Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Session Three

So I am confused right now which the counselor says is normal.  In our search for my peace of mind, it is apparently normal for one to begin with one goal and to have that goal called into question and to find you are actually seeking a different goal.   My goal was to find a way to overcome my nihilism, but it seems my true goal is to find peace in my conflicting points of view.    I am also apparently under self-imposed artificial time constraints.    Didn't see that one until I spoke it aloud today.

I was asked what was my goal in life prior to cancer.   My honest answer was I was still feeling immortal and felt I would discover my purpose given enough time.   I focused on people who "made it" late in life as inspiration that my window had not yet closed, but cancer closed that window.   Cancer started a clock in my mind and where I once seemed to have an infinite amount of time suddenly was  limited.     The list of things I hadn't yet done was longer than the list of things I had and the time to do them was running out.  I kept returning to the same word to describe my life: failure.   Another example of self-imposed time constraints: forty-five; never married, childless, career-less, etc were all I saw.  I was comparing myself to others who, to be honest, were living different lives than I was and there was no reason to expect my life to follow their path, but there you are.  Pressures of life and questionings of oneself brought me to this point.

I am currently in a state of confusion as to what I want, who I am, and what I hope to achieve.  I am goalless outside of the goal of finding a goal.  I have to spend the next two weeks debating with myself and thinking hard on how to stop being who I think I am and work on being who I want to be, as I discussed last week.   I think I need to spend less time reading on the nature of reality and perception and start actually working on it.    I am an encyclopedia of conflicting world-views and cancer has released the floodgates on them all.  I need to , for the next two weeks, work less on trying to swim and more on trying to dog-paddle.  Baby-steps as the movie "What About Bob" said to embrace.   To use another cliche'- I need to learn to crawl before engaging in a marathon.

One must get deeper down before they can start working on getting up.  Tearing down the old is a crucial part of building the new and it is a process I am engaged in.   I will survive.   I will become a better version of myself in the end and I believe that the secret to it is finding the balance between nihilism and hope.


joanie78 said...

First you do have to believe in yourself. You have always been negative You have talents and you DO have strength. I have seen it. You fought a battle for almost 2 years that I do not believe I could of done. You have a gift of writing that you have not pursued Believe, Brad, I yourself. That for one is a good baby step. I do said...

The movie I'm thinking of is "Regarding Henry", maybe the old you is already gone or in the process of becoming gone and the new you (the you you've always been) is beginning to be revealed. It's important to be respectful when breaking up with your old you. In good times and bad our old self got us to where we are now and we couldn't have gotten through what we did without the old self there, helping us. Part ways, but remain friends. IMHO

I too have felt like a failure at different times in my life. It's hard and I admire your willingness to go there. Be patient with your self, but I think in the end you will like what you find.

Brad Schader said...

Funny you say that. I tell people when they say "I'm glad you survived cancer" that I didn't "survive" it; this is what made it through the other side. I didn't as who I was is gone. I am now trying to find who I am. said...


Is there anything you will NOT miss about your old-you? I was just wondering . . .you don't have to answer.