Zombie misunderstood. Why shoot zombie? What zombie do? Zombie think you be happy zombie prove life after death, but no. Instead, you shoot zombie. Zombie may be dead, but being shot still hurt zombie; physically and mentally. Ruins suit too. Bad enough zombie flesh falling off without you putting holes in zombie's suit.
Do you think it is easy getting out of a buried grave? There six feet of dirt usually, not to forget also the coffin zombie wakes up to find self in. When zombie break lid, zombie have tons of dirt fall in on top of zombie, further ruining zombie suit. You would be grouchy too.
Zombie also does not ask very much. Most people zombie meet don't use brains anyway, so losing is no big deal. Zombie sorry damaging skull only way to get brain out, but the "twist off" model of human has yet to become popular. Mental institutions do have twist off humans, but they also usually already have the sweet spot of the brain removed. Zombie like brains "pre-lobotomy."
So that is what is on zombie Kanrei's mind tonight. Don't bother telling zombie what on your mind. Zombie like surprises and your brain look tasty.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Friday, February 08, 2008
IT's FRI.....
Hello and welcome to yet another edition of "It's Friday." I am your host, Kanrei, and I am afraid I am too tired today to write a proper "It's Friday" column. I was up most of the night last night fighting off an impending alien zombie invasion and therefore really did not get much sleep.
Well, the actual fighting off the invasion part was over rather quickly, but something about the combination of body parts, chainsaws, and Hostess Twinkies that really makes a really huge and rather scary mess. I was actually up until 9:30 this morning scrubbing and burning, hacking and slashing, grinding and then wiping most of the night away. Bleach really does not do much for "zombie stains," but holy water works miracles (no pun intended). I am beat, but not as badly beaten as those pesky alien zombie are. You are welcome.
So, without really needing to say this, I am pooped and ready to sleep all day long…unless this scratch is actually a bite. I don’t remember getting bitten, but this definitely looks like teeth marks in my forearm. How long do you think it takes for a zombie bite to infect a healthy human? Then how long to infect an unhealthy human like myself? Crap, this explains my growing craving for brains.
Legally needed probably: Zombie Poster found here. This site may just save your life...
Happy weeken……BRAINS! KANREI NEED BRAINS! YUM!!!
Well, the actual fighting off the invasion part was over rather quickly, but something about the combination of body parts, chainsaws, and Hostess Twinkies that really makes a really huge and rather scary mess. I was actually up until 9:30 this morning scrubbing and burning, hacking and slashing, grinding and then wiping most of the night away. Bleach really does not do much for "zombie stains," but holy water works miracles (no pun intended). I am beat, but not as badly beaten as those pesky alien zombie are. You are welcome.So, without really needing to say this, I am pooped and ready to sleep all day long…unless this scratch is actually a bite. I don’t remember getting bitten, but this definitely looks like teeth marks in my forearm. How long do you think it takes for a zombie bite to infect a healthy human? Then how long to infect an unhealthy human like myself? Crap, this explains my growing craving for brains.
Legally needed probably: Zombie Poster found here. This site may just save your life...
Happy weeken……BRAINS! KANREI NEED BRAINS! YUM!!!
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Chicken Pizza
My mother mentioned in her post yesterday that she would not lie to me, except for the veal incident. Many of you (unless you were spying on me in my youth) have no idea what the “Veal Incident” is exactly and missed that reference so now it is my pleasure to bring you the “Veal Incident Story.”
It was probably 1983 or 84 or 82 or sometime before 1985. I know it was before 1985 because that was the year I left Miami to live with my father for two years and my mom had stopped her Gourmet craze by that point and it was right in the middle of her Gourmet craze that the “Veal Incident” took place. This would mean we are talking about 1982 almost for certain.
Regardless of the year, my mother was going through a Gourmet craze where she was taking weekly cooking classes and then subjecting her family to the homework. It was the common craze around that time as microwaves were just starting to take over kitchens and mothers everywhere suddenly worried about the diminishing quality of food. Most days it was quite good actually. It was only on the rare occasion that my mom had to resort to “this is not a restaurant” to get me to eat that night’s creation.
One night I came to the dinner table to see spaghetti with a garlic butter sauce and, next to it, some brown round thing with marinara sauce and melted cheese on top of it. My eyebrow cocked immediately as I looked at this bizarre concoction my mother came up with and, seeing my hesitation, she said “eat it, its chicken pizza. You like pizza.” My mom doesn’t lie, so I began eating my chicken pizza and found myself a really big fan of chicken pizza.
Once I told my mom how much I enjoyed it I discovered my mom lied to me because it was not chicken pizza, it was veal parmesan. She knew I would never taste something called “veal” and therefore tricked me into trying it.
Years came to pass and my mother would tell me many more things, some of which I just could not believe. “Have I ever lied to you,” she would often ask. All I needed were two words “chicken pizza” and she would say, “yes, but I am telling you the truth this time, I promise.”
And now you know the “veal incident.” To her credit, the year is now 2008 and that is still the only instance I can think of where my mother lied to me.
I must admit to eating veal every now and then. I quit it for ten years and, during my time not eating it, I found that the production increased and the price went down. All this meant was that my protesting was keeping me from eating something that I liked and did nothing to slow the slaughter down.
It was probably 1983 or 84 or 82 or sometime before 1985. I know it was before 1985 because that was the year I left Miami to live with my father for two years and my mom had stopped her Gourmet craze by that point and it was right in the middle of her Gourmet craze that the “Veal Incident” took place. This would mean we are talking about 1982 almost for certain.
Regardless of the year, my mother was going through a Gourmet craze where she was taking weekly cooking classes and then subjecting her family to the homework. It was the common craze around that time as microwaves were just starting to take over kitchens and mothers everywhere suddenly worried about the diminishing quality of food. Most days it was quite good actually. It was only on the rare occasion that my mom had to resort to “this is not a restaurant” to get me to eat that night’s creation.
One night I came to the dinner table to see spaghetti with a garlic butter sauce and, next to it, some brown round thing with marinara sauce and melted cheese on top of it. My eyebrow cocked immediately as I looked at this bizarre concoction my mother came up with and, seeing my hesitation, she said “eat it, its chicken pizza. You like pizza.” My mom doesn’t lie, so I began eating my chicken pizza and found myself a really big fan of chicken pizza.
Once I told my mom how much I enjoyed it I discovered my mom lied to me because it was not chicken pizza, it was veal parmesan. She knew I would never taste something called “veal” and therefore tricked me into trying it.
Years came to pass and my mother would tell me many more things, some of which I just could not believe. “Have I ever lied to you,” she would often ask. All I needed were two words “chicken pizza” and she would say, “yes, but I am telling you the truth this time, I promise.”
And now you know the “veal incident.” To her credit, the year is now 2008 and that is still the only instance I can think of where my mother lied to me.
I must admit to eating veal every now and then. I quit it for ten years and, during my time not eating it, I found that the production increased and the price went down. All this meant was that my protesting was keeping me from eating something that I liked and did nothing to slow the slaughter down.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
The Unoffically Offical Kanrei' Recap of Super Tuesday
So, I know you all have been waiting on the edge of your seats for “Kanrei’s Recap of Super Tuesday” and I would love nothing more than to give you “Kanrei’s Recap of Super Tuesday,” but I did not pay that much attention to Super Tuesday and therefore am not really that qualified to give you “Kanrei’s Recap of Super Tuesday.” Actually, that lack of qualification is not slowing anyone else down from giving you their recap of Super Tuesday, so there really is no reason why I can’t do “Kanrei’s Recap of Super Tuesday.” Well, now, without further delay, here is “Kanrei’s Recap of Super Tuesday.”
What I found most humorous was how well Ron Paul did in Montana. Ron Paul’s big issue is illegal immigration, mostly from Mexico, and I really do not imagine Montana as having a large illegal Mexican population. Montana voting on illegal immigration is sort of like people in a small mid-western town voting with international terrorism as their top concern: the odds of it happening to you where you are well beneath zero. You stand a greater chance of alien invasion than you do of having Al Qaeda set its sights on Bumfuck, Arkansas. Same thing for Montana and illegal immigration- Americans don’t want to live in Montana so what makes people think Mexicans are risking life and limb to live in an outdoor freezer? I would think Global Warming would be their top issue and I imagine they would be heavily for it up there.
On the Democrat side is the quintessential “clusterfuck” scenario I think everyone saw coming years ago. Right now, the Democrats are a party at war with itself and it stands to seriously derail their road to the White House and possibly give it to McCain. There is the Clinton camp who thinks they own the party; there is the Kennedy camp that used to rule the party and wants to retain control; and then there is the Pelosi camp which is smartly remaining quiet, but wants to run the party in a new and different direction. What this adds up to (in addition to a run-on paragraph) is a Democratic party split in half between Hillary and Obama with neither getting anything close to enough support to win the November race unless these two form a union with one as President and one taking the Vice position, but that will not happen because neither one is willing to take the back seat to the other.
If I were Howard Dean…a scary thought that I am now going to abandon and say instead “if I were head of the DNC,” I would suggest forcibly for Clinton and Obama to work together and for Obama to take the Vice to Hillary’s President and for a simple and very good reason- the President to take the oath after Bush is going to fail and fail big.
For the last eight years, Bush has held back an avalanche with a toothpick wall and that wall is going to break. It is not going to break while Bush is in office, so that means that either Hillary or Obama are going to be in the Oval Office when the snow comes flooding in and, as we all know, the person in the office when it happens is to blame regardless of the facts.
Obama will make a great president one day, but I do not think it is wise to waste four of his eight eligible years to serve as president cleaning up Bush’s mess and learning the nature of the job. I know he has served in the state level for years, but state level politics never deals with international problems and those are the problems we are facing and will continue to face. The costs of error are too great (as we have seen for the last eight years).
I am not endorsing Hillary for President at all because, to be honest, I lose sleep to the thought of her and am not really prepared for history to read “President Bush goes to war in Iraq, followed by President Clinton, followed by President Bush goes to war in Iraq, followed by President Clinton.” I think children have enough problems keeping history straight without going out of our way to screw them like this.
It is looking like it will be Obama, Clinton, or McCain and we must pick one so I think I am going to go with McCain even though my dad hates, HATES McCain and my mom is a big Obama supporter and here is why: he cannot serve more than four years at his age and I think in 2012 Barack will be ready and Hillary will be a memory. We have the Congress and, thanks largely to Bush’s behavior as of late, the White House is neutered. McCain, since he will probably rule much as Bush has, will also therefore be neutered.
Look at it like this, as I said before, the next President is going to serve during the time that all of Bush’s mistakes come home to roost. The next President is going to be a one term failure almost guaranteed due to the overwhelming amount of shit they are walking into so I think it is better to let a Republican fail under the weight of their mistakes than someone who will be a great leader one day, like Obama.
What I found most humorous was how well Ron Paul did in Montana. Ron Paul’s big issue is illegal immigration, mostly from Mexico, and I really do not imagine Montana as having a large illegal Mexican population. Montana voting on illegal immigration is sort of like people in a small mid-western town voting with international terrorism as their top concern: the odds of it happening to you where you are well beneath zero. You stand a greater chance of alien invasion than you do of having Al Qaeda set its sights on Bumfuck, Arkansas. Same thing for Montana and illegal immigration- Americans don’t want to live in Montana so what makes people think Mexicans are risking life and limb to live in an outdoor freezer? I would think Global Warming would be their top issue and I imagine they would be heavily for it up there.
On the Democrat side is the quintessential “clusterfuck” scenario I think everyone saw coming years ago. Right now, the Democrats are a party at war with itself and it stands to seriously derail their road to the White House and possibly give it to McCain. There is the Clinton camp who thinks they own the party; there is the Kennedy camp that used to rule the party and wants to retain control; and then there is the Pelosi camp which is smartly remaining quiet, but wants to run the party in a new and different direction. What this adds up to (in addition to a run-on paragraph) is a Democratic party split in half between Hillary and Obama with neither getting anything close to enough support to win the November race unless these two form a union with one as President and one taking the Vice position, but that will not happen because neither one is willing to take the back seat to the other.
If I were Howard Dean…a scary thought that I am now going to abandon and say instead “if I were head of the DNC,” I would suggest forcibly for Clinton and Obama to work together and for Obama to take the Vice to Hillary’s President and for a simple and very good reason- the President to take the oath after Bush is going to fail and fail big.
For the last eight years, Bush has held back an avalanche with a toothpick wall and that wall is going to break. It is not going to break while Bush is in office, so that means that either Hillary or Obama are going to be in the Oval Office when the snow comes flooding in and, as we all know, the person in the office when it happens is to blame regardless of the facts.
Obama will make a great president one day, but I do not think it is wise to waste four of his eight eligible years to serve as president cleaning up Bush’s mess and learning the nature of the job. I know he has served in the state level for years, but state level politics never deals with international problems and those are the problems we are facing and will continue to face. The costs of error are too great (as we have seen for the last eight years).
I am not endorsing Hillary for President at all because, to be honest, I lose sleep to the thought of her and am not really prepared for history to read “President Bush goes to war in Iraq, followed by President Clinton, followed by President Bush goes to war in Iraq, followed by President Clinton.” I think children have enough problems keeping history straight without going out of our way to screw them like this.
It is looking like it will be Obama, Clinton, or McCain and we must pick one so I think I am going to go with McCain even though my dad hates, HATES McCain and my mom is a big Obama supporter and here is why: he cannot serve more than four years at his age and I think in 2012 Barack will be ready and Hillary will be a memory. We have the Congress and, thanks largely to Bush’s behavior as of late, the White House is neutered. McCain, since he will probably rule much as Bush has, will also therefore be neutered.
Look at it like this, as I said before, the next President is going to serve during the time that all of Bush’s mistakes come home to roost. The next President is going to be a one term failure almost guaranteed due to the overwhelming amount of shit they are walking into so I think it is better to let a Republican fail under the weight of their mistakes than someone who will be a great leader one day, like Obama.
Monday, February 04, 2008
So...
...if yesterday was “Super Bowl Sunday” and tomorrow is “Super Tuesday,” what does that make today since there is no way a Monday can ever be “Super?”
Just a thought…
Just a thought…
Friday, February 01, 2008
Super Fwiday
Hello and welcome back. You are tuned into KHWL on the blogger dial, the time is fifty-four minutes after the hour, and it is officially Friday which means it is time for “It’s Friday!!!!”
Today, I have realized that I really, honestly, and sincerely should consider donating my Y chromosome to charity. I am sure K.D. Lang or Ellen DeGeneres could use it since it is so painfully obvious to me that I am not. I did not realize the Super Bowl was this weekend for example. I cannot tell you who is playing in the Super Bowl this year for another example. In fact, upon learning that the Super Bowl is on this Sunday, my first thought was “I hope it isn’t on Fox because I need my Simpsons.” How un-manly is that?
I don’t know why I never got into football. I tried when I was younger. It seemed like one of those prerequisites to being a guy and, since I already had a penis, it seemed like that was the path I should follow. I picked a favorite team (the Dallas Cowboys) and learned the player’s names, nicknames, positions, and what each position was supposed to do. I learned the rules of the sport, the leagues, and how the two leagues interacted with one another.
To this day, I still understand every aspect of the game and can even hold semi-intelligent conversations with other casual fans on the subject and come across as fairly knowledgeable on the subject, but have zero interest in it. I tend to view the Super Bowl through the eyes of a chick: really entertaining commercials broken up with long segments of pointless violence. I wish I knew why.
Oh well, have a great weekend and enjoy the Super Bowl. I hope your team wins by a million points and the goalie gets three homeruns.
You are listening to KHWL and the time is five minutes after the hour.
Today, I have realized that I really, honestly, and sincerely should consider donating my Y chromosome to charity. I am sure K.D. Lang or Ellen DeGeneres could use it since it is so painfully obvious to me that I am not. I did not realize the Super Bowl was this weekend for example. I cannot tell you who is playing in the Super Bowl this year for another example. In fact, upon learning that the Super Bowl is on this Sunday, my first thought was “I hope it isn’t on Fox because I need my Simpsons.” How un-manly is that?
I don’t know why I never got into football. I tried when I was younger. It seemed like one of those prerequisites to being a guy and, since I already had a penis, it seemed like that was the path I should follow. I picked a favorite team (the Dallas Cowboys) and learned the player’s names, nicknames, positions, and what each position was supposed to do. I learned the rules of the sport, the leagues, and how the two leagues interacted with one another.
To this day, I still understand every aspect of the game and can even hold semi-intelligent conversations with other casual fans on the subject and come across as fairly knowledgeable on the subject, but have zero interest in it. I tend to view the Super Bowl through the eyes of a chick: really entertaining commercials broken up with long segments of pointless violence. I wish I knew why.
Oh well, have a great weekend and enjoy the Super Bowl. I hope your team wins by a million points and the goalie gets three homeruns.
You are listening to KHWL and the time is five minutes after the hour.
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