Monday, October 01, 2007

Kanrei and the Search for the Holy Rubber Chicken Key Ring of Salvation

UPDATED Tuesday at 10:20 am

Today, Kanrei's Imaginary House for the Improbable Trade is proud to offer salvation. You read that correctly so there is no need to clean your screen. Well, you probably should. That is filthy! Are you smoking in front of your monitor? That is one thick film. I can barely see you.

Anyways...

“Who am I to offer salvation?”

I am so glad you decided to join the conversation. Without you this would be an insane monologue to nobody. As long as you keep that screen clean, this is a conversation. And you are currently speaking to the future “King of Everything That Can Never Be Seen” you lucky lucky bast....I mean you lucky devil you.

No, please get up. No need to bow. I am the same Kanrei I was before, only now I have an entire nonexistent world under my control populated by billions of teeny tiny mini short, but nicely robust Brazilian Penguins. I tried for Zebras (same color scheme), but they asked far too many questions. Penguins are happy just to be out of the cold. Plus, they are so cute when they waddle about.

Did you know Penguin shit is florescent? It's not so you were right before.

The salvation I offer is simple and mostly “catch free.” See, every Lemming deep down in his heart really wants a rubber chicken key ring. It is among the most holy of holy objects for those who practice the faith of Lemmingism.

For all I don't really actually survey and for all the teeny tiny mini short, but nicely robust Brazilian Penguins who look up to me (not out of respect, but because they are so short), no one has yet provided me with the holy rubber chicken key ring. Rubber Duckie yes; rubber chicken key ring no. I got rubber duckies coming out of my ears, but no rubber chicken key rings.

I would trade everything I can't see for just a momentary glance at this holy relic of comedic days gone by. I hear that the Holy Rubber Chicken Key Ring can be found in the Valley of the Pie Fight just south of Eye-Poke Gorge.

Of course, in the absence of a rubber chicken key ring, salvation can be achieved through a simple swearing ceremony. Any profanity will do.

UPDATE Roxan is saved. She found this:

8 comments:

ThatGreenyFlower said...

O Great and Merciful Kan:

I bow before you. I have put out my cigarette in the honor of you.

Visit this site: http://www.ultimatekeychains.com/browseproducts/Rubber-Chicken-Keychain.html

Please may your day be made by this, the offering of your humble Lemming.

Roxan said...

While I appreciate your love of the rubber chicken keyring, I just can't go there but I did find this for you:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=DNd4SBY65jU

Serena Joy said...

I so desire salvation. I am so unworthy. I will bow and scrape and defer to get it. I will not quit smoking but I so want unholy communion with the rubber chickie. I have nothing but a few postage stamps to put in the Lemming offering. I hope that's enough to get the chicken and no free gift, shipping and handling included. Am I saved now, O Lemming Master? I hope so. I've been known to drop houses on those who deny me salvation through rubber poultry.

Kanrei said...

I went to the Rubber Chicken site Greeny, but they require at least a $7 order. I need more chickens I think...

VE said...

I'll tag along...until the koolaid is served that is

Kanrei said...

Even if its red koolaid? Who can resist red koolaid?

Scary Monster said...

Me may not be at the point where Me be relenquishing me grip on me Marlboro's quite yet, but me won't be givin any away to any stray chickens, rubber or otherwise, that me meets.

STOMP.

calo54 said...

Whoever made that Ode To Rubber Chicken video is just plain nuts!!!

Thanks for linking to it! Oh... i was the one that made it.

Oh no, I didn't make it, I found it while I was sleeping in my car.