Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Anyone Know a Good Exorcist?

So my house has a fly problem. We are not talking normal fly problem. We are talking about giant Amityville Horror, window hugging flies that are not scared of anything. I have checked my house for dead animals and turned up nothing. I think I am happy about that. I have looked for standing water, garbage, anything that flies dig. Nothing! The only option left is demonic possession.

Sadly for me, demonic possession of houses is not something my DVD collection has prepared me for. I am prepared for 12 year old girls being possessed. I am prepared for my right hand being possessed. I am prepared if the dead suddenly rise from their graves searching for brains to consume. I am prepared for most horror based emergencies, except for a possessed house.

I am Jewish for Christ’s sake! I don’t have any exorcism passages in my Bible. I got lots of people smiting and screwing each other. There are a few plagues and a talking bush or two, but no exorcism. Only thing close I suppose is to stone my house. Stoning is the Old Testament solution to most things after all.

I do admit that the very second a fly says "Get Out!", I am out the door Roadrunner style. There may be a cloud impression left of me. I only hope I don't end up falling for that stupid painted-on tunnel that always works as a tunnel for everyone except the poor coyote. I bet he would know how to deal with these satanic flies from some level of Hell yet to be named.

Seriously, these are not normal flies! I hit one, it fell squished and got back up. I think it re-inflated or something! Damn Popeye demon fly!
Either way, Satan or not, a rolled up newspaper will return order to my abode. I got the day off tomorrow. I will lock all the doors and have it out with them once and for all. Only one of us walks away!

“The Power of Newsweek Compels You!”
“The Power of Newsweek Compels You!”

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