And Serena Can Exhale...

I called my mother last night for reassurance. I feel like I am not behaving like myself since I quit smoking. I am feeling like in every situation I am the asshole, so I called my mom for her to calm my nerves and give me mental relief.

“Mom, I am feeling like an asshole lately,” I said to her.

“You are an asshole."

“No, I mean really. I am feeling like a total asshole since I quit smoking.”

“No really,” she answered, “you are an asshole. You were one before you quit smoking. Too much of your father in you probably, but you are not acting that differently.”

This was not the “Jewish Mother” answer I was hoping for. She bobs sometimes when I expect a weave.

Yes I know I have always been an asshole, but there are degrees to assholeishness. (Screw you Spellcheck, “assholeishness” is a word now!) I like to think of myself as the funny and quick-witted smart ass type of asshole. The type you know will have something to say in response to most things, but they are usually there not to hurt, but to entertain. My biggest foil is myself for example. Self-depreciating humor is my favorite.

Lately I have been feeling like a new breed of asshole- the mean asshole. I have not been trying to make others laugh. I have been angry and mean spirited. I rant, not babble. I insult, not joke. I think “shut up” where I used to think a myriad of random silly thoughts while listening to other people. I am getting upset with people for behavior I used to laugh off as their being an asshole. Now I am the asshole others are laughing at: not with, but at. If I didn’t live alone already I probably would be by now.

I do not crave cigarettes any longer. I chew on straws still constantly, but I do not want the smoke any more. I am only hoping and praying that I get a handle on my assholeishness as soon as possible. I miss finding humor in life. I miss not taking things seriously ever. Maybe I just need a cigarette….NO!

PS- What is the name for the three dots used to end a sentence? You know, the "..." I am over using, what is it called? I love them.

Like Minds and Such

I pride myself on posting original things here. They may suck sometimes (only sometimes?) and they may vary from serious to abstract to diary entries, but I have not reprinted something someone else did…until right now.

Anyone who reads here knows my two greatest passions in my writing life are politics and pop culture. The only thing greater than those two things separate is the combination of the two in some “Simpsons-esque” explosion of abstraction and satire, but that is sadly usually above my ability to create. Lucky for all of us I found this at the Neil Rogers website. I know I am violating copyrights and such posting it here, but it is that good IMHO. Enjoy.


I think it is brilliant and I more than want everyone who stops by here to see it, I need you to. It is me and I am shocked and disappointed it is not original.

Speaking of original, I hope to return to originality soon…maybe even tomorrow, but don’t hold your breath. I mean it will be 24 hours at least and you will pass out and possibly hurt yourself. See, I may not update often, but I care.

Oh, at it seems Don McLean was right. The music did die in the 50's. Lemmings always know best.

The Big Bopper, Richie Valens, and Buddy Holly die in plane crash 4 (50%)
Hendrix, Joplin, and Morrison die months apart 0 (0%)
Aerosmith allows Run DMC to cover "Walk this Way" and joins in 1 (12%)
Def Leppard is formed 0 (0%)
MTV goes on the air 2 (25%)
Music has never been better 0 (0%)
Roth leaves Van Halen and Haggar joins 1 (12%)

PPS- Roth is joining Van Halen again, but Michael Anthony will not be there so it still is not a reunion. Wolfgang Van Halen (Eddie's son) does not count regardless of his last name.

Too Hot To Handle, Too Cold to Hold

Today is hot. We are talking HOT! I am considering a day trip to Hades just to cool off. I bought some Cookie Dough Ice Cream and by the time I got home I had cookies and milk in a pint container. Ben and Jerry’s cookies and milk, but not the ice cream I expected to have when I laid my money down on the counter. This is only the beginning of August as well which means it only gets hotter from here. It is even too hot to blog. OK, not really, but I am lazy today with not much to say so I am going to blame it on the heat. It’s too hot to blog.

And The Friday Spoke...

Friday is today. Is today Friday? Is Friday today? Today is Friday.

I think that about sums up how busy I am today at work. I am not complaining (much) considering how my Fridays usually are, but the clock does move slower on days like this. Like this days. This days like. That doesn’t seem to work as well. Back to tradition: Today, Friday is.

“So Kanrei, what should I do this weekend is I find myself with a spare 86 minutes?”

A question?! Am I copying another idea from Serena Joy? (Yes!) Shshhh! Anymore back talk and I will only use one twin to blog from now on. (Sorry) You should be. Whose side are you on anyway? (Ours) Good. Remember that. Now then…

I would recommend spending those extra 86 minutes with America’s favorite family. No, not my family, but thanks for the thought. I was leaning more toward the yellow silly family. I already told you I am not talking about mine. The last name of the family I am speaking of begins with “S.” NO, NOT MY FAMILY! I am talking about the Simpsons for G-d’s sake. Yes, that yellow silly family whose name begins with “S!”

First my May twin rebels on me and now you, my faithful reader. Maybe it is a typical Friday after all. Just go see the “Simpsons’ Movie” this weekend. It is with out a doubt the funniest movie I have ever seen in my life or in the last four years, which ever is more realistic. Even a non-fan of the show (does one actually exist?) will love this movie and you really do not need any knowledge of the show to have a great time. If you see it and do not laugh, go to a doctor. You may just be dead.

Happy Friday. Friday Happy.

I Have a Peeve

I have one simple rule in life that I insist other people follow religiously: only call someone if there is a necessary reason. I hate the phone, HATE IT! The sound a ringing phone makes is like nails on a chalkboard to me. My main motivation in answering the damn thing is to A) get it to stop ringing and B) get on with my life as soon as possible. I curse Bell daily for inventing the damn thing in the first place and cell phones are even worse. I used to be able to escape those cursed inventions just be leaving my home, but no more! Now they have batteries and are free of the chords that once held them captive in my home. But I digress…

If you are brave enough to dial those ten digits to reach me (we have to include area codes for local calls here) then please for the love of G-d have a reason for calling. Is that really too much to ask for? Don’t call with nothing to say; don’t wait for me to start talking to you; don’t ask “who is this” when you are the one calling me; don’t look for me to entertain you; and DO NOT TRY TO SELL ME ANYTHING OR ASK FOR DONATIONS!!! I cannot answer the phone in a good mood because the ringing automatically places me in a bad mood and the odds of getting money out of me are slim (Unless you are the cops. They always get me for some reason. Fear probably.).

The number one type of call I hate are those calls where a person is returning a call you made to them without first listening to the voicemail you left them. Most of the time the message was sent and there is no need for a return call. What reason do they have voicemail if they are not going to use it? I call people and leave a message with everything I had to say for them on their machine even though I hate talking to machines (thus another part of my phonephobia) only to have to go through the entire message again because they called me back too soon. I LEFT A MESSAGE FOR A REASON!!! YOU PAY FOR VOICEMAIL FOR A REASON!!! USE THE DAMN THING!!!!

OK, that might be some residue of a nicfit leaving my body. I feel better now. Call me and we can talk about it….IF YOU DARE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

SJ's Eight Secret List (Don't Tell)

SJ to the rescue!!! I wanted to blog today yet could not find anything to write about until stumbling to my home away from my home away from home AKA Parenthetically Speaking. Good ole’ (not old) Serena has once again tagged everyone with a mission to list eight things about yourself that most people do not know. Now considering that my mom and boss read this blog, my deepest darkest secrets will remain deep and dark, but there is such an abundance of strangeness within me that I can easily reveal eight things without scaring my family or risking my job.

The Rules as posted are-

Each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are listed. At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

Here we go:

1. I am cheap: not stingy or selfish, but cheap. We are talking Jack Benny cheap. For a person with no concept of money who is always broke I seem to really hate parting with it. Well, in small doses that is. I have no problem dropping $200 dollars on something stupid yet agonize over spending $20 on something I need. This may be normal for all I know (although it would be the first normal thing I have ever done.)

2. I love movies, but hate going to a theater to see them. I would much rather watch a movie from the comforts of my abode than sit in a crowded theater and miss much of the movie due to talking, babies crying, cell phones ringing, and the constant internal nag of “I paid $10 for this crap?” This may actually be a continuation of number one, but I need eight things so this is officially now number two.

3. I am very conservative for a liberal. The only real thing that makes me liberal is the fact that I choose a conservative lifestyle and refuse to ever let anyone tell me how I should live. I am anti-abortion yet pro-choice. I am for capitol punishment yet want serious controls places upon it. I feel it is used too freely overall, but can see where it is needed. I have yet to like the person in the White House while still holding respect for the office. With inner conflicts like this what else can I be other than a liberal?

4. I am gullible generally.

5. I have no faith in humanity, but tons in human beings. I feel once two or more people get together they lose a sense of self and are capable of anything, but as individuals humans are amazing and wonderful creatures.

6. I believe personally in evolution AND creation. While there is no denying that things evolve, I believe something had to start the ball moving and until I learn otherwise I prefer to believe that it was G-d.

7. I am actually having a hard time coming up with eight things that will not get me fired or written out of the will. Perhaps I am more normal than I thought or I just don’t really hide that much of who I am from that many people. Or I am just lying right now…the world may never know (or it already does.)

8. I can be redundant when not repeating myself or trying to find new ways to say things already said. I can retread over covered ground and I do like restating things. Also, sometimes I can be known to repeat myself or to be redundant, but we will not talk about that right now.

If you are reading this (AND HAVE A BLOG)consider yourself tagged.