Oh, and I love you too. =D
Einstein has a theory of relativity that I lack the ability to really comprehend, but I apply it to mean that things far away are smaller than they actually are and things closer to you are much larger than they are. A mountain can seem like a molehill in the distance and an ant hill can appear larger than Mount Kilimanjaro (rising like Olympus above the Serengeti* courtesy of Toto's Africa). Same can be true of concept as it is of objects I am discovering. July was easy; August sucks.
Not being very good at math (and you thought I was so smart), it was easy for me to dismiss my upcoming operation as "a month away" in July. I could not be bothered to work out how many days were between July 27th and August 13th, but those days are over. WE are in August now and the countdown is on. Today is August 2nd, which means we are eleven days out: less if you include the pre-op prep. The nature of the date has changed and oddly I am no longer in a hurry for the time to come, but I want it over with at the same time.
Salvation was my focus in July as the upcoming date was far enough in the future that I could forget about the path to it and could focus on how much better things will be after August 13. Now however, I see the Apocalypse I have to endure to reach salvation and am getting scared of what it will bring. I look at my stomach in the mirror and remember more the hell of my iliostamy rather than remembering this will be different. I am thinking about that bathroom again; the one in my parent's house where I suffered, bleed, leaked, and endured. I am thinking "again?" instead of "finally!" I have begun taking Valium again. My sister and her awesome husband are coming down this week for a Captiva Redux (all the same people) and I am worried how I will be at these events with the loom of August 13th on the horizon.
I must stress right now I am not looking for any reassurance right now. I will react hostility to any words of encouragement. I know they are well meant and come from love, but I may not be thinking about the operation at the time you say something and I WILL snap at the sudden realization of how close it is. I am not snapping at you, but at the situation. I am sorry in advance for this.
You have to understand that the moment you tell someone that you have cancer, 100% of them know EXACTLY what you should have done to avoid it and, to be honest, these dime store experts get very tiring very quickly.
Let me save you (general you not to be thought to mean the reader) some time before you say something to the person telling you they have cancer:
THEY HAVE GOOGLE TOO AND HAVE ALREADY DONE WAY MORE RESEARCH PRIOR TO THEM TELLING YOU THAN YOU HAVE EVER CONSIDERED DOING!!!!Sorry, but after 2 years it gets annoying. Did not mean to yell. Back to my subject and yes, I had to re-read this to remember what I was talking about.
It is funny right now because this is getting harder to type the more I am sitting here thinking of how to say what I am feeling about the operation. It is bringing dormant emotions to the surface and my hands are starting to shake making typing more difficult. I have to focus on August 14th. I have to remember the trick that got me through the most severe pain I went through; remember my mantra:
In Two Weeks This Won't Even Be A Memory! I Can Take It Because I Won't Remember It! Only the Good Will Survive
This actually works! I learned it when I got my nose done as a kid and was in pain and in pain and then suddenly wasn't in pain anymore and then a few weeks later could not even describe the pain if I had to. I remembered being in pain, but not the pain. My knee operation 4 years ago confirmed this thought process as once again the pain faded into just general "pain" and not something that hurt in the slightest. All training for cancer? Either way, this anxiety, this fear, this worry, this panic, this hypochondria, this everything will be over on August 13th and not even a memory by August 25th, so I just have to focus on August 25th and my new life free from diapers and accidents and a return to boxer shorts!
OH HOW I MISS BOXER SHORTS!
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