Friday, June 03, 2016

Why Yes...Yes I Am

I think it is time to out myself and no, I am not gay...not that there's anything wrong with that.   What I am is Asexual.   I took a few online quizzes and I am what they call "Grey -A" Asexual.   This means I don't mind doing things and do have a preference between sexes, but I just don't have that drive to "bring it all home."    I will play football, but have no desire to score a touchdown; I just enjoy the game.    I will play baseball, but am quite happy at first or second base.   I get home sometimes certainly, but that is to make the team happy and not due to an internal desire to score.   Nope, I am quite Asexual it seems.

When I have brought this subject up before, it has always  been dismissed as either a side-effect of medication I am on, a simple fact I have yet to meet that right person, or recently as an after-effect of my cancer treatments, but I must sadly say none of the above is correct.    When I look back on my life I clearly see that I am just not a sexual creature and that is fine really.

I got my first girlfriend when I was fifteen.   She picked me up at a skating rink (kids, ask your parents) I was at while pledging a high school frat.   I didn't get in the frat, but I did get a girl, so I think I won overall.    And it was fun; a lot of fun.   We did everything together and I was totally in head over heals love with this girl, but we didn't have sex.   We fooled around; we explored like kids do; we teased and played: we did all that, but I never broke the barrier.    I didn't want to.  It wasn't important to me.     Everyone assumed we were having sex like bunnies in heat because we did play around A LOT, but nope; no sex.   Not until I turned eighteen and felt I wanted to keep this girl even though I was leaving for college.   It was for her I did IT, not for me.    It was nice, but it wasn't as much fun as other things we did and I just wasn't moved to want to do it more.

I went to college and my lack of a sex drive kept me very faithful to my girl friend back home, but her discovery of a sex drive made it hard for her to do the same for me.   She was an attractive girl in her last year of high school and was finding herself popular.   While I blamed and cursed her at the time, I can understand in retrospect.    She broke up with me quite a few times during that freshman year and for some reason I kept taking her back.   Eventually this girl brought out my dark side and I will write about that another day.    Nothing fatal or illegal, so relax.

I went a few years without either a girl friend or casual sex after the break up.   I had sex with one girl who I did like because I thought that was what I was supposed to do, but it didn't work out.   Great friend, but no romance.  

I met another girl a year or so later and fell again head over heals in love and this time we were sexually active, but I just wasn't there mentally for that final act.   I think she sensed it.   We dated for years, but the sex slowly faded as I think I just couldn't keep faking interest in that.   I loved everything else and could do foreplay for hours, but when it came time to doing IT, I would mentally check out.

When that relationship ended, I think I used the hurt of it as an excuse to the world as to why I wasn't engaging with or looking for anyone, but I think inside I was kind of happy to have that pressure of sex lifted off of me.

So here we are some 25 years later and I am finally admitting I am Asexual.   I love women.  I really do.  I have fantasies and desires and such, but I don't want sex.   It doesn't interest me in the slightest.   I know there are others out there like me and I know I will eventually find another and live in asexual bliss, so I am not worried.   Ironically, a side-effect of the cancer treatments that would destroy most men is no big deal to me: I can't ejaculate.  TMI? Tough!    And yes I am hiding this in another paragraph fully aware it should be a new one, so deal with that too!    I think that news would destroy most men, but I take it as an asset and a shield to those who questioned why I wasn't sexually active: I couldn't be.   Me?  I am quite happy to be Asexual and can't imagine being any other way.

2 comments: said...

Being asexual does not preclude one's sensuality. In fact, as you say, it can enhance it.

You are a lover . . . A lover of wisdom!

By the way a writer knows no boundaries; never TMI.

Thanks again for sharing.

joanie78 said...

You have more to say then you think. There are people out there who go through what you did wi cancer. The treatments and the after
There are people out there who feel like you do. What you wrote helps those. We have to get you out there. A place you can put these interesting blogs