They say "You Only Live Once," but I'm on my second and, to be honest, about to start my third. And I am through the Looking Glass with this one. Everything is the same, but ever so slightly a mirror reflection of what it was pre-cancer: I'm tired of typing that word so I will refer to the date I was diagnosed instead as it is a rebirthday: 7/30/13.
It seems from my perspective that in many ways Brad didn't survive his ordeal and I am what came through. 7/30/13 was a Baptism by Fire and I am what didn't burn. Thinking of the damage the radiation did, the fire analogy isn't that far from truth actually. The flaws of my character (as I saw them) were destroyed in the onslaught of radiation and only the parts I wanted to survive came through. I'm sure many MANY flaws survived, but they are probably aspects of me I viewed as essential character traits and I hope they have been refined to be slightly less annoying to the masses.
Since my last chemo treatment about 13 months ago, I have not felt fully engaged in my, or Brad's life. It is a wonderful feel I cannot recommend enough. I have engaged in all forms of self-exploration and self-analysis and found some aspects that I needed help in and have sought said help. I have gained a detached look at life in general and feel (ironic choice of words) that I look at it from a sane logical "it won't affect me either way" point of view. I mean, when you are not sure you will be around to know who wins the next election, you really have a great insight in that you have no horse in the race. It is a natural high and has given me a wonderful appreciation of life I never had, but I realized last week it can't last and that also is good.
This natural high, these last 13 months have been a cocoon; a period between lives. I had a feeling in my bones that 7/30/13 wasn't done with me and when it became fact, I realized this time was just the time for me to change into what I am going to be. Even more refreshing of a thought than the natural high to be honest. Brad couldn't have handled what is to come like I can.
And I am Brad. When I speak of Brad as a separate entity, it is because the person I am now is really very little like I was. I would go into detail, but I think my previous posts have covered that aspect of this saga quite well. This is just a disclaimer that I am not schizophrenic, but am just using a literary device.
OK, back to our story:
The Colostomy Bag...Brad couldn't have done that, but a post Iliostomy Bag Brad laughs at it. And I am entering a new life on August 13, 2015; my third. I have no idea what this life will entail, but I know this second life has equipped and trained me to deal with it in ways I never knew I could. I am not scared, but excited to enter it. I am nervous of course. Sometimes even scared, but this new Post-7/30/13 Brad has no problem dealing with it and actually sometimes enjoys the game.
1 comment:
😉
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