Tuesday, April 17, 2007

And Now A Lemming Press Conference

I have a confession to make and this lull in readership seems like the best time to do it. See, I am not the brave and stoic figure I present here on this blog. In reality, I am actually a bundle of neurosis held together by stands of sanity. Imagine a ball of yarn after being played with by a cat and that is me inside- emotionally, not physically. I don’t think I would be alive if I were all mangled up inside actually. That is a rather sick thought too. I’m gonna move on now I think to my point.

I have to face one of my more recent fears this Friday and I am really not looking forward to anything other than it all being over with. Just when I thought I was getting a handle on this Friday problem I have too. This Friday is even 420 damnit and I am going to spend it white-knuckled and/or Xanaxed out.

I can hear the questions rushing to your minds and I will answer them all I promise. OK, you in the back.

“Hello Mr. Kanrei and thank you for taking my question. Am I to take it you trying to say you are afraid of flying?”

Yes, well, no, not exactly afraid of flying, rather afraid of suddenly not flying. I am afraid of a sudden and unscheduled landing. The flying part really doesn’t bother me at all.

“So you are afraid of dying in a plane crash then?”

Again not exactly- I am afraid of living through a plane crash. I am afraid of becoming really messed up and surviving. I really don’t mind dying in a crash or landing safely. It’s just that third option that really bothers me.

I think I should take someone else’s question now. Yes, you in the corner.

“Hi and thanks. Why exactly are you going to fly then and where are you flying to?”

Good question and thank you for not dwelling on my fear. I am flying to New Orleans because my brother is getting married on Saturday.

“Well that should be fun at least.”

It will be interesting, fun is up in the air, but it will be entertaining. I have a feeling there is a movie to be made about this wedding. I don’t know why exactly, but with all the families and step-families on both sides coming together something has to happen and I have a front row seat. There are going to be three fathers and three mothers there for one couple. Check my math because to me it adds up to potential hilarity! And this doesn’t even account for inner-family feuds that we all have.

“So you should be very excited about it and not such a damn chickenshit then pardon my French.”

You’re pardoned and I should and would be if it were not for that cursed flight back to Miami. It is sitting there taunting me and laughing at me. It knows that no matter what I do I cannot return home without first confronting that fear. I hope the Xanax holds out.

Well, that’s about it for tonight. I hope everyone has a great night and drive home safely.

6 comments:

littlebirdblue said...

You're cracking me up, here.

Sorry about the anxiety.

Variant E said...

So you probably don't want to hear about the time I woke up over the Amazon on the plane ride coming back from Brazil and the right engine had flames coming out of it (this was a two engine plane). Needless to say, we landed in Guyana! Yep, that place. I didn't drink the Koolaid. Enjoy the flight ;)

Scary Monster said...

Iffin ya leave now you could take a chineese junk across the gulf or possiby hitch a ride on a cigarette. The way they burn fuel youd be there in no time.

Try to have fun and don't mix yer drinks.

STOMP.

Kanrei said...

48 hours and counting....gulp

Roxan said...

Being deathly afraid of not height, but falling from the height... I know just where you are coming from. Or falling from as the case may be.

Serena Joy said...

I actually love flying, especially the rush at takeoff. Still, I have to admit that, yeah, I'm afraid of falling out of the sky. And waking up messed up as opposed to waking up dead would seriously upset me. Anyhow... You're going to New Orleans! I'd fly for that.

The wedding roster reminds me of my niece's wedding in Sept. Her mom and dad have been divorced for years and don't like each other much. Standing at the altar were mom and dad, trying hard to make nice, mom's boyfriend (who looked scared), and dad's current wife, who hates my sister and looked fit to be tied. We were all much relieved that no blows were exchanged.

You'll be fine!