Dear Rectum,
Have fun these next few weeks because this is your last hurrah. I will not miss you. I will not sit back and reminisce fondly of the unrelenting hours of nonstop fecal parades. I will not buy toilet paper or tushy wipes out of a sense of nostalgia for lost days. I will happily wear boxers once again and never fund the Depend industry again. The bathroom stalls of gas stations, restaurants, movie theaters, concert halls, and grocery stores will not see my ass again, although I have been mostly impressed with how clean they are nowadays.
I used to fear the colostomy bag. I couldn't think of a more humiliating hell that that, but I was wrong. Believe me when I say NOT having one has been way worse. Yes, I appear normal, but am not. With the bag, I won't appear normal, but I will be and that is a great trade.
I only mourn one thing and will have to make a point of having lots of photos taken without my shirt on next week on vacation since that will be a sight I am going to lose.
Other than that, bring it on Ass! I am ready for anything you bring and you better bring it because this is your last chance to show me what you got. I'm ready; are you?
Love,
Brad.
PS- I would have said "fuck you ass," but that might seem gay and I'm not gay...not that there's anything wrong with it.
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