Monday, July 13, 2015

Through the Looking Glass on This One

They say "You Only Live Once," but I'm on my second and, to be honest, about to start my third.   And I am through the Looking Glass with this one.  Everything is the same, but ever so slightly a mirror reflection of what it was pre-cancer: I'm tired of typing that word so I will refer to the date I was diagnosed instead as it is a rebirthday: 7/30/13.  

It seems from my perspective that in many ways Brad didn't survive his ordeal and I am what came through.   7/30/13 was a Baptism by Fire and I am what didn't burn.    Thinking of the damage the radiation did, the fire analogy isn't that far from truth actually.   The flaws of my character (as I saw them) were destroyed in the onslaught of radiation and only the parts I wanted to survive came through.    I'm sure many MANY flaws survived, but they are probably aspects of me I viewed as essential character traits and I hope they have been refined to be slightly less annoying to the masses.

Since my last chemo treatment about 13 months ago, I have not felt fully engaged in my, or Brad's life.  It is a wonderful feel I cannot recommend enough.   I have engaged in all forms of self-exploration and self-analysis and found some aspects that I needed help in and have sought said help.   I have gained a detached look at life in general and feel (ironic choice of words) that I look at it from a sane logical "it won't affect me either way" point of view.   I mean, when you are not sure you will be around to know who wins the next election, you really have a great insight in that you have no horse in the race.   It is a natural high and has given me a wonderful appreciation of life I never had, but I realized last week it can't last and that also is good.

This natural high, these last 13 months have been a cocoon; a period between lives.   I had a feeling in my bones that 7/30/13 wasn't done with me and when it became fact, I realized this time was just the time for me to change into what I am going to be.    Even more refreshing of a thought than the natural high to be honest.   Brad couldn't have handled what is to come like I can.

And I am Brad.   When I speak of Brad as a separate entity, it is because the person I am now is really very little like I was.   I would go into detail, but I think my previous posts have covered that aspect of this saga quite well.   This is just a disclaimer that I am not schizophrenic, but am just using a literary device.

OK, back to our story:

The Colostomy Bag...Brad couldn't have done that, but a post Iliostomy Bag Brad laughs at it.   And I am entering a new life on August 13, 2015; my third.   I have no idea what this life will entail, but I know this second life has equipped and trained me to deal with it in ways I never knew I could.   I am not scared, but excited to enter it.   I am nervous of course.   Sometimes even scared, but this new Post-7/30/13 Brad has no problem dealing with it and actually sometimes enjoys the game.