Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Kan Kanrei get Kanned?

So “where the fuck is Kanrei” seems to be a popular question right about now. When we last saw Kanrei, he was fired from KHWL for his repeated failed attempts at catching a North American Mojo on film. It was not his lowest moment however. His lowest moment was that time the press caught him in an inflatable hot tub with three gazelles and a llama until this very moment where that hot tub incident suddenly became public knowledge on a blog his mother reads. That would make this is newest lowest moment and he is very happy to have shared it with you.

Getting back to the subject at hand, Kanrei has been busy writing during his absence and today, while he was a work, we broke into his humble abode and stole some of his most recent writings because, let's be honest, Kanrei made our ratings. KHWL is just not KHWL without Kanrei; then it's just HWL.

And now, without further rambling, is Kanrei's latest rant:

So there I am, sitting and thinking about nothing really except for the fact that I am really in the mood to write without having anything of any particular importance to say. I have my opinions sure, but they are not really formed in such a way that I am comfortable sharing them on the internet. Saying stupid things embarrasses you for the moment, but an online humiliating diatribe can sneak up and scar you for life.

I can only imagine my wanting to run for, let's just say, President of the Unknown Universe (or PUU as I would want to be called) and then, just as I am about to win the election and proclaim my dominance over all unknown living species, some snoopy reporter ( not a beagle) comes up and asks about some KHWL column I threw together while in the midst of a drug fuel boredom killing rant. How could I happily explain away my desire to fornicate with Smurfette exactly to a discriminate voting populace?

“She is more than twice your age and a lot less than half your height” they would rightly scream. Then the questions would just starting running freely over my entire campaign.

“Do you favor striped toothpaste or are you more of a solid color kind of guy?”

“We don't care about boxers or briefs, but what color do you wear and is that to hide any skid marks?”

These are the questions only a person running for office is qualified to answer which is lucky since these are also the questions only a person running for office would have to answer. We don't care for the answer so much as how they answer it. They can “blah blah blah” till their hearts are content, but if they “blah, blah, blah” angerly then we know we got 'em.

"Smurfette is a lovely person and an asset to my campaign," I would start I think, "and I can assure you that there was nothing inappropriate occurring between me and 'Tiny Blue Lips.' I was always a gentleman and she was very well compensated for anything that may have happened, not that anything did actually happen.”

Doesn't the voting populace realize that, if I must stop to constantly answer these questions, then I cannot fully plan their future?

....um.....yea? We mean “yeah!” Kanrei may have been fired, but they cannot stop us from breaking into his home everyday while he is at work and stealing his latest ramble until management sees the error of their way. Let management know that you are demanding Kanrei be De-Kanned!


VE said...

Hah. Good one. I like breaking into Kan's home and stealing his writing. It's like comfort food...

But wait a minute. You can't possibly know about the unknown universe in order to run for President there...I demand a recount!

Serena Joy said...

LOL. You need to invest in a home security system to prevent these pesky break-ins from happening again. And you ought to give Smurfette a whirl. Just don't let it get out on the Internet; it'll look bad when you run for president (because yes, they have the Internet in the Unknown Universe, too).:D