My Fake Cigarette Failure: Part Two

I gave such a scathing review on Friday, that I feel an update is warranted.

I have played with my fake cigarette off and on all weekend and it does appear to be working much better. I would say I get a hit every 6 out of 10 drags now. It seems I just had to learn how to use it. I see little point in this product for me still, but I also bought the "zero nicotine" cartridges. They do sell cartridges with nicotine amounts up to a full strength cigarette, but I am not willing to reintroduce nicotine into my diet. People who still chew nicotine gum like mad however should consider such a product.

It is not a scam I must say at this point. My hostile attitude towards it at first was probably because of it not properly warmed up. As it is a vaporizer, it does need to heat up some before it works like a real cigarette.

I am going to try some of their other flavors before calling it a 100% waste for me, but those still hooked on nicotine would get much use out of such a product I think.

My Fake Cigarette Failure

I bought one of those electronic cigarettes yesterday. I have been chewing on straws like a madman and have been staring at smokers in old movies with a jealous feeling, so I thought I would try one of those. I don't want to start buying cigarettes again at all, but I do enjoy the act of smoking and miss it. Well, if you are like me, then DO NOT BUY ONE OF THOSE SCAM TOYS!!! Thank G-d I just had a birthday or else I would be really pissed about this "toy" I bought that never works called the electronic cigarette.

I will not name the maker of this particular scam other than to say it is a combination of what you do with it and the number of states plus Puerto Rico. I think this will make so that, while not leading you to the name, it will help those who were scammed like I was recognize the villain of my tale.

One: It is the most inconsistent product I have ever used in my life. The instruction book claims slow drags will do, but they obviously have never used this product. Slow drags do nothing. You have to suck like you are drinking a milkshake to get it to even try to work. Then, when the red tip is glowing to let you know it is working, you should exhale smoke, right? Wrong. Maybe one in 10 ties do I exhale some little bits of smoke, but most of the time it is nothing.

Two: It tastes like crap! It claims to be tobacco flavored, but I can tell you the flavor is burning paper when you get any. As stated in point one, 9 out of 10 times the thing doesn't work, but you do know when it does because your mouth tastes like, well, from college, when you first lit a joint and only the paper burned, but you had to inhale to get it lit: that is the flavor of this thing.

Three: For something not working, damn does it get hot! I suck and suck and suck trying to get a hit from it and, while it does nothing for me, it must be doing something because the thing become hot enough to, well, light a cigarette off of.

It does have one redeeming feature though. It is really cool to open up the case, assemble your cigarette, smoke it (when it works), and then put it straight from your mouth back into the case. I feel very "Gomez Addams" being able to take something straight from my pocket, put it in my mouth, blow out smoke, and re-pocket it.

If this thing worked, HOLY SHIT would that have been cool, but it doesn't. I am back on the coffee straws for the time being. I am going to try and return it tomorrow, but the place I bought it had a "no refunds" sign. I am going to take one of my cuter co-workers along with me to charm the guy. Cross your fingers.

A Considerate Inconvenience

What should I do with G-d's attention since I obviously have the Big Guy's undivided today? As I have often said, our reality is G-d's entertainment and boy am I entertaining him today. I should almost have a full one share by the end of today actually. Given that there is only one viewer, a one share is pretty damn good. Any real TV people out there should forgive my misuse of the share concept.

My two-story abode is a two and a half bath, of which I use one and a half. My master bedroom has one naturally and I have one downstairs for my TV viewing needs. That third bathroom, the upstairs guest bathroom I suppose, has been reduced to a kitty liter holding area. It used to be the room I kept one litter box in, but my cats really seem to either like using the floor or dig watching me sweep and clean. Either way, I go in there enough to clean it, but never really glance around. I already know both the toilet and shower are, while working, not great and therefore never get dirty. Sure, once in a while I go and clean the dust, but that is really all that gets there.

Anywho, today I decided to change the showerhead in my master bathroom because I saw one at Target that looked just awesome, so I bought it. It being lunch and the box expressed an ease of changing, I decided to head home and do it quickly. Hahaha on me because it was at that moment G-d tuned in. Someone put superglue in the grooves of the nozzle I had to remove to put my new kick-ass showerhead up.

I turned and turned and strained and twisted.
I hammered and pounded and heated and pleaded.
I cursed and bartered and schemed and invented
I was laughed at, turned down, scoffed, and defeated.

As I turned to leave my shower, I clearly heard: NO NEW SHOWERHEAD FOR YOU! COME BACK ONE YEAR. I remember thinking "funny, I never knew my shower was a Seinfeld fan." Funny how you can live with something for 9 years and never know that much about them. Oh, story...

I decided very quickly that it was time to use my other bathroom and my nine-year neglected shower of the kitty's bathroom. At the very least, it would blow their little minds, but G-d was not quite through with his entertainment for the day. Right above my tub was a hole, rather nice sized, and in it was another hole that probably lead to yet another that ended with my roof I would bet. I am lucky it was over my tub, but how long has it been there?

I should be really pissed off that I have another hole in my roof, on the other side this time so it isn't even the same leak as before, but I can't be. It was over my tub. Sure, it has probably been there for a few months and I never knew about it, but it limited the damage it did by appearing over something watertight and with a drain. How can I possibly be upset at such a considerate inconvenience?

Just Call Me "Brad Benny"

Tomorrow starts a new phase in my life and I am dedicating it to the show that got me so into Old Time Radio that I cannot fall asleep listening to anything else. It involves a 20+ year running joke and, it seemed like such a great idea that I am co-opting it. I will always give credit where credit is due since it was not my idea, but, as of tomorrow and in honor of the great Jack Benny, I will only celebrate turning 39! That's right, tomorrow I turn 39 and one year from tomorrow....I will turn 39. Twenty years from tomorrow guess what? That's right, we will be celebrating my 39th birthday!

What this means to you is, if you can't be with me tomorrow to celebrate turning 39, don't worry. G-d willing, I will have many 39th birthdays to come.

Brief Sample of the "Script" I am Working On

I have been trying to find a sample section of the script I am working on to post to: 1) prove I am actually doing it to the skeptics; 2)posting it on Blogger acts as a Copyright; and 3) because my ego demands it. I have looked over it and over it and I think I have found a part that can be followed without giving away too much of the main plot, although the B-story is clearly explained. PLEASE let me know in total honesty what you think of it. Please do not read it and not comment. The formatting of it seems to have changed when I cut and paste, so I know it is not properly formatted for a script.

So, here is a scene from Act One of "Charlie Gets Glasses":

Dennis cutting in: Look, regardless, do you know where Frank is Charlie?

Charlie: Why do you need him so badly anyway?

Mac: Oh, well, Dennis and me...

Dennis: Dennis and I.

Mac: Dude, you are getting really annoying with that. Dennis and I (glares at Dennis) have been trying to settle which of us can drink more for a few days now. The problem is, we keep drinking so much, we black out and can't remember who won.

Dennis: Yeah, so we need Frank to watch it and let us know who won the next day.

Dee comes in.

Charlie: Dude! I could totally judge that!

Dee: Judge what?

Mac: No you can't.

Dee: Judge what?

Dennis: There is no way we will let you judge it.

Charlie: Why not?

Dee: Judge what?

Mac: Besides the fact that there is nothing to “judge,” we only need a witness? You're corrupt Charlie.

Dee: Am I speaking out loud?

Charlie: I am what?

Dennis: You totally are. Remember when we used to let you referee our basketball games?

Dee: I am here, right?

Charlie: What about it?

Mac: You openly offered to take bribes!

Charlie: It was not “openly.”

Dennis: You held an auction at halftime!





SO, what do you think?

The Story Goes On

I have offically started Act Two of my "It's Always Sunny" script. I know, I know, this has been going on and on and on and on and on, but I was uninspired for a few months and fell behind. My current script is upto 18 pages now. I think it is funny, but then again I think Roadhouse is awesome, so it may just suck. I just wanted to update everyone that yes, I am still writing, but I do not force myself to write unless I have something I have to say....except this post which was 100% forced, but I felt an update was needed, or wanted, or at least due.

FOR THOMAS JEFFERSON!

Minds are empty, heads are hollow.
You might find out the truth is hard to swallow.
There's a place down there, where heads are square.
Laws are tough and few are fair.
There is a law and there is a lawman.
Who is the right, and who is the wrong man.
It doesn't take much to kill a guy.
Don't get in my face and ask me why...
Texas is the place...
HANG'EM HIGH!

Beers, steers, and queers
Cowboy
Beers, steers, and queers
Whee-haw!

Texas is full of women and willies
Eyes too close, filthy hillbillies
Who are these people, raised in barns
Fools in boots have sex on farms
Texas hoedown, this is the lowdown
You're full of shit, destined to go down
Let's go down and herd 'em up
If you agree, let's word'em up
And if you don't...
THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Beers, steers, and queers

Great Photo

I can't access Facebook at work, so I am posting this great photo on my blog in hopes it shows.