Last night was monumental; it was a historic moment in my life Last night was my last traditional bowel movement. Last night was the last time that I sat on a toilet. Last night was the last time I wiped my arse. Last night was the last time period.
It is very strange doing something for the last time. And it is not like when one says "this is the last time I'm going to have a cigarette" he says as he smokes out of nervousness. This was an honest to G-d no looking back no second chance no changing your mind last time I was going to do something and I knew it going into it. Countless times in our lives we do numerous things for the last time, but how often do we go into it knowing it?
I've never enjoyed bowel movements. I'm sure that is actually a stupid statement as nobody enjoys it. They come at inconvenient times and create odors that can clear the most congested nasal passage. But then again who doesn't really enjoy a good shit from time to time? I can be the only one who occasionally feels deep satisfaction with what I have created sometimes, am I? TMI again? Sorry...
Without the daily bowel ritual, how will I catch up on my reading? My news? Am I supposed to sit there pretending I'm just constipated until I finish that next chapter? Is it even possible for me to read and retain what I read without a toilet attached to my ass? Does anyone really read without one attached to their's. I bet there is one attached to you as you read this.
I also wonder how many hours per year I am now going to save on average.
I wonder how many trees are going to thank me for not using them to clean myself. I wonder if they will send me a card, or would that be too ironic?
I wonder how many fish will bless me for not sending them wads of used toilet paper. I wonder if that blessing will be mitigated by the fact I will still be sending them...um, poo. No hard feelings. I think some of you eat it. Gross, but who am I to judge?
In closing, I want to leave you with some wisdom I found in an issue of the comic series event "Marvel Civil War". It is something Ironman says to Spider-Man that struck a chord deep within me and I feel relates to us all:
In everyone's life, Peter, there's an 'it'... your wife leaves you, or you get cancer. There's your life before 'it' and your life after 'it.' 9/11 was an 'it' of national magnitude. --Anthony Stark from Amazing Spider-Man Vol 1 Issue 352One last paraphrase from an unknown source: "IT" does change who you are; "IT" reveals you.