Sunday, August 09, 2015

Sudden Lucidity

I never remember my dreams.   I fall asleep and suddenly it is the next day.   I know I dream because everybody does, but I never remember them...except today.

Last night I was in prison.   I don't know what for or what prison I was in.   The entire dream took place at a bench in the yard on a single day.   For some reason, I had a pipe, a lighter, a small supply of pot, and a cell phone with hundreds of numbers in it.    My entire dream consisted of me calling every number and getting voice mail as I tried to find someone to get more pot to me so I could continue to deal with my situation.   I knew everyone was more than willing to aid me if I could just reach one of them, but not one answered.    And the situation I needed aid with was my lack of pot and not my imprisonment.

The idea that I somehow had a pipe, pot, and a cell phone in prison never occurred to me as strange; nor did the fact that I told my plight to numerous other inmates who tried to find solutions for me rather than stealing my pipe, pot, and/or cell phone.   They were sympathetic to my cause.  

I have no memory of who the names were or who the other inmates were.   The dream was interrupted by my cell phone ringing in real life as a friend was calling me to see how I was feeling.  It was the exact moment the dream was achieving a lucid moment as I started questioning my situation and how unrealistic it was.    I said out loud in the dream "this is like a nightmare" as my phone woke me up.

I not only remember this dream, but understand it entirely.    The prions was cancer obviously.   The other inmates were the members of my cancer support group.   The cell phone was my security and the pot was my strength.   I was calling out to my security to help fill my fading strength.   I even said in the dream "I need to start rationing what I have left."   It was a feeling of being lost and in despair that was ironically interrupted by a real life sign that friends cared.

Now, the cell phone is important.    It had hundreds of names in it, so that tells me I know I have a large support group, but the fact that it kept going to voice mail is symbolic of the fact that they all have their own lives with their own trials going on and they can't always be there the exact moment I need them.   But real life, as if spying on my dream, showed up to say "this is not true" as a phone call on my cell phone woke me up and said "How are you feeling?  What's up?  Do you need anything?"

My not seeking escape from the prison is telling to me too.   It is a good sign that I am accepting of my situation and am instead seeking how best to remain comfortable in it rather than dreaming of a day it is all over.  

To quote an Elton John song: I'm still standing better than I ever did feeling like a true survivor.