?

Those “magic” pills are working as they are supposed to, but tragically not as I fully understood them to and that is creating a problem today for certain. It seems they do lessen the joy of smoking and they do seem to cut off any positive response to nicotine, but they do NOTHING for the addiction! This only means I still feel the “need” to smoke, but get no relief from doing it. (Or do I spell relief R-O-L-A-I-D-S? ) The “nic-fit” rages on unabated while my ability to remain smoke-free lowers to almost nothing. I have become that idiot who pushes the elevator button after it has already been pushed. I am conducting a behavior I know will do nothing just to feel as if I am doing something and because it always worked in the past. I think I am going to fail this time.

Getting back to the subject that started it- I thought my father was ignoring me today until my sister seemed to do the same thing. Then my uncle got on my nerves very quickly and my mother was wise enough to stay clear of me for some reason unknown until right now. I am not “just a social smoker who enjoys smoking but can quit anytime I want” like I thought I was. I am just another nicotine addict in denial like so many others before me. I want to quit, but not totally and it is this war between my Gemini twins that is causing these feelings in me lately.

My May Twin wants to keep puffing for the sheer joy of it. He really likes to smoke and feels it makes him look cool. Besides, there is no real damage that he can see as of yet so there is no rush. He is the one that believes “quitting is just a matter of not smoking. Simple.” He is a fool, but he is a May Gemini after all.

On the other side is my June Gemini and he is 100% pure logic- well, 90% logic and 10% hypochondria, but it all works for the same goal. My June twin wants to quit smoking right now because he fears an external voice box. Even when watching “South Park” he could never laugh at the Ned character because of that hand-held device. It really is one of my greatest fears in life and my June twin loves to play that card. It also knows I really get nothing out of smoking other than years off my life so what is the point?

Right now my May twin is winning the battle. He has even resorted to some kind of backwards-ass logic to try and win the June side over. He just claimed “by the time you might need one medical science will have cured the problem so smoke up.”

June responds with “and in 1965 they thought we would be living on the moon by 1995. How is the Sea of Tranquility this time of year?”

Curse June's logic. Now I really don't know what to do, but I must do something because I cannot deal with an unquenchable nicotine withdrawal. Maybe I will double up on my Prozac tomorrow.

Blogger Blogger Blogger/ How You Annoy Me So

Defeat is not an easy thing for me to accept, but I have been defeated. Perhaps if I were not quitting smoking I could battle longer with the code, but I am so I cannot. I needed my links and could not fix the problem so let’s welcome our newest addition to the blog, the “read more” button. Maybe I should rename this blog the “Ignore the Read More Button Blog” to help new people navigate….who am I kidding? New people?

Quick nerd joke:
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor who?
Exactly.

Blogger is cursing me. There was more to this post, but it is gone. More later; lunch now.

PS- The photo is real. Click here for the details. It has nothing to do with my post, but I think it is funny.

F*CKING A!!!!!

Well, I got rid of the "read more" link that popped up from out of nowhere the other day, but I also seem to have lost almost everything else I had. Good-bye links. Good-bye Lemming photo. Good-bye everything. Hello starting over from scratch. At least I still have my posts. Thank G-d for small favors I suppose.

Please do not feel offended to see your link gone. I will be adding back as many as I can remember once I get home today. Either I have all my old stuff and a useless "Read More" button or I have nothing and must start anew. Oh the joys of Blogspot.

PS- I MISS MY LINKS! I LOST MY COMMUNITY FOR NOW! WAHHHH!

Happy Friday the 13th and Avoid those Hockey Masks

Something a little different for today’s edition of “It’s Friday” simply because it is Friday the 13th and this is a photo that pretty much sums up the vibe of today. Anything more would be extraneous.

Thank You for the Past Year

July 11,2006 was the day the Kanrei House for Wayward Lemmings offically opened its doors. I had no idea what to expect from blogging nor did I honestly think I would last a year with my attention spa...bird flew past my window...what?

Anyway, it is your visits that has kept this site alive and kicking and I want to thank every one of you for coming by and making this place work, whatever the hell it is we do here.

I Rant Therefore I Am

Today has been a day to rant and not post it seems. Boy have I been writing rant after rant after rant and yet still have not posted a single word to my blog. I honestly cannot tell you why either. I believe in every word I have typed although not necessarily in the quality of how well said words were, well, said.

Did that make sense reading it because it did typing it? If it didn't then you now understand the lack of words on today's blog. The gift of gab is not mine today. Of course if that did make sense then nothing that has come afterwards has. I should probably just move on from here and stop explaining why I cannot explain things today. It is probably self-evident by now.

I had in my head this morning a great piece about how I am “pro-choice/anti-abortion”, but then I really was not sure I really wanted to open that can of worms. I moved on to a story about the Pope's recent announcement about world faiths, but then quickly realized that would open an even bigger can of worms, possibly even a keg of worms, and I was not prepared for that. Besides, I am not Catholic or even Christian so why should I really pay attention to any of that? It does make me wonder if there is one religion on this planet not at war from with as well as from without?

An ex-girlfriend once asked me “how can I love you when I know you don't love yourself?” It was possibly the most painful thing I have ever heard in my life, but eye opening at the same time. Not all good things are pain-free after all I am learning. I remind myself of that question many times in my life: it motivates me, but also helps me in understanding the world at large. How can any faith get along with another when no faith gets along with itself? How can any country really have peace with another country when they are fighting nonstop from within?

What do you think?


Well, well, well...I got a rant in after all.

Sharing Time at the Lemming House

So it seems today that I just cannot stop (yawn), sorry. As I was saying, I just cannot stop (yawn), sorry again. One more time- it seems all day long today (yawn) I cannot stop (yawn) yawning. I am not (yawn) tired or anything per say. I know I got plenty of (yawn) sleep last night, but I still am (yawn) yawning every few minutes. My jaw is getting a great stretch, but my (yawn) eyes tend to water when I yawn and (yawn) I am getting tired of wiping them. Getting tired only means more (yawn) yawning to come.

Other than the (yawn) yawns it seems I have nothing particularly to blog about today. I just felt the need to pass on the yawns and to see if they are contagious if you don’t see them, but still know they are happening. So, how many times have you yawned while reading this post?

Oh, and welcome to the Lemming House Sprinkle4. Always happy when a lemming makes it home; one less for me to worry about.

P.S.- Sorry About the Earworm-orm-orm-yeah-yeah-yeah

A minor hiccup on the road to health yesterday, but overall things are going great. Yesterday was a test day and I mostly passed; not totally, but mostly and a small victory is still a victory. I am proud of myself for how little I smoked yesterday instead of being upset with myself for smoking at all. It was one of those days after all.

The day started the night before with my being my usual stupid self. The pill is to be taken ONLY twice a day with one dose in the morning and one at night. Being the idiot I seem to play made it so that I forgot taking one of my pills Sunday. This lead to a double dose and rather intense side-effects- dizziness, nausea- I won’t make that mistake again, but it did mean I could not take my morning dose the next day. I fear overdosing on medication so it was going to be up to my self-control to keep me cig-free the following day.

The following morning I awoke bright-eyed and bushy-tailed only to see my rear tires were neither- they were flaccid and depressed. I think “flat” is a better term to use, but less artistic. I got a post to fill up here and simply calling my tire “flat” just won’t cut it. The cigarettes began calling me immediately and I did answer the call more than once as I waited for my tires to be changed. You see, one spare I have, but two I did not.

Yes, they were slowly losing air for a while now, but they were not flat until Monday. Don’t ask me why I waited until they were flat to change my tires, but I did and I smoked three cigarettes while I waited the four hours for my car. I literally had nothing else to do. They were 100% pure bored smokes and not continued nicotine slavery. I am almost emancipated from that with only the remnants of habit remaining. Three is a major shift from a pack a day.

Today I am thinking I can make it for the first time. I am still not 100% behind my quitting, but I think I passed the 80% mark today. Slow progress is still progress I feel. If I can survive a day at the mechanics and not add links to my chain of smoke then I can suffer anything and remain smoke-free, well, nicotine free. No point in going crazy here or anything...

More later. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.

Thanks for the Earworm and Happy Friday

How does one take a good Friday and make it painful? Simple actually, just have your co-workers listen to a top-40 station while you are working. A song you never heard before in your life at 10am becomes the earworm of noon and will haunt you for the remainder of your day.

My earworm is a redundant one and I hope to G-d you have no idea what song it is, but let me just say that you should avoid the “Umbrella-Ella Ella” song at all costs or else you may find yourself repeating the last syllables of various words-rds-rds-yeah-yeah. Repeating certain words-rds-rds-yeah-yeah. Oh how this earworm is not making quitting smoking any easier-ier-ier-yeah-yeah-yeah/ not making it any easier-ier-ier-yeah-yeah-yeah.

On the quitting front there is good news- I have only had one today so far. I am finding that keeping them with me is actually making it easier to avoid. I was thinking non-stop yesterday about them simply because they were no where near me. Today I know I can have one at any time and it has made all the difference. The other thing I have done is taken everyone else out of the quitting equation. This was more valuable than I had thought it would be.

When I decided to quit smoking I felt I was too weak to do it on my own. I went around and told everyone who would listen that I was quitting. I felt that if every knew I would have more pressure to quit. I was right about the pressure, but wrong about it helping me quit. Instead it created this idea that I was doing it for other people. I was letting them down if I lit one. Pressure and stress placed upon a person trying to quit their pressure and stress crutch was not the brightest of ideas I have ever had.

Today is a different day than yesterday and not just because I am properly medicated, but rather because today I do not care about any one else in relation to my smoking. This is now done for me and me alone. If I smoke then I wanted to smoke and that is fine and if I do not smoke that is all the better: there is no failure or success in this, nothing to win or lose.

Of course, the bright side of smoking is a quicker death and possible release from my earworm-orm-orm-yeah-yeah-yeah/ relief from my earworm-orm-orm-yeah-yeah-yeah.

Sigh...I Miss You

It feels like defeat. I know it shouldn't, but it does. It should feel like release or joy, but the truth is that it doesn't; it feels like defeat. I feel like I am losing something that has been important to me for a long time. I feel like that cliché woman standing at the train depot seeing her lover off to war knowing she will never see him again. It is that same longing I feel right now as I put out my last cigarette. Even those words “last cigarette” brings a pain to my heart.

This last week has been easy since I have not really had to stop smoking. Sure I would go hours without smoking without a problem, but I always knew I could light one at any time if I wanted to. That made it so much easier not to smoke, but now, starting when I wake up tomorrow I am forbidden to have any cigarettes.

I honestly don't know if I am mentally strong enough to go through with it. The pills have done a great job with the nicotine part of the problem, but I enjoy the ritual of smoking. I am going to miss the ritual, those conversations with total strangers that one can only have when forced outside with the other social lepers, the breaks during the work day, and just something to do with my hands in public that won't bring stares or arrest. I know I am going to feel better, but am I really ready?

My pack has four cigarettes left in it. I have four cigarettes to encase in glass for my trophy. I would so much rather smoke them. Strength Kanrei, strength. Find that central voice and focus. I can do this. Ohm, praise Jesus, Shabbat Shalom, and anything else you can thing of. Time for sleep. I already miss smoking.

More later. Smoke 'em if you got 'em cause I can't.

For Serena Joy

You'll be a dentist
You have a talent for causin' things pain
Son, be a dentist
People will pay you to be inhumane
Your temperament's wrong for the priesthood
And teaching would suit you still less
Son, be a dentist
You'll be a success

And the Heat Goes On Where The Hands Has Been

The “Great Smoke Out” rages on and, unlike other “Great Smoke Outs” I have been apart of in the past, there is no risk of incarceration with this one. In fact, my parents are actually supporting me in this one and helping out financially with the cost of the drugs. My parents buying me drugs…oh how times have changed.

First let’s get the side effect saga out of the way- they are continuing pretty much unabated. This could be due to the fact that yesterday was the first “double dose day” and those side effects I got used to just got a recharge. I am not positive, but they are more minor inconveniences rather than full-on dilemmas worthy of worry. I have had headaches and stomach problems before and I am sure I will have them again so having them now is really just a rehearsal for when I get sick next time. A little discomfort is worth the trade for the smoke free years to come.

As far as smoking goes, I am lighting almost exactly the same number of cigarettes I lit last week, but I am smoking a whole lot less of them. I have gone from being a cigarette smoker to being a cigarette lighter. Expensive yes, but much more healthy and I know that Wednesday is my last day of lighting them. After that I will be on a steady diet of lollipops to help combat the oral fixation I already know the pills will not be helping with. My poor pens cannot wait until I get those suckers.

The bright and happy news is that I have already bought my last pack of cigarettes. With a little luck I will even have a few left on Thursday to have encased in glass. Yes, the same idea from “The War of the Roses.” I always loved that DeVito’s character in that movie had his last cigarette, his “next cigarette”, encased in glass. He promised himself that the next cigarette he would smoke would be that one and he could not smoke that one because he had it encased in glass. As a result, he never smoked again. I plan on doing the same exact thing. A trophy I am going to give myself for a job well done.

A reward for quitting something: oh the irony.

More later. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.