Friday, March 18, 2016

Upon reflection,'s been a lot this year.   In one year I lost one cat, then my colon, got a bag,  then lost my other cat.   And I am realizing I have never actually been alone before and I'm not sure I like it.   I love other people not being around, but I haven't been without a cat for almost 20 years now and the absence screams louder than words.  It makes sense I should be in a funk as the human mind can only push so much aside before it comes flooding back.  Hell, I don't think I've yet processed my cancer experiences because I was so concerned about making sure other people didn't worry about me that I probably lied to myself as well as to them about how I felt.  I've been so busy struggling along that reflection is a luxury I can't afford, but seems to be given to me at night as I try to sleep at no charge.   It gets tiring denying emotion...more than it would be dealing with it.

And this new revelation that I am hiding my emotions from even myself has caused me to second guess everything from these past 2 years since the Chemo ended.  Hell, thanks to Chemo-Brain, I'm not even sure 100% what I am doing.    I've made poor choices these last two years for the most part, but they were choices I had no choice in making.   I had to move out of my parents' house because my cats couldn't live with me there and my friend who was cat sitting was having a baby.  I had to sell my condo because I had massive debts that needed repayment even though I could not afford an apartment.   I had to return to work quicker than I was mentally ready to because I had rent and bills to pay.   I am correcting this which is the only good that comes from Satchel's leaving me: I am moving back in with my parents for a year to help me save up money.

I will be paying rent to stay with them because I can't freeload, but I will be able to save living with them and, more importantly since nobody wants to live with their parents, I am motivated to find a second job so I don't have to spend much time there reminding myself that I have thus far failed in the game of life.

Oh, I'm a good person and I care deeply.  I am honest and trustworthy and everything we strive to be, but I am not very good at career or saving or planning or any of those adult things we must do as we get older.   When I say I failed at life, I mean in terms of possession and achievement and not as a human.  Quite the opposite actually- when it comes to being human, I think I surpass most.

So this is where I am right now- in a holding pattern as I wait for my lease to end so I can move in with my parents and get my life on track.   It is going to be a long couple of months that, thanks to Chemo-brain, should fly by.


2 comments: said...

If I may, and if not please let me know. Speaking as someone who has failed many many times I get what you're saying. But it's important to remember that your willingness to take risks and not simply comform and play it safe is what makes you who you are. From my perspective you've already succeeded in the only things that truly matter. I know many who have seemed to have won at the game of life and yet they hide behind their accomplishments. Your way of thinking and writing is actual proof that have accomplished a great deal and I believe your inspirational story is just beginning to be told. Peace.

Brad Schader said...

Thank you very much. I hope I am on the right track.